For The Love Of Her Brother

For the past several weeks, my Mom's older brother has been very ill, and after a lot of debate, she finally decided to fly to Kerala, India to see him today. The reason for the back and forth is because she undergoes injections once a week to treat her many allergies, which include dust and other airborne allergens. My Uncle has the same type of condition, and never had injections or any other similar treatment; this most likely contributed to his current condition. Mom told me that when she visited him last fall, both of them coughed so much that they sometimes did so in unison; one of their hired drivers even commented on this during a day trip he accompanied them on. Now, my Uncle is in the hospital, and my Mom is risking some of the progress she has made with her health so far to visit him in India, especially during the monsoon season. I know that she must go see him now, in spite of the obstacles.

Mom has always told me that her older brother helped and guided her when their own parents were unable to do so. He has a wonderful combination of compassion and intelligence, which my Mom and so many other people admire and respect him for. When they were younger, my Mom and her older brother were lucky enough to live together when they had to move to their uncle's house. Living in that environment was very difficult, but they relied on each other for support, love and friendship, especially during their darkest days. Mom remembers him walking hand in hand with her to church when she was three and a half years old, playing hide and seek in a rubber tree forest when she was six, and standing up to their father when she wanted to become a nurse (rather than a nun or a wife) at the age of seventeen. My Uncle is more than just her older brother; he is her hero, advocate, and dearest friend. I really admire their relationship, because it is special and beautiful.

My Uncle has always had a talent for writing, which is where I think I got my interest from. There is definitely something to be said about hereditary influences, especially since I don't know him as well as I would like to. The few times I have been lucky enough to visit him were great, because he is one of a handful of relatives from my parents' generation who speaks English very well. When I met him as an adult, I noticed how his eyes would light up every time he talked about my Mom, or was in her presence. They have had some ups and downs of course, but the love and respect they have for one another is stronger and more deep-rooted. Thousands of miles have kept them physically apart for long periods of time, but their relationship remains in tact. So while I am a little concerned about my Mom going to India because of her health issues, I know that there is no way she can stay away from her brother during his present crisis. He is a lovely human being with a great intellect, who also happens to be one of my Mom's greatest influences. For that, and so many other things, I am forever grateful.

When Familiarity Breeds Contempt

“I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.” 
― Maya Angelou

Recently, I have been wondering about a certain pitfall of human nature that occurs within families, friendships, marriages, and other close relationships; it is when people (who should know better) turn against those close to them when they did nothing to deserve it. Since last month, someone very close to me has been a target of this type of unfair treatment, even after repeatedly telling and showing the "offended" party that she was not against them and wanted to keep the peace. I would have ignored it if it happened once or even twice, but she was barraged with accusations, which increased my annoyance with the situation. It all had to do with a much anticipated visit from a relative from overseas, how the news was shared with certain people and not others, and where he wanted to stay when he was here. This caused some unfortunate, long-standing family tensions to come forth. While I know he had a good visit, I also know he definitely would have enjoyed his time here much more without all of the unnecessary drama.

I have learned to deal with this treatment when the target is me; the last time it happened was late last year, when I overheard a conversation in which I was mentioned in dismissive and cruel terms. I was shocked at first, because I had just seen and had a pleasant time with this person, who I have known and loved for almost my whole life. After thinking about it for a little while, I realized that no matter how much I have and will always love and care for this person, she has always had an underlying feeling of contempt towards me, maybe because I remind her of a past she wants to forget. I may never really know why. Soon after the incident, I moved on, because I knew it had nothing to do with me; it had to with her feelings and perceptions. Our relationship may never be the same again, but at least I can say I have forgiven her; I will never forget it, because I learned some invaluable lessons from the experience.

I have observed that these conflicts often originate from the accusers' personal insecurities and skewed perceptions. Secure people don't have to attack those who did nothing to them. Fear of losing control, fear of the past or unknown, and/or maybe even envy or jealousy, can create major havoc in relationships. When I see people creating these negative dramas for themselves and others, I want to shake them and say, "Stop it! Life is too short for this nonsense!" But for those who act in these ways, trying to reason with them while they are in an unreasonable state will not work. The best thing to do is to take a step back, and refuse to engage in argumentative behavior that will not solve anything. When confronted, the best thing to do is to stand your ground, tell the truth, be diplomatic, and then walk away from the confrontation if nothing is working. Hopefully the accusers will calm down, stop hurling accusations, and maybe even apologize for their behavior. Maybe.

I may annoy and even anger some people I know with this post, but I think it is a subject worth talking about, and I wrote the truth. I know I can't be the only one who has experienced this kind of treatment, both directly and indirectly. The moral to this post is that even when you mean well and treat others with respect and kindness, there will always be someone who will take offense to those who don't offend for a variety of "reasons." Staying true to who you are is the best defense.

If you have any thoughts, please share them!

Remembering Uncle

It started off as a normal day this Monday, April 29. I was working on my computer when I started getting messages from my best friend, telling me that her father was not doing well. He had serious medical issues for years, and had just come back from the hospital several weeks earlier after suffering a heart attack and other complications. I thought at first the outcome of this visit would be the same as the last time; he would be released under my best friend’s supervision and return to his home in Delhi. But the messages became more troubling, and then finally, I got word that he was no more. I remember staring at my phone for at least a minute, in shock at first, and then remembering.

Dev Uncle was my best friend’s father and family friend. I just called him “Uncle” (never Dev) as I did other men in my family and friend circles in the Indian community from the older generations. Of all the other people in my life, I felt that he was more of an uncle to me than most of my blood-related uncles. I met him almost 16 years ago when I first started becoming friends with his daughter. From the beginning, I was struck by how kind and gentle he was with me. He genuinely liked me as his daughter’s friend, and then like an honorary niece or other younger family member. When I went to visit my best friend, I always looked forward to seeing Uncle, even if it was for just a few minutes, because I had no positive father figure to speak of up until that point. Being in his presence was like a comforting balm on my soul at a time when I desperately needed it.

To tell the truth, I knew just the basic facts of Uncle’s life. I knew he was an engineer with a successful career in New Jersey, and was able to travel to many countries during his lifetime. I also knew the sad fact that he suddenly became a widower as a younger man, with two small children left to his charge. Like all of us, he struggled with what life threw at him, and persevered as best as he could. What I do know and will always remember about Uncle is how he used to pronounce my name in his gentle voice, and how much he loved long walks, visits from his friends, and more than anything, his children.

I will always miss Uncle, but I am glad he is no longer suffering from the many ailments that plagued him in life. He is at peace, and that makes me smile.

Forgive But Never Forget

Since childhood, I have heard how important it is to forgive and forget, but like most people I do have a problem with following through with it. I am an easy going person, which often gives the impression that I can be taken advantage of, but I am also very observant and have a long memory, and will defend myself when someone tries to cross the line with me. I can forgive those transgressions, even if the other person is unapologetic. I do this by not holding a grudge and just having better manners overall. The forgetting part is something I do not think is necessary or right. Why should I forget the situation if it has taught me a valuable lesson? Forgetting makes it possible for the transgressed to be wronged many more times in the future.

I think this particularly true in abusive relationships; forgiving abusive behavior has to be reciprocated by the permanent end of that behavior through whatever means necessary. I have family and friends who have told me they forgave a significant other or family member for their mental and/or physical abuse, but it almost always re-occurs, and often worse than it was before. As a child and teenager I was often the target of bullies, both in my own family and at school, and have never forgotten what I went through. I believe that is the reason why I am not subject to that behavior as an adult, which I am grateful for. I convey this message to those who are still being victimized; my advice is usually not taken, but I feel good knowing that I have shared my feelings about these particular situations.

What your thoughts on forgiveness? Do you think forgetting the situation is key to the process of letting go?

When My World Stopped

On Election Day last week, I went through one of the scariest moments of my life, which almost prevented me from voting that day. When most people were wondering if President Obama would be re-elected or not, my siblings and I were dealing with my Mom’s sudden medical emergency on her way to California to visit my sister and brother-in-law, which caused her plane to be diverted to Denver, Colorado so she could receive immediate medical attention. I almost fainted when an airline attendant called me from my Mom’s cell phone to tell me what was happening. I heard the paramedics in the background talking to my Mom and to each other as they prepared to take her off the plane as I kept asking if I could talk to her. Finally, the flight attendant told me she unconscious, which is when I almost dropped the phone. It was then that my world stopped; all I cared about was my Mom.

While I was calling the hospital and the airline to trace my Mom’s luggage as she requested, I heard news on the radio and TV about people standing on long lines around the region to vote, which was just background noise to me at the time. I only made it to the polls five minutes before they closed, and that was only when I knew she would be released from the hospital and checked in to a nice hotel arranged and paid for by the airline that night. If the situation wasn’t resolved that day, I would not have cared if I missed the chance to cast my ballot. I think anyone in a similar situation with a loved one would feel the same.

Thankfully, my story had a happy ending, but I know I am no better than those with in similar situations with unfortunate conclusions. I am grateful that Mom is OK, and hope to avoid anything like it again, if possible.

Can you multi-task when uncertain and scary personal situations strike?

Divorce And Taking Sides

My parents are finally getting a divorce, and now that the proceedings have started and it is public knowledge, the reactions from family and friends have shown me who really cares about us and who does not. These revelations have made me stronger, and I feel liberated knowing the truth. For one thing, I am reminded that the ones who are truly there for my family and me are not always those who are related to us by blood.

The paternal side of my family continues to shun my mother, my siblings, and me by saying nothing at all. It is so true that silence speaks volumes, and in this case, it is not a surprise to me. My aunts and uncles from this particular branch of my family have never really approved of us, because we did not attend their church and subscribe to their particular view of the world. Ultimately, I will never feel bad about this because I have always been polite to them and loving to their children, as are my mother, brother and sister. The maternal side of my family has been mostly positive and kind to us, even though divorce is taboo in my parents’ culture as a whole. I do not resent the side of my family that turned their backs on us, because I know we did nothing to deserve it. I will always care about my cousins regardless of their parents’ feelings and attitudes, and know I have at least one aunt from my paternal branch who is sympathetic to my mother's difficult situation to some degree.

My friends have been very supportive, even those who come from cultures, religious backgrounds, and family structures that look down on divorce. They continue to show my family and me unconditional support and good will, and know when to dish out the constructive criticism I need if I find myself regressing rather than progressing in my life. I feel lucky, because I know there are too many people in the world who do not have enough emotional support during the most difficult periods in their lives, and feel isolated and in despair as a result.

Have you been shocked when family and/or friends shunned you during the worst times in your life? If so, how did you handle the situation?

The Truth in What You Hear*

The following was originally posted on January 19, 2012. It is being re-posted as part of our CHICKS ROCK! Summer Retrospective.


CHICKS ROCK! welcomes Amanda as a guest blogger this week:

Amanda Grant lives in Hoboken, NJ and enjoys spending time with her two year-old son Isaac and dancing. She left her successful 24-year career and founded USAdopt in New York to help potential parents navigate and accelerate the U.S. adoption process.

Have you ever considered adopting a child from the U.S. but thought: “if I adopt in the U.S., the birthmother can take back her baby” or “it’s too expensive” or “I won’t adopt from foster care because those kids are beyond healing”? If you’ve had these thoughts or similar ones, I encourage you to hear me out and reconsider the possibilities.

Four years ago, I was in the same place. I knew I wanted to become a parent by adoption, even though I wasn’t married, but didn’t know where to begin. All I knew was what I “heard” which wasn’t encouraging. So I researched and today I can tell you that most of what we “hear” about domestic adoption is incorrect or incomplete. I’m the proud mother of a beautiful, healthy boy born in New Jersey who I adopted at birth.

I had a positive experience adopting my son but not everybody does because the misinformation makes it challenging for even the smartest to filter out the facts. I became so passionate about helping people navigate the complex process that I left my 24-year career in asset management to start USAdopt.

USAdopt is a domestic adoption consultancy (not an agency or facilitator) that guides people through the process and prepares them for every step. When people know the facts, it often changes their perspective on and opens doors they didn’t know existed. For example, did you know:

Domestic adoptions cannot be revoked once finalized in court; they’re permanent.

Birthmothers cannot come back and take your adopted child. Even in an open adoption, the amount of contact information you provide is in your control.

There’s an adoption for every budget. There are tax credits, subsidies, grants, loans and fundraising alternatives to finance an adoption.

It’s usually less expensive to adopt from the U.S. than another country, and there’s a greater likelihood of receiving accurate medical history.

There were over 22,000 newborns available for adoption in the U.S. in 2010.

Many foster children, given a safe and loving home, will grow to be responsible, productive, self-sufficient adults.

Being single or part of the LGBT community does not reduce your ability to adopt a domestic child.

These are just a few of the facts that aren’t commonly known, and there are many more. We offer a free consultation so to find out how USAdopt can help you achieve your dreams of building a family, please contact me at agrant@usadopt.com.

Surviving Narcissistic Personality Disorder

We all know at least one narcissist, whether we are aware of it or not. I am educating myself about narcissistic personality disorder, also known as NPD, because a member of my family has it. I always knew there was something seriously wrong in my interactions with this person, but I did not understand what it was. Now that I know, I feel liberated; knowledge really is power.

A narcissist is someone who lacks empathy for other people; the individual knows the difference between right and wrong, but the ego always prevails. This particular family member of mine is (and always was) self-serving to a fault. I cannot imagine ever having a meaningful relationship with him in the future, because we never had one to begin with. This person has repeatedly said he does not care if my other family members and I ever speak to him again, because he believes he is right and the rest of us are wrong. Now that I recognize this as one of the symptoms of NPD, his behavior is at last de-mystified for me. I always knew that trying to reason with this individual was a waste of time, but now understanding that most narcissists like him never seek treatment because they don’t recognize the problem releases me from any residual guilt I had about our non-existent relationship.

I would suggest to anyone curious about NPD and certain people in their lives (a boss, friend, family member, spouse, or significant other) to use the Internet as your initial guide. Mayo Clinic’s website sums up the symptoms of narcissistic personality disorder best, in my opinion. If you want to go further, then I recommend The Wizard of Oz and Other Narcissists: Coping with the One-Way Relationship in Work, Love, and Family, by Eleanor D. Payson, M.S.W. Of the many books I have come across about NPD, I find that this one explains the disorder with the most clarity.

Do you know or think you know anyone with NPD?

Wishes And Their Consequences

Over the years, I have heard the quote “be careful what you wish for because it might come true” and processed it in my mind in different ways. Now, I am faced with some major changes in my life, some of which I wanted to happen for many years, and this same quote has re-entered my mind. While I am happy that some of my wishes are coming true, I am a bit apprehensive of what is to come as a result.

The first change has to do with my family dynamics; without being specific, I will say that I have wanted it to happen ever since I can remember, and now that it is imminent, I am both relieved and wary. The consequences of this major transformation will most likely be positive and negative, but I am hoping that the former will outweigh the latter. My physical reaction to this upcoming wish come true is similar to how I feel right before a roller coaster ride begins: even though my stomach is in knots, I am also looking forward to the good times ahead.

The other change has to do with my moving out of New Jersey to New York City. I am not very nervous about this at all, because it is a transition; I will most likely move next year to another state or possibly overseas. I have wanted to move for a few years now, and I am glad that it is happening. I like the idea of a new address, and re-adjusting my daily routines in another environment. The logistics of moving are never simple, but I am looking forward to reducing my possessions to what I need in my new, temporary home.

When wishes come true and changes take place, details always come into play. When they do, I have a tendency to get too caught up in them to enjoy the overall experience sometimes. I am going to try to avoid this pitfall moving forward. How does “be careful what you wish for, because it might come true” resonate with you?

Thoughts on Parenthood

My cousin and his wife just welcomed their first child into the world, and my family and I are sending good wishes their way during this happy time. They are a sweet and loving couple, and their new son is a well-deserved blessing in their lives. No matter how bad things can get in the world, a baby’s birth always evokes warm and fuzzy feelings and hopes for the future in me, even if these moments are fleeting. After all, babies do not stay babies for long, and the love between parents and children is tested for a lifetime.

As precious as each baby’s birth is, I know those who should never have children. It sounds severe, but I think everyone knows someone who is completely incapable of being a good parent for a variety of reasons. I know quite a few people who had children because they wanted someone to always love them, or because it was a last ditch effort to hold on to their marriage or relationship, or because it was what they were told was the normal next step in their lives, regardless of their inclinations. I have observed that none of these reasons are the right ones, and these parents tend to pay for their faulty logic later on. Not all of them are villains; they just have to grow up with their children to learn what parenthood is really all about.

To be a positive parent with the right amount of strictness, humor, and ease is an extremely difficult balance to achieve, especially when there can be more bad days then good. Single parents who do it on their own and succeed amaze me; of course I know that having a support system within the family and/or community is the key to raising a functional and productive child no matter what. I also believe that successful parents should be idolized far more than movie stars or famous athletes; they are the everyday heroes who make all the difference in our world.

What are your thoughts on parenthood today?

On Big Birthdays

My birthday seems forever away to me, yet all of my friends have been asking me for weeks what my plans are. At first, I brushed it off with a simple "dude, that's months from now!" Birthdays aren't a big deal to me but they seem to be super important to everyone else I know. Then the more I got asked, and the more weeks that passed, the more anxious I got. What AM I doing for my birthday?

So far, my plans consist of the Mets' opening weekend at CitiField and a performance of the hip hop improv group I'm obsessed with, Freestyle Love Supreme. In reality, I would've gone to both of these things anyway but since they just so happen to fall on the weekend of my birthday, it was easy to say "hey, birthday weekend extravaganza!" My extravaganza is falling a little short, though, since I've yet to figure out any sort of party or gathering which might also happen that weekend. Karaoke? Bar-hopping? Dancing? I have no idea.

Normally, I wouldn't even care, but the pressure everyone around me puts on having a great birthday is starting to make me antsy. As more and more of my friends either near, turn, or pass 30, it seems they all want everyone to do it up "while we still can" -- as if birthdays suddenly suck after you hit a certain age. Who knows, maybe they do, but I simply can't imagine that. Why, then, can't a few simple gatherings with people you care about be enough?

At the end of the day, I doubt it'll make much of a difference when my birthday actually arrives. Last year, the pressure was definitely on but I got sick and simply decided not to reschedule any attempt at a big outing. People were disappointed, but I didn't care. It is my birthday after all!

Do you feel pressure to have a big birthday bash? How do you normally celebrate?

Abuse From Afar

I have a friend who is in an abusive relationship. It started off with emotional bullying, and has moved forward to some physical roughness. If my friend still lived in the United States, I would report the incident even if they didn’t, even at the risk of losing a friendship. I believe that living in fear and dread of the person sleeping beside you is something unbearable. I dealt with it in my own family circle, and had a good friend and former teacher die at the hands of her abusive husband. I worry about those I love and care for when they are in positions like this, because I never want to feel like an enabler. My family friend who was killed had a neighbor who knew all about the abuse and never called the police. My mother happened to run into her soon after our mutual friend’s death and found it hard to contain her anger towards her. I think she felt guilty; I know I would.

I find that when friends share troubling information with me, they are not usually looking for advice. I have often felt like an emotional dumping ground for people’s problems in the past. Now, if friends or family keep sharing the same problems with the same people without changing their methods of dealing with it all, I call them out on it in the firmest and most respectful way possible. Sometimes I am told to back off, and when I am, I respond by saying that if they don’t want my input, they should stop confiding in me. Tough love is hard to dish out, but I find that I must do it at times.

I hope my friend will protect herself and her baby. Since she is on the other side of the world, all I can do now is pray that she will not become just another statistic.

How do you handle abuse when it happens to people you love?

The Truth in What You Hear

CHICKS ROCK! welcomes Amanda as a guest blogger this week:

Amanda Grant lives in Hoboken, NJ and enjoys spending time with her two year-old son Isaac and dancing. She left her successful 24-year career and founded USAdopt in New York to help potential parents navigate and accelerate the U.S. adoption process.


Have you ever considered adopting a child from the U.S. but thought: “if I adopt in the U.S., the birthmother can take back her baby” or “it’s too expensive” or “I won’t adopt from foster care because those kids are beyond healing”? If you’ve had these thoughts or similar ones, I encourage you to hear me out and reconsider the possibilities.

Four years ago, I was in the same place. I knew I wanted to become a parent by adoption, even though I wasn’t married, but didn’t know where to begin. All I knew was what I “heard” which wasn’t encouraging. So I researched and today I can tell you that most of what we “hear” about domestic adoption is incorrect or incomplete. I’m the proud mother of a beautiful, healthy boy born in New Jersey who I adopted at birth.

I had a positive experience adopting my son but not everybody does because the misinformation makes it challenging for even the smartest to filter out the facts. I became so passionate about helping people navigate the complex process that I left my 24-year career in asset management to start USAdopt.

USAdopt is a domestic adoption consultancy (not an agency or facilitator) that guides people through the process and prepares them for every step. When people know the facts, it often changes their perspective on and opens doors they didn’t know existed. For example, did you know:

• Domestic adoptions cannot be revoked once finalized in court; they’re permanent.
• Birthmothers cannot come back and take your adopted child. Even in an open adoption, the amount of contact information you provide is in your control.
• There’s an adoption for every budget. There are tax credits, subsidies, grants, loans and fundraising alternatives to finance an adoption.
• It’s usually less expensive to adopt from the U.S. than another country, and there’s a greater likelihood of receiving accurate medical history.
• There were over 22,000 newborns available for adoption in the U.S. in 2010.
• Many foster children, given a safe and loving home, will grow to be responsible, productive, self-sufficient adults.
• Being single or part of the LGBT community does not reduce your ability to adopt a domestic child.

These are just a few of the facts that aren’t commonly known, and there are many more. We offer a free consultation so to find out how USAdopt can help you achieve your dreams of building a family, please contact me at agrant@usadopt.com.

Long Distance, Birthday-Style

My mother just celebrated her 60th birthday, and when it came time to give her a gift, I found myself at a bit of a loss. What do you get for the gal who has everything? (By which, of course, I mean, the woman who has me for a daughter?) I actually had this thought in my head (in jest, of course), and after I got over that particularly egotistical moment, I realized that there was actually a bit of merit to my initial reaction. Here's how:

My mom lives halfway across the country from me, and one of the things that makes her happy is when she gets to see me (of course) and short of that, when she gets to talk to me on the phone. But, there are only so many things you can talk about on the phone without repeating yourself, so I had a new creative idea of how we could share an activity together long-distance. We are both nerdy, bookish, puzzler-types and we both enjoy word and logic puzzles like crosswords, Sudoku and picture logic.

My idea was that if we both had the same puzzle book, and started the same puzzle at the same time, we could call one another when we got stumped and it would be like we were sitting at the same table working on a giant jigsaw like we often do over the holidays. I thought it would be a nice piece of me to share with her.

She was very excited to receive the gift (because while she doesn't truly have everything, she doesn't need more stuff, either. Who does?) and she appreciated the gift of my time as much as the gift of the puzzle book (which, let's not lie, saved me some moolah). Even though we haven't started our shared puzzles yet, I am also really looking forward to calling her tonight to see how it goes!

I'm sure once we get on the phone we will revert to the old standbys--(Mom: How was your day? Me: How's Dad? Mom: Sold any books lately? Me: How's Dad?)--but the puzzles look like fun, too, and it will be nice to be together for a while, even from a distance.

A Real Role Model

A close family friend of my Mom’s passed away a few days ago, and I am still trying to come to terms with it. I met him last year when visiting India with my Mom. She met him and his future wife in nursing school in the 1960s, and became close friends. I learned from Arvind Uncle that his biological father gave him up to an orphanage run by Christian missionaries as a baby, just after his mother passed away. He said with no judgment or bitterness that he was glad that he stayed at the well run orphanage, even after his biological father attempted to get him back years later, because his childhood there helped make him who he was. He valued life, and never took it for granted.

I visited the orphanage and church where he married his wife, one my Mom’s best friends. I also toured the leprosy hospital that they worked in after finishing nursing school, which is also located on the same grounds. Arvind Uncle told me he could have worked overseas and made a great deal of money, but he felt called to work with leprosy patients, and never regretted his decision. I really admire him and his wife for their dedication to their work and their patients.

He also considered himself my Mom’s brother, and would tell people who asked about his family outside of his wife and children that he had a sister in the United States. Mom lost touch with her friends for years, so when they miraculously got back in touch with each other, their friendships were as strong as ever. I will never forget arriving at the airport to visit them, and being greeted by Arvind Uncle and most of his family with bouquets of flowers. I have never had such a warm reception before! In the few days that followed, I felt like I was a part of his family; my time with them was one of the best experiences I had in India. Returning to the country will never be the same.

A Decade Later

Like most Americans, especially those who live near Manhattan or Washington D.C., I will never forget September 11, 2001. I was half asleep listening to the radio when I first heard that a plane hit the World Trade Center’s North Tower. At that moment, a friend called me to ask if my father worked in one of the Towers, which he did. I jumped out of bed, and ran to the television, where I saw the North Tower on fire, and then the second plane hit the South Tower.

I found out later that my father was late to work that day, and although he witnessed some of the terrible things most of us have only read and seen footage of on television, he was not in the North Tower, which was the building he worked in. He and many others who had just emerged from the subway witnessed the chaos, and then they all walked uptown, away from World Trade Center. My father could not contact my family by phone until later that afternoon, so we spent the first part of the day praying and wondering where he was. When he did arrive home, he was covered in a layer dust from the collapsed buildings. I never asked him how far away he was from the Towers when they went down, and he has never spoken of the attacks since that day.

After learning about a third plane going into the Pentagon and then another one crashing in Pennsylvania on its way to Washington D.C., I wondered (like most Americans) if we were being invaded by terrorists, by way of hijacked planes. My fears subsided as the air space cleared; then I wanted more knowledge to become empowered. In the days, weeks, months, and years that followed, I educated myself to gain further understanding of the world. It might sound cliché to some, but I am forever reminded of how precious and fragile life is. It has been ten years, but I never take what I learned and experienced from that day for granted. I will always remember.

The Silent Treatment

I really dislike the silent treatment. I am annoyed when people use it towards me, and I only do it if as a means of last resort when dealing with a difficult person. I understand when people have to take step back from one another at times, but when it is a recurring pattern, and it lasts months and even years, it can be absolutely frustrating, and sometimes heartbreaking. I have dealt with this in my family, and have had to learn to understand and come to terms with behavior I do not like.

When I have tried to talk to a certain someone, and that person acts like I am not there or responds in an aggressive manner, that is when I take a step back because of self-preservation. This person has always been a negative force in my life, but I have learned a lot from the extended silences and the times in between. One of the most important of these is how not to act when in conflict with someone else. While my other family members and I have to keep our physical and verbal distance from this particular person, I make sure to keep the lines of communication open with other people in my life, even if there is conflict. I don’t need to make anyone who does not like me to be “my best friend,” but I always believe in being civil and polite, even if the other person will not reciprocate. Of course if he or she is completely rude, I know I have to stand up for myself. I have learned to do so the hard way, but I think I do it pretty well when needed, and with class.

Bottom line, I just don’t think maintaining an angry silence within any relationship is a good thing. This is especially true if it keeps reoccurring; that means there is a major dysfunction that should be taken care of. If not, the cycle of silence continues.

Do you think the silent treatment works, or do you dislike it as much as I do?

The Performance Gene

I definitely did not inherit the performance gene in my family. I have cousins who sing and dance so well that I find it hard to believe that we are related sometimes. While my childhood was isolated, they had (and continue to have) exposure to many people within their cultural and religious worlds. Part of me is glad not to have the pressures to fit in with a community that can be extremely judgmental, but another part of me knows that the experience of performance and exposure to a variety of people at a young age can be beneficial to social development.

I saw the benefits of having the performance gene recently with one of my cousins as she danced to a packed, inadequately air conditioned theater. She had the usual jitters associated with performing live in front of family and friends, but she held herself with such poise as the theater remained hot. It wasn’t so bad for me, because the ceilings were quite high and I remained seated with everyone else as I fanned myself constantly. My cousin had the stamina and the discipline to perform dance after dance, and make it look effortless.

My cousin is trained in the classic dance from of Bharatanatyam, which originates in Southern India, which she has been part of it since she was five years old. The dance recital, or Arangettam as it is called in my parents’ native language, usually takes place after years of training with a dance guru; it is like a final exam and graduation all in one. I was completely ignorant of this aspect of the classical Indian dance world my cousin has been in until the day of her Arangettam, when I saw her hard work pay off before my eyes. I am not sure I would have had the discipline and passion she has for dance, even if I had the opportunity to take classes as a child.

Do you have the performance gene? If so, do you think it gives you an advantage over those who do not?

My Grandmaternal Inspiration

For me, yesterday was not only the 10th Anniversary of The Women’s Mosaic; it was also the day my maternal grandmother passed away in the 1980s. I have been thinking about how grateful I am to have what I have, since my grandmother was not as fortunate. One of many things she did not have was access to a thriving community of women like The Women’s Mosaic. She is an inspiration to me, and I am proud to be a part of her family tree.

My siblings and I never had a chance to meet my grandmother. My Mother received news that she was gravely ill and had to get enough money together so that the whole family could fly back to India. My family struggled financially for years because my parents financially supported many family members in India, so things like family trips were out of the question. When we were on the plane flying over Europe, she passed away. I have flashes of memory from my first time in India; my Mother weeping in the courtyard of her parents’ home, and me looking up at her and hugging her waist; mosquito bites all over my legs and arms, tall trees laden with tropical fruits, lots of rain, and blurry images of family members I barely knew then, and even now. Later, I started asking my Mother about the woman she was so desperate to see again before her death, but couldn’t. She told me about how difficult village life in Southern India was for her mother, including how she never learned to read and write. Even with the lack of education, she used to help my Mother with her homework, especially mathematics. Apparently she was a natural when it came to figuring out solutions to equations in her head. I wish I had that gift!

My grandmother supported her family in an often socially hostile environment, with very little money. Still, she did an amazing job, and her children and children’s children are proof of this. I honor her life as I celebrate TWM’s 10th Anniversary.

A Party & Paris

There are moments in your life that you want to make extra special, and major birthdays are one of those. My mother just turned 50 and said from the beginning of the year that she wanted a big birthday party with as much of her family there as possible.

My sisters and I, however, thought this was a terrible idea. My mother's family is a lot of drama, and we knew that even though it sounded good to her, she would regret it as soon as the party was over. And spending that much money on one night made no sense to us when a trip abroad would be the same amount and much more memorable.

So my sisters and I have spent the last few months simultaneously planning a French-themed dinner party and a trip to Paris. The dinner would be a surprise and have my mother's close friends and family here in NY as guests, but the trip would be the real gift.

Even though I knew it would all turn out at least okay if not great, it added a layer of stress to the last couple of months. My sisters and I were constantly arguing about what was and wasn't important, something being too expensive or taking too long, how our mother would feel about one detail over others. It didn't help matters that when things would not go as planned, one or the other would freak out and become a complete pain to deal with.

Well, the party was this past weekend and it was, for the most part, a success. The food was good, my mother felt special and didn't complain too much (our family is known for complaining, so it was inevitable), and she's excited for her trip to Paris this fall. As I expected, it wasn't anywhere near perfect, but it turned out well in the end. Now I just need a little break from my sisters and all will be right with the world...

Have you ever been stressed by planning a major event with other people?