Gay Marriage Is Right*

This piece was originally posted on June 22, 2011. It is being re-posted as part of our CHICKS ROCK! Summer Retrospective, during which we will post a combination of new content and posts from the past. Enjoy!

The ongoing debate about gay marriage, particularly in New York and New Jersey, has flared up annoyance and some anger in me. Every time I think we as a society are moving closer towards acceptance of all law abiding people, regardless of sexual orientation, I am reminded by certain people that we still have a very long way to go. I have heard it said many times that the pursuit of equal rights for gay and lesbian citizens is our latest civil rights movement. People may dispute this vehemently, but I believe it is true.

I think the opposition to gay marriage shared by a number of religious groups is one of the main reasons why I am no longer religious. Born and raised a Roman Catholic and having attended Catholic schools in New Jersey, I felt genuinely repressed and ill at ease with religion as a whole. I always believed in a Higher Power, but I find the bigotry towards gays and lesbians to be contradictory to Christian values of acceptance and love. I have a distinct aversion for people who consider themselves closer to God based simply on which religious group they belong to, especially when they speak words ranging from ignorance to pure hatred towards those they see as outsiders.

As a straight woman who believes that there are many people out there who should not be married due to their destructive personalities, I am also supportive of anyone who wants to enter into the matrimonial state for all the right reasons. Love, friendship, respect, loyalty, and more can be shared by any two people who want to grow old together, and that is a beautiful thing. Regardless of the outcome of the pending vote in New York for or against gay marriage, I will always see any union between two loving people the same way, regardless of sexual orientation. Regulating love is never a good thing.

Gay Marriage Is Right

The ongoing debate about gay marriage, particularly in New York and New Jersey, has flared up annoyance and some anger in me. Every time I think we as a society are moving closer towards acceptance of all law abiding people, regardless of sexual orientation, I am reminded by certain people that we still have a very long way to go. I have heard it said many times that the pursuit of equal rights for gay and lesbian citizens is our latest civil rights movement. People may dispute this vehemently, but I believe it is true.

I think the opposition to gay marriage shared by a number of religious groups is one of the main reasons why I am no longer religious. Born and raised a Roman Catholic and having attended Catholic schools in New Jersey, I felt genuinely repressed and ill at ease with religion as a whole. I always believed in a Higher Power, but I find the bigotry towards gays and lesbians to be contradictory to Christian values of acceptance and love. I have a distinct aversion for people who consider themselves closer to God based simply on which religious group they belong to, especially when they speak words ranging from ignorance to pure hatred towards those they see as outsiders.

As a straight woman who believes that there are many people out there who should not be married due to their destructive personalities, I am also supportive of anyone who wants to enter into the matrimonial state for all the right reasons. Love, friendship, respect, loyalty, and more can be shared by any two people who want to grow old together, and that is a beautiful thing. Regardless of the outcome of the pending vote in New York for or against gay marriage, I will always see any union between two loving people the same way, regardless of sexual orientation. Regulating love is never a good thing.

Shower Party Planning

Party planning doesn’t come naturally to me, but I have been learning to do my best when the duty falls in my lap. I am planning my sister’s shower with the help of two of her friends, which makes life a lot easier for me. I helped plan two for friends of mine in the past, but this one is very different; the others were traditional bridal shower affairs, but my sister’s party will be a co-ed couples’ shower. She and her fiance wanted it that way, and we gladly obliged.

Another aspect to this event that we all appreciate is that the shower is potluck; each of us will be bringing food and/or drinks to the venue, which happens to be a friend’s apartment in New York City. When funds are limited, especially during financially difficult times, it should be easy to comprehend why we are doing this. I am glad to be focusing on other aspects of the party, such as games and gifts for guests, instead of planning a menu for several dozen people.

Even with all this planning ahead, I know that things could go wrong: people cancel at the last minute, or guests can bring more people with them, even though each is allowed to bring just one other person, or everyone just brings drinks and no food. All I know that I can do is to go ahead with the planning and prepare to do damage control if needed. It is just a party, after all, and I want to have a little fun during this process.

Do you enjoy party planning, or is it something you let other people take care of?

The Best Woman

My sister is getting married at the end of this year, and she made me her best woman. She told me point blank that she does not like the maid of honor title, because in the dictionary maid refers to a woman’s single status in antiquated terms, or a woman’s position of servitude. I personally love the unconventional title, and I hope to live up to it on my sister’s wedding day.

No one in my immediate family really likes weddings. We don’t mind being invited to them, and our good wishes for those happy couples are always sincere; it is the excessive use of money and all of the pressures that come from putting together a wedding that really puts us off. A marriage is so much more than just a wedding and a honeymoon. When I hear reports of people who spend tens of thousands of dollars on their nuptials only to be separated, divorced, and/or in serious debt for years afterwards, it really perplexes me. Premarital counseling should be required for all engaged couples before they go ahead with marriage, but this is just my opinion. After all, we have to go through driver’s education before pursuing our drivers’ licenses; why can’t obtaining a marriage license require the same?

I have seen how much my sister and her fiancé have prepared for their life together as husband and wife. Premarital counseling and just being open with each other have made their decision to marry a completely logical and understandable next step. As my sister’s best woman, I will have some responsibilities, but the role will not overwhelm me, especially since I may move out of the area very soon. I just know that on the day of the wedding, I will be there to give a toast and help make sure the day in question runs as smoothly as possible, but the fact that it is a destination wedding alleviates so much pressure; a smaller guest turnout will help make the day easier and more enjoyable. Yes, I am very glad to be the best woman.

Dearly Beloved,

People always like to break the world up into binary groups, and I usually resist that, because I too-frequently end up on the fence between the two sides. For instance, in keeping with last week's Friday Forum, one might say there are two kinds of (single) people in the world: Those who want to get married, and those who don't.

Ummmm.....Fence, party of one?

I will say, however, that I've decided there are two kinds of weddings: Those that make me feel lonely and those that make me believe in love. I've been to a couple of weddings recently, and I consistently find myself turning all girlish and teary at the sight of a bride walking down the aisle. Gets me every time. Now, I can honestly say that I've never felt pressure to partner up and settle down--not from my family nor my friends, and not even from within myself--but sometimes I get a little nagging feeling like...is it ever going to happen for me?

Ninety-nine times out of a hundred, this little feeling is matter-of-fact, not a source of distress. I figure, I'm enjoying my life and I have time. I'm lucky enough to live in a community where it's not unusual to find unmarried women of my age. I have friends, and I'm learning things about myself, and I negotiate the world enough to feel that I have options. So I count myself lucky. But when I'm sitting in the pew watching a great couple exchange vows, I think that it must be amazing to know that you will be side by side and hand in hand with someone forever.

Yes, I'm a romantic at heart. So how do you explain what happens next? I blot tears from my eyes, and by the time dinner is served and the music is pumping and I'm rocking around the dance floor with all our mutual friends, I've forgotten I even have tissues in my purse. And I tend to avoid vying for the bouquet.

Friday Forum: Wedding Wows and Woes

Traditionally, the summer months are wedding season. Every year, millions of people get married, but the summer months are a time of love and high stress for a lot of couples.

What are some of your own wedding stories? What were the highs and lows of your own wedding planning? What are your favorite memories as wedding guests - sweet surprises or funny moments?

Like a Fish Needs a Bicycle

CHICKS ROCK! is happy to have Kristina back as a guest blogger this week.

Kristina Leonardi is the founder of The Women’s Mosaic. She is a career/life path consultant, speaker, seminar leader and expert in the areas of women, diversity and personal growth.


John and Abigail Adams. King Hussein and Queen Noor. Bill and Melinda Gates. Barack and Michelle Obama. These are just some couples who appear to have a great partnership as well as romance and passion in their marriages.

Back in the day (and in some parts in the world still) especially for women, being hitched was linked to survival or a business transaction between families. In 2010, where we can now lead successful independent lives, where does that leave us with the whole question of saying "I do"? (For an interesting musing on the subject check out Liz Gilbert's recent book, Committed.)

The 'fruits of feminism' have at times confused us all. As I recently heard in a lecture by sociologist and masculinity expert Michael Kimmel, if a woman is captain of the ice hockey team and top of her class at Yale, the guys subconsciously think, what the heck does she need me for?

Whether a woman or a man we all have needs, and then things we think are needs. You may not need another person to take care of you physically, emotionally, financially and/or spiritually, but everyone wants someone to love and to be loved in return, whether you're woman, man or even a fish. We look for partners, friends, lovers, intimacy. And that has nothing to do with what gender you are, era you were born in or who the object of your affection may be - it is a timeless, eternal and basic human instinct.

But before you tie the knot with another (or at any point throughout your nuptial bliss or blitz) I always recommend marrying yourself first- whatever that means to you. Because if you don't promise to love, honor and cherish yourself, then why would anyone else?

Can't quite make it to the altar with yourself or your beloved? I'm no Dr. Ruth, Millionaire Matchmaker or internet-ordained minister, but I can serve as 'justice of the peace' and help you discover that first comes self-love, then comes some form of marriage, then comes whatever it is you desire, even if it is just a cabbage.

Back to School for Your M.R.S.?

I was talking to some friends a few weeks ago and one of them revealed a shocker - at least to me. He mentioned that all of the women on his team at work have admitted that they went to business school was to find a husband. In the 21st century? Really?! There must be cheaper ways to meet men, no?

We didn't talk about this for very long because it was mentioned during a bigger discussion, and either way, the women weren't there for me to ask personally, but this still struck me. I'm going to have to assume, for starters, that nabbing a man was only part of the reason. Business school is expensive, after all, and these women are now working for a major corporation so it's not like they're the 1950s M.R.S. degree stereotype.

But... still. The fact that these women would openly admit that they wanted to go to business school to get a husband makes me think that 1) there must be at least some truth to it and 2) it must be more than a tiny part of their thinking. Which I find shocking and confusing.

Graduate school is really expensive nowadays, and finding something compelling enough to keep your interest for at least a few years is hard. Not to mention the fact that once you get to grad school, you have to work hard and keep your attention on your studies and advancing your career. The idea that, on top of those worries, somebody would want to search for a spouse seems strange to me.

Am I alone in this? Do any of you know somebody who went to grad school to find a husband? What do you think of this?

Love and Longevity

Pauline has posted about the pressures on single women (especially those “of a certain age”) to get married and settle down, and Sally has posted about the pressure on committed couples to throw a wedding. I tend to land in the same place they do on this issue, which is to forget about what others think and to move along at my own pace. I don’t worry about it—I just live and let live. But the topic has a tendency to resurface.

A recent Newsweek article* discussing my generation’s shifting attitudes toward marriage cited some intriguing and comforting (to me!) statistics. For instance, the article reports that the median age for marriage in the U.S. is 28 for men, 26 for women—the highest it’s ever been. And apparently waiting isn’t such a bad thing, because: “Every year we put off marriage, our chances of divorce go down.”

The article goes on to ponder the true question of our day: “If you’re going to wait, why do it at all?” If marriage is no longer economically necessary and singledom not so strongly socially taboo, why not skip the expensive party and look for completion in other ways? A woman can make her own living these days, but is it really true that the “old maid” taboo has lifted?

I love the idea of marriage, and I’ve certainly witnessed some strong and beautiful partnerships. In fact, this weekend I attended a lovely wedding ceremony for an old college friend. Yet, I can’t help thinking about all the ways the world has changed in the last half decade. It makes sense to me that the model for marriage set by the likes of Donna Reed and Leave It to Beaver has begun to shift towards something entirely new. The old joke about women going to college to get their “MRS” no longer applies.

In the old days, marriage meant stability and commitment and protection for both parties. Today, plenty of couples commit to one another without the formality. We still value the ideals of partnership and family, and the laws are slowly coming around to support unmarried couples. So what’s the big deal? Is it the same in the end, or isn't it?

*Jessica Bennett and Jesse Ellison. “‘I Don’t’: The Case Against Marriage.” Newsweek, June 21, 2010. p 42-45.

Infidelity Blame Game

I was very surprised to hear that a woman in North Carolina won $9 million from her husband’s mistress under the state’s alienation of affection law this week. The scorned spouse and her legal team convinced a jury that the “other woman” was instrumental in the destruction of her 32-year marriage. While I appreciate the plaintiff’s message to women to not have affairs with married men, I can’t help but wonder about the husband in the middle of this angst: after all, no one forced him to cheat. Shouldn’t the lion’s share of the blame be placed on the offending spouse? After all, when marriage vows are broken willingly, the problems exist between the two people who pledged their lives to one another.

I feel nauseous when I see two women fighting over the same man on reality television and talk shows. Usually, he says little or nothing at all while the two combatants for his affection scream and try to physically attack one another. In normal life, I have seen women guard their significant other from women in a variety of ways, such as preventing them from going out with their friends, calling them relentlessly when they are apart, and even warning others to stay away by issuing verbal threats. Of course, any relationship and both genders are not immune to these expressions of insecurity, but unfortunately it is still regarded as a predominantly female shortcoming. I find this to be insulting. Not all of us want to lunge at those outside of our relationships when they are plagued with infidelity. I am also not suggesting that aggrieved partners become best friends with the “other woman” or “other man” either.

I believe that when someone willingly cheats, it is that person alone who must repent the most to the scorned partner if he or she wants to save their relationship. Of course, there are those who cannot or do not want to understand, cannot apologize, and/or keep cheating.

Do you agree that blame should be shared when infidelity occurs?

Dealing With External Pressures

In one of my first posts, I spoke candidly about the pressures women endure to marry from their families, especially those from traditional cultures. I feel the need to bring up the subject again, because I was the target of some bias during my recent trip to India.

First of all, I am really proud of the way I handled myself. There were a few relatives I met who treated me differently during my visit, and I knew it had to do with my unmarried status and having been born and raised in the United States (yes, there is anti-American sentiment shared by some members of my extended family) but I did not feel or act guilty. Why should I? It is who I am, and I make no apologies for being single or being an American with Indian roots. The former may change in the future; none of us knows what fate has in store for us. But being an American? I am proud to be one, without being obnoxious about it, and always will be.

Secondly, I have noticed that blame has been thrown at my parents, particularly my Mom. This is one aspect of the situation that really bothers me. I have my own views about life which are separate from my parents' views. They want me to marry, and I would like to get married one day too, but I am determined to find a person who is right for me, and vice versa. I am not going to fret about something I do not have at present; what is the point? My life is my own, and my parents have little to do with my present and future choices. I wanted to shout it from the rooftops when I was visiting certain people in India, but I restrained myself. I knew it would be a waste of my time.

I did enjoy my trip overall, but like an elephant (my favorite animal), I won’t forget the bad as well as the good experiences.

How do you effectively handle external pressures? Any tips would be greatly appreciated!

Give From the Heart

It’s understandable why most people have forgotten the origins of St. Valentine’s Day. Today, the overwhelming commercialism of the holiday eclipses everything, and the beleaguered public pays the price. I say this because I have witnessed people standing on long lines outside of florist shops and small markets that sell flowers on Valentine’s Day with annoyed or anxious looks on their faces. I remember walking by one of these lines and hearing someone say to the person in front of him that he could not go home to his wife without buying anything for her. The way he expressed himself started me thinking about how important it is to give from your heart. I would not want to receive a gift from someone who felt pressured to buy it. The act of giving should be sincere, and performed with joy; if not then it’s a waste of time.

All relationships require maintenance and sincerity, but those that center on romantic love and intimacy (physical and emotional) need both the most. Why? Because we can live away from family and friends for long periods of time, and keep in touch with them periodically, but that just isn't enough for those in a committed relationship. Couples who live in close proximity of one another often complain about how difficult it is to make time for their relationships, so those living apart need to work much harder to sustain the bonds. And I say that anyone in a serious relationship shouldn't’t wait until Valentine’s Day and their anniversaries to honor and celebrate their relationships; making the time for one another on a daily or weekly basis means so much more than occasional grand gestures-at least it does to me.

So don’t be like the grumbling guy I overheard on that Valentine’s Day of yesteryear! Give from your hearts, as often and as much as you can.

The Times That Haven't Changed*

The following was originally posted on Oct. 6, 2008. It is being re-posted as part of our CHICKS ROCK! Holiday series.


I recently had a long conversation with a friend about relationships, specifically interracial ones. This friend is a young white man who’s in a long-term relationship with a woman of color. They’re bizarrely compatible, totally in love, and now planning to get married. Suddenly, a flock of doubters have emerged out of the woodwork – his family and friends, advising him against taking this particular plunge.

It continues to surprise me that in this time and place it is still so hard for some people to accept interracial marriages. My parents have spoken about various encounters they had in the 1970s, when their relationship began. Back then, it was still unusual to see a black man and a white woman walking hand in hand. Somehow, I had come to believe that times had changed.

My friend said his family claimed to be worried about the struggles he, his wife and their (hypothetical) biracial children might face in the future. They thought he was setting himself up for an unnecessarily difficult life. Devastated by their lack of support, my friend called me, looking for me to tell him that it would all be okay. He asked if I thought his engagement was a bad idea, and if I felt my life had been made more difficult because I am biracial.

It hurts me a little that these questions have to be asked, though I understand why they are. I answered in the only way I could. Being biracial has certainly affected me and shaped my life into what it is today. It’s impossible to list the ways it has made me different, because I’ve never experienced the world from within any other skin. But I don’t believe that any of those differences are bad, or something to be avoided.

Every relationship has challenges. This we know for sure. So why are the challenges faced by interracial couples perceived to be worse than those of any other couple? Why are they perceived to be avoidable? What is the supposed solution: just marry someone else? It's hard enough to find one person to love and be loved by.

I hope that as a society, someday we will be able to value each other’s happiness over our own fears, and to affirm love, in whatever form it may come, over prejudice.

What would you have said, if a friend called you with these questions?

To Marry Or Not To Marry, Is That The Question?

Several years ago, I was sitting with a cousin in his family home in India, talking about marriage. I was expecting him to lecture me on the importance of getting married and having children as soon as possible: I am not getting any younger, it would make my parents happy, and being content as a single woman is not "normal." While I was preparing myself for the insults, I was blindsided when he told me not to rush into anything. "I HAD to get married, and now I am stuck! I can't get out," he said under his breath to me. I became very uncomfortable when his wife tried to get his attention during this unhappy confession, and he impolitely ignored her. It was the first time I realized that they were unhappily married, and it made me feel sad for them both.

This incident didn't sour me on the institution of marriage; rather, it reinforced in my mind how important the decision to marry truly is. Like it says in the traditional marriage ceremony, matrimony “is not to be entered into unadvisedly or lightly, but reverently and soberly." I sometimes wonder if my hapless cousin was paying attention to these or any other words uttered during his ceremony, or if he was just waiting for it be over.

I know I am luckier than my cousin is. I live in a country and at a time when single citizens are not seen as the pitiable social outcasts they were once perceived to be. Still, I know many family members and some friends talk about me behind my back because I am single. Some of them may even mean well, but none of them can understand why I am not interested in getting "hitched" anytime soon.

I enjoy a good love story with a happy ending as much as the next person. It's wonderful when two great people decide to make their union permanent and legal. I may even consider it for myself in the future, if I meet the right person. But if it doesn’t happen, I won’t consider that a tragedy. I just feel that there are many different kinds of happy endings possible for single and married people alike.

What are your thoughts on this? Do you feel pressured to get married or stay single?