When Familiarity Breeds Contempt

“I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.” 
― Maya Angelou

Recently, I have been wondering about a certain pitfall of human nature that occurs within families, friendships, marriages, and other close relationships; it is when people (who should know better) turn against those close to them when they did nothing to deserve it. Since last month, someone very close to me has been a target of this type of unfair treatment, even after repeatedly telling and showing the "offended" party that she was not against them and wanted to keep the peace. I would have ignored it if it happened once or even twice, but she was barraged with accusations, which increased my annoyance with the situation. It all had to do with a much anticipated visit from a relative from overseas, how the news was shared with certain people and not others, and where he wanted to stay when he was here. This caused some unfortunate, long-standing family tensions to come forth. While I know he had a good visit, I also know he definitely would have enjoyed his time here much more without all of the unnecessary drama.

I have learned to deal with this treatment when the target is me; the last time it happened was late last year, when I overheard a conversation in which I was mentioned in dismissive and cruel terms. I was shocked at first, because I had just seen and had a pleasant time with this person, who I have known and loved for almost my whole life. After thinking about it for a little while, I realized that no matter how much I have and will always love and care for this person, she has always had an underlying feeling of contempt towards me, maybe because I remind her of a past she wants to forget. I may never really know why. Soon after the incident, I moved on, because I knew it had nothing to do with me; it had to with her feelings and perceptions. Our relationship may never be the same again, but at least I can say I have forgiven her; I will never forget it, because I learned some invaluable lessons from the experience.

I have observed that these conflicts often originate from the accusers' personal insecurities and skewed perceptions. Secure people don't have to attack those who did nothing to them. Fear of losing control, fear of the past or unknown, and/or maybe even envy or jealousy, can create major havoc in relationships. When I see people creating these negative dramas for themselves and others, I want to shake them and say, "Stop it! Life is too short for this nonsense!" But for those who act in these ways, trying to reason with them while they are in an unreasonable state will not work. The best thing to do is to take a step back, and refuse to engage in argumentative behavior that will not solve anything. When confronted, the best thing to do is to stand your ground, tell the truth, be diplomatic, and then walk away from the confrontation if nothing is working. Hopefully the accusers will calm down, stop hurling accusations, and maybe even apologize for their behavior. Maybe.

I may annoy and even anger some people I know with this post, but I think it is a subject worth talking about, and I wrote the truth. I know I can't be the only one who has experienced this kind of treatment, both directly and indirectly. The moral to this post is that even when you mean well and treat others with respect and kindness, there will always be someone who will take offense to those who don't offend for a variety of "reasons." Staying true to who you are is the best defense.

If you have any thoughts, please share them!

Salary Negotiations and Self Confidence

I recently learned the importance of negotiation, especially when it comes to salary. When I received a job offer letter from a small company offering a part-time position that will become full-time after a month, it looked good to me at first. Then, my eyes scanned down to the hourly rate listed, and I knew I had to start negotiating. While I understand that most companies of all sizes have had to downsize due to the lingering consequences of the recession, I knew immediately that I could not accept the offer as is.


From all that I have read and know from firsthand knowledge about salary negotiations, I am aware that many job seekers won't even attempt to start the process, which should happen right after an offer is made by a potential employer. Sometimes those who have been looking for employment for an extended period of time may be prone to jump on the first opportunity to come their way. I have different circumstances; I work as a consultant for several companies, and while I am open to a full-time position, it has to be something that will justify me giving up (or cutting down) on my other work projects. The position I was recently offered did not convince me to make any changes, because they are only willing to go up $1 an hour, and they are not offering any benefits.


My advice to anyone in this situation is to always see if there is any "wiggle room" in a job offer. If an increase in salary is not possible or not as high as you would like it to be, then a prospective employer may be open to other options, such as offering public transportation reimbursement, parking fees or a health insurance plan with varying levels of coverage. When I was negotiating my salary, I calculated how much my daily travel expenses to and from the location would be, and the result is one of the reasons why I decided not to accept the position.


I knew that if I accepted their terms with no hesitations, I would not be able to respect myself. I also think my would-be employer would have continued to undervalue me, knowing that I am willing to work for so little from the very beginning. Ultimately, I walked away from negotiations with my head held high, knowing that I made the right decision. Thankfully, I handled myself well enough that they are considering me for a per diem position, which I can definitely live with.


Do you have any salary negotiation stories to share?

Hello 2013!

Happy New Year to all of you who have checked in with CHICKS ROCK! since its launch in 2008! I will speak for my fellow bloggers as well as myself by expressing my hope that you all had a happy holiday season.

I don't know about any of you, but I was deeply shaken by many events that took place in 2012. The horrific shooting in Newtown, Connecticut, the brutal rape and death of a young woman in Delhi that received international attention, and the repercussions of Hurricane Sandy in the Northeastern U.S. affected me for a variety of reasons, but particularly because I have personal knowledge of the places involved. I know that those who have suffered and continue to do so are no better or worse than I am, and that I am not immune to their horrors. Instead of becoming deeply paranoid, I am focusing even more on the simple pleasures of daily life, while remaining humble and sympathetic to those far and near who are going through difficult times. It is one of my many New Year's resolutions to maintain this balance, because it is too easy to get too self-involved or to become obsessed with everyone else's issues while avoiding your own.

I am looking forward to the year ahead, and hope that there will be more progress rather than setbacks in my own life, as well as in the world around me.

What are your expectations for 2013?

Careful Correspondence

I was recently involved in a confusing situation at work, which involved an email I sent to provide guidance being misunderstood and causing the recipient to take offense. While that was not my intention, I can see why the tone of my correspondence was misconstrued. My company stood behind me, while at the same time suggesting I be more aware of my tone in my emails. I agree that this is something that I must do (as do most of us), especially since most of our interpersonal interactions happen via email, text, and social media. I decided to analyze my actions further so I do not make the same mistakes in the future.

First, I think understanding where the other person/party is coming from before getting into specific details is important. I only had one conversation with my now former client and his wife, and noticed the latter was much more talkative. I also discovered that they had different goals in mind than those provided by their company. This particular point should have made me contact my supervisor directly to alert her of this discrepancy immediately. While I did report the issue, I did not emphasize its seriousness to my company. While I am glad not to have brought it up during my conversation with the couple, I should have paused to clear up the confusion immediately with my company before moving forward.

I also wish I contacted my supervisor about an email she sent me to forward to the client about a sensitive matter. Because I went ahead and sent the email without realizing how it may be interpreted, I put myself in an awkward situation. I believe I should not have been given the task, because it was an issue to be settled between my company's and my client’s companies’ managerial and human resources departments. I will remember this in the future should a similar situation arise.

I am glad the situation is over, but others always arise to present new challenges. How do you handle the challenges of maintaining careful correspondence?

My Busy Summer

Summer is almost over, and there is still so much for me to do before the season ends. Moving tops my list of things to do by the end of next month, and as everyone knows, it is never fun to move. I do not look forward to deciding what I must keep and what has to go; I can do it, but as a natural procrastinator, I do not relish the task.

Making time for more fun is very important to me, and that includes travel. I do not have the time to go off to exotic locales, but I am hoping to take a few day and weekend trips to places I have never been to. One of my dream locales to visit is Quebec; I feel embarrassed that I have not been there, especially since I have always wanted to and it really isn't that far away. I hope to remedy this situation by Labor Day weekend, if possible.

I also want to reconnect with friends I have not seen in quite some time. I am usually on the phone or emailing them instead of being in their physical presence. I am guilty of breaking plans because work or other distractions that get in the way, and so I want to be sure to break this habit for the summer and beyond. I really am a social person, so I must resist letting technology and the demands of work get the better of me.

For the first time since I started blogging with CHICKS ROCK! in 2008, I am taking the month of August off to accomplish these and many more tasks. I will be back in September, but in the meantime please check out some of my previous blog posts from months and years past. This is part of the ongoing CHICKS ROCK! Summer Retrospective, which my fellow CHICKS and I are participating in.

Enjoy the rest of the summer!

Surviving Narcissistic Personality Disorder

We all know at least one narcissist, whether we are aware of it or not. I am educating myself about narcissistic personality disorder, also known as NPD, because a member of my family has it. I always knew there was something seriously wrong in my interactions with this person, but I did not understand what it was. Now that I know, I feel liberated; knowledge really is power.

A narcissist is someone who lacks empathy for other people; the individual knows the difference between right and wrong, but the ego always prevails. This particular family member of mine is (and always was) self-serving to a fault. I cannot imagine ever having a meaningful relationship with him in the future, because we never had one to begin with. This person has repeatedly said he does not care if my other family members and I ever speak to him again, because he believes he is right and the rest of us are wrong. Now that I recognize this as one of the symptoms of NPD, his behavior is at last de-mystified for me. I always knew that trying to reason with this individual was a waste of time, but now understanding that most narcissists like him never seek treatment because they don’t recognize the problem releases me from any residual guilt I had about our non-existent relationship.

I would suggest to anyone curious about NPD and certain people in their lives (a boss, friend, family member, spouse, or significant other) to use the Internet as your initial guide. Mayo Clinic’s website sums up the symptoms of narcissistic personality disorder best, in my opinion. If you want to go further, then I recommend The Wizard of Oz and Other Narcissists: Coping with the One-Way Relationship in Work, Love, and Family, by Eleanor D. Payson, M.S.W. Of the many books I have come across about NPD, I find that this one explains the disorder with the most clarity.

Do you know or think you know anyone with NPD?

The War on Bullying

I have mixed feelings about the sentence handed down on Monday in the Rutgers webcam spying case. While I was satisfied with the decision at first, I became less sure of it when I saw and heard the Ravis (the defendant’s parents) plead for leniency on their son’s behalf. Never once in their impassioned speeches did they attempt to reach out to the Clementis to express remorse to them for their loss. Did the defendant physically push his late roommate to his death off the George Washington Bridge? No. Did he intimidate and bully an emotionally fragile young man because of his sexuality? The jurors, the judge, and many others are convinced; I am too.

I know bullies, because I have family members, former classmates and former friends who share this dubious distinction. I remember feeling sick to my stomach when I had to be around any of them as a child, because they seemed to enjoy making me feel worse than I already did about myself. I was never a victim of cyber bullying, but I do recall having unflattering comments about me spread like wildfire. When all eyes were on me due to ridicule, I remember feeling that I wanted to be anyone else but me at those moments. Yet no matter how bad it got for me, I never wanted to end my life as a result. I also remember those who were bullied far worse than I ever was. Memories of what happened to these individuals still haunt me.

I wonder about families of bullies, like the Ravis, who see their child and themselves as misunderstood victims. Insincere apologies are worse than no apologies at all, at least I think so. Still, it is troubling that the defendant has never expressed sympathy to his late roommate’s family for his passing. Perhaps the years will open his eyes to the consequences of his actions; perhaps they won’t. Even though the sentence in this case is lenient, I still believe the bullies are losing in the war against them and their actions. It is about time.

In Trouble For No Reason

Have you ever been in a situation at work where you did nothing wrong, but the hypersensitivity of others gets you in trouble? This just happened to my mother, a nurse supervisor, who had to report a staffing situation at work, and then recommended that the managers make sure their staffing is secure before they leave for the weekends. She actually got in trouble for writing this, even though this is what managers are supposed to do. Her co-workers and I know she did nothing wrong, but it appears that her direct supervisor agrees with the manager who complained about her email in the first place. My mother has been warned and even threatened with termination if they find fault with her future correspondence. There is definitely more to this story meets the eye.

My mother is planning to retire next year, so she is ready for an earlier termination if it comes. She is also one of the highest paid in her position, so those who do the firing would prefer to let go of someone like her. This way, they can hire someone else to do the same work for much less. My mother’s supervisor, who was just hired last year to clean house, has been very critical of her for nonexistent offences. My mother’s saving grace has always been her great work ethic; if her performance was less than stellar, she definitely would have been fired by now.

The complaint made against my mother is just further proof that those who are great at their jobs, are pleasant and fair to their co-workers, subordinates, and supervisors, and always try to do the right thing can still be on the chopping block for a many complicated reasons. I think the lesson is to continue doing a good job, whatever it may be, but to be aware of those in the position to make life more difficult, for their own reasons. A little paranoia may be necessary for survival.

Have you been in trouble at work for no valid reason?

Beware of Scorpions

I always loved Aesop’s fables, but almost forgot one that has now become my personal favorite: The Scorpion and the Frog. It is a short yet meaty story about a scorpion agreeing not to sting a frog who agrees to take him across the river to safety. Inevitably the journey is ill-fated; they both wind up sinking, because of the scorpion’s nature to attack, even though it leads to his demise. It is not a happy story, but the lesson it teaches resonates with me. I want to avoid being at the mercy of the scorpions around me and to know them when I see them. It is similar to Sun Tzu's “know your enemy" with animal references.

This is hard to do when there are scorpions in our family and friend circles. I have dealt with one in particular since childhood, but my becoming aware of this individual’s destructive nature has helped me gain the proper perspective. I learned how to avoid poisonous behavior to maintain my own peace of mind. It is strange to compare a person to a scorpion, but I just see it as a point of reference in my own psyche. I know I never want to be a frog, when it comes to another person’s nature to attack others and self-destruct in the process.

When it is unavoidable dealing with a scorpion, whether it is a boss, a difficult family member, or friend of a friend, I find that the best ways to handle the situation depend on the nature of the relationship. If contact is limited, maintaining an emotional and physical distance and avoiding any financial, legal, or other kind of arrangement are key strategies. It is more difficult if the scorpion is predominant in our everyday lives. Regardless of the relationships, it is important to protect ourselves and understand the nature of cruelty, so it does not destroy us.

How do you deal with your scorpions?

Abuse From Afar

I have a friend who is in an abusive relationship. It started off with emotional bullying, and has moved forward to some physical roughness. If my friend still lived in the United States, I would report the incident even if they didn’t, even at the risk of losing a friendship. I believe that living in fear and dread of the person sleeping beside you is something unbearable. I dealt with it in my own family circle, and had a good friend and former teacher die at the hands of her abusive husband. I worry about those I love and care for when they are in positions like this, because I never want to feel like an enabler. My family friend who was killed had a neighbor who knew all about the abuse and never called the police. My mother happened to run into her soon after our mutual friend’s death and found it hard to contain her anger towards her. I think she felt guilty; I know I would.

I find that when friends share troubling information with me, they are not usually looking for advice. I have often felt like an emotional dumping ground for people’s problems in the past. Now, if friends or family keep sharing the same problems with the same people without changing their methods of dealing with it all, I call them out on it in the firmest and most respectful way possible. Sometimes I am told to back off, and when I am, I respond by saying that if they don’t want my input, they should stop confiding in me. Tough love is hard to dish out, but I find that I must do it at times.

I hope my friend will protect herself and her baby. Since she is on the other side of the world, all I can do now is pray that she will not become just another statistic.

How do you handle abuse when it happens to people you love?

Like A Child

Sometimes I miss being a child, especially during the holiday season. I would not say I had spectacular Christmases and New Years when I was younger, but I did have more genuine excitement about those and other holidays throughout the year. I would not want to be a child now; I liked the television shows and toys of my youth far more than I usually care to admit. I also liked how playing outside was quite common for me, much more than it is for children now. Still, there are moments of pure contentment children have, and regardless of the generation gap, I do miss them.

I was reminded of these moments this past weekend, when I met two children at a local store I go to occasionally. I met them once before, and found them to be adorable and a bit shy. This last time I saw them, they were playing with their Pokémon cards and chasing each other around the store when they felt like it. Then they overheard me talk to their parents about how my cousins used to trade Pokémon cards as children, and that broke the ice. The boys approached me to show off their cards with great pride, asking me if I recognized the characters shown on them, which strangely enough I did at times. They enjoyed talking about how they trade the cards at school with friends and each other, but not in a spoiled, overindulged way. I liked talking to them about their world, which is full of fun and curiosity.

Maintaining a similar sense of fun and curiosity as an adult is hard, but I find I can savor the moments when I have them now, and appreciate those I had as a child. Christmas was never really about Santa Claus for me; it was about the Nativity story, the tree and decorations, Christmas carols, and of course, presents. Now I add retrospection of the year that has passed, and think about the year to come. I am an adult, but the inner child remains within me.

Happy Holidays!

Technology Withdrawal

I am thinking ahead about changes I want to make in 2012, such as possibly cancelling my Facebook account and travelling more. Both of these changes have to do with me wanting more face-to-face contact with people. The world is so much bigger than the Internet and technology, even though it does not feel like that sometimes. I just want to get back to basics.

I watched a few television clips from the 1980s (one of the great things about the Internet is that you can find almost anything) and noticed that the comedy, drama, and suspense sometimes increased when a person tried calling someone at their home and office, with no answer. The message was usually conveyed in person, with varying results. Now most of us have our cell phones, with texting and email included, so we are almost always reachable. I just can’t have my phone on all the time and I try to shut it off when I am out with someone or in a group, unless I am expecting an important call. I just want to focus on the people around me more than the device in my hands. I am by no means addicted to my phone, but I find that it has much more power over me than I care to admit.

Not too long ago, I accidentally dropped my cell phone with a piece of mail in a mailbox in front of a post office in a neighboring town. Panicked, I ran into the post office thinking that the postal official would have the keys to open said box. I had to wait for more than an hour in front of the mail box until it was opened, and during that time, I picked up the pay phone in the post office to make calls and went through technology withdrawal. As relieved as I was to have my phone in my hands again, I decided to limit my dependency of it, for my own peace of mind.

Do you think you are too dependent on technology?

The Art of Social Diplomacy

Being diplomatic and polite to people who don’t deserve it can be an art. There is finesse involved, as well as a large dose of restraint. I exercised my diplomatic muscles recently when I encountered my late neighbor’s relatives who came to her apartment to go through and collect her belongings. She mentioned them once to me before when I first met her a year ago, and from what she told me I knew they were not close and never saw her. I also realized how rude they were when they asked me impertinent questions about my neighbor and her cat. They actually wanted me to be responsible for the latter, which I firmly declined. I also refused to trap him for them, which I thought was odd and distasteful of them to ask me for.

Some people would have expressed their feelings of being insulted directly, but I decided not to; I still stood my ground so they knew not to ask me similar questions again. I knew I would probably never see them again, and this helped guide me during our short exchange. I pitied my late neighbor for having such disagreeable relatives, but I am glad she is at peace now and will never have to deal with them again.

The fact is most of us encounter unpleasant people in our lives on a daily basis. Effective coping mechanisms vary due to personal circumstances and the person(s) involved. For example, dealing with a difficult relative is different from dealing with someone who swipes the parking space you were waiting for. I heard on the news recently of a man accused of a road rage incident where he actually knocked down another woman with his own hands, causing her to be in a coma for a week. I don’t understand being so angry about a minor incident with my car that I would actually cause physical harm by force, and on purpose.

What are your thoughts on dealing with difficult people? Do you vary your strategies diplomatically, or do you handle each situation the same?

Death of a Neighbor

Just the other day, I overheard people on my street talking about my neighbor passing away. After some speculation, I learned that she died while walking to the door of her apartment to go outside. Thankfully, the property management checked up on my neighbor regularly due to her limited mobility and bad health, so when she did not answer her phone, the manager went to her apartment, and then immediately called for an ambulance. She was already dead when they arrived. I had no idea what had happened until that afternoon, on the street in front of my apartment, from people I had never really spoken to before.

I checked on my neighbor periodically, especially since I knew she had no family to speak of. She had a friend who shared a taxi with her when they went grocery shopping, but was mostly a recluse. I often heard her shouting on the phone to someone associated with her health insurance provider, or to one of the many doctors she visited and complained about after the fact. When I spoke to my neighbor, it was usually in front of her door in the common hallway we shared, and she would talk incessantly about her many medical conditions. She was always going in and out of hospitals every other week, at least. It was the way she spoke and represented herself, which made me believe that her medical conditions were not as serious as she said they were. I proved to be wrong, of course.

My neighbor’s death and the glimpses of her life I witnessed before it ended remind me that while I continue to enjoy good health and mobility, I must continue to make each day count. Sleepwalking through life is not an option, which was what my neighbor did near the end of her life; of course her medical and psychological states contributed to her limitations. My goals are to make meaningful connections with others and stay open to a variety of experiences throughout my life, for however long that might be.

Shaking Off Regrets

I try not to hold on to regrets if I can help it. It does not always work of course, but I generally reach the conclusion that a situation did not work out the way I wanted because it was meant to happen that way. There have been job interviews that did not materialize in employment, aborted travel plans to places I have yet to visit, and sometimes not making the kind of impression I want to make due to nervousness or other reasons. Instead of focusing on the past, even if it was only yesterday, I make sure that every day I try to make things better better for myself. It's not always easy, but I usually adhere to this way of thinking and it does help. Of course it can be difficult to do this when there are people around me who wallow in their regrets, and try to make me do the same.

I purposely try to keep away from people who are regret-ridden (of the non-criminal variety of course), but there are those in my family and associated with friends who I cannot always avoid. I do my best to tolerate their behavior, and stand up for myself when needed. Sitting through stories from people who regret their marriages, or how they are afraid to go back to school because of how bad they were in academics as children, or how much they hate their current or past jobs are normal unless they are repeated ad nauseum and those telling the stories have learned nothing from them. When I try to alleviate the mood by telling some to look forward to today and tomorrow, I am sometimes ignored, get a roll of the eyes, and occasionally I am heard.

We have to make the best with the time we are given; that goes for all of us.

A Real Role Model

A close family friend of my Mom’s passed away a few days ago, and I am still trying to come to terms with it. I met him last year when visiting India with my Mom. She met him and his future wife in nursing school in the 1960s, and became close friends. I learned from Arvind Uncle that his biological father gave him up to an orphanage run by Christian missionaries as a baby, just after his mother passed away. He said with no judgment or bitterness that he was glad that he stayed at the well run orphanage, even after his biological father attempted to get him back years later, because his childhood there helped make him who he was. He valued life, and never took it for granted.

I visited the orphanage and church where he married his wife, one my Mom’s best friends. I also toured the leprosy hospital that they worked in after finishing nursing school, which is also located on the same grounds. Arvind Uncle told me he could have worked overseas and made a great deal of money, but he felt called to work with leprosy patients, and never regretted his decision. I really admire him and his wife for their dedication to their work and their patients.

He also considered himself my Mom’s brother, and would tell people who asked about his family outside of his wife and children that he had a sister in the United States. Mom lost touch with her friends for years, so when they miraculously got back in touch with each other, their friendships were as strong as ever. I will never forget arriving at the airport to visit them, and being greeted by Arvind Uncle and most of his family with bouquets of flowers. I have never had such a warm reception before! In the few days that followed, I felt like I was a part of his family; my time with them was one of the best experiences I had in India. Returning to the country will never be the same.

The Silent Treatment

I really dislike the silent treatment. I am annoyed when people use it towards me, and I only do it if as a means of last resort when dealing with a difficult person. I understand when people have to take step back from one another at times, but when it is a recurring pattern, and it lasts months and even years, it can be absolutely frustrating, and sometimes heartbreaking. I have dealt with this in my family, and have had to learn to understand and come to terms with behavior I do not like.

When I have tried to talk to a certain someone, and that person acts like I am not there or responds in an aggressive manner, that is when I take a step back because of self-preservation. This person has always been a negative force in my life, but I have learned a lot from the extended silences and the times in between. One of the most important of these is how not to act when in conflict with someone else. While my other family members and I have to keep our physical and verbal distance from this particular person, I make sure to keep the lines of communication open with other people in my life, even if there is conflict. I don’t need to make anyone who does not like me to be “my best friend,” but I always believe in being civil and polite, even if the other person will not reciprocate. Of course if he or she is completely rude, I know I have to stand up for myself. I have learned to do so the hard way, but I think I do it pretty well when needed, and with class.

Bottom line, I just don’t think maintaining an angry silence within any relationship is a good thing. This is especially true if it keeps reoccurring; that means there is a major dysfunction that should be taken care of. If not, the cycle of silence continues.

Do you think the silent treatment works, or do you dislike it as much as I do?

The Kindness of Strangers

Sometimes I find that inconsiderate behavior is often the norm rather than the exception when I am driving, in a crowd, and/or in other public areas. I often hold the door open for those in front or behind me; sometimes they say thank you or nothing at all. There are times when people hold doors open for me, and I always say thank you; formulating those two words is not a struggle for me, as it can be for others. Perhaps it was the way I was raised or just that I always make an effort to show gratitude to those who show me kindnesses, and to reciprocate whenever I can. I know that I can never take the kindness of strangers for granted. It always catches me off guard, and in a good way.

I was on line to see the Alexander McQueen exhibit at the Metropolitan Museum of Art in New York last week, and was convinced that I would not get a chance to get in to see it before the museum closed. I anticipated the worst when I saw a line that was almost a city block long in front of the building. I discovered another entrance and a shorter line that the museum employees had opened, and struck up a conversation with a man who had a museum pass from his company. I got into the building in less than ten minutes instead of the hour I was expecting to wait, and as I got ready to pay my admission fee on the next line I was on, the same man offered to use museum pass to get me in for free. I was really grateful to him, and he went his own way after I shook his hand and rushed to join my friend who was waiting for me on another line to see the exhibit. It was a kindness I made sure he knew I appreciated before we parted ways, never to see each other again.

Have you ever been surprised by the kindness of strangers?

The Major Misinterpreter

Have you ever been shocked by someone else’s words? So much so that you initially believed that they mistook you for someone else? Thankfully this is not a common occurrence in my life, but it did happen to me last week. I am luckier than most, because after one more meeting with her later this summer, I will never have to see or deal with this particular individual again. But I have been in long term situations in office environments where difficult people have come at me in different ways. I empathize with any of who have to endure this on a daily basis.

My situation really illustrates how mountains can be made out of molehills. I have been working on a project for a client for several months, and recommended an associate I had previously worked with to be a part of it. Even before the verbal altercation, I picked up an aloofness I had not previously detected. After meeting and exchanging emails this time around, she called to reprimand me for what really was a minor oversight on my part. Without yelling, she threatened to call my supervisor. When I got over the initial shock, which really took just a second, I calmly told her that no offense was meant and I apologized for the misunderstanding.

She then proceeded to tell me that she did not like my perceived “preference” for emails over phone conversations, and actually criticized me for my clients’ actions, which I had no previous knowledge of. I did not apologize for these “offenses,” because she completely misinterpreted them for her own reasons. I only told her where I was coming from and how my clients’ actions in these cases were their own. I think the way I was firm but not argumentative put her at ease; she even made small talk with me after I appeased her. I was pleased with myself after the phone call; it could have gone from bad to worse if I had lost my cool.

How have you dealt with the “major misinterpreters” in your lives?

Stirring Things Up

I have become much more outspoken recently, and this has attracted praise and deep criticism from others. Whether it is about my personal life or what is going on in the world right now, I believe I should express my feelings; of course there are times when speaking up is not alright. For example, I would not bring up my support of same-sex marriage to relatives from my parents’ native country or my extended family members and friends who are against it. If any of them read last week’s post about this issue and wanted to discuss (or confront) me about it, I would of course stand my ground and defend my position. Generally, I find that people will speak up to others, but not directly to the person(s) responsible for stirring things up.

There are times when being “nice” and keeping quiet should be the last things a person does. I was actually advised recently to not use the word nice when describing someone, because it implies being gullible, or easy to manipulate. I think people used to see me in this way, so when I would express my opinions it would shock and anger them sometimes. The idea that the “nice” girl would have strong points of view and speak up against injustice is still considered contradictory.

For Fathers’ Day, posted a quote and comment on Facebook about how it is easy to become a father rather than to actually be one. It was a positive status update, because it praised men who are real fathers, without mentioning those who have given up, never tried, or are just bad at it. I recently heard that someone was put off by the implication of my Facebook status. Perhaps I touched a nerve without trying; who knows? I stand by my words and what I put out on the Internet. While I am not known to be confrontational, I will defend my right to speak up when it is challenged.

Do you avoid confrontation, or are you known for stirring things up?