When Familiarity Breeds Contempt

“I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.” 
― Maya Angelou

Recently, I have been wondering about a certain pitfall of human nature that occurs within families, friendships, marriages, and other close relationships; it is when people (who should know better) turn against those close to them when they did nothing to deserve it. Since last month, someone very close to me has been a target of this type of unfair treatment, even after repeatedly telling and showing the "offended" party that she was not against them and wanted to keep the peace. I would have ignored it if it happened once or even twice, but she was barraged with accusations, which increased my annoyance with the situation. It all had to do with a much anticipated visit from a relative from overseas, how the news was shared with certain people and not others, and where he wanted to stay when he was here. This caused some unfortunate, long-standing family tensions to come forth. While I know he had a good visit, I also know he definitely would have enjoyed his time here much more without all of the unnecessary drama.

I have learned to deal with this treatment when the target is me; the last time it happened was late last year, when I overheard a conversation in which I was mentioned in dismissive and cruel terms. I was shocked at first, because I had just seen and had a pleasant time with this person, who I have known and loved for almost my whole life. After thinking about it for a little while, I realized that no matter how much I have and will always love and care for this person, she has always had an underlying feeling of contempt towards me, maybe because I remind her of a past she wants to forget. I may never really know why. Soon after the incident, I moved on, because I knew it had nothing to do with me; it had to with her feelings and perceptions. Our relationship may never be the same again, but at least I can say I have forgiven her; I will never forget it, because I learned some invaluable lessons from the experience.

I have observed that these conflicts often originate from the accusers' personal insecurities and skewed perceptions. Secure people don't have to attack those who did nothing to them. Fear of losing control, fear of the past or unknown, and/or maybe even envy or jealousy, can create major havoc in relationships. When I see people creating these negative dramas for themselves and others, I want to shake them and say, "Stop it! Life is too short for this nonsense!" But for those who act in these ways, trying to reason with them while they are in an unreasonable state will not work. The best thing to do is to take a step back, and refuse to engage in argumentative behavior that will not solve anything. When confronted, the best thing to do is to stand your ground, tell the truth, be diplomatic, and then walk away from the confrontation if nothing is working. Hopefully the accusers will calm down, stop hurling accusations, and maybe even apologize for their behavior. Maybe.

I may annoy and even anger some people I know with this post, but I think it is a subject worth talking about, and I wrote the truth. I know I can't be the only one who has experienced this kind of treatment, both directly and indirectly. The moral to this post is that even when you mean well and treat others with respect and kindness, there will always be someone who will take offense to those who don't offend for a variety of "reasons." Staying true to who you are is the best defense.

If you have any thoughts, please share them!

Forgive But Never Forget

Since childhood, I have heard how important it is to forgive and forget, but like most people I do have a problem with following through with it. I am an easy going person, which often gives the impression that I can be taken advantage of, but I am also very observant and have a long memory, and will defend myself when someone tries to cross the line with me. I can forgive those transgressions, even if the other person is unapologetic. I do this by not holding a grudge and just having better manners overall. The forgetting part is something I do not think is necessary or right. Why should I forget the situation if it has taught me a valuable lesson? Forgetting makes it possible for the transgressed to be wronged many more times in the future.

I think this particularly true in abusive relationships; forgiving abusive behavior has to be reciprocated by the permanent end of that behavior through whatever means necessary. I have family and friends who have told me they forgave a significant other or family member for their mental and/or physical abuse, but it almost always re-occurs, and often worse than it was before. As a child and teenager I was often the target of bullies, both in my own family and at school, and have never forgotten what I went through. I believe that is the reason why I am not subject to that behavior as an adult, which I am grateful for. I convey this message to those who are still being victimized; my advice is usually not taken, but I feel good knowing that I have shared my feelings about these particular situations.

What your thoughts on forgiveness? Do you think forgetting the situation is key to the process of letting go?

Six Seconds

The following was originally posted on September 27, 2011 on Kristina's blog. It is being re-posted as part of our CHICKS ROCK! Summer Retrospective.

CHICKS ROCK! is happy to have Kristina back as a guest blogger this week.

Kristina Leonardi is the founder of The Women’s Mosaic. She is a career/life coacch, speaker, seminar leader and expert in the areas of career development, work/life wellness and personal growth.
 
I recently attended the screening of a very cool documentary called Connected.  An ambitious undertaking, filmmaker Tiffany Shlain has presented some interesting ideas and factoids in a unique visual way about the history of who we are and the connections we have to each other from the past, present and where we might be headed in the future.

One of the best tidbits I learned was that if you hug someone for six seconds or more, a dose of the feel-good hormone oxytocin is released.

Many of you who have worked with me individually, in a group or have talked to me after one of my workshops or seminars know that I’m a big hugger.  In addition to hugging my clients and audience members, I tend to hug strangers after a meaningful conversation, and even in more professional situations, say after a meeting, which may or may not be kosher, but I can’t help it; I often randomly hug friends, family members and co-workers because I somehow sense they need one, and I will occasionally request one myself (especially from a super-good hugger, like my bro!)

Why? I actually never thought about it.  It’s just always been a natural extension of who I am, the work I do and my love of people in general.  If I had to intellectualize it, perhaps it’s about sealing an interaction in a “Yes, I see and hear you, you see and hear me, and we can show mutual love, respect and care for each other as human beings in the most tangible way.”

And let’s face it, who couldn’t use a hug now and then?  We should be able to give and receive hugs freely, but for those of you who need to justify your request, there’s a scientific explanation, because hey, who wouldn’t want to get a little shot of some naturally feel-good feelings?!  So forget about the economy and the internet, because the true currency of connection is the HUG, and the good news is that it’s available worldwide and abundant in infinite amounts.

Feeling a little stressed or simply need a boost to brighten your day?  Instead of reaching for that Twix bar or beer, have no fear, don’t you pout just say hello and hug it out!  

Surviving Narcissistic Personality Disorder

We all know at least one narcissist, whether we are aware of it or not. I am educating myself about narcissistic personality disorder, also known as NPD, because a member of my family has it. I always knew there was something seriously wrong in my interactions with this person, but I did not understand what it was. Now that I know, I feel liberated; knowledge really is power.

A narcissist is someone who lacks empathy for other people; the individual knows the difference between right and wrong, but the ego always prevails. This particular family member of mine is (and always was) self-serving to a fault. I cannot imagine ever having a meaningful relationship with him in the future, because we never had one to begin with. This person has repeatedly said he does not care if my other family members and I ever speak to him again, because he believes he is right and the rest of us are wrong. Now that I recognize this as one of the symptoms of NPD, his behavior is at last de-mystified for me. I always knew that trying to reason with this individual was a waste of time, but now understanding that most narcissists like him never seek treatment because they don’t recognize the problem releases me from any residual guilt I had about our non-existent relationship.

I would suggest to anyone curious about NPD and certain people in their lives (a boss, friend, family member, spouse, or significant other) to use the Internet as your initial guide. Mayo Clinic’s website sums up the symptoms of narcissistic personality disorder best, in my opinion. If you want to go further, then I recommend The Wizard of Oz and Other Narcissists: Coping with the One-Way Relationship in Work, Love, and Family, by Eleanor D. Payson, M.S.W. Of the many books I have come across about NPD, I find that this one explains the disorder with the most clarity.

Do you know or think you know anyone with NPD?

Friday Forum: Valentine Faves

With Valentine's Day just around the corner, we're thinking a lot about love and friendships. What have been some of your favorite Valentine's Days -- whether with a partner, your best friend, or even a family member?

Abuse From Afar

I have a friend who is in an abusive relationship. It started off with emotional bullying, and has moved forward to some physical roughness. If my friend still lived in the United States, I would report the incident even if they didn’t, even at the risk of losing a friendship. I believe that living in fear and dread of the person sleeping beside you is something unbearable. I dealt with it in my own family circle, and had a good friend and former teacher die at the hands of her abusive husband. I worry about those I love and care for when they are in positions like this, because I never want to feel like an enabler. My family friend who was killed had a neighbor who knew all about the abuse and never called the police. My mother happened to run into her soon after our mutual friend’s death and found it hard to contain her anger towards her. I think she felt guilty; I know I would.

I find that when friends share troubling information with me, they are not usually looking for advice. I have often felt like an emotional dumping ground for people’s problems in the past. Now, if friends or family keep sharing the same problems with the same people without changing their methods of dealing with it all, I call them out on it in the firmest and most respectful way possible. Sometimes I am told to back off, and when I am, I respond by saying that if they don’t want my input, they should stop confiding in me. Tough love is hard to dish out, but I find that I must do it at times.

I hope my friend will protect herself and her baby. Since she is on the other side of the world, all I can do now is pray that she will not become just another statistic.

How do you handle abuse when it happens to people you love?

The Silent Treatment

I really dislike the silent treatment. I am annoyed when people use it towards me, and I only do it if as a means of last resort when dealing with a difficult person. I understand when people have to take step back from one another at times, but when it is a recurring pattern, and it lasts months and even years, it can be absolutely frustrating, and sometimes heartbreaking. I have dealt with this in my family, and have had to learn to understand and come to terms with behavior I do not like.

When I have tried to talk to a certain someone, and that person acts like I am not there or responds in an aggressive manner, that is when I take a step back because of self-preservation. This person has always been a negative force in my life, but I have learned a lot from the extended silences and the times in between. One of the most important of these is how not to act when in conflict with someone else. While my other family members and I have to keep our physical and verbal distance from this particular person, I make sure to keep the lines of communication open with other people in my life, even if there is conflict. I don’t need to make anyone who does not like me to be “my best friend,” but I always believe in being civil and polite, even if the other person will not reciprocate. Of course if he or she is completely rude, I know I have to stand up for myself. I have learned to do so the hard way, but I think I do it pretty well when needed, and with class.

Bottom line, I just don’t think maintaining an angry silence within any relationship is a good thing. This is especially true if it keeps reoccurring; that means there is a major dysfunction that should be taken care of. If not, the cycle of silence continues.

Do you think the silent treatment works, or do you dislike it as much as I do?

Friday Forum: Summer Lovin'

Warm weather seems to bring people out more, increasing the chances to socialize and meet new people. With everyone constantly joking about "spring flings" and "summer loving," we just have to ask if there's any truth to this.

Have you ever spent a summer with somebody, knowing it would probably end once the fall began?

Friday Forum: Reunited & It Feels So...

Whether it's a 10-year high school reunion or that group of kids you hung out with at summer camp ages ago, at times there seems to be a constant flurry of messages from people in your past.

Has anybody from your past ever tried to reach out to you again to get together? How did your reunion go?

Paying Attention

Taking time to take notice of my surroundings is something I do every day. It is essential to pay attention at school, work, driving, crossing the street, and many other times when our lives and livelihoods depend on it, but when it doesn’t, many just have tunnel vision or hearing. The chaos of modern life makes us that way; I believe New York City is a perfect example of a metropolis that is filled with people who have made tunnel vision and hearing an art. As a one-time inhabitant and frequent visitor, I understand why; there are too many distractions in the city, and so people must stay focused to get to their destinations.

Many times we use this tunnel view in our relationships with other people, especially when things start to go bad. I am currently in a situation where I cannot afford not to pay attention to someone in my life, because when I did in the past I suffered for it. Paying attention to what people are saying, even when they are not speaking, and other changes in our environment allow us to adapt and survive, ultimately. I have a friend who is in a terrible marriage, and others I know, she will not pay attention to how irrevocably broken her relationship is. She wants to prove to herself and others that she can keep everything together; she is paying attention to keeping up appearances, rather than to the truth.

Personally, I can only pay attention my own truths and those in the world around me, even if they are not pretty. While some might think from reading this that I see myself as enlightened, which would not be true; I am incapable of not paying attention. My own Mother told me that I have never lost the ability to observe and react to my observations in truthful ways. As an adult I know when not to express these truths to certain people and at particular moments, but I haven’t lost the ability to be observant to my realities. I hope I never will.

Friday Forum: A Royal Morning

It seems everyone this side of the pond is just as excited about the Royal Wedding as the Brits. Some point to the fact that there are few unifying events that are this joyful, so maybe that's it!

Did you get up early today to watch the festivities? Or are you avoiding all of it and waiting for it to pass?

Emotional Prisons

When the people I care about go through difficult times, such as dealing with those who want their emotional destruction, I want to help save the day. In other words, I want to inspire them to stand up to their villains and take them down, once and for all. Call it a hero complex without the glory, because I don’t want to be thanked at all; I just want to give strength to those who don’t have it. What I have realized is that my efforts are usually fruitless. True victory for those plagued by others has to come from the ones who are oppressed. It is the only way they can truly be free, once and for all.

There are all kinds of prisons; I know about the ones that cannot be seen. People I know in these situations describe their feelings of fear and isolation so profoundly that it evokes feelings of confinement. I have even visited people in their homes and felt the walls closing in on me; it is like visiting someone in a cell. There are no bars and barbed wire, and they can get out once in a while, but they always go back, because they are not ready and/or don’t have the strength to revolt and break free. The people I know undergoing this plight are those in bad marriages, relationships, and in highly dysfunctional families. A family member of mine is friends with a man who was emotionally terrorized and manipulated by his mother for years: he had a strictly enforced curfew, had his mail opened without his consent, and was told he could never leave home, even though he had thousands of dollars saved in the bank. It took getting married to make him break out of that prison; he was in his early thirties.

I feel for those who are emotionally imprisoned, especially if they desperately want to be free. All I can do is pray and hope they find the courage to stage their own “prison breaks.”

Have you experienced emotional imprisonment in your own lives?

Friday Forum: Valentine's Day

Earlier this week, Sally reminded us that Valentine's Day is coming up. It's a holiday some people love and other people dread, so where do you stand?

Do you like celebrating Valentine's Day? If you don't, why not? And if you do, what are your plans this year?

The Single Valentine

Valentine's Day, like most holidays really, has never been a big deal to me. It's a nice day to do something extra special with somebody you love, so the idea of it is cute, but I just never cared much. This year, however, I find myself unable to ignore it, probably because it's my first single Valentine's Day in 6 years.

I contemplated spending the day watching movies on my laptop and eating pints of ice cream, but then I realized this was the perfect excuse to have a ladies' night. I have three incredible friends, also single, who I've been able to lean on these past few months, and yet we've never all spent time together -- in fact, two of them have never even met! It's weird to think that these people who are so important in my life don't know each other as well, so what a better time to remedy that than on Valentine's Day?

We still haven't decided exactly what we'll do... Should we have dinner at a cheap restaurant, get drinks at a swanky lounge, watch a sappy movie, some combination of those things, or something else altogether? My only request was that we dress to impress and make the most of being each other's dates for the night. Other than that, I'm not worried because whatever we decide to do, I'm sure it'll be great.

Who knows what Valentine's Day might mean to me in the future, but for now I'm just enjoying that I'm lucky enough to have three smart, talented, beautiful Valentines.

The Power of Non-Verbal Communication*

The following was originally posted on February 24, 2010. It is being re-posted as part of our CHICKS ROCK! Holiday series:

I have known for some time now that understanding non-verbal communication is essential when it comes to human relationships. Many of my family members in India do not speak English very well (or at all) and I do not know much of my parents' native language, so it has been difficult to communicate with them. Regardless of the language barrier, I manage to keep my powers of perception as open as possible, because when speaking is difficult or impossible, simple actions like facial expressions or body language become very important when determining what another person is thinking or feeling at any particular moment.

Even when language is not a barrier, I still try to be perceptive in non-verbal communication. In many previous work and academic environments, I learned the hard way not to always believe what was promised or told to me at face value. I specifically remember a former employer trying to make conversation with me in a conference room before a meeting, and realizing for the first time that she did not like me at all. This became blatantly clear just before I left the position to attend graduate school full-time. I caught her in a lie about my job performance, and knew it was time to leave. I also remembered how she was on that day before the meeting, and other experiences that occurred afterward that really made everything clear.

Ever since this incident, I used my powers of perception to understand what people think. My observations are not always correct, but I have been more right than wrong when it comes to non-verbal communication.

Do you agree with my assessment? Why or why not?

Give A Gift, Be An Ally

Time is flying quickly. Thanksgiving has passed and the end-of-year holidays will be here before we know it. Even though I'm personally trying not to "deal" with the holidays just yet, I'm reminded that this is a time of year when a lot of gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender people choose to come out to their family or friends for the first time. I want to use my few paragraphs here today to celebrate that fact, but also to offer a bit of advice and a few resources to those who may unexpectedly find themselves in the position of being an ally this holiday season.

Make no mistake: to be an ally and supporter to an "out" person is a valuable gift--one that no monetary purchase can ever hope to equal. I believe that the simple words "I love you" and "I support you" can go a long way toward making someone feel at ease to be themselves around you. Don't underestimate how important such a simple and FREE offering can be.

The news lately has been peppered with stories of young people who've fallen so far from a feeling of acceptance that they've resorted to taking their own lives because of bullying or fear related to being gay, bi or trans. Each and every one of these stories breaks my heart. I want to do my part to stop these tragedies from occurring, because I believe every person, regardless of his/her sexuality, is special and beautiful and has meaning in the world.

I've considered myself an ally for many years now, and I've struggled with sexuality in my own ways, and in the midst of that I've learned a few simple tricks allies can employ that might help people feel comfortable to "come out" to you:

• Consider using gender-neutral language as much as possible when talking about romantic relationships (i.e. substitute "partner" for "boyfriend" or "girlfriend," even when you know the sex/gender of the person you're referring to)
• Along the same lines, ask broadly-definable questions (i.e., "Are you seeing anyone?" as opposed to "Met any nice guys lately?" or "Do you have a girlfriend?"
• When appropriate, make reference to your support of issues like same-sex marriage, ordination of gay clergy, anti-bullying, or your beliefs on equality, sexuality or human rights. Alternately, be open-minded and willing to engage different opinions even when expressing opposition to or questions about such issues.
• Honesty is important: if you can speak about your own struggles, and express your own questions and doubts, other people will respond in kind.

Also, here are some organizations and quick-link resources for people who are or wish to become allies:

• Gay and Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation (GLAAD)'s ally page helps us understand "How to be an Ally and a Friend."
• Human Rights Campaign (HRC) introduces ways to remain politically active on issues affecting LGBTQ communities.
• Parents, Family and Friends of Lesbians and Gays (PFLAG) offers support, resorces and activism opportunities for families and allies.
• Gay, Lesbian and Straight Education Network (GLSEN) provides information and resources to create safe schools and to fight bullying.

Do you know of other resources for allies? Have you had any experience being an ally, or drawing on the support of allies? What has been helpful for you?

Jungle Love

CHICKS ROCK! is happy to have Kristina back as a guest blogger this week.

Kristina Leonardi is the founder of The Women’s Mosaic. She is a career/life path consultant, speaker, seminar leader and expert in the areas of women, diversity and personal growth.



The latest casualties in celebrity breakups - Courtney Cox & David Arquette, Christina Aguilera & Jordan Bratman, Ben Harper & Laura Dern, to name a few - remind us that although things may look bright and shiny on the outside, there is trouble in paradise.

Whether you have the paparazzi spotlight on you or not, this is the area of life we are most often challenged in, even if we excel at everything else. Because when it comes to relationships, it's a jungle out there. Having realistic expectations of what we want and how to go about getting it is the key to navigating that often hostile and confusing environment.

The jungle image conjures up virgin territories, poisonous plants and camouflaged predators. But the reality is that it can also contain a myriad of medicinal cures and infinite beauty and diversity - a place of healing, discovery and wonder.

Just like the mighty forest of the Amazon, we each contain secrets and gems within us. It might first take wielding a machete to clear away the brush before getting to a place where you can see the light of day, and your partner in that light. It takes work - honest communication and emotional elbow grease - to get to that place where you are totally naked to just be, without the distractions, bells and whistles or ability to hide in the denseness of all that surrounds you. That is the place where relationships must exist; all the rest is gravy.

If and when you get to that stripped down place and can't embrace yourself, it will be much harder for your partner to. But if you have already unearthed all your hidden, not so nice parts, and love and accept them unconditionally while trying to improve them, then you can enter into a relationship truly whole and ready to give to another in the same way.

So whether you are traveling solo, have a 'plus one', or are not quite sure what your status is in this expedition called life, give me a buzz and I will help lead you out of the heart of darkness and into the bright city lights.

"Is He Financially Attractive?"

Last night, I made my way to WAM!NYC's event on financial literacy with personal finance expert Manisha Thakor, and I'm really glad I went because I learned a lot. (I'll probably share some of the highlights with you as I start putting these things into practice.) Manisha was friendly, funny, and talked to us like she was our friend, which all made the information she was giving us much more accessible. Seriously, I can't think of anybody else who has made me feel that comfortable when talking about money.

But of all the things she spoke about, one of the things that resonated with me the most was about finances in relationships. She kept telling us that we needed to talk money with our honey, and stressed that it's particularly important because financial opposites attract.

She gave the example of a saver going on a date with a spender, who marvels at his offer to buy popcorn and soda at the movies. We all laughed when she gave the reaction I know I've had, "you mean you EAT at the MOVIES?!?!" Meanwhile, the spender sees the saver load up on water at a fountain past the security checkpoint at an airport and is equally impressed.

The difference in habits is part of what attracts us at first, but it also comes back to cause some of the biggest problems later. As she explained, when people ask you about getting serious with your partner, they ask if you're physically, mentally, and spiritually attracted to them, but nobody asks you if you're financially compatible.

To which I say, Manisha, where the heck were you five years ago?!

Her big take-away wasn’t that you should be afraid to be with the spender if you’re the saver or vice versa, or that you should try to change their ways (because you won’t), but rather that you should know and acknowledge this from the start so you can negotiate your spending and saving habits throughout your relationship.

I know I’ll be applying her wisdom in my own life – it’s never too late to start!

Dearly Beloved,

People always like to break the world up into binary groups, and I usually resist that, because I too-frequently end up on the fence between the two sides. For instance, in keeping with last week's Friday Forum, one might say there are two kinds of (single) people in the world: Those who want to get married, and those who don't.

Ummmm.....Fence, party of one?

I will say, however, that I've decided there are two kinds of weddings: Those that make me feel lonely and those that make me believe in love. I've been to a couple of weddings recently, and I consistently find myself turning all girlish and teary at the sight of a bride walking down the aisle. Gets me every time. Now, I can honestly say that I've never felt pressure to partner up and settle down--not from my family nor my friends, and not even from within myself--but sometimes I get a little nagging feeling like...is it ever going to happen for me?

Ninety-nine times out of a hundred, this little feeling is matter-of-fact, not a source of distress. I figure, I'm enjoying my life and I have time. I'm lucky enough to live in a community where it's not unusual to find unmarried women of my age. I have friends, and I'm learning things about myself, and I negotiate the world enough to feel that I have options. So I count myself lucky. But when I'm sitting in the pew watching a great couple exchange vows, I think that it must be amazing to know that you will be side by side and hand in hand with someone forever.

Yes, I'm a romantic at heart. So how do you explain what happens next? I blot tears from my eyes, and by the time dinner is served and the music is pumping and I'm rocking around the dance floor with all our mutual friends, I've forgotten I even have tissues in my purse. And I tend to avoid vying for the bouquet.

Like a Fish Needs a Bicycle

CHICKS ROCK! is happy to have Kristina back as a guest blogger this week.

Kristina Leonardi is the founder of The Women’s Mosaic. She is a career/life path consultant, speaker, seminar leader and expert in the areas of women, diversity and personal growth.


John and Abigail Adams. King Hussein and Queen Noor. Bill and Melinda Gates. Barack and Michelle Obama. These are just some couples who appear to have a great partnership as well as romance and passion in their marriages.

Back in the day (and in some parts in the world still) especially for women, being hitched was linked to survival or a business transaction between families. In 2010, where we can now lead successful independent lives, where does that leave us with the whole question of saying "I do"? (For an interesting musing on the subject check out Liz Gilbert's recent book, Committed.)

The 'fruits of feminism' have at times confused us all. As I recently heard in a lecture by sociologist and masculinity expert Michael Kimmel, if a woman is captain of the ice hockey team and top of her class at Yale, the guys subconsciously think, what the heck does she need me for?

Whether a woman or a man we all have needs, and then things we think are needs. You may not need another person to take care of you physically, emotionally, financially and/or spiritually, but everyone wants someone to love and to be loved in return, whether you're woman, man or even a fish. We look for partners, friends, lovers, intimacy. And that has nothing to do with what gender you are, era you were born in or who the object of your affection may be - it is a timeless, eternal and basic human instinct.

But before you tie the knot with another (or at any point throughout your nuptial bliss or blitz) I always recommend marrying yourself first- whatever that means to you. Because if you don't promise to love, honor and cherish yourself, then why would anyone else?

Can't quite make it to the altar with yourself or your beloved? I'm no Dr. Ruth, Millionaire Matchmaker or internet-ordained minister, but I can serve as 'justice of the peace' and help you discover that first comes self-love, then comes some form of marriage, then comes whatever it is you desire, even if it is just a cabbage.