Carte Blanche

  

The following was originally posted on December 5, 2014 on Kristina's blog.

CHICKS ROCK! is happy to have Kristina back as a guest blogger this week. Kristina Leonardi is the founder of The Women’s Mosaic. She is a coach and speaker in the areas of career development, work/life wellness and personal growth.  

You can follow her @clearlykristina and like her Personal Growth Gab (PGG) page on Facebook to get more thought-provoking, inspirational and motivational tidbits like this!

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When traveling by myself in Cape Town, South Africa in 2001, just seven years after the end of apartheid, I had a major aha moment while having tea in the lobby of the historic, old-world luxury Mount Nelson Hotel.

Feeling somewhat awkward in my solo budget travel state, I was in the midst of sipping Earl Grey when something clicked within me on the most profound of levels. It occurred to me that due to the mere fact my skin was white - with the bonus of having blonde hair at the time - I was essentially given free rein to go wherever I desired and do whatever I wanted, and no one would ever question me, look at me strangely, or think I didn't belong. 

 

Yes, I was in one of the most segregated countries on the planet, but it really struck me that this applied in a broader context - no matter where I go, simply because of the color of my skin, along with being tall and dressing reasonably well, in addition to being educated and American, I enjoy a certain level of trust, respect (well, this was just before 9/11) and service, and almost always inadvertently avoid outright discrimination and bodily harm, even as a woman (which itself is topic for another discussion, since that is only a very recent phenomena and may apply to less places, but I digress...).

 

Suddenly the phrase "carte blanche," which literally translates as "white card," came into my head and I immediately made the connection to the District Six Museum's display of various ID cards for citizens under that classified system:  White, Coloured, Black, and Indian.  In the United States, and in a global sense, it is an invisible card I carry that gives me entree, ease and yes, a certain unearned privilege, to live a life free of so many stresses, layers of misperceptions, institutionalized prejudice, fear, bias and/or hatred the majority of those of darker shades must endure, and are too often endangered by.

 

I realize in telling you this story I may sound naive, but you have to know this came at a time to someone who from childhood in theory, and more than ten years prior to that moment in practice, was not only quite aware of, but particularly passionate about, the issue of racial inequality and had many interpersonal experiences, observations and relationships informing a significant understanding of the complexities all that entails - earlier that year I had even started a non-profit organization to dispel stereotypes and bigotry in order to bring women together to "Recognize Our Unity" and "Celebrate Our Diversity". 

But being in a place where racism had so recently been explicitly acknowledged and addressed in such a direct manner brought this concept home to me in a way that up until that point in my life, because I am White, had only been subtly perceptible, and even then, only because I was sensitive to the issue.


A couple of years later while waiting in the cold for an MTA bus on First Avenue in the East Village I got to experience this overtness in reverse. Two Black women chose to ditch the delayed public transportation, and I watched in disbelief as two, three, five, six open taxis passed by as they tried to hail them; disgusted, I asked if they needed help, and of course the next cab stopped for me but when the driver realized the Black women, not me, were getting in, he drove away.  Finally I asked where they were going; I was so appalled I decided I would just get in and share it with them. Of course the irony was that they were only going to 78th between First and Second, probably one of the whitest blocks in the city...It was perhaps the closest I will come to know what it must feel like to deal with race on a daily basis, simply trying to accomplish the most mundane of tasks.


Fast forward to February 2012. After my talk at the NY Science, Industry and Business Library a young Black man came up to thank me for what I had shared, how it made him think differently about his life, and pointed out to me what he had written down so he could make positive change going forward. He then said he had recently been released from federal prison, would I be willing to work with people like him?  Well, this began a journey in which I learned more specifically about the consequences of race and the criminal justice system, the roots of mass incarceration and the many barriers to re-entry. It has since widened and deepened my understanding of the unhealed wounds, scars and repercussions of our country's history of slavery.


What we are dealing with in the aftermath of injustice after injustice against people of color are symptoms of a very sick system that is made up of people, and people are crying out for transformation and healing. It is not a Black problem; it is not a White problem. It is a human problem. No matter what card-carrying member of our race you proclaim (or are deemed) to be, we're all in this man-made mess together - and we will only solve it one story, one interaction, one aha moment at a time.  

  

Why I'm Feeling Lighter (And, Apparently, Looking Younger)

It seems to me that one of the hardest things to do is to be fully, confidently, unapologetically authentic in every area of your life. I have grappled with the question of who I am and how I express that to others my entire life. I spent most of that time holding back: not letting myself be too loud, too confident, too emotional, too honest, too whatever. I also didn't spend my time or money or energy in ways that inspired and fueled me; it didn't occur to me until a couple of years ago that how you spend your time and your money is how you spend your life.

Since then - and especially in the last few months - I have started to let that go. And, boy, do I feel lighter!

Instead of constantly wondering what the other person is thinking or how they'll react, I just speak my truth. And since I make a conscious effort to spend my time, money, and energy on what I feel is an expression of my authenticity instead of on what makes me feel "meh" or drained, I'm happier, calmer, and more centered. Whether it's a dance break, a manicure, or prioritizing a doctor's appointment, I fill my life as much as I can with what's true to me.

Just a couple of weeks ago, a friend I hadn't seen in a couple of months asked me what I was doing that had me looking so young and vibrant. I was so surprised, I didn't know what to say. "Um... I'm happier???"

Since experiencing this change in myself and in some of the women I know, I've become passionate with helping others reconnect with their authenticity and show up as all of who they are. I talk to so many women whose lives are compartmentalized, or who get blocked by fear and memories from the past when they try to express themselves.

I teamed up with a few friends who are also passionate about authentic expression to put together an all-day workshop/dance party. It's this Saturday in Brooklyn and I'm so excited, I could burst! It's going to be an inspiring, empowering, magical event. If you know you're ready to rediscover and celebrate your authenticity, join me!

When Familiarity Breeds Contempt

“I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.” 
― Maya Angelou

Recently, I have been wondering about a certain pitfall of human nature that occurs within families, friendships, marriages, and other close relationships; it is when people (who should know better) turn against those close to them when they did nothing to deserve it. Since last month, someone very close to me has been a target of this type of unfair treatment, even after repeatedly telling and showing the "offended" party that she was not against them and wanted to keep the peace. I would have ignored it if it happened once or even twice, but she was barraged with accusations, which increased my annoyance with the situation. It all had to do with a much anticipated visit from a relative from overseas, how the news was shared with certain people and not others, and where he wanted to stay when he was here. This caused some unfortunate, long-standing family tensions to come forth. While I know he had a good visit, I also know he definitely would have enjoyed his time here much more without all of the unnecessary drama.

I have learned to deal with this treatment when the target is me; the last time it happened was late last year, when I overheard a conversation in which I was mentioned in dismissive and cruel terms. I was shocked at first, because I had just seen and had a pleasant time with this person, who I have known and loved for almost my whole life. After thinking about it for a little while, I realized that no matter how much I have and will always love and care for this person, she has always had an underlying feeling of contempt towards me, maybe because I remind her of a past she wants to forget. I may never really know why. Soon after the incident, I moved on, because I knew it had nothing to do with me; it had to with her feelings and perceptions. Our relationship may never be the same again, but at least I can say I have forgiven her; I will never forget it, because I learned some invaluable lessons from the experience.

I have observed that these conflicts often originate from the accusers' personal insecurities and skewed perceptions. Secure people don't have to attack those who did nothing to them. Fear of losing control, fear of the past or unknown, and/or maybe even envy or jealousy, can create major havoc in relationships. When I see people creating these negative dramas for themselves and others, I want to shake them and say, "Stop it! Life is too short for this nonsense!" But for those who act in these ways, trying to reason with them while they are in an unreasonable state will not work. The best thing to do is to take a step back, and refuse to engage in argumentative behavior that will not solve anything. When confronted, the best thing to do is to stand your ground, tell the truth, be diplomatic, and then walk away from the confrontation if nothing is working. Hopefully the accusers will calm down, stop hurling accusations, and maybe even apologize for their behavior. Maybe.

I may annoy and even anger some people I know with this post, but I think it is a subject worth talking about, and I wrote the truth. I know I can't be the only one who has experienced this kind of treatment, both directly and indirectly. The moral to this post is that even when you mean well and treat others with respect and kindness, there will always be someone who will take offense to those who don't offend for a variety of "reasons." Staying true to who you are is the best defense.

If you have any thoughts, please share them!

Dealing With The Extreme Cold

While dealing with another bout of frigid weather this month, I am even more determined not to let it affect my mood. I became a little paranoid a week before Christmas, when I fell on a patch of ice and sprained my arm. While I am relieved that the injury was only minor, I still feel anxious whenever I go outside to deal with the icy walking and driving conditions. Like so many of you, the heavy winds, shorter days, and less sunlight makes me wish I could hibernate all winter long. Since that is not practical or healthy, I have found other ways to prevent the cold from making me physically and emotionally immobile.

1. I make sure to get outside during the day, even if it is for a few minutes at a time. If I don't make it outside when the sun is shining, I feel lethargic. When the sunshine is obscured by clouds or fog throughout the day, then the next step is essential for me to combat sluggishness.

2. Everyone knows exercise is key for overall health. I try to run up and down stairs or do jumping jacks if I don't have a chance to do a proper work out, and it can be for 5-10 minutes several times a day. I find that it is helpful when I am working in front of my laptop for long periods of time. No fancy exercise equipment required!

3. Doing something new at least once a week is very important to me too. It doesn't have to be expensive, time consuming, or anything too elaborate; as long as I gain a new experience, it's completely worth it. I recently attended a free cooking competition between two top chefs, which I had never done before. I have also visited previously unseen parks, window-shopped at new stores, and seen unique movies and musical performances I find online that seem interesting. I just like how new stimuli keeps me interested in the outside world, even when the weather can be a big obstacle.

What do you do to combat the winter cold?

Ahead of the Curve

CHICKS ROCK! is happy to welcome back Giovanna as a guest blogger:

Giovanna lives in New York City. Through her work experiences and
most recently through her studies, she has developed a passion for the
dynamic of work, the psychology behind it.

The best professional advice I ever received is to always keep learning. Make it your business to stay on top of current trends and anticipate those to come. I previously wrote an article for my blog with tips to stay ahead of the curve in your career, but with time, I realized this is not just something that can be applied to work but also to life.

Everyone should strive for personal development. Here are some ways to stay at the forefront:

1. Know yourself
The words ‘Know Thyself’ first appeared at the Temple of Apollo at Delphi in ancient Greece. The phrase is often interpreted to mean that in order to understand the world, we must first understand ourselves. The idea seems simple enough: who knows me better than me, right? However, the harsh reality is that people struggle with self-awareness every day.

Research shows that many lack understanding of their own behaviors, feelings, and thoughts. As a result, they fall into a pattern of poor decision-making, creating a negative reflection of self. Researchers urge us to be mindful of our behaviors and thoughts. Becoming aware of who you are, how you present yourself to others, and where you stand in relation to your environment can do wonders for your overall wellbeing.

2. Move with the times
Sorry to be the one to break it to you, but the world is changing. Society is different now than it was even one year ago. There have been great strides in the arts, sciences, and technology. Some of our previous beliefs are now outdated and new attitudes have taken their place.

Do not cling to old-fashioned views that can infringe on your personal growth. We often become stuck on who we think we are and close ourselves off to new perspectives. Allow new lessons and experiences to evolve the way you think about things.

3. Challenge yourself
There may come a time when your regular day-to-day will become mundane. The things that used to drive you will no longer challenge you. It is then up to you to create new challenges.

Pay attention to resources around you. You will likely find a plethora of exciting things just waiting to be explored. Procure new goals for yourself, learn new skills, try new things, talk to interesting people, attend trainings, meetings, fairs, cultural events, etc. Keep yourself abreast of what’s going on in the world. Never for one second quit learning.

Salary Negotiations and Self Confidence

I recently learned the importance of negotiation, especially when it comes to salary. When I received a job offer letter from a small company offering a part-time position that will become full-time after a month, it looked good to me at first. Then, my eyes scanned down to the hourly rate listed, and I knew I had to start negotiating. While I understand that most companies of all sizes have had to downsize due to the lingering consequences of the recession, I knew immediately that I could not accept the offer as is.


From all that I have read and know from firsthand knowledge about salary negotiations, I am aware that many job seekers won't even attempt to start the process, which should happen right after an offer is made by a potential employer. Sometimes those who have been looking for employment for an extended period of time may be prone to jump on the first opportunity to come their way. I have different circumstances; I work as a consultant for several companies, and while I am open to a full-time position, it has to be something that will justify me giving up (or cutting down) on my other work projects. The position I was recently offered did not convince me to make any changes, because they are only willing to go up $1 an hour, and they are not offering any benefits.


My advice to anyone in this situation is to always see if there is any "wiggle room" in a job offer. If an increase in salary is not possible or not as high as you would like it to be, then a prospective employer may be open to other options, such as offering public transportation reimbursement, parking fees or a health insurance plan with varying levels of coverage. When I was negotiating my salary, I calculated how much my daily travel expenses to and from the location would be, and the result is one of the reasons why I decided not to accept the position.


I knew that if I accepted their terms with no hesitations, I would not be able to respect myself. I also think my would-be employer would have continued to undervalue me, knowing that I am willing to work for so little from the very beginning. Ultimately, I walked away from negotiations with my head held high, knowing that I made the right decision. Thankfully, I handled myself well enough that they are considering me for a per diem position, which I can definitely live with.


Do you have any salary negotiation stories to share?

When Everything Goes Wrong

This morning, I woke up and had a plan for the day: write a blog post about starting my business, make a couple of phone calls, have a session with a client, work on a website I'm helping a friend with, and reach out to a few more people about my upcoming program.

Then everything went wrong.

 First, my cell service was cut off, for reasons that belong in a whole other blog post. As I scrambled to reschedule my calls, I noticed a message about a problem with my student loan payment. I spent 30 minutes on the phone (via Skype) before the call was dropped and I had to start the process all over again. The issue was only sort of resolved an additional 20 minutes later.

Sometime during that call, I noticed that my laptop charger had stopped working. Yesterday, a cat nibbled on the cord and bit into it; it worked this morning after jiggling it a bit but hasn't worked since. By this point, there was not much battery left on my laptop, my phone still wasn't working, and I realized my goals for the day were taking a detour. It was only 10:30am.

When I'm stressed out, I clean, so I set off to do just that. I noticed a weird smell and found three piles of rotting fruit covered in maggots and completely freaked out. I hate bananas, anything rotten or moldy, and tiny bugs... this could not have been more of a nightmare situation for me. This is when I almost gave up and went back to bed, because it wasn't even my mess -- I'm staying at somebody else's place.

But I forced myself to do something to feel like I could get a handle on things.

I wrapped a scarf around my face, got out all the plastic bags and cleaning supplies I could find, and rid the place of all the fruit and maggots. Then I took a break from everything and drank hot water with lemon and honey. I cleaned some more, organized my bags, ate, and had a generally productive day despite not being able to do the things I planned to do. I'm now at a friend's place charging my laptop, writing this on my phone, which is finally back on.

This is partially a chance to vent but mostly, I'm proud of myself for getting through the day instead of quitting. It was also important to me to actually cross something off my to do list, woohoo! Blog post done!

Maybe next week I'll write about my business but I do want to let everyone know about my online course, Launch Your Website in 4 Weeks; check it out and sign up if you've been wanting to start or revamp a website! Now I'm off to watch a friend do some improv and laugh the stressful day away.

From Hate to Happiness

This is an edited version of a post that originally appeared on my personal blog:

An observation: It's been so long since I did work I actually enjoy doing that I forgot 1) how wonderful it feels, and 2) that it's possible to work for long periods of time without needing distractions.

Starting Tuesday afternoon, I worked almost non-stop on a new project until Wednesday at midnight. In that time, I took three breaks: a 3-hour nap, a walk in the gorgeous, sunny, 75-degree weather in Paris, and a picnic dinner along the Seine with friends. And while I was tired by the end and welcomed sleep once I got to bed, for most of that time, I was so energized and excited that I kept working because I didn't want to do anything else. I was, dare I say it, HAPPY. Imagine that!

I used to love working. Even if I didn't love the job or the people or office politics or maybe just wasn't feeling it that day, working made me happy. I was a workaholic because it was a chance to constantly challenge myself, learn something new, and do the things I enjoyed, even if only for a few hours a week. In the last year, I started not only hating work but hating myself. I knew something was wrong long before I got the nerve to fix it but even then, I didn't fully appreciate how much I had changed until now.

my new, balanced schedule - took me two hours to create & it was FUN! I even danced!

I remember now why I've never believed that everyone is miserable at work, because they don't have to be! It is perfectly possible to live your life not hating work! That doesn't mean you love it all the time or maybe even most of the time (ebb and flow and all that jazz) but you certainly shouldn't hate it.

So if you do hate it, hopefully you'll take the risk, get out of there, and get back on track. Or at least find a way to add more of what you love to a situation you hate as a tentative step. Even with how stressful things have been for me these last few months -- and these last two weeks in particular -- I feel so much lighter and calmer and happier than I did all of last year. I feel like a totally different person.

Here's hoping you aren't in a miserable situation (fingers crossed), but that you find the courage to take yourself out if you are.

Reality Check

This is an edited version of a post that originally appeared on my personal blog:


This post is not a reality check for me, instead it's for all the people who have an incredibly warped idea of my life in Paris. I'm starting to get really sick of people commenting on me living the "nice" life or "luxurious" life in Paris, and even the people who say, "must be nice to up and move to Paris."

For starters, my life is in no way "luxurious" and even "nice" is a bit of a stretch. It's comfortable, sure, just as it is in NYC. At least, as comfortable as it can be for a person who spent the first half worried about a place to stay and will spend the second half worried about money. Yes, I indulged in some things I've always wanted to do, like a bread-making class, but I often eat nothing but a demi baguette and pre-packaged pasta from Monoprix all day because it only costs me 3 euros. I'm not dining at fancy restaurants. I avoid museums and attractions I have to pay for. I skip more meals than I'm comfortable admitting to my best friends. Trust me, life is not luxurious.

Now, as to the question of how I got to Paris in the first place. I freelanced a lot last year, which allowed me to save a good chunk of money. Almost half of that money was supposed to go to paying taxes, which I will now have to file an extension for and pay interest on because that money is long gone. I had no choice but to do that because I'm jobless and not eligible for unemployment.

Don't get me wrong, this isn't a pity parade. I've chosen this. It was my decision to quit my job, a job that was turning me into somebody I didn't recognize. I decided I would rather be broke in Paris and know that I gave it a try than be miserable in NYC, wondering "what if?" And of course there's the fact that I'm single and childless, so I don't have to consider anybody else when I make decisions like this.

I'm just tired of the looks and comments and general misunderstanding of what my life is like here. Every time somebody says something like, "can I have your life?" I want to answer "of course you can! Save up some money, quit your job, book a ticket." It's as easy as that. I didn't have a place lined up before getting here. My only "friend" was a person I had met exactly three times. I had no plan whatsoever and spent the first two months incapable of thinking past the end of the next week (a habit which will continue, I'm sure). I've made it this far by luck and not caring.

And since I'm being completely open at this point, I'll admit that I have no idea what's next, so there's also that. I've blown through my savings and am totally winging it. I have just enough money to pay rent and credit card bills through the end of my trip and that is it. I now have to think of creative ways to eat and live for the next two months. I also have to figure out how to pay rent and credit card bills once I'm back in New York because I don't have money for that either. Hell, I don't even have money to get back to New York but I'm lucky enough to have a friend who can lend me some until I figure it out. (Now, that's a luxury.)

That's your reality check for the day, folks. Basically save some money and have faith that it'll all work out beyond that. There's your key to living my life. If you choose to follow in my footsteps, let me know and HAVE FUN!

Hello 2013!

Happy New Year to all of you who have checked in with CHICKS ROCK! since its launch in 2008! I will speak for my fellow bloggers as well as myself by expressing my hope that you all had a happy holiday season.

I don't know about any of you, but I was deeply shaken by many events that took place in 2012. The horrific shooting in Newtown, Connecticut, the brutal rape and death of a young woman in Delhi that received international attention, and the repercussions of Hurricane Sandy in the Northeastern U.S. affected me for a variety of reasons, but particularly because I have personal knowledge of the places involved. I know that those who have suffered and continue to do so are no better or worse than I am, and that I am not immune to their horrors. Instead of becoming deeply paranoid, I am focusing even more on the simple pleasures of daily life, while remaining humble and sympathetic to those far and near who are going through difficult times. It is one of my many New Year's resolutions to maintain this balance, because it is too easy to get too self-involved or to become obsessed with everyone else's issues while avoiding your own.

I am looking forward to the year ahead, and hope that there will be more progress rather than setbacks in my own life, as well as in the world around me.

What are your expectations for 2013?

Shake Your Groove Thing

The following was originally posted on November 28, 2012 on Kristina's blog.

CHICKS ROCK! is happy to have Kristina back as a guest blogger this week.
Kristina Leonardi is the founder of The Women’s Mosaic. She is a career/life coach, speaker, seminar leader and expert in the areas of career development, work/life wellness and personal growth

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Do you have the discipline to be a free spirit? ~ Gabrielle Roth

 In the movie Silver Linings Playbook, the main characters Pat and Tiffany are in training for a big dance competition that turns out to be much more than a fancy booty shaking contest.  A unique romantic dramedy, it’s a film that shows there is a fine line between sanity and insanity, acceptable versus unacceptable behavior, and the beauty of living life to the beat of your own drum.

In the movie The Sessions, Mark O’Brien is confined to an iron lung 20 hours a day, existing on a gurney unable to move from the neck down, and yet he writes poetry, is a professional journalist and decides to hire a sex surrogate so he can experience the most human of experiences. We go along on his journey (based on a true story!) and find him to be one of the most alive, loving and liberated individuals to have ever lived despite such extreme physical limitations.

And as seen in the movie Lincoln, our 16th president is clearly not your Average Joe.  He was always thinking out of the box, used his quirky sense of humor to diffuse or illuminate situations, and took numerous risks throughout the most heart-wrenching circumstances our country has endured.  He stretched the Constitution to its limit, working within an established framework while implementing his own interpretation and/or bending the rules based on his hard-earned wisdom, keen observations and superior judgement as unprecedented needs arose and critical decisions had to be made in order for progress to occur.

In the conscious movement class I take, we are told to  ‘dance it your way’ and have breaks of  ‘free dance’  where we boogie as we see fit; it’s not chaotic because there is an organized structure and unity contained within the flow as we come back together intermittently as a group throughout the hour.  It’s a super-small class because for many people, when given the opportunity to move and think for themselves, even for just a few moments, is a daunting and uncomfortable feeling; it’s an empowering exercise that requires more effort and less inhibition, and many simply don’t know what to do if they are not following the instructor. And that, my friends, is indicative of a larger problem with implications reaching much farther than a gym studio.

Spielberg’s Lincoln asks, “Do you think we choose to be born? Or are we fitted to the times we’re born into?”  As citizens of the 21st century, we are certainly living in extraordinary times that will require us to become the fullest and most unique beings we are meant to be.  We each have something that needs to be expressed, something that no other person on this planet, no one who has come before or will come after can express. Right now we need new ways of looking at old problems and to change old ways in order deal with new problems, so it’s more important than ever for you to do your own thang, because there is no other way to generate inspiration and birth innovation.

In any era it’s easy to get stuck in past habits and sucked into the zeitgeist of the day.  Resist the urge to follow the herd, fight to honor yourself, think and speak your own thoughts and begin to know and create yourself anew every moment of every day instead of getting swept up by social media, news, commercials, and even your peer groups, work and ethnic cultures or family and friends who are all, consciously or not, forces that can easily grab hold of your mind, body, spirit and/or bank account.  Don’t let your physical characteristics, family roots or societal dictates squash all the rhythms inside you that might be quite different from what those outside influences might have you believe, say or do.

Not sure exactly what your groove thing is? Give me a buzz and I’ll get you started with some basic choreography and point you in the right direction, because ultimately You Should Be Dancing your own steps throughout life, hopefully with a fun disco floor beneath your feet along the way!

P.S. For related thoughts on this topic, check out my posts:  Lucky Charms, A Fool’s Errand and New Rules.

Forgive But Never Forget

Since childhood, I have heard how important it is to forgive and forget, but like most people I do have a problem with following through with it. I am an easy going person, which often gives the impression that I can be taken advantage of, but I am also very observant and have a long memory, and will defend myself when someone tries to cross the line with me. I can forgive those transgressions, even if the other person is unapologetic. I do this by not holding a grudge and just having better manners overall. The forgetting part is something I do not think is necessary or right. Why should I forget the situation if it has taught me a valuable lesson? Forgetting makes it possible for the transgressed to be wronged many more times in the future.

I think this particularly true in abusive relationships; forgiving abusive behavior has to be reciprocated by the permanent end of that behavior through whatever means necessary. I have family and friends who have told me they forgave a significant other or family member for their mental and/or physical abuse, but it almost always re-occurs, and often worse than it was before. As a child and teenager I was often the target of bullies, both in my own family and at school, and have never forgotten what I went through. I believe that is the reason why I am not subject to that behavior as an adult, which I am grateful for. I convey this message to those who are still being victimized; my advice is usually not taken, but I feel good knowing that I have shared my feelings about these particular situations.

What your thoughts on forgiveness? Do you think forgetting the situation is key to the process of letting go?

Oh Sandy

As everyone knows, New York has just been through a terrible storm that has brought the city to a stand-still. It didn't affect any of us the same way but it has certainly affected all of us. My Brooklyn neighborhood was practically untouched, as was the upper Manhattan neighborhood I holed up in just hours before the storm, but I know a lot of people who weren't as lucky. Power outages, flooded homes, trees knocked down everywhere; these are the things my friends and family have been reporting back when I check in on them. So even if you're one of the lucky ones, chances are that you're close to somebody who wasn't nearly as lucky.

It's incredible how the city changes during an emergency. There are the people complaining about inconveniences like the MTA shutting down; you have stores closing everywhere for days; and of course people are scrambling to get home or to figure out who they like enough to spend 48+ hours with. Everything is eerily calm and quiet. Once it's all over, you're happy to see your favorite bagel shop is open again, while the wine store across the street promises they'll be up and running by mid-afternoon. But then you find out that churches are calling people's homes to check in on all of them... and they aren't hearing from everyone.

As emergencies and disasters often do, this storm reminds us that we need to stick together in order to get through terrible circumstances. If there's any silver lining at all, it's learning that people will empathize and help whenever and however they can.

Careful Correspondence

I was recently involved in a confusing situation at work, which involved an email I sent to provide guidance being misunderstood and causing the recipient to take offense. While that was not my intention, I can see why the tone of my correspondence was misconstrued. My company stood behind me, while at the same time suggesting I be more aware of my tone in my emails. I agree that this is something that I must do (as do most of us), especially since most of our interpersonal interactions happen via email, text, and social media. I decided to analyze my actions further so I do not make the same mistakes in the future.

First, I think understanding where the other person/party is coming from before getting into specific details is important. I only had one conversation with my now former client and his wife, and noticed the latter was much more talkative. I also discovered that they had different goals in mind than those provided by their company. This particular point should have made me contact my supervisor directly to alert her of this discrepancy immediately. While I did report the issue, I did not emphasize its seriousness to my company. While I am glad not to have brought it up during my conversation with the couple, I should have paused to clear up the confusion immediately with my company before moving forward.

I also wish I contacted my supervisor about an email she sent me to forward to the client about a sensitive matter. Because I went ahead and sent the email without realizing how it may be interpreted, I put myself in an awkward situation. I believe I should not have been given the task, because it was an issue to be settled between my company's and my client’s companies’ managerial and human resources departments. I will remember this in the future should a similar situation arise.

I am glad the situation is over, but others always arise to present new challenges. How do you handle the challenges of maintaining careful correspondence?

Renovations And Revelations

Since last month, I have been working with a contractor who is finishing renovations on an apartment in New York City that my family owns. It was something I did not expect to take the lead on, but I have enjoyed the process overall. There was some stress when it came to deadlines on choosing a bathroom vanity and light fixtures for the bathroom and kitchen by certain dates, but I have enjoyed imagining what the completed apartment will look like when everything is done. Before the renovations began, the apartment had a leaky faucet, dark walls that made the space feel smaller than it is, and an uncomfortably small kitchen. Now the plumbing has been completely re-done, the walls are a sunny yellow color, and the kitchen is part of an open floor plan that flows into the living room. It is a great space now, and I am glad to have contributed to making it that way.

While I am planning to live there, it will not be forever; every choice I made is in mind to increase the value of the apartment if it has to be sold in the near future, which is likely. I followed a budget, which was the hardest thing to do when prices of certain items were higher than I wanted them to be. Thankfully, the contractor I worked with guided me in the right direction by providing various options and price points on things like kitchen countertops, appliances, and refurbishing the bathtub instead of replacing it. I am grateful that he did his job so well AND educated me about what to pay attention to during the renovations.

The refrigerator has yet to be delivered, and there a few final details that need to be completed, but I can safely say the bulk of the work is done. I look forward to enjoying the apartment while I still have it, and will look forward to renovations’ projects that come my way in the future.

Do renovations’ projects put you off, or do you welcome the challenges they bring?

Another Year, Another Apartment

I write this sick, exhausted, and having spent the weekend having a terrible moving experience. My new place is lovely but the gas isn't on, the tub doesn't drain or have hot water, the internet isn't set up yet, and I only just now got a real set of keys.

How's your October going so far?
  
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Divorce And Taking Sides

My parents are finally getting a divorce, and now that the proceedings have started and it is public knowledge, the reactions from family and friends have shown me who really cares about us and who does not. These revelations have made me stronger, and I feel liberated knowing the truth. For one thing, I am reminded that the ones who are truly there for my family and me are not always those who are related to us by blood.

The paternal side of my family continues to shun my mother, my siblings, and me by saying nothing at all. It is so true that silence speaks volumes, and in this case, it is not a surprise to me. My aunts and uncles from this particular branch of my family have never really approved of us, because we did not attend their church and subscribe to their particular view of the world. Ultimately, I will never feel bad about this because I have always been polite to them and loving to their children, as are my mother, brother and sister. The maternal side of my family has been mostly positive and kind to us, even though divorce is taboo in my parents’ culture as a whole. I do not resent the side of my family that turned their backs on us, because I know we did nothing to deserve it. I will always care about my cousins regardless of their parents’ feelings and attitudes, and know I have at least one aunt from my paternal branch who is sympathetic to my mother's difficult situation to some degree.

My friends have been very supportive, even those who come from cultures, religious backgrounds, and family structures that look down on divorce. They continue to show my family and me unconditional support and good will, and know when to dish out the constructive criticism I need if I find myself regressing rather than progressing in my life. I feel lucky, because I know there are too many people in the world who do not have enough emotional support during the most difficult periods in their lives, and feel isolated and in despair as a result.

Have you been shocked when family and/or friends shunned you during the worst times in your life? If so, how did you handle the situation?

What We Remember

I opened Facebook today and at least half of my news feed started with "11 years ago today..." Almost all of those status updates are from people who were in college or school in New York 11 years ago today. There are also a handful of simple "I'll never forget" status updates, mostly from people who weren't here at the time. It may be a fluke limited to my Facebook friends, but it made me wonder what the difference is between our experiences.

I imagine that the "never forget" refrain is a given for those of us who were in New York when it happened and are still here now, because there is no way to forget. We remember it all the time: when we're in the Financial District or anywhere nearby, when we're in any part of the city with a clear view of the Freedom Tower, when we talk about the origin of the Tribeca Film Festival or the River to River Festival or a similar event...

But today, we remember the specifics.

Those "11 years ago today..." statuses talk about what class or period they were in when it happened or, for those who are older, what part of their commute they were on or what meeting they were getting ready for. Our memories are full of disruption, feeling disconnected, and a whole lot of waiting. Schools were on lockdown and you had to be signed out by a parent but it was hard to get in touch with your parents and all you could do was wait. If you made it out of school and weren't within walking distance, you were in for an incredibly long commute home as you noticed the rest of the city was also at a standstill... more waiting.

We remember relief when a classmate got through to his sister and found out she hadn't made it to the office yet. We remember the west wing of the cafeteria being closed off but still being able to see the smoke in the air. We remember our commute the next day and the gaping hole in the skyline. We remember how quiet and empty everything was the next day.

It's not that this day means more to us but the more time that passes, the more I notice that it definitely means something different. At some point today, when we close our eyes, we'll see or hear or smell something in this city so vividly that we'll feel 11 years ago is today. "Never forget" seems a waste of words after that.

Battling The September Blues

Every year after Labor Day weekend, I usually feel somewhat let down. Summer is unofficially over, and soon the days will be shorter and colder. The school traffic across the street from my mother’s house takes over the area between 8:00 AM to 9:00 AM and 2:00 PM to 3:30 PM, with unscrupulous drivers double parking and blocking driveways during these times. This shift from summer to fall is the most uncomfortable for me, but I do find different coping mechanisms that help me make the transition easier.

First, I always try to make time outdoors. The problem I face sometimes is when I go to work in the morning and leave in the late afternoon/evening hours, when the sun is set or on its way to setting for the day. This dampens my mood, as I am sure it does for others. So I always try to spend a little time outdoors, whether it means leaving earlier, or getting off the bus, train or subway a stop or two before my intended destination so I can take in a little sun on good weather days.

Exercise really does help get me going too. When I do exercise, I always feel elated for the rest of the day. It must be the endorphins that are released during physical activity, which I find generate positive feelings within me. I freely admit that making exercise a part of my daily routine is challenging, but when I do it really boosts my physical and emotional health.

Finally, I think my eating habits also help me deal with the change of seasons in a much more productive way. I find that buying local and seasonal produce more often assists me in getting used to the changes in the days and the weather from summer to fall. For example, if I find apples from Chile versus apples from Northeastern U.S., I will always choose those from the latter category.

How do you deal with the change in seasons?

Looking Back At High School*

This piece was originally posted on February 15, 2012. It is being re-posted as part of our CHICKS ROCK! Summer Retrospective, during which we will post a combination of new content and posts from the past. Enjoy!

I just received notification from the high school I graduated from regarding an alumni publication, requesting information and photos of me to include in it. I usually ignore most mail I get from the school, but I actually thought of calling the phone number provided and telling them to remove any mention of me. Why? Because my high school experience was not a good one, and it did not help that my parents paid good money for me to attend the institution. My elementary and middle school experiences were far worse than those I had in high school, but I did expect more from the latter, especially since my tuition increased every year while the quality of my education decreased. Most of my teachers were mediocre at best, with the exception of one who made me look forward to college.

The harsh treatment of the school administration towards my class during our senior year was what made me decide to never have anything to do with the school after graduation. The principal at the time decided to punish us for the bad behavior of the previous senior class, which led to deep resentments; it was as if a black cloud loomed over us until we graduated. I even remember that many people did not go to prom that year, and I was one of them.

Because my academic experiences before my undergraduate education were sorely lacking, I appreciate good teachers and school administrators even more, whether they are found in public and private schools. I started loving education when I went to college, because I met more educators who knew how to teach, and took classes that were both difficult and interesting at the same time. I really felt like a butterfly that had been a caterpillar for far too long before then.

I may just ignore the notification from my former high school in protest of the bad education I received from them. Perhaps that is best.