Paradigm Shift NYC Presents “No Excuses: 9 Ways Women Can Change How We Think About Power” with Gloria Feldt, Feminist Icon

TWM is proud to be a Co-Sponsor of this Women's History Month event and honored that our founder, Kristina Leonardi will be one of the panelists.  Hope to see you on March 19th! 

Click here for more information and place to register.

When Familiarity Breeds Contempt

“I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.” 
― Maya Angelou

Recently, I have been wondering about a certain pitfall of human nature that occurs within families, friendships, marriages, and other close relationships; it is when people (who should know better) turn against those close to them when they did nothing to deserve it. Since last month, someone very close to me has been a target of this type of unfair treatment, even after repeatedly telling and showing the "offended" party that she was not against them and wanted to keep the peace. I would have ignored it if it happened once or even twice, but she was barraged with accusations, which increased my annoyance with the situation. It all had to do with a much anticipated visit from a relative from overseas, how the news was shared with certain people and not others, and where he wanted to stay when he was here. This caused some unfortunate, long-standing family tensions to come forth. While I know he had a good visit, I also know he definitely would have enjoyed his time here much more without all of the unnecessary drama.

I have learned to deal with this treatment when the target is me; the last time it happened was late last year, when I overheard a conversation in which I was mentioned in dismissive and cruel terms. I was shocked at first, because I had just seen and had a pleasant time with this person, who I have known and loved for almost my whole life. After thinking about it for a little while, I realized that no matter how much I have and will always love and care for this person, she has always had an underlying feeling of contempt towards me, maybe because I remind her of a past she wants to forget. I may never really know why. Soon after the incident, I moved on, because I knew it had nothing to do with me; it had to with her feelings and perceptions. Our relationship may never be the same again, but at least I can say I have forgiven her; I will never forget it, because I learned some invaluable lessons from the experience.

I have observed that these conflicts often originate from the accusers' personal insecurities and skewed perceptions. Secure people don't have to attack those who did nothing to them. Fear of losing control, fear of the past or unknown, and/or maybe even envy or jealousy, can create major havoc in relationships. When I see people creating these negative dramas for themselves and others, I want to shake them and say, "Stop it! Life is too short for this nonsense!" But for those who act in these ways, trying to reason with them while they are in an unreasonable state will not work. The best thing to do is to take a step back, and refuse to engage in argumentative behavior that will not solve anything. When confronted, the best thing to do is to stand your ground, tell the truth, be diplomatic, and then walk away from the confrontation if nothing is working. Hopefully the accusers will calm down, stop hurling accusations, and maybe even apologize for their behavior. Maybe.

I may annoy and even anger some people I know with this post, but I think it is a subject worth talking about, and I wrote the truth. I know I can't be the only one who has experienced this kind of treatment, both directly and indirectly. The moral to this post is that even when you mean well and treat others with respect and kindness, there will always be someone who will take offense to those who don't offend for a variety of "reasons." Staying true to who you are is the best defense.

If you have any thoughts, please share them!

Dealing With The Extreme Cold

While dealing with another bout of frigid weather this month, I am even more determined not to let it affect my mood. I became a little paranoid a week before Christmas, when I fell on a patch of ice and sprained my arm. While I am relieved that the injury was only minor, I still feel anxious whenever I go outside to deal with the icy walking and driving conditions. Like so many of you, the heavy winds, shorter days, and less sunlight makes me wish I could hibernate all winter long. Since that is not practical or healthy, I have found other ways to prevent the cold from making me physically and emotionally immobile.

1. I make sure to get outside during the day, even if it is for a few minutes at a time. If I don't make it outside when the sun is shining, I feel lethargic. When the sunshine is obscured by clouds or fog throughout the day, then the next step is essential for me to combat sluggishness.

2. Everyone knows exercise is key for overall health. I try to run up and down stairs or do jumping jacks if I don't have a chance to do a proper work out, and it can be for 5-10 minutes several times a day. I find that it is helpful when I am working in front of my laptop for long periods of time. No fancy exercise equipment required!

3. Doing something new at least once a week is very important to me too. It doesn't have to be expensive, time consuming, or anything too elaborate; as long as I gain a new experience, it's completely worth it. I recently attended a free cooking competition between two top chefs, which I had never done before. I have also visited previously unseen parks, window-shopped at new stores, and seen unique movies and musical performances I find online that seem interesting. I just like how new stimuli keeps me interested in the outside world, even when the weather can be a big obstacle.

What do you do to combat the winter cold?

Starting the New Year with a New Dream

What is your dream for the world in 2014 and your part in it? Wisdom from the incredible 98 year old activist, author, philosopher and national treasure Grace Lee Boggs.

We are shaking the world with a new dream from Sacred Resonance on Vimeo.

Salary Negotiations and Self Confidence

I recently learned the importance of negotiation, especially when it comes to salary. When I received a job offer letter from a small company offering a part-time position that will become full-time after a month, it looked good to me at first. Then, my eyes scanned down to the hourly rate listed, and I knew I had to start negotiating. While I understand that most companies of all sizes have had to downsize due to the lingering consequences of the recession, I knew immediately that I could not accept the offer as is.


From all that I have read and know from firsthand knowledge about salary negotiations, I am aware that many job seekers won't even attempt to start the process, which should happen right after an offer is made by a potential employer. Sometimes those who have been looking for employment for an extended period of time may be prone to jump on the first opportunity to come their way. I have different circumstances; I work as a consultant for several companies, and while I am open to a full-time position, it has to be something that will justify me giving up (or cutting down) on my other work projects. The position I was recently offered did not convince me to make any changes, because they are only willing to go up $1 an hour, and they are not offering any benefits.


My advice to anyone in this situation is to always see if there is any "wiggle room" in a job offer. If an increase in salary is not possible or not as high as you would like it to be, then a prospective employer may be open to other options, such as offering public transportation reimbursement, parking fees or a health insurance plan with varying levels of coverage. When I was negotiating my salary, I calculated how much my daily travel expenses to and from the location would be, and the result is one of the reasons why I decided not to accept the position.


I knew that if I accepted their terms with no hesitations, I would not be able to respect myself. I also think my would-be employer would have continued to undervalue me, knowing that I am willing to work for so little from the very beginning. Ultimately, I walked away from negotiations with my head held high, knowing that I made the right decision. Thankfully, I handled myself well enough that they are considering me for a per diem position, which I can definitely live with.


Do you have any salary negotiation stories to share?

At Your Service

The following was originally posted on January 18, 2011 on Kristina's blog.

Kristina Leonardi is the founder of The Women’s Mosaic. She is a career/life coach, speaker, seminar leader and expert in the areas of career development, work/life wellness and personal growth.  Click here for her special caoching rates through the end of January.

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“Life’s most urgent question is: What are you doing for others?” Martin Luther King, Jr.

One of the most common desires I hear from clients when embarking on a new career or making a transition is that they want to be doing something with meaning, something that helps people.

My approach is to ask them, “What is the thing that makes you, you? What you are passionate about; when do you lose track of time?” I inquire as to what their fantasy job would be, and very rarely does that answer have to do with becoming a social worker or joining the Peace Corps.

You don’t have to become the next Mother Teresa, Gandhi or MLK to make a difference and live your life in service to others. Perhaps that may be your path, but as Dr. King also said, “Everyone can be great, because everyone can serve.” Running for public office or volunteering on a regular basis can certainly fill that role, but service can be expressed in a myriad of forms that aren’t always so obvious or grandiose. Just being yourself and doing your best at YOU allows us to benefit from whatever unique gifts and talents you possess.

When one’s work is done with love and integrity, every job is one of service. MLK day is also about celebrating diversity, which can refer to many things including occupation. We all have jobs that make the world go round. Whether it’s the super taking care of your building, the bus driver making sure you get to your destination safely, the guy who makes your coffee and bagel every morning, the janitor that cleans the public restrooms you use, the designer of the clothes you are wearing, the comedian that made you laugh last night, the singer whose song you enjoyed on your Ipod, writer whose novel you devoured over the weekend – no occupation is too insignificant, as long as it is done to the best of one’s ability, you can see how any of those people have served you on some level.

And regardless of your job, there is also the service you can provide by smiling at someone when you’re walking down the street, or showing a kindness to a stranger, and notice how for moment you made someone happy or uplifted them in some way.

The thing that I enjoy most and lose track of time doing is talking to folks about their life’s work and helping them make their everyday existence as meaningful and peaceful as possible. I would love the opportunity to help you connect the dots of your life, create more work/life balance and recognize the value in whatever you do, so just give me a buzz as I am always here, at your service.

Dreaming In Reality*

This piece was originally posted on July 21, 2010. It is being re-posted as part of our CHICKS ROCK! Summer Retrospective, during which we will post a combination of new content and posts from the past. Enjoy!

I am like many others who often think that many of my problems will disappear once I achieve some level of personal or financial stability. I was thinking the other day about owning my own house, and how everything else will fall into place once that happens; I shook myself out of that reverie once I realized how fanciful my thoughts wered. It is always good to dream, and it is my opinion that those who claim that they don‘t are either lying or have given up on life. At the same time, we should not live primarily to dream. Life is messy, and the things we dream about may not always come to be, but sometimes this is for the best.

I once knew someone who told everyone that she wanted her future husband to be tall, dark, and handsome. She couldn't imagine anything different from the image she had in her mind, so when she first met the man she would eventually marry, she did not think of him as “husband material.” Eventually her fantasy of the perfect man changed as she learned more about his good qualities, and everyone who knows her can see she is with the right person; maturity and reality became her guides as she shed her unrealistic dreams of perfection.

Not all dreams should be significantly altered or given up completely; being successful at a career you love is entirely possible, even if there are obstacles on this ascending path. I just think that we as human beings should learn to adapt to the ever changing flow of life. Sometimes what we dream of changes completely or becomes a reality in ways we never would have imagined. I also think that as we work toward making our lives better we should enjoy moments in the present. I don‘t mean to be ominous, but none of us really know how long we have in this life! Finding happiness in the present is important as we move forward to an uncertain future.

Do you agree with my thoughts on dreams and reality?

Six Seconds

The following was originally posted on September 27, 2011 on Kristina's blog. It is being re-posted as part of our CHICKS ROCK! Summer Retrospective.

CHICKS ROCK! is happy to have Kristina back as a guest blogger this week.

Kristina Leonardi is the founder of The Women’s Mosaic. She is a career/life coacch, speaker, seminar leader and expert in the areas of career development, work/life wellness and personal growth.
 
I recently attended the screening of a very cool documentary called Connected.  An ambitious undertaking, filmmaker Tiffany Shlain has presented some interesting ideas and factoids in a unique visual way about the history of who we are and the connections we have to each other from the past, present and where we might be headed in the future.

One of the best tidbits I learned was that if you hug someone for six seconds or more, a dose of the feel-good hormone oxytocin is released.

Many of you who have worked with me individually, in a group or have talked to me after one of my workshops or seminars know that I’m a big hugger.  In addition to hugging my clients and audience members, I tend to hug strangers after a meaningful conversation, and even in more professional situations, say after a meeting, which may or may not be kosher, but I can’t help it; I often randomly hug friends, family members and co-workers because I somehow sense they need one, and I will occasionally request one myself (especially from a super-good hugger, like my bro!)

Why? I actually never thought about it.  It’s just always been a natural extension of who I am, the work I do and my love of people in general.  If I had to intellectualize it, perhaps it’s about sealing an interaction in a “Yes, I see and hear you, you see and hear me, and we can show mutual love, respect and care for each other as human beings in the most tangible way.”

And let’s face it, who couldn’t use a hug now and then?  We should be able to give and receive hugs freely, but for those of you who need to justify your request, there’s a scientific explanation, because hey, who wouldn’t want to get a little shot of some naturally feel-good feelings?!  So forget about the economy and the internet, because the true currency of connection is the HUG, and the good news is that it’s available worldwide and abundant in infinite amounts.

Feeling a little stressed or simply need a boost to brighten your day?  Instead of reaching for that Twix bar or beer, have no fear, don’t you pout just say hello and hug it out!  

Surviving Narcissistic Personality Disorder

We all know at least one narcissist, whether we are aware of it or not. I am educating myself about narcissistic personality disorder, also known as NPD, because a member of my family has it. I always knew there was something seriously wrong in my interactions with this person, but I did not understand what it was. Now that I know, I feel liberated; knowledge really is power.

A narcissist is someone who lacks empathy for other people; the individual knows the difference between right and wrong, but the ego always prevails. This particular family member of mine is (and always was) self-serving to a fault. I cannot imagine ever having a meaningful relationship with him in the future, because we never had one to begin with. This person has repeatedly said he does not care if my other family members and I ever speak to him again, because he believes he is right and the rest of us are wrong. Now that I recognize this as one of the symptoms of NPD, his behavior is at last de-mystified for me. I always knew that trying to reason with this individual was a waste of time, but now understanding that most narcissists like him never seek treatment because they don’t recognize the problem releases me from any residual guilt I had about our non-existent relationship.

I would suggest to anyone curious about NPD and certain people in their lives (a boss, friend, family member, spouse, or significant other) to use the Internet as your initial guide. Mayo Clinic’s website sums up the symptoms of narcissistic personality disorder best, in my opinion. If you want to go further, then I recommend The Wizard of Oz and Other Narcissists: Coping with the One-Way Relationship in Work, Love, and Family, by Eleanor D. Payson, M.S.W. Of the many books I have come across about NPD, I find that this one explains the disorder with the most clarity.

Do you know or think you know anyone with NPD?

Beauty in the Breakdown

We're happy to share today's post from TWM Founder Kristina Leonardi

When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves. ~ Viktor Frankl 

I recently read about a pill being developed that would erase unpleasant memories, kind of Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind-ish. Of course I was appalled.  It's bad enough the American public is seduced by quick fixes to deal with many physical ailments that a simple change in diet and exercise, a reduction in stress, self-love and a little mind/body/spirit elbow grease would take care of.  Now they want to get rid of negative memories?!?!  We're already a society who over-eats, over-drinks/drugs, over-sexes, over-technologizes, over-works and over-realityshows to avoid what we're feeling!

There's a saying that many athletic coaches and trainers use: No pain, no gain. Yes, that can certainly apply to losing 20 pounds or training for a marathon, but it applies to our inner workouts as well.  As humans we like to avoid pain as much as possible, but pain can be a very useful tool if we let it.  Emotional, mental, physical or spiritual/soul pain shows us where we're out of wack and where attention needs to be paid and adjustments made in order to learn and grow in any area of our life.

To the extent that you are 'asleep' is the proportion in which the Universe is going to use some big 'ole version of its alarm clock to 'wake you up' and give you a big kick in the butt to do something about it.  And a kick in the butt doesn't feel too good, but we all need one now and then to propel us into action. Most of us don't want to endure prolonged suffering, so the pain forces us to take action. In other words, as I mentioned in the Well & Good.com article I was featured in, we often need to have a breakdown in order to have a breakthrough.

And remember that without pain we wouldn't know joy.  When we are experiencing something akin to the 'dark night of the soul,' think of the caterpillar who thought the world was over just before it became a butterfly, and that 'it's always darkest before dawn.'  Sometimes we just need to 'go there' - these are the times that are meant to test our mettle and force us to rise up like the phoenix from the ashes in order to evolve into a better version of ourselves - and who wouldn't want that?

So if you're feeling like you're about to crack, have been sleepwalking a little too long, or need someone to push you off that diving board, just Let Go, jump in, what are you waiting for? Give me a buzz and we'll find the amazing beauty in whatever type of breakdown is occurring in your life.

Truth No. 2

Sally is not available this week, so enjoy today's post by TWM Founder Kristina Leonardi:

Tell me what's wrong with having a little faith in what you're feelin' in your heart. - The Dixie Chicks (via Patty Griffin)

I try not to think as much as possible. This serves me well for many reasons. First of all, I am somewhat dyslexic, so the more I stay out of my head, the clearer things are for me. And forget about speaking; whenever I do my seminars what I say has to come from my heart and gut otherwise I would get super-confused and choke from stage fright and the fear of sounding stupid.

I have learned to operate this way more and more; it reduces stress by keeping me connected to myself and in the flow of life, in harmony with who I am and what I need or want at any given moment. It is the best source of motivation, decision-making and communications tool I possess because I have harnessed and developed it as such.

In the movie Jerry Maguire, Tom Cruise confronts Cuba Gooding, Jr. about why he hasn't been offered a ten million dollar contract yet, citing that how he is off the field is how he needed to be on the field. "Right now you play with your head....in your personal life: heart....Play the game Rod, play it from your heart and you know what, I will show you the kwan. That's the truth, can you handle it?" Jerry knew that if Rod did what he loved with love, then, and only then, would he be able to show him the money.

And that doesn't just hold true in the movies. Steve Tisch, proud co-owner of the NY Giants declared that the key to their big victory this past weekend was that they "...played with heart, with passion, with love for each other and for the game of football."

Does that negate, replace or even diminish all the hard work, training, strategy, talent and skill necessary to achieve such great heights? No, of course not. But it's the thing that will make the difference between a good team and a great team, a good life and a great one.

Most of us are taught to live by our heads, logic and ego, not by our hearts and guts. But only when we listen to our hearts and put love into everything are we our most authentic selves, which means living our truth. And when we are living our truth, we can then more easily speak our truth, and stand in our truth. And that is the best way to guarantee peace and prosperity in our lives, no matter what the circumstances may be.

Million dollar contract, Lombardi Trophy or not, we are all players the Superbowl Game of Life - so are you playing with your head or your heart? Give me a buzz and I'll make sure that unlike Tom Cruise's confrontation with Jack Nicholson, you can indeed handle the truth and start living in alignment with who you are and what you want to make happen both on the field and off!

P..S Find out what's in YOUR heart at TWM's upcoming Visioning Workshop on 2/18/12!

Doing What We Love*

The following was originally posted on October 4, 2011. It is being re-posted as part of our CHICKS ROCK! Holiday series.


Why do we stop ourselves from doing the things we love? I’ve been struggling lately (and by “lately,” I mean at least a year) with this question.

I have a friend who wants to be an actor and moved to New York partly to pursue that. When I ask him about it, he’s never much closer to taking his acting seriously than he was the time I asked before that. Another aspiring actor studied theatre in college and hasn’t gone on any auditions or even gotten headshots. I also have a friend who used to dance and was quite talented but had to stop years ago. Even though she now has some time and resources to start dancing again, it’s too emotional for her to even try.

All my life, I’ve loved to sing. When I stopped singing regularly with a chorus (or “for real,” as I like to call it), I lost confidence in my ability and eventually it became harder and harder to think about doing it again. Similarly, for the past few months, I’ve found it harder to sit down and write something substantial – one of the things I love doing most. I write here once a week, but it’s nothing like what I used to write when I used to write “for real.”

So I have to ask why it is that we stop ourselves from doing the things we love. I wonder if we don’t think we’re good enough, but it doesn’t seem that simple. I think maybe we don’t think we’re worthy of doing something we truly enjoy – something that has the potential to make us truly happy. Whatever it is, I’m trying to get us all out of our funk. However big or small our steps are, I’m hoping my friends and I can all get back on track… I imagine we’d all be at least a bit more fulfilled.

Dealing With Disappointment*

The following was originally posted on January 19, 2010. It is being re-posted as part of our CHICKS ROCK! Holiday series.

I’m not exactly an eternal optimist, but I try to stay positive as much as I can. Sometimes it’s harder to do that than usual, and lately I guess it’s been one of those times. It seems that lately, I work hard towards something and then it doesn’t go as expected. Suddenly, I’m wishing I could take back all the hours I spent focusing on that one task. I’m left wondering how I can now find extra hours to work on all the other things I have on my plate moving forward. If only there were more hours in the day so I could finish everything I have going on.

But… this isn’t a lesson in time management. Really, I focus on how I’m managing my time to distract me from what’s really going on here: disappointment.

The fact is that if these things had worked out, I would be proud about all the time I dedicated. Now that they haven’t, I am disappointed. I am constantly working on multiple projects at the same time, and more often than not, they all work out. When you’re a multi-tasking perfectionist, you don’t really have to deal with failure very often. This isn’t to sound cocky, it’s just true.

Normally, when something doesn’t go as expected, I regroup and think about what steps I can take to get things back on track. And normally, that works. But what happens when there’s no way to get it back on track? When there’s nothing you can do about it? I suppose the best thing to do is to forget about it: put it aside and focus on the other things I need to get done. Yet I can’t help but think that I’m not acknowledging my feelings in all of this.

That’s where I’m at now: figuring out how to deal with the actual feeling of disappointment when things are no longer in my control. Moving on to other tasks is easy for me; it’s what I’m good at. Dealing with the emotions involved, however, is unfamiliar territory.

How do you deal with disappointment?

Give A Gift, Be An Ally

Time is flying quickly. Thanksgiving has passed and the end-of-year holidays will be here before we know it. Even though I'm personally trying not to "deal" with the holidays just yet, I'm reminded that this is a time of year when a lot of gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender people choose to come out to their family or friends for the first time. I want to use my few paragraphs here today to celebrate that fact, but also to offer a bit of advice and a few resources to those who may unexpectedly find themselves in the position of being an ally this holiday season.

Make no mistake: to be an ally and supporter to an "out" person is a valuable gift--one that no monetary purchase can ever hope to equal. I believe that the simple words "I love you" and "I support you" can go a long way toward making someone feel at ease to be themselves around you. Don't underestimate how important such a simple and FREE offering can be.

The news lately has been peppered with stories of young people who've fallen so far from a feeling of acceptance that they've resorted to taking their own lives because of bullying or fear related to being gay, bi or trans. Each and every one of these stories breaks my heart. I want to do my part to stop these tragedies from occurring, because I believe every person, regardless of his/her sexuality, is special and beautiful and has meaning in the world.

I've considered myself an ally for many years now, and I've struggled with sexuality in my own ways, and in the midst of that I've learned a few simple tricks allies can employ that might help people feel comfortable to "come out" to you:

• Consider using gender-neutral language as much as possible when talking about romantic relationships (i.e. substitute "partner" for "boyfriend" or "girlfriend," even when you know the sex/gender of the person you're referring to)
• Along the same lines, ask broadly-definable questions (i.e., "Are you seeing anyone?" as opposed to "Met any nice guys lately?" or "Do you have a girlfriend?"
• When appropriate, make reference to your support of issues like same-sex marriage, ordination of gay clergy, anti-bullying, or your beliefs on equality, sexuality or human rights. Alternately, be open-minded and willing to engage different opinions even when expressing opposition to or questions about such issues.
• Honesty is important: if you can speak about your own struggles, and express your own questions and doubts, other people will respond in kind.

Also, here are some organizations and quick-link resources for people who are or wish to become allies:

• Gay and Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation (GLAAD)'s ally page helps us understand "How to be an Ally and a Friend."
• Human Rights Campaign (HRC) introduces ways to remain politically active on issues affecting LGBTQ communities.
• Parents, Family and Friends of Lesbians and Gays (PFLAG) offers support, resorces and activism opportunities for families and allies.
• Gay, Lesbian and Straight Education Network (GLSEN) provides information and resources to create safe schools and to fight bullying.

Do you know of other resources for allies? Have you had any experience being an ally, or drawing on the support of allies? What has been helpful for you?

Dear Abby, I Mean Sally

Something I've always been generally good at is giving advice. I'm really good at listening to people, laying out their options as I see them, and letting them know what I would do in the situation without making it seem like I'm forcing them into that decision.

For a while, it seemed that people were fine getting along without me, but lately I've noticed that people are constantly coming to me with their problems. Even when they're not, what starts as a casual conversation sometimes turns into something heavier: they bare their souls and I reassure them that their feelings are valid and give them guidance about what to do.

Last night, for example, a friend and I were chatting to catch up and talk about holiday plans. It had only been a week since the last time we spoke, so it should've been a 10-minute conversation. Instead, we were on the phone for an hour talking about insecurities, jealousy, relationships, and other random things on his mind.

Now, it's not that I'm complaining, I just find it interesting that after all this time, people still come to me for advice -- even on things that I haven't lived through and even people who are much older than me. And I suppose the fact that so many people feel comfortable coming to me with any problem shows what a good friend I am.

But maybe I'll start thinking twice about the timing of my phone calls and friend dates, because they sure do take longer than I plan.

Do you have a friend that everyone goes to for advice, or are you that friend?

Whitewashing Dilemma

I never understand why people want to whitewash history. That was what I first thought when I heard about George W. Bush’s publicity tour to promote his new memoir. Since leaving office, he has lived quietly away from the spotlight until now. I remember how different things were before and now after his presidency, and I can honestly say that things were pretty grim during those long eight years.

At the same time, it is far too easy to cast all the blame on Bush entirely. He was the figure head of a large, crumbling administration, as well as the country as a whole. He had other branches of the government to contend with too, which is understandable. Still, people in the media want to either revere him as a powerful former President who helped spread democracy in the Muslim world, or demonize him for entering into war with Iraq. It is too easy to choose one side or the other, but it is wrong to do so.

When you see the world in purely “black and white,” you lose out on many truths. Still, I don’t believe that someone like Hitler should be sympathized with in this or any other way. I feel fortunate that I surround myself with people who are and have made time to present themselves for who they really are, warts and all.

I also don’t like it when people claim to be close with a deceased person, when they were not. Respect for someone who is passed is essential of course, but I feel uncomfortable seeing people mourning for those deceased persons they barely knew or spoke to. Whitewashing the memories of others can be detrimental to everyone concerned; trashing someone through and through is also a bothersome extreme. Therefore, taking the middle ground is always best, at least from my own view.

Do you agree that whitewashing anything or anyone (dead or alive) is a bad idea? Why or why not?

Dreaming In Reality

I am like many others who often think that many of my problems will disappear once I achieve some level of personal or financial stability. I was thinking the other day about owning my own house, and how everything else will fall into place once that happens; I shook myself out of that reverie once I realized how fanciful my thoughts wered. It is always good to dream, and it is my opinion that those who claim that they don‘t are either lying or have given up on life. At the same time, we should not live primarily to dream. Life is messy, and the things we dream about may not always come to be, but sometimes this is for the best.

I once knew someone who told everyone that she wanted her future husband to be tall, dark, and handsome. She couldn't imagine anything different from the image she had in her mind, so when she first met the man she would eventually marry, she did not think of him as “husband material.” Eventually her fantasy of the perfect man changed as she learned more about his good qualities, and everyone who knows her can see she is with the right person; maturity and reality became her guides as she shed her unrealistic dreams of perfection.

Not all dreams should be significantly altered or given up completely; being successful at a career you love is entirely possible, even if there are obstacles on this ascending path. I just think that we as human beings should learn to adapt to the ever changing flow of life. Sometimes what we dream of changes completely or becomes a reality in ways we never would have imagined. I also think that as we work toward making our lives better we should enjoy moments in the present. I don‘t mean to be ominous, but none of us really know how long we have in this life! Finding happiness in the present is important as we move forward to an uncertain future.

Do you agree with my thoughts on dreams and reality?

Female in Relationship Seeking Friend in Relationship

It’s funny that Kekla posted on relationships yesterday, because what I’ve wanted to touch on for a while is friendship… as it relates to relationships.

I’m lucky to have a good core group of friends that I can turn to for almost anything. I have friends who I know can always make me laugh, friends who give great professional advice, friends who I have a lot in common with, and plenty of friends that I just love being around. What I don’t really have, though, are friends that I can easily turn to for relationship advice, or to simply let out my feelings about my relationship. Let me elaborate…

It’s easy enough for my friends to indulge me in general griping – when he’s made a mess in the kitchen, when he’s calling too much, when he’s not calling at all, etc. These are small things I can quickly release, make fun of, and move on from. But anything deeper than that doesn’t work. Most of my friends are single, so the number of conversations that end with “well at least you have a guy” (either in words or in general attitude) are many. Then I have friends who are in relationships, but who I don’t feel comfortable getting advice from because the dynamics of their own relationships are not what I want in mine. The advice they give me is well-meaning, but not anything I’d follow.

And so it is that whenever I am having one of those moments when I need to let out any frustrations or anxiety, or when I just need some really good advice, I usually have to look inward or get advice from a book. So far this has been an adequate strategy, but I can’t imagine it being successful for much longer. Now I’m on a mission to find more friends in relationships that I admire, but something tells me that won’t be so easy.

Do you find that you can’t talk to your single friends about relationships? Or that you can’t talk about being single with your coupled up friends? Where do you turn for advice?

Forgiving the Unrepentant

What do you do when someone wrongs you, you want to forgive them, but they are not sorry at all? It is a dilemma that many of us face, and we handle it in different ways. Some of us hold grudges for weeks, months, and even years, while others ignore the situation to avoid conflict, but the unfair treatment constantly manifests itself. Both responses are unproductive and wind up hurting the wronged person more than the one who did the bad deed. So how do we forgive the unrepentant and move on with our lives?

I am hardly an expert, but evaluating the situation from the inside out works for me. Can I work this out amicably? Did I do anything that I have to make amends for in this situation? If so, will making the first step repair the relationship? If the answer is no for each question, I change my tactics. The first thing I do is take a step back from the person and wait to see what happens. Many people will not say “I’m sorry,” even when they know they are wrong. I prepare myself to accept that I may never hear those words from my aggressor, because pride is often stronger than admitting the truth.

Someone I care about has been in this unfortunate situation with a relative for several years now. The initial attack shook her so deeply that she collapsed and was rushed to the hospital as a result. I was angry at everyone involved, including her, because I couldn’t understand why she made herself sick over untrue accusations; I realized later that the attack roused her insecurities, and the fact that it came from someone she cared about took a heavy toll.

My advice is to accept that you may never receive the apology you deserve, but to grant forgiveness anyway. It doesn’t have to be a verbal declaration; as long as you make peace with the past and move on, good fortune will smile on you more than anyone else in the situation.

Can you forgive those who are blatantly unapologetic?

My Moving Operation

Moving from one place to another is a major operation, especially if you have lived and accumulated so much for a long period of time. I know this because I am in process of moving, and it is not easy to decide what to take, what to get rid of, and everything in between. I am lucky because I can go back and forth from my current home (which is just a few minutes away from my apartment) after I move to take care of things, but I know many don’t have these conveniences.

A successful move requires organization and planning ahead. Without these two important factors, the process can be chaotic and even painful. I am trying to be smart by moving in my things gradually (another unique advantage I have) everyday, so when my official moving day arrives, there will be more order and less strain, because there will be fewer things to move. This gradual move is also helping me eliminate clutter, which can be a problem in a smaller space. I take the time to reserve packing materials so they don’t lie on my floors collecting dust; I can always reuse them to pack my other belongings, or recycle them if they are unusable. I feel good each time I leave my new place, because even though my moving operation is a work in progress, I can see how my organizing efforts are making the process a much more tolerable experience.

Another important thing to remember about moving (and almost anything else in life) is that unexpected things will probably happen. Items may break, appliances may stop working, the rug may be too small for the room, etc., but these are not tragedies. Some things are out of my control, but I find that having a sense of humor and asking for assistance when I need it helps me maintain the proper perspective about my moving operation.

Do you have any moving tips to share?