Shake Your Groove Thing

The following was originally posted on November 28, 2012 on Kristina's blog.

CHICKS ROCK! is happy to have Kristina back as a guest blogger this week.
Kristina Leonardi is the founder of The Women’s Mosaic. She is a career/life coach, speaker, seminar leader and expert in the areas of career development, work/life wellness and personal growth

 +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Do you have the discipline to be a free spirit? ~ Gabrielle Roth

 In the movie Silver Linings Playbook, the main characters Pat and Tiffany are in training for a big dance competition that turns out to be much more than a fancy booty shaking contest.  A unique romantic dramedy, it’s a film that shows there is a fine line between sanity and insanity, acceptable versus unacceptable behavior, and the beauty of living life to the beat of your own drum.

In the movie The Sessions, Mark O’Brien is confined to an iron lung 20 hours a day, existing on a gurney unable to move from the neck down, and yet he writes poetry, is a professional journalist and decides to hire a sex surrogate so he can experience the most human of experiences. We go along on his journey (based on a true story!) and find him to be one of the most alive, loving and liberated individuals to have ever lived despite such extreme physical limitations.

And as seen in the movie Lincoln, our 16th president is clearly not your Average Joe.  He was always thinking out of the box, used his quirky sense of humor to diffuse or illuminate situations, and took numerous risks throughout the most heart-wrenching circumstances our country has endured.  He stretched the Constitution to its limit, working within an established framework while implementing his own interpretation and/or bending the rules based on his hard-earned wisdom, keen observations and superior judgement as unprecedented needs arose and critical decisions had to be made in order for progress to occur.

In the conscious movement class I take, we are told to  ‘dance it your way’ and have breaks of  ‘free dance’  where we boogie as we see fit; it’s not chaotic because there is an organized structure and unity contained within the flow as we come back together intermittently as a group throughout the hour.  It’s a super-small class because for many people, when given the opportunity to move and think for themselves, even for just a few moments, is a daunting and uncomfortable feeling; it’s an empowering exercise that requires more effort and less inhibition, and many simply don’t know what to do if they are not following the instructor. And that, my friends, is indicative of a larger problem with implications reaching much farther than a gym studio.

Spielberg’s Lincoln asks, “Do you think we choose to be born? Or are we fitted to the times we’re born into?”  As citizens of the 21st century, we are certainly living in extraordinary times that will require us to become the fullest and most unique beings we are meant to be.  We each have something that needs to be expressed, something that no other person on this planet, no one who has come before or will come after can express. Right now we need new ways of looking at old problems and to change old ways in order deal with new problems, so it’s more important than ever for you to do your own thang, because there is no other way to generate inspiration and birth innovation.

In any era it’s easy to get stuck in past habits and sucked into the zeitgeist of the day.  Resist the urge to follow the herd, fight to honor yourself, think and speak your own thoughts and begin to know and create yourself anew every moment of every day instead of getting swept up by social media, news, commercials, and even your peer groups, work and ethnic cultures or family and friends who are all, consciously or not, forces that can easily grab hold of your mind, body, spirit and/or bank account.  Don’t let your physical characteristics, family roots or societal dictates squash all the rhythms inside you that might be quite different from what those outside influences might have you believe, say or do.

Not sure exactly what your groove thing is? Give me a buzz and I’ll get you started with some basic choreography and point you in the right direction, because ultimately You Should Be Dancing your own steps throughout life, hopefully with a fun disco floor beneath your feet along the way!

P.S. For related thoughts on this topic, check out my posts:  Lucky Charms, A Fool’s Errand and New Rules.

Good New Days

There really is no such thing as the good old days when it comes to safety and freedom. When I heard a news report about the overall reduction of crime and overall violence in general since the 20th century, I was not surprised. Why? Because as one who loves history, I know enough about it to know that many problems people faced on a daily basis are not as common as they used to be. Even with the creation of more efficient weapons of destruction and more war, humanity in general is much better off than ever before. It just doesn’t feel that way sometimes.

As a woman today, I can travel on my own or with others with far less chance of being assaulted or killed than my predecessors. I admire travelling women in previous centuries because they risked their lives and took more risks than I will ever know. While it does not feel that way at times, I am aware that travel is much easier than in the past. The time it used to take to cross the Atlantic was so much longer and far less safe than most of us realize.

Even as a fan of classic movies and well done period films, I am wise enough to know that I would never have wanted to live during those more repressive times. Classic films I love, which tend to be of far better substantive quality than those produced today, often depict beautifully dressed men and women pursuing each other until either triumphing or losing in the end. In reality, the actors and actresses behind those roles were made and destroyed by the studio system that they worked for. I love Jane Austen’s novels and many of the films based on her works, but I would have hated to live in during her lifetime. She died in her 40s, and had to conduct herself within certain social parameters that most women today would find ridiculously restrictive.

Do you agree that living now is better than in previous eras?

My Non-Vegas Vegas Vacation

Since I've been keeping all of you updated on my vacations, especially my trip to Vegas, it seems silly to not end up telling you how it went. In a word: splendidly.

I ended up going with just one friend who was with me for the weekend. It was great to catch up with her and together we ate some mediocre food and some delicious food, went out one night, and saw a show the other. Once she left, I had three days to myself, which I spent reading and lounging by the pool each morning and then in my room getting work done, reading, or watching Game Show Network the rest of the day. I even had my own private dance party in my hotel room one night.

As I hinted at last week, I spent more money than I budgeted, but there were some great treats that came along with that. Well, one great treat, really, with The Beatles: LOVE, Cirque du Soleil's popular show inspired by and set to the music of The Beatles. I'm a huge Beatles fan so I had already seen most of All Together Now, the documentary about how they put the show together. But I had never seen a Cirque du Soleil show and nothing could really prepare me for how entertaining it was. There's really only one thing I'm glad I splurged on in Vegas, and it was that.

But probably the best thing about my trip was spending time alone. Once there, I instantly realized how much I needed it, given how hectic my schedule has been. I can't remember the last time I spent more than a couple of hours with myself and it's been the same way since getting back. It wasn't enough to fully recharge, but it was a bit of breathing room.

So maybe my Vegas vacation was anything but your typical Vegas trip, but I still enjoyed it.

Do you like spending time by yourself while on vacation?

The Still Unfazed, Solo Traveler

As I was mentioning last week, the last few months have been a bit hectic for me. That full body massage was a great treat, but what I've really been needing is a vacation. Thankfully, the two I have scheduled over the next couple of months are finally upon me.

First stop: Vegas.

After all the back and forth, it turns out that I'll be alone for most of the time. I know what you're thinking, "Alone? In Vegas?" This is the reaction I've been getting from pretty much everybody, and still... I remain unfazed. It was when my friends started to feel sorry for me and say things like "well, it should be an interesting experience to travel alone" that I realized I do this all the time.

Seattle? Alone. Indiana? Alone. Mississippi? Sort of alone.

If anything, I was actually excited that I would be alone because there'd be nothing to distract me from my goal of relaxation. I would be less tempted to go out and spend a ton of money on dinners and booze. There'd be nobody encouraging me to pull down the level at a slot machine. It'd just be me, the hot sun, my eReader, and my laptop. Heck, even not going out every night is actually a blessing because I'll get a chance to catch up on my writing, something I've been too busy to do for the past couple of months.

My next stop is California, and that will also be a chill trip. I'm driving from LA to San Francisco with a friend of mine, hitting up the beaches and beautiful scenery and greenery along the way. It'll be the first time we spend that much time together since our trip to Europe in junior high school, but I think we'll be fine.

So it's funny the way things work out. I wanted to change my pace and mellow out for a bit, which at first seemed like the opposite of these trips, but it looks like I'm still going to get what I need.

Are you looking forward to any upcoming vacations?

Understanding May 1, 2011

What a difference a few days make! Last week the news was all about Libya, Syria, the debate over President Obama’s birth certificate, and the British royal wedding. This changed irrevocably on Sunday night, when I along with many other people turned on their televisions and computers to discover the news that a certain terrorist everyone has been looking and wondering about for almost ten years was shot and killed in the special operatives’ raid in Pakistan. This too shall pass of course, but for now it is the number one story out there. The architect of the 9/11 attacks on the World Trade Center and the Pentagon and so much more was exposed and has been silenced forever. Now I cannot help but wonder what is coming next for us as a country and as human beings.

I was shocked with everyone else by the news that they actually found the man in question, living in a comfortable fortress of surrounded by pastoral splendor and just a short distance away from a military training facility. While the house didn’t impress me at all, the areas were quite lovely, and reminded me of areas in my parents’ native India, and where my cousin lives in Indonesia. I am used to seeing high walls, but not fortress-sized windows and doors with barbed wire to boot.

I do recall my cousin’s neighbors’ housekeeping staff never being allowed to speak to anyone or leave their boss’s homes, not even for the Ramadan holiday. I realized this was not right immediately, but there was nothing I could do about it. I saw the policemen receiving bribes everyday from employees of the first Indonesian schools; I worked with some of them there, so I knew that local police would be the least likely to do much (if anything) to respond and remedy the situation for them. In other words, I understand why Bin Laden’s unknowing neighbors had no idea who he was. Of course, Pakistan’s military and intelligence organizations have some serious explaining to do.

What are your thought about this past weekend?

Emotional Prisons

When the people I care about go through difficult times, such as dealing with those who want their emotional destruction, I want to help save the day. In other words, I want to inspire them to stand up to their villains and take them down, once and for all. Call it a hero complex without the glory, because I don’t want to be thanked at all; I just want to give strength to those who don’t have it. What I have realized is that my efforts are usually fruitless. True victory for those plagued by others has to come from the ones who are oppressed. It is the only way they can truly be free, once and for all.

There are all kinds of prisons; I know about the ones that cannot be seen. People I know in these situations describe their feelings of fear and isolation so profoundly that it evokes feelings of confinement. I have even visited people in their homes and felt the walls closing in on me; it is like visiting someone in a cell. There are no bars and barbed wire, and they can get out once in a while, but they always go back, because they are not ready and/or don’t have the strength to revolt and break free. The people I know undergoing this plight are those in bad marriages, relationships, and in highly dysfunctional families. A family member of mine is friends with a man who was emotionally terrorized and manipulated by his mother for years: he had a strictly enforced curfew, had his mail opened without his consent, and was told he could never leave home, even though he had thousands of dollars saved in the bank. It took getting married to make him break out of that prison; he was in his early thirties.

I feel for those who are emotionally imprisoned, especially if they desperately want to be free. All I can do is pray and hope they find the courage to stage their own “prison breaks.”

Have you experienced emotional imprisonment in your own lives?

Being Your Own Boss

I get a lot of questions about how I stay motivated as an independent worker, being self-employed. My friends who are traditionally-employed often lament their "chains" but at the same time, many of them seem slightly in awe of the discipline, self-motivation and initiative it takes to succeed outside of the corporate rat race.

"I don't know how you do it. I would never get anything done." I hear this all the time, and I always smile to myself. Partly because, yes, it's nice to be perceived as having some secret, or a special skill that eludes the general population. Mostly because I know there is no secret, no skill involved that isn't also involved in working for someone else. At least that's true for me.

Oh, you still want my work-from-home secrets?

1. Do something you love. Most days that is all the motivation I need. I love writing and I would be doing it anyway, even if it couldn't be my job.

2. You don't exist in a void. I still have deadlines and colleagues and professional commitments that I need to uphold. It helps add structure to my working schedule.

3. You still have to make money. Never underestimate the power of economic reality. On the days when I don't want to put my butt in the chair, I simply remind myself that work=money in a much more direct and explicit way than it ever did when I was a salaried employee. How much work I do matters day to day, not just month to month or over the course of a year.

4. Reward yourself. I am my own boss, which means no one is looking over my shoulder to criticize, but no one is there to praise the good work, either. I celebrate significant accomplishments and met goals with small treats. Cupcakes. A movie. Dinner out. Something to show that I appreciate me!

How do you stay motivated at work, whether you're in a home office, or someone else's?

Independence Wasn't Easy

When visiting Massachusetts recently, I felt the strong connection between the present and the past in many of the places I visited. Many areas in New England preserve and honor American history before and after the American Revolution, which I appreciate. The holiday isn’t just about fireworks, barbeques, and pool parties; blood was shed so that thirteen colonies could break free from an oppressive monarchy to become a nation in its own right. I try to remember the meanings of holidays that many of us take for granted, including our Independence Day, because I know there are many parts of the world that do not enjoy the same freedoms that we do. As a dark skinned woman, I felt at ease traveling to various parks and other points of interest without fear; others like me in other countries may not have those same freedoms.

The historical events surrounding Independence Day did not result in complete freedom for everyone, as we all know. Slavery did not end until the following century, Native Americans were deprived of their lands and their way of life, and women did not have the right to vote until 1921, but it was still a step in the right direction. The Declaration of Independence and the U.S. Constitution laid the groundwork for the progress in our country, and both are still admired today. In the middle of all of the Fourth of July celebrations that will be taking place this weekend, I will take at least one moment to think about all of the hard work and sacrifices made by countless people (some we know by name, and many others who we will never know) that have given us the freedoms we have today. As we know from news reports, history books, and perhaps from our own lives, living free does not come easily, even though it should.

Where The Jobs Are

Like many Americans, I am looking for a steady job. There is so much information in the media about the recovering economy and job growth, but like many others, I haven’t seen these improvements yet. I know that I have to be open to moving to another part of the United States, or even another country. It is all about where the jobs are, and that means taking risks.

I am not unfamiliar with this. When I received my ESL teaching certification a few years ago, I decided to teach abroad for at least one year. I was a little scared to leave the U.S. for Indonesia; the only person I knew who lived there was a cousin I met once when I was a little girl. The first few months after I arrived were difficult, because I was constantly getting sick, and the workplace culture at the two schools I worked in was very corrupt. Despite all of this, I made a life for myself there. I made friends, learned to speak a little of the language, and traveled to some beautiful locales. In short, I adapted to my surroundings, even though I was counting the days until my teaching contract would be complete. I proved to myself that since I made it in Indonesia, I can make it almost anywhere I want to go.

I plan to move twice this year; once at the end of this month, and the next before the end of this year. The first move is a transitional one, because I will still be living near New York City, but my plans are to relocate to out of the area completely. I just know that my next opportunity is somewhere else, and I am ready to take it on, whatever it is. I am looking forward to the future, even with all of the uncertainties surrounding me.

Would you relocate for the right job, even if it means leaving everything and everyone you know behind?

Being Drastic, Being Free

I hear the word “freedom” all the time, and, like many, my first thoughts are events such as the successful Indian independence movement, the Civil Rights Movement, the end of World War II, the destruction of the Berlin Wall, and other well-known events that have happened (and continue to happen) all over the world. I also know that pursuit of freedom manifests itself on a much smaller, personal scale in people’s lives. Examples of these include ending a “terminally ill” relationship, moving out of your childhood home and finally living as an adult, and quitting a dead-end job to start working in a career that you love. My own pursuit of freedom has been a continuous struggle with indecisiveness and frustration, but these dark clouds have been lifting. Why? I have decided to take drastic steps to make my declaration of independence imminent.

Working from my parents’ home is like climbing a slippery slope: I have a list of tasks to accomplish every day, but there are always too many distractions that make completing them impossible. Friends and other family members have complained to me about similar feelings of mental stagnation, making them less productive when they are living, working, or just visiting their childhood homes. Many may not have that problem, but I know myself; to realize my pursuit of personal freedom, I must move out of my current residence as soon as possible.

How will I make it happen? Some family friends have offered their place in New England and a teaching job at a private school as a temporary solution. I also have a few opportunities to teach abroad, which I will consider after I return from India at the end of February. My months of self-imposed exile are coming to an end, thanks to deep introspection and serious conversations with people I love. I may struggle much more than I planned to, but I know that it will be for a short duration if I take a deep breath and jump.

End Of The Year Realizations

I know I am not the only one who becomes reflective this time of year. It isn’t the holiday season; it has more to do with the end of the year and thinking back at what I have done and what has happened to me. There are many people who judge themselves (and others) too harshly by having regrets. I say they are a waste of time. Can we get in a time machine and go back to reverse our previous choices? Of course not! When others I know start ruminating about the past, I encourage them to focus on the present and future instead. It’s what I tell myself, and it works for me.

This becomes difficult when someone you love is mired in regrets and disappointments about themselves and others. I think we all know at least one person who falls into that category, and in my case it is an individual who I am currently estranged from. I used to get upset when this person shared his uninformed opinions about my life with me, but I have slowly come to the realization that these negative criticisms actually come from a good place. I also know that he is harder on himself than anyone could ever be on him, so I pity his “black and white only” views on life.

Honestly, I can’t worry about what the naysayers have to say: I used to want to save those in my life who fell into this category, but I have given up on this thankless quest after realizing that they were resistant or unable to change for the better. I also know that I definitely don’t have all the answers, and I am focusing more on my own life than ever before. I feel like a weight has been lifted from my shoulders, and it has helped me in my writing and in other volunteer projects I consider to be worthy of my time.

Do you have any realizations to share as we approach the end of the decade?

The Unconventional Me

My annual birthday tradition is to take the day off to do whatever I want to do. I personally believe that a birthday should be a personal holiday, but that is just my opinion. With my own special day approaching, I am looking forward to taking on some mountain trails and breathing in fresh mountain air. Previous birthdays involved me skydiving at 14,000 feet, spending a leisurely day at a spa, visiting several art museums in one day, having a family get-together in India, and just wasting time doing nothing. If I am lucky to have more birthdays (you never know how long you have, after all) I would like to try spending them in foreign and domestic locales I have never visited before.

I can never understand why people show up to work on their birthdays, and are content to have people they may or may not like sing “Happy Birthday” to them before blowing out candles on a cake that was bought with company money. As a child it was fun to go to school, armed with cupcakes or other sweet treats for my fellow students, but as an adult I am compelled to avoid being with people who only show interest in me just to get some free food and drinks for their trouble.

I feel the same way about weddings. I never understand why brides and grooms (more the former than the latter, stereotypically) spend more time and money buying flowers, dresses, and organizing the ceremony and reception rather than preparing for the rest of their lives after the party is over. I actually know a couple who are still paying off the expense of their wedding four years and two children later. They are separated now, which makes the situation even sadder, I think. For me, the idea of spending tens of thousands of dollars and more on one day is enough to recommend elopement as a more than ideal arrangement.

What about you? Do have any unconventional ideas you'd like to share?

Yes, I want to be. So what?

Lately people have been asking me about relationships a lot. Am I looking for one? What do I want out of one? Can they set me up? Would I get up to speed with the internet matching thing already? What am I waiting for? Who am I interested in that they might know?

Sheesh.

I did not used to get into this dialogue so much, and it leads me to wonder if something has changed about my demeanor or behavior that makes people think I'm suddenly "on the market." To be honest, I'm not sure if I am or not. My standard answer is that I'm not specifically looking for a relationship, but I'm open to it if it happens. I think that's pretty true.

People often say that single women are single because they want to be, but it's usually said in a tone of voice that suggests this is a character flaw, or a deep subconscious sabotaging of your chance at happiness. This frustrates me, especially when I feel myself falling into the same traps, thinking about the future in terms of "when I find someone..."

I know people are just trying to be friendly and helpful, but who says I have to be "looking?" Isn't it okay not to? Pauline thinks so. Taking a long term view, yeah, I hope it's out there for me. But in the meantime, I don't want to conduct myself as if I'm waiting indefinitely. I have things to do, dreams to pursue and to accomplish. So, I'm going for it! It's just me, and that's okay.

What a Girl Wants....Love Me

This summer I've been contributing to a series of blog conversations with other women writers on diversity in teen literature. The topic we wrote on last week had to do with socioeconomic diversity. I posted about this series once before, so I'm not going to belabor it, but any writers (or readers) interested in diversity would do well to pop in and take a gander at this dynamic discussion.

Last week's topic was inspired by a photo essay entitled LOVE ME by award-winning photojournalist Maisie Crow. I want to call your attention to that today. These images, and the story they tell, are disturbing and soulful and screaming pretty loud from their stillness. They are well worth the time it takes to flip through, if you can stand to have your heart broken.

I can't look at these pictures without feeling the weight of everything that's wrong in the world. The worst bit isn't the poverty, either. It's the air of despair, of defeat, hanging over it all. I don't know if what's missing for this girl is education, or access, or self-esteem, or simply the chance to look in a mirror and see something other than closed doors all around. I wish I could hand her something better than hopelessness.

I count myself lucky to be far removed from the sorts of experiences that are playing out in the life of this girl, Autumn. I spend a lot of time in an intellectual and creative space, secure in the love of my family, my strength and independence, and all the possibilities of the future. It aches my heart that this can't be true of every young woman. Everyone has problems, yeah, but somehow images like this put a lot into perspective for me. It makes me want to reach out. It makes me want to try harder to change the world in the miniscule ways I might be able to. It makes me want to write more and live better and dream harder, on behalf of those who don't have the freedom to.

What do you feel, after seeing Autumn's story?

[Above photo copyright Maisie Crow]

Be Here Now

CHICKS ROCK! welcomes our latest guest blogger, Rita.

Rita Chhabra is a CFA charterholder and has over 12 years experience in the Financial services industry. She loves to cook and has a new found love of travel.


In my 33rd year of life, I traveled alone for the first time. This was a difficult decision to make, as I am not the type who even goes to the movies or restaurants alone. But I found myself with plenty of time on my hands, an urge to travel, and a bunch of broke friends! I decided to look into travel groups -- I might be flying alone, but I didn’t want to be alone once I arrived at my destination (baby steps!).

My destination was Tuscany. I arrived on the 4th of July, Independence Day in my home country -- quite poetic given my solo journey, huh? I spent my first week at a cooking school whipping up wonderful Tuscan meals. I planned my second week at a yoga retreat, which allowed me to do four hours of yoga each day.

For the first four days of the retreat, we participated in an exercise called “be here now.” We were not allowed to talk about anything in our lives that happened prior to our arrival in Italy. If we heard someone starting to tell a story about her “past,” we yelled “be here now!” This was a difficult exercise because we are so programmed to tell people about ourselves when we meet them, particularly what we do for a living. We end up defining ourselves by our occupation alone, and more often than not, we are judged by it.

It took some getting used to, but it was enlightening to talk to people and learn who they are right now: who are you right now, what do you enjoy doing right now? On the fifth day we were able to talk about our ‘other’ lives outside of Tuscany… but by then, we didn’t really care about those things!

This trip did wonders for me, in terms of getting over my fear of traveling alone. In the process, I also made new friends and found a new way of living in the present.

I don’t know why I didn’t look into travel groups before, but now I’m already searching for my next destination!

The Independent Loner

I recently attended a conference in Chicago. It was a good professional networking opportunity, but it was also quite fun to play in a city other than New York.

I went to college near Chicago, so the city is familiar, though I haven’t spent time there in years. Things came back to me, just by being there: memories of the buildings and streets, my experiences there, and the range of emotions I experienced back then. The flavor of the city pulled me back in time in fascinating ways. So, I plugged around town, visiting my old favorite haunts: restaurants, shops, tourist attractions, neighborhoods. I gorged on stuffed pizza, swung by my favorite non-chain sandwich shop (twice), ducked into a popular but out-of-the-way Italian restaurant, and hunted down several desserts whose taste I’ve been able recall over the years, even from many miles away.

I got my one-week unlimited transit card loaded up and whenever I had a free moment to sneak away from the conference center, I headed into the city... by myself.

My mother would readily tell you that among my first words was “myself.” (As in, “I want to do it MYSELF.”) Yes, I’ve been blessed with an independence and spirit of adventure that have served me well. It got me to NYC, where I’ve had no choice but to go it alone. It’s gotten me a lot of places.

I’m okay on my own. I like being able to decide where to go and what to do, as I please, without having to negotiate or organize or compromise. That’s fun. But this week, I found myself thinking things like, “This delectable meal would be better if there was someone across the table.”

Let’s face it: there’s really no such thing as a table for one. What this week showed me is that I may be independent, but I’m not a loner. I like having people around, at least some of the time, although I like to do my own thing as well. Somewhere in there is a balance that I will have to learn to strike at some point.