When Familiarity Breeds Contempt

“I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.” 
― Maya Angelou

Recently, I have been wondering about a certain pitfall of human nature that occurs within families, friendships, marriages, and other close relationships; it is when people (who should know better) turn against those close to them when they did nothing to deserve it. Since last month, someone very close to me has been a target of this type of unfair treatment, even after repeatedly telling and showing the "offended" party that she was not against them and wanted to keep the peace. I would have ignored it if it happened once or even twice, but she was barraged with accusations, which increased my annoyance with the situation. It all had to do with a much anticipated visit from a relative from overseas, how the news was shared with certain people and not others, and where he wanted to stay when he was here. This caused some unfortunate, long-standing family tensions to come forth. While I know he had a good visit, I also know he definitely would have enjoyed his time here much more without all of the unnecessary drama.

I have learned to deal with this treatment when the target is me; the last time it happened was late last year, when I overheard a conversation in which I was mentioned in dismissive and cruel terms. I was shocked at first, because I had just seen and had a pleasant time with this person, who I have known and loved for almost my whole life. After thinking about it for a little while, I realized that no matter how much I have and will always love and care for this person, she has always had an underlying feeling of contempt towards me, maybe because I remind her of a past she wants to forget. I may never really know why. Soon after the incident, I moved on, because I knew it had nothing to do with me; it had to with her feelings and perceptions. Our relationship may never be the same again, but at least I can say I have forgiven her; I will never forget it, because I learned some invaluable lessons from the experience.

I have observed that these conflicts often originate from the accusers' personal insecurities and skewed perceptions. Secure people don't have to attack those who did nothing to them. Fear of losing control, fear of the past or unknown, and/or maybe even envy or jealousy, can create major havoc in relationships. When I see people creating these negative dramas for themselves and others, I want to shake them and say, "Stop it! Life is too short for this nonsense!" But for those who act in these ways, trying to reason with them while they are in an unreasonable state will not work. The best thing to do is to take a step back, and refuse to engage in argumentative behavior that will not solve anything. When confronted, the best thing to do is to stand your ground, tell the truth, be diplomatic, and then walk away from the confrontation if nothing is working. Hopefully the accusers will calm down, stop hurling accusations, and maybe even apologize for their behavior. Maybe.

I may annoy and even anger some people I know with this post, but I think it is a subject worth talking about, and I wrote the truth. I know I can't be the only one who has experienced this kind of treatment, both directly and indirectly. The moral to this post is that even when you mean well and treat others with respect and kindness, there will always be someone who will take offense to those who don't offend for a variety of "reasons." Staying true to who you are is the best defense.

If you have any thoughts, please share them!

About The Violence Against Women In India

Since I first learned of the 2012 case of the brutal Delhi gang rape, which gained international attention, I was disturbed to learn of the rise in reports of similar crimes perpetrated towards Indians and foreigners. It was the attack on a Danish tourist near a popular shopping area in India's capital city last month that really made my blood run cold. Through my own research, I learned of other horrific cases of rape in India that are almost too overwhelming to comprehend. Some of them include a case of a Polish woman raped with her young daughter present in a taxi cab by the driver; a couple ambushed by a group of men while bicycling in Central India; and a nightmarish account of a woman who was raped by order her village council as punishment for who she chose to love. I have read and been told by Indian family members and friends that the increase in reports of rape are a result of more people coming forward to the authorities and the media; fear of reprisals from the perpetrators and being ostracized by their communities continue to be serious deterrents to justice.

As the daughter of first generation Americans who came from India, I have had mixed feelings about the country. As a child, all I knew about India from my two visits there were that I had many Indian relatives, the climate was very hot and rainy, vegetation was lush, and I was a mosquito magnet.  It was only during my last two visits to India as an adult that I learned to appreciate its many cultures, languages, customs, climates and landscapes. Like America, India is more diverse and complex than most people can comprehend, including myself.  Now, however, I am wondering if I will return to my parents' birth country any time soon.

It's not just fear that something horrible will happen to me or someone I know; it's the corruption and misogynistic attitudes that make progress in the prevention of these attacks and the aftermaths faced by victims slower than it should be. There are many wonderful, outspoken Indian women and men in the country facing this issue head-on, and now with more people reporting these attacks, the need for true reform in all levels of society is more vital than ever. As an outsider with some insider knowledge, I see how influential the Indian movie and TV industries could be in transforming some of the sexist, backward attitudes that have contributed to the extreme violence towards women in the country. Strategies like public service announcements that reach out to men and women of all ages would be great, as well as more positive stories of rape victims becoming survivors could make enormous positive impacts.

There are so many other things that need to happen, such as dealing with how families raise their sons and daughters; encouraging all people to report cases of abuse to the authorities; and revising academic, governmental, and medical institutions' policies on how to help survivors and their families. Unfortunately, I have heard too many stories of people who are further victimized by their communities after going public, and for me, that is unacceptable.

True, systematic change will not happen overnight, but I hope to see some significant reforms in my lifetime. After all, India transformed from a British colony into a democracy with a flourishing economy in a matter of decades. I know (as do so many others) that changes in India's cultural, social, and legal policies regarding all forms of abuse must happen, so the nation's progress into a brighter future will become a reality.

Dealing With The Extreme Cold

While dealing with another bout of frigid weather this month, I am even more determined not to let it affect my mood. I became a little paranoid a week before Christmas, when I fell on a patch of ice and sprained my arm. While I am relieved that the injury was only minor, I still feel anxious whenever I go outside to deal with the icy walking and driving conditions. Like so many of you, the heavy winds, shorter days, and less sunlight makes me wish I could hibernate all winter long. Since that is not practical or healthy, I have found other ways to prevent the cold from making me physically and emotionally immobile.

1. I make sure to get outside during the day, even if it is for a few minutes at a time. If I don't make it outside when the sun is shining, I feel lethargic. When the sunshine is obscured by clouds or fog throughout the day, then the next step is essential for me to combat sluggishness.

2. Everyone knows exercise is key for overall health. I try to run up and down stairs or do jumping jacks if I don't have a chance to do a proper work out, and it can be for 5-10 minutes several times a day. I find that it is helpful when I am working in front of my laptop for long periods of time. No fancy exercise equipment required!

3. Doing something new at least once a week is very important to me too. It doesn't have to be expensive, time consuming, or anything too elaborate; as long as I gain a new experience, it's completely worth it. I recently attended a free cooking competition between two top chefs, which I had never done before. I have also visited previously unseen parks, window-shopped at new stores, and seen unique movies and musical performances I find online that seem interesting. I just like how new stimuli keeps me interested in the outside world, even when the weather can be a big obstacle.

What do you do to combat the winter cold?

Salary Negotiations and Self Confidence

I recently learned the importance of negotiation, especially when it comes to salary. When I received a job offer letter from a small company offering a part-time position that will become full-time after a month, it looked good to me at first. Then, my eyes scanned down to the hourly rate listed, and I knew I had to start negotiating. While I understand that most companies of all sizes have had to downsize due to the lingering consequences of the recession, I knew immediately that I could not accept the offer as is.


From all that I have read and know from firsthand knowledge about salary negotiations, I am aware that many job seekers won't even attempt to start the process, which should happen right after an offer is made by a potential employer. Sometimes those who have been looking for employment for an extended period of time may be prone to jump on the first opportunity to come their way. I have different circumstances; I work as a consultant for several companies, and while I am open to a full-time position, it has to be something that will justify me giving up (or cutting down) on my other work projects. The position I was recently offered did not convince me to make any changes, because they are only willing to go up $1 an hour, and they are not offering any benefits.


My advice to anyone in this situation is to always see if there is any "wiggle room" in a job offer. If an increase in salary is not possible or not as high as you would like it to be, then a prospective employer may be open to other options, such as offering public transportation reimbursement, parking fees or a health insurance plan with varying levels of coverage. When I was negotiating my salary, I calculated how much my daily travel expenses to and from the location would be, and the result is one of the reasons why I decided not to accept the position.


I knew that if I accepted their terms with no hesitations, I would not be able to respect myself. I also think my would-be employer would have continued to undervalue me, knowing that I am willing to work for so little from the very beginning. Ultimately, I walked away from negotiations with my head held high, knowing that I made the right decision. Thankfully, I handled myself well enough that they are considering me for a per diem position, which I can definitely live with.


Do you have any salary negotiation stories to share?

My Vegan Challenge

For almost two weeks now, I have been existing on a vegan diet. Why? Well, I have a variety of reasons for making the change, all of which stem from my wanting to avoid prescription drugs with side effects that can be worse than the actual ailments. After doing extensive research for several months, I decided to take the plunge by trying out the vegan lifestyle for at least one month. So far, I am not missing animal products of any kind.

My vegan challenge includes omitting all oil as well, which has been a big hurdle for me. When eating salads at home or in restaurants, I always chose oil and vinegar as my regular dressing; now I make my oil free options at home, and avoid eating meals out. I still go to cafés armed with my laptop, but now I make sure to eat before I go so I am not tempted to buy pastries or savory items to accompany my herbal tea drinks, which I order iced during these scorching hot summer days.

Making sure not to munch on anything three hours before bedtime has also been difficult; I love snacking whenever I can, so I make sure to stay hydrated and eat filling, nutritious food throughout the day to avoid succumbing to my cravings at night. My reliance on a variety of vegetables, fruits, beans, nuts, rice, oats, and other healthy starches make me feel lighter, even though my main goal isn't weight loss. All I want is overall good health, and I think I am on the right track.

Depending on how things go during the month, I may decide to stay a vegan. To make it work, I have to plan ahead and maintain discipline. I tend to be disorganized and lazy, so the long term challenge will be to change these bad habits to make veganism work for me. It is definitely not going to be easy, but I will continue to try to make it work.

Good luck to all of you out there who are trying to make positive lifestyle changes!

Remembering Uncle

It started off as a normal day this Monday, April 29. I was working on my computer when I started getting messages from my best friend, telling me that her father was not doing well. He had serious medical issues for years, and had just come back from the hospital several weeks earlier after suffering a heart attack and other complications. I thought at first the outcome of this visit would be the same as the last time; he would be released under my best friend’s supervision and return to his home in Delhi. But the messages became more troubling, and then finally, I got word that he was no more. I remember staring at my phone for at least a minute, in shock at first, and then remembering.

Dev Uncle was my best friend’s father and family friend. I just called him “Uncle” (never Dev) as I did other men in my family and friend circles in the Indian community from the older generations. Of all the other people in my life, I felt that he was more of an uncle to me than most of my blood-related uncles. I met him almost 16 years ago when I first started becoming friends with his daughter. From the beginning, I was struck by how kind and gentle he was with me. He genuinely liked me as his daughter’s friend, and then like an honorary niece or other younger family member. When I went to visit my best friend, I always looked forward to seeing Uncle, even if it was for just a few minutes, because I had no positive father figure to speak of up until that point. Being in his presence was like a comforting balm on my soul at a time when I desperately needed it.

To tell the truth, I knew just the basic facts of Uncle’s life. I knew he was an engineer with a successful career in New Jersey, and was able to travel to many countries during his lifetime. I also knew the sad fact that he suddenly became a widower as a younger man, with two small children left to his charge. Like all of us, he struggled with what life threw at him, and persevered as best as he could. What I do know and will always remember about Uncle is how he used to pronounce my name in his gentle voice, and how much he loved long walks, visits from his friends, and more than anything, his children.

I will always miss Uncle, but I am glad he is no longer suffering from the many ailments that plagued him in life. He is at peace, and that makes me smile.

Confessions on Tax Day

Yes, the deadline for filing tax returns is finally here. It was my original plan to complete the process before April, but due to my out-of-state move, an increase in my work load, and other complications, I did not get to finish it until last week. To be completely honest, I dread tax season, and I am glad it is coming to an end today. I always get more anxious than I probably need to be, especially right before I find out how much I have to pay (or not pay) in taxes. Last year I had to pay a sizeable amount to the federal government; this year was much better.

This year also marks a change on how I handle taxes; I decided to pre-pay taxes quarterly this year, due to my status as a contractor and being responsible to deduct the amount myself. It should make next year’s tax return filing a more stress-free experience, or at least I hope so. For me, splitting the tax amount in four installments is better than paying it all in one lump sum later on. I have already marked my calendar for the remaining three deadlines this year, so I will be ready to mail my voucher and check to the U.S. Treasury each quarter.

So while I breathe a sigh of relief as the tax season comes to end, I wonder about millions of my fellow Americans on this day of financial reckoning. Have any of you waited until the last minute, or did you file your returns soon after receiving your W2s or 1099s? Do you have big plans for your tax refund checks?

See you next year, Tax Day. I will be better prepared to face you the next time around!

Hello 2013!

Happy New Year to all of you who have checked in with CHICKS ROCK! since its launch in 2008! I will speak for my fellow bloggers as well as myself by expressing my hope that you all had a happy holiday season.

I don't know about any of you, but I was deeply shaken by many events that took place in 2012. The horrific shooting in Newtown, Connecticut, the brutal rape and death of a young woman in Delhi that received international attention, and the repercussions of Hurricane Sandy in the Northeastern U.S. affected me for a variety of reasons, but particularly because I have personal knowledge of the places involved. I know that those who have suffered and continue to do so are no better or worse than I am, and that I am not immune to their horrors. Instead of becoming deeply paranoid, I am focusing even more on the simple pleasures of daily life, while remaining humble and sympathetic to those far and near who are going through difficult times. It is one of my many New Year's resolutions to maintain this balance, because it is too easy to get too self-involved or to become obsessed with everyone else's issues while avoiding your own.

I am looking forward to the year ahead, and hope that there will be more progress rather than setbacks in my own life, as well as in the world around me.

What are your expectations for 2013?

Forgive But Never Forget

Since childhood, I have heard how important it is to forgive and forget, but like most people I do have a problem with following through with it. I am an easy going person, which often gives the impression that I can be taken advantage of, but I am also very observant and have a long memory, and will defend myself when someone tries to cross the line with me. I can forgive those transgressions, even if the other person is unapologetic. I do this by not holding a grudge and just having better manners overall. The forgetting part is something I do not think is necessary or right. Why should I forget the situation if it has taught me a valuable lesson? Forgetting makes it possible for the transgressed to be wronged many more times in the future.

I think this particularly true in abusive relationships; forgiving abusive behavior has to be reciprocated by the permanent end of that behavior through whatever means necessary. I have family and friends who have told me they forgave a significant other or family member for their mental and/or physical abuse, but it almost always re-occurs, and often worse than it was before. As a child and teenager I was often the target of bullies, both in my own family and at school, and have never forgotten what I went through. I believe that is the reason why I am not subject to that behavior as an adult, which I am grateful for. I convey this message to those who are still being victimized; my advice is usually not taken, but I feel good knowing that I have shared my feelings about these particular situations.

What your thoughts on forgiveness? Do you think forgetting the situation is key to the process of letting go?

When My World Stopped

On Election Day last week, I went through one of the scariest moments of my life, which almost prevented me from voting that day. When most people were wondering if President Obama would be re-elected or not, my siblings and I were dealing with my Mom’s sudden medical emergency on her way to California to visit my sister and brother-in-law, which caused her plane to be diverted to Denver, Colorado so she could receive immediate medical attention. I almost fainted when an airline attendant called me from my Mom’s cell phone to tell me what was happening. I heard the paramedics in the background talking to my Mom and to each other as they prepared to take her off the plane as I kept asking if I could talk to her. Finally, the flight attendant told me she unconscious, which is when I almost dropped the phone. It was then that my world stopped; all I cared about was my Mom.

While I was calling the hospital and the airline to trace my Mom’s luggage as she requested, I heard news on the radio and TV about people standing on long lines around the region to vote, which was just background noise to me at the time. I only made it to the polls five minutes before they closed, and that was only when I knew she would be released from the hospital and checked in to a nice hotel arranged and paid for by the airline that night. If the situation wasn’t resolved that day, I would not have cared if I missed the chance to cast my ballot. I think anyone in a similar situation with a loved one would feel the same.

Thankfully, my story had a happy ending, but I know I am no better than those with in similar situations with unfortunate conclusions. I am grateful that Mom is OK, and hope to avoid anything like it again, if possible.

Can you multi-task when uncertain and scary personal situations strike?

Careful Correspondence

I was recently involved in a confusing situation at work, which involved an email I sent to provide guidance being misunderstood and causing the recipient to take offense. While that was not my intention, I can see why the tone of my correspondence was misconstrued. My company stood behind me, while at the same time suggesting I be more aware of my tone in my emails. I agree that this is something that I must do (as do most of us), especially since most of our interpersonal interactions happen via email, text, and social media. I decided to analyze my actions further so I do not make the same mistakes in the future.

First, I think understanding where the other person/party is coming from before getting into specific details is important. I only had one conversation with my now former client and his wife, and noticed the latter was much more talkative. I also discovered that they had different goals in mind than those provided by their company. This particular point should have made me contact my supervisor directly to alert her of this discrepancy immediately. While I did report the issue, I did not emphasize its seriousness to my company. While I am glad not to have brought it up during my conversation with the couple, I should have paused to clear up the confusion immediately with my company before moving forward.

I also wish I contacted my supervisor about an email she sent me to forward to the client about a sensitive matter. Because I went ahead and sent the email without realizing how it may be interpreted, I put myself in an awkward situation. I believe I should not have been given the task, because it was an issue to be settled between my company's and my client’s companies’ managerial and human resources departments. I will remember this in the future should a similar situation arise.

I am glad the situation is over, but others always arise to present new challenges. How do you handle the challenges of maintaining careful correspondence?

The Ups And Downs of Public Speaking

Watching the second presidential debate last night made me think about my own public speaking skills. Like many others, I have trouble expressing myself effectively in front of a crowd. I notice that President Obama, Mitt Romney and many other politicians running for public office do not answer the main thesis of certain questions when put on the spot during debates; this annoys me, but I think I may have been guilty of something similar in the past. I certainly hope I have improved my ability to get to the point and not drone on like some people do. The art of public speaking really is all about being concise and focused when giving a speech or answering questions.

My ups and downs with public speaking started when I was in elementary school. Each time I had to give a speech on a topic, my resolve to do well would crumble when the class bully would make faces and mutter snide comments to make me feel uncomfortable. When my ineffectual teachers would ask me questions in front of my classmates about the points made during my speech, I would give clumsy answers and prove that I wanted to be anywhere but in front of them. I retreated further into my shell, not wanting to raise my hand to answer a question in class when I knew the answer or have anyone take notice of me at all.

I began to break the cycle in college when I took a public speaking course that forced me to face my fears. My professor encouraged us to use our strengths to make us more comfortable with oral communication in our personal and professional lives. I think this class made it easier to speak to a group of overseas-bound ESL teachers about my experience in Indonesia, and later for my sister’s wedding. I am my own worst critic, but I think I did reasonably well in those two situations.

I would love to hear your thoughts on the art of public speaking!

Renovations And Revelations

Since last month, I have been working with a contractor who is finishing renovations on an apartment in New York City that my family owns. It was something I did not expect to take the lead on, but I have enjoyed the process overall. There was some stress when it came to deadlines on choosing a bathroom vanity and light fixtures for the bathroom and kitchen by certain dates, but I have enjoyed imagining what the completed apartment will look like when everything is done. Before the renovations began, the apartment had a leaky faucet, dark walls that made the space feel smaller than it is, and an uncomfortably small kitchen. Now the plumbing has been completely re-done, the walls are a sunny yellow color, and the kitchen is part of an open floor plan that flows into the living room. It is a great space now, and I am glad to have contributed to making it that way.

While I am planning to live there, it will not be forever; every choice I made is in mind to increase the value of the apartment if it has to be sold in the near future, which is likely. I followed a budget, which was the hardest thing to do when prices of certain items were higher than I wanted them to be. Thankfully, the contractor I worked with guided me in the right direction by providing various options and price points on things like kitchen countertops, appliances, and refurbishing the bathtub instead of replacing it. I am grateful that he did his job so well AND educated me about what to pay attention to during the renovations.

The refrigerator has yet to be delivered, and there a few final details that need to be completed, but I can safely say the bulk of the work is done. I look forward to enjoying the apartment while I still have it, and will look forward to renovations’ projects that come my way in the future.

Do renovations’ projects put you off, or do you welcome the challenges they bring?

See You Next Wednesday!

Pauline is beseiged with work and and not feeling well, so she hopes you take this opportunity to catch up on some of her old posts.
  
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Memories Of A Muslim Country

The violence which first erupted last week in response to a contentious anti-Muslim film brings up memories of Indonesia for me. I never saw chaos on the streets of Jakarta or elsewhere in the country, nor did I experience any anti-Western sentiment from those I worked with and lived near to, but I do remember how deeply devout some of my Muslim Indonesian friends and acquaintances were and still are, and how they never made me feel out of place because I was not a Muslim. At shopping malls and all other public places, there are rooms for washing before and after prayers, usually near the restrooms, and rooms for prayer. The daily call for prayer never made me feel uncomfortable; instead I always felt peaceful. I lived in a Muslim country and was not treated like an infidel; I made friends with Muslims and Christians alike, and both groups easily mixed with each other.

When I first heard about the riot outside of the U.S. Embassy in Jakarta, Indonesia, I must admit that it made my blood run cold for a moment; when I heard there was no violence or bloodshed (to date, I have not heard of any) I felt better. I visited this location several times, and always found it a calm place each time I was there, even when I was stressed out about my visa or some other matter. I knew of some anti-Western sentiment, but it never touched me directly. Of course, being of Indian descent may have helped me considerably, because in countries like Indonesia, being white equals being Western most of the time. It is only when I open my mouth to speak that my American accent reveals who I really am, which sometimes confused the Indonesian people I met and even my family members from India. Unlike the latter, the former never tried to make me feel uneasy about my unusual accent and Western identity.

I hate stereotypes of all kinds, and I am just happy to have the experiences of living outside of them, in this country and abroad. I would like to hear more moderate and measured voices between the extremist ones from the West and the East. Is that too much to ask for? Perhaps for now, it is.

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Divorce And Taking Sides

My parents are finally getting a divorce, and now that the proceedings have started and it is public knowledge, the reactions from family and friends have shown me who really cares about us and who does not. These revelations have made me stronger, and I feel liberated knowing the truth. For one thing, I am reminded that the ones who are truly there for my family and me are not always those who are related to us by blood.

The paternal side of my family continues to shun my mother, my siblings, and me by saying nothing at all. It is so true that silence speaks volumes, and in this case, it is not a surprise to me. My aunts and uncles from this particular branch of my family have never really approved of us, because we did not attend their church and subscribe to their particular view of the world. Ultimately, I will never feel bad about this because I have always been polite to them and loving to their children, as are my mother, brother and sister. The maternal side of my family has been mostly positive and kind to us, even though divorce is taboo in my parents’ culture as a whole. I do not resent the side of my family that turned their backs on us, because I know we did nothing to deserve it. I will always care about my cousins regardless of their parents’ feelings and attitudes, and know I have at least one aunt from my paternal branch who is sympathetic to my mother's difficult situation to some degree.

My friends have been very supportive, even those who come from cultures, religious backgrounds, and family structures that look down on divorce. They continue to show my family and me unconditional support and good will, and know when to dish out the constructive criticism I need if I find myself regressing rather than progressing in my life. I feel lucky, because I know there are too many people in the world who do not have enough emotional support during the most difficult periods in their lives, and feel isolated and in despair as a result.

Have you been shocked when family and/or friends shunned you during the worst times in your life? If so, how did you handle the situation?

Battling The September Blues

Every year after Labor Day weekend, I usually feel somewhat let down. Summer is unofficially over, and soon the days will be shorter and colder. The school traffic across the street from my mother’s house takes over the area between 8:00 AM to 9:00 AM and 2:00 PM to 3:30 PM, with unscrupulous drivers double parking and blocking driveways during these times. This shift from summer to fall is the most uncomfortable for me, but I do find different coping mechanisms that help me make the transition easier.

First, I always try to make time outdoors. The problem I face sometimes is when I go to work in the morning and leave in the late afternoon/evening hours, when the sun is set or on its way to setting for the day. This dampens my mood, as I am sure it does for others. So I always try to spend a little time outdoors, whether it means leaving earlier, or getting off the bus, train or subway a stop or two before my intended destination so I can take in a little sun on good weather days.

Exercise really does help get me going too. When I do exercise, I always feel elated for the rest of the day. It must be the endorphins that are released during physical activity, which I find generate positive feelings within me. I freely admit that making exercise a part of my daily routine is challenging, but when I do it really boosts my physical and emotional health.

Finally, I think my eating habits also help me deal with the change of seasons in a much more productive way. I find that buying local and seasonal produce more often assists me in getting used to the changes in the days and the weather from summer to fall. For example, if I find apples from Chile versus apples from Northeastern U.S., I will always choose those from the latter category.

How do you deal with the change in seasons?

Looking Back At High School*

This piece was originally posted on February 15, 2012. It is being re-posted as part of our CHICKS ROCK! Summer Retrospective, during which we will post a combination of new content and posts from the past. Enjoy!

I just received notification from the high school I graduated from regarding an alumni publication, requesting information and photos of me to include in it. I usually ignore most mail I get from the school, but I actually thought of calling the phone number provided and telling them to remove any mention of me. Why? Because my high school experience was not a good one, and it did not help that my parents paid good money for me to attend the institution. My elementary and middle school experiences were far worse than those I had in high school, but I did expect more from the latter, especially since my tuition increased every year while the quality of my education decreased. Most of my teachers were mediocre at best, with the exception of one who made me look forward to college.

The harsh treatment of the school administration towards my class during our senior year was what made me decide to never have anything to do with the school after graduation. The principal at the time decided to punish us for the bad behavior of the previous senior class, which led to deep resentments; it was as if a black cloud loomed over us until we graduated. I even remember that many people did not go to prom that year, and I was one of them.

Because my academic experiences before my undergraduate education were sorely lacking, I appreciate good teachers and school administrators even more, whether they are found in public and private schools. I started loving education when I went to college, because I met more educators who knew how to teach, and took classes that were both difficult and interesting at the same time. I really felt like a butterfly that had been a caterpillar for far too long before then.

I may just ignore the notification from my former high school in protest of the bad education I received from them. Perhaps that is best.

Dreaming In Reality*

This piece was originally posted on July 21, 2010. It is being re-posted as part of our CHICKS ROCK! Summer Retrospective, during which we will post a combination of new content and posts from the past. Enjoy!

I am like many others who often think that many of my problems will disappear once I achieve some level of personal or financial stability. I was thinking the other day about owning my own house, and how everything else will fall into place once that happens; I shook myself out of that reverie once I realized how fanciful my thoughts wered. It is always good to dream, and it is my opinion that those who claim that they don‘t are either lying or have given up on life. At the same time, we should not live primarily to dream. Life is messy, and the things we dream about may not always come to be, but sometimes this is for the best.

I once knew someone who told everyone that she wanted her future husband to be tall, dark, and handsome. She couldn't imagine anything different from the image she had in her mind, so when she first met the man she would eventually marry, she did not think of him as “husband material.” Eventually her fantasy of the perfect man changed as she learned more about his good qualities, and everyone who knows her can see she is with the right person; maturity and reality became her guides as she shed her unrealistic dreams of perfection.

Not all dreams should be significantly altered or given up completely; being successful at a career you love is entirely possible, even if there are obstacles on this ascending path. I just think that we as human beings should learn to adapt to the ever changing flow of life. Sometimes what we dream of changes completely or becomes a reality in ways we never would have imagined. I also think that as we work toward making our lives better we should enjoy moments in the present. I don‘t mean to be ominous, but none of us really know how long we have in this life! Finding happiness in the present is important as we move forward to an uncertain future.

Do you agree with my thoughts on dreams and reality?

Raves for TWM's First Book Club*

This piece was originally posted on June 24, 2009. It is being re-posted as part of our CHICKS ROCK! Summer Retrospective, during which we will post a combination of new content and posts from the past. Enjoy!

On June 17, several women gathered together to discuss Indu Sundaresan’s The Twentieth Wife for the first ever TWM Sizzling Summer Book Club meeting. I was fortunate to be one of them, and I am not just saying this because I am affiliated with TWM. I was pleasantly surprised at the instant rapport my fellow book clubbers and I forged as we discussed women’s roles during the height of the Mughal Empire in the Indian subcontinent as we snacked on Italian sweets at Veniero's in New York City’s Lower East Side.

The historical novel is built around a real woman named Mehrunnissa (which means “Sun of Women”), her Persian family, and their lasting impact on the Mughal emperors Akbar and Jahangir. From the title of the book and from history, we all knew the main character would eventually become Nur Jahan, the wife of Jahangir. That fact didn’t take away from the enjoyment we all had from reading about Mehrunnissa’s journey, which Sundaresan created so vividly on the page. We discussed how women exerted their power and influence in the Mughal court, while still having to remain in the shadows as men publicly dominated the world. The discussion took an interesting turn when we discussed how women’s subjugation of one another in history is also alive and well today, which is an unfortunate and sobering reality we all have to deal with.

Even though I love books, I have never been a part of a book club before. I am glad I chose TWM’s as my first. While we definitely bonded over the book, I believe that the friendliness, openness and intelligence of my fellow book club members made it worthwhile. It is refreshing to meet people who love reading and self-discovery through the process. I also feel that my love for reading has been renewed because of the positive group interaction I experienced. I hope the other participants feel the same.

July’s theme is Women and Travel, so I am really looking forward to reading TWM’s book selection. Yes, I am a bibliophile, and proud of it!