Women and Trust

It has been hard to escape recent news reports of women who have been attacked, kidnapped, and/or killed by someone they knew and may have trusted. Like most people, I often feel removed from these stories, because we take for granted that such dastardly crimes could ever happen to us or those in our immediate circle. While we shouldn’t live in fear and paranoia all the time, we should always be aware of our surroundings and the people around us.

I try to follow my instincts when walking and driving through dangerous and isolated places, and if possible I avoid these areas all together. It is bad enough when I hear about women being followed and attacked by strangers as they wait for buses, or walk into their homes, offices, and parking lots, but when I hear about anyone who is killed by those they know, I am always shocked and saddened. In my mind, stories like these all lead to something many of us gives away too freely, and that is trust. Women tend to give their trust to those who haven’t earned it, which I truly believe is a serious flaw with my gender.

Traditionally, women have been taught to give more than they get, to put others’ needs ahead of their own, and to mistrust their instincts, even if it means putting themselves in detrimental situations. When I hear about women who are attacked by people they know, I wonder if they were aware that something was wrong before the worst happened. Did they ignore their instincts because they convinced themselves they were over-reacting?

I have been guilty of giving my trust away too easily to people who didn’t do anything to deserve it, but thankfully the consequences I suffered were only minor. I have learned from my mistakes, and now I make sure not to trust anyone who makes me feel uncomfortable, even if others around me don’t feel the same way.

Do you agree that women tend to be too trusting?

Friends & Family

A while back, a group of friends started talking about how great it would be to road trip across the country in the next year. As our excitement grew, we realized that in order to make this happen, we would need to do actual planning. We started with the most obvious question: who was going on this trip? I don't remember what names were thrown around, but I do remember what somebody said: "this is just for friends, so don't bring your sisters."

It's not that I felt they were picking on me, or that I was insulted at the idea that they wouldn't want my sisters there... it's the way the sentence itself was structured. Apparently "just friends" means "no sisters," but why?

My sisters are my friends. They are not just people I talk to from time to time and see on holidays. We know our personalities better than anybody else and we know how to give each other support when nobody else can. We talk about family, friends, relationships, careers, sex, etc. I don't know about you, but that seems like the definition of a great friendship to me.

Perhaps I'm bothered by this because my sisters and I haven't always been friends. For the better part of our lives, we were not close at all. I might even go so far as to say that we didn't really like one another all that much. Sure, we enjoyed spending time together and we certainly loved each other. But we did not confide in each other, nor did we spend hours upon hours talking about everything and nothing at all. It wasn't until fairly recently that the three of us really started to develop a friendship to go along with our sisterhood.

So I don't know if my sisters will end up going on this trip (or if the trip is even happening), but I'm happy I realized that my sisters are my best friends. It took a while to get here, but I wouldn't have it any other way.

What a Girl Wants....Love Me

This summer I've been contributing to a series of blog conversations with other women writers on diversity in teen literature. The topic we wrote on last week had to do with socioeconomic diversity. I posted about this series once before, so I'm not going to belabor it, but any writers (or readers) interested in diversity would do well to pop in and take a gander at this dynamic discussion.

Last week's topic was inspired by a photo essay entitled LOVE ME by award-winning photojournalist Maisie Crow. I want to call your attention to that today. These images, and the story they tell, are disturbing and soulful and screaming pretty loud from their stillness. They are well worth the time it takes to flip through, if you can stand to have your heart broken.

I can't look at these pictures without feeling the weight of everything that's wrong in the world. The worst bit isn't the poverty, either. It's the air of despair, of defeat, hanging over it all. I don't know if what's missing for this girl is education, or access, or self-esteem, or simply the chance to look in a mirror and see something other than closed doors all around. I wish I could hand her something better than hopelessness.

I count myself lucky to be far removed from the sorts of experiences that are playing out in the life of this girl, Autumn. I spend a lot of time in an intellectual and creative space, secure in the love of my family, my strength and independence, and all the possibilities of the future. It aches my heart that this can't be true of every young woman. Everyone has problems, yeah, but somehow images like this put a lot into perspective for me. It makes me want to reach out. It makes me want to try harder to change the world in the miniscule ways I might be able to. It makes me want to write more and live better and dream harder, on behalf of those who don't have the freedom to.

What do you feel, after seeing Autumn's story?

[Above photo copyright Maisie Crow]

Friday Forum: Comfort Zone

Last week, we asked you how you celebrate accomplishments or milestones in your life.

This week, we want to know what you do to comfort yourself when things get rough. Are there certain people, places, or activities you gravitate towards during hard times? What is it that makes those important to you?

Link Love for 9/24

Let's round out the last Thursday this month with more link love! Be sure to leave links in the comments.

In Good Company wants you to consider, who would be on your board if you had one?

One Writeous Chick is thinking about healing through our creativity, telling everyone to be a bruise.

Savvy Ladies lets us know about some big money-wasters we all have creeping in our finances.

Small Strokes takes a look at seeing blogging as a social act vs. social good; a great read for writers and activists alike.

What do you have to share? What have you all been reading and writing?

Rediscovering My Personal Vision

After waiting for almost an hour for my bus on a Saturday morning in Manhattan, I finally made it to my first TWM Visioning Workshop. The moment I sat down, I immediately felt at ease; the chaos I just went through earlier lost its significance. After Kristina greeted us and shared her personal experiences, we began working on our collages by clearing our minds through meditation. It is hard for me to clear my thoughts and relax, but I felt the anxiety and stress of the day slowly melt away.

I haven’t even attempted to do something like a collage since my days as an eighth grader in a rundown, overpriced Catholic school. I was eager to reconnect with the pre-teen in me who loved using my glue, scissors, and pencils to create something. None of us spoke when we were working on the different steps to create our collages, which we later wrote about it in our journals. Each of us remained focused and worked quietly to create visual expressions of ourselves, our dreams, and hopes for the future.

While I used a combination of images and words in my collage, others relied on one or the other to reveal themselves in a variety of ways, like Kekla who only used pictures to create her collage. My final product may not be the most visually stunning of the bunch, but it accurately reflects my past and current inspirations, my confusion about life, and my optimism about the future. When I shared my collage with the group, I realized that it turned out exactly right.

Without the meditation, breathing, and journal writing, the collage would have just been a half-hearted art project. With all of these elements together, it made for a meaningful experience that I hope to repeat in the future. Many of the participants I met have attended past TWM Visioning Workshops, and now I know why.

Couplings

In the years that my guy and I have been together, we've started to notice an annoying trend: being treated as one unit. I suppose this is one of those things that a lot of people like -- being a "we" instead of a "me" and that whole "you complete me" thing. But I'm not that way. At all. And, thankfully, my guy isn't that way either.

So for us, it's irritating when people assume we do everything together or need approval from each other or don't have an identity separate from one another.

This is particularly the case for people who have known us primarily since we've been together. People probably met us as a couple or got to know us while we were hanging out together rather than separately. I guess that, for them, it's hard to single one person out from the other if most of their interactions are with us together. I find this to be a bit lazy as far as social interactions go, but I suppose I can at least understand it.

What's even more annoying is when it comes from people who should know better. These are the people who knew us before we were in a relationship. They were able to interact with us as individuals long before there was somebody else to get to know. Yet they expect us to agree on everything and express shock and dismay when we make plans independently of one another.

Don't get me wrong, it's not that we never do anything together or that we don't confide in each other. But we don't seem to meet people's expectations about being in a long-term relationship.

I'm not sure where this stems from in our society. Is the expectation really that two individuals will suddenly meld to become one person if they are in a relationship? Am I missing something?

The Little Leaps

I stumbled upon a magazine feature in which celebrities responded to questions about faith. They each offered sound bites about a spiritual experience, or moment when faith came alive for them. I was intrigued by this conversation, as it’s something that’s often on my mind. I hear many practitioners of religion say that faith is about trusting in something that cannot be seen or proven. Yet, somehow that unproveable, intangible thing must be felt, right? Otherwise, how do we, as people, keep throwing ourselves toward beliefs that can’t be proven, and what is it that makes us feel that we’re believing in the right direction?

This quote from Faith Adiele, author of Meeting Faith: The Forest Journals of a Black Buddhist Nun, struck a chord with me. “Every time I act without knowing the outcome, with the risk of failure looming before me, I try to see that as a spiritual moment. Every time I transcend my limitations or touch something larger than myself: one step closer.”

I never articulated it this way, but lately I’m making such acts all the time. Leaving a steady job to pursue writing, sticking with it despite the bleak economy, writing what I care about over what will earn the most. I recently commented to a friend that I feel validated in this pursuit when the world answers me in small ways, whether it be a good review, or a letter from a reader, or an invitation to speak. Sometimes I need those small tokens of approval to know I’m on the right track. But my friend seemed distressed by this, saying that I shouldn’t need to be validated by the outside world, as long as I know in my heart that I’m doing what I love. Conceptually, that sounded right to me, and I worried about it. Do I not have enough faith in myself?

In reality, though, every time I take one of these little leaps I am putting faith in myself, but also in God or the universe or the world around me, to catch me before I fall.

Friday Forum: Celebrate Good Times

As you all know, CHICKS ROCK! had its first blogiversary this week. This has got us thinking a bit about celebrations.

How do you celebrate milestones? Whether it's a birthday, holiday, and anniversary, or accomplishing a goal -- what is your favorite way to celebrate?

Visioning Workshop This Saturday

It's that time again -- time for another Visioning Workshop. If you've been feeling lost lately and looking for some direction, or just want to spend some time getting to know yourself better, the Visioning Workshop this Saturday is a great chance to do so. You can read about what some of us have gotten out of them in the past, and then be sure to RSVP to this next one. Hope to see some of you there!

VISIONING WORKSHOP: Using Your Creativity and Intuition to Gain Clarity, Find Focus and Manifest Your Dreams!
Saturday, September 19, 2009 11am - 5pm

Feeling a little confused with all that's going on with your career and the economy? Not sure what to do next with your life? Maybe your just a bit unsatisfied overall but can't exactly pinpoint what it is...

Our Visioning Workshop can help you sort it all out!

Come to our popular and powerful semi-annual workshop for a creative, transformative afternoon where you will make a collage to manifest your heart's desire - and you may be surprised as to what that turns out to be. It's not unusual for participants to start new businesses, relationships, families or career paths as quickly as weeks or months after the workshop.

If you are looking for both answers and results to help figure out where you are right now in your life and where you want to go next, this could be thing exact thing you need to push you forward and take you there.

COST:
TWM Members: $65 advance, $75 at the door
Non-members: $110 advance, $125 at the door
***TWM Members can bring a friend at the Member Rate.***
NOTE: RSVP is required to christianna@thewomensmosaic.org

Click here for more info.

My Two Cents on Health Insurance

Like most people out there, I have read and seen all the articles, speeches, and TV news reports about the health insurance crisis in the United States. I watched Michael Moore’s Sicko as objectively as I could, comparing the pros and cons of insurance programs in other countries with the system in my own homeland. I can honestly say that I really don’t know what the right answer is for Americans like me who are in between jobs, freelancing, and working for companies that don’t provide health insurance to their employees. If you are lucky enough to have a 100% stable position with comprehensive benefits that cover hospital costs, doctors’ visits, ambulance rides, x-rays, and all the other aspects of health care coverage that we often forget about.

I just acquired an individual health care plan after exhaustive research, discussions with people I trust, and compromise. Why compromise? I realized that I had to make a choice and spend more per month than I planned to, but I don’t regret my choice, and thankfully, I can afford it. I know there are many that can’t, so I count myself fortunate. Now that I am insured, I feel relieved; at least I have some financial protection for any health-related issues that may come up in the future. I even purchased a dental plan, because it is something I have taken for granted in the past.

We all have different ideas about which direction the U.S. should go when it comes to health insurance reform. Should we have a government option? Should we keep things the way they are? Can the prices of private health insurance plans be regulated so those who aren’t fortunate enough to be insured through an employer don’t have to think twice before getting medical treatment? I don’t know what the answers are, but what I do believe is that health insurance companies shouldn’t play God with our lives.

How are you affected by health care and insurance?

One Year Later...

One year ago today, TWM hosted a launch party for a new program that would provide a vehicle for women to share their experiences related to diversity and personal growth. That program was this blog, CHICKS ROCK! Since then Kekla, Pauline, and I have written every week about what's going on in our lives and our reflections on the world around us.

In the past year, I've gotten to know my co-bloggers better. We all seem to share a clutter-bug gene and between the three of us, we may very well be able to open up a library from all the books we own. Reading about their travel experiences, as well as the experiences our guest bloggers have shared, inspired me to go on my upcoming trip abroad. And though all three of us are women of color, our individual cultural experiences are varied, so there is much to learn.

Writing here has also been a great way to learn more about myself. It's given me a chance to look back and try to figure out how much I've learned from the past. I've also realized how many possibilities are ahead of me. At any given point in time, there are many paths we can all take, and navigating that on a public platform such as this makes me feel less alone and more supported by others.

I think it's important to remember that this is what TWM's work is all about: promoting personal growth and giving women a chance to educate and inspire each other. We really do feel empowered when we can speak our minds and share our experiences with one another. And from that, we can start to get through some of the walls we put up around ourselves and move forward together.

As we look to the next year, we want to have more voices represented in the comments and especially from guest bloggers. We want to keep using this space to learn and grow, but we certainly can't do that without all of you.

So start now! What have you gotten out of the blog? What have you learned about yourself or others?

A Bibliophile's Nightmare

It has come to my attention that I have too many books. On a practical level I understand that this is a problem--my apartment is literally (ha) overrun with books. Not good. But on a spiritual level I can't understand what it means to have too many books, let alone imagine parting with them. It's a pretty serious problem, and one that I need to solve soon!

Top five reasons why I should keep the books:
1. I love them. I love being surrounded by them, the way they look and feel and smell, whether read or unread.
2. It's part of my job as a writer to read a lot.
3. I have lots of books I haven't read; I want to read them.
4. I do re-read my books. Frequently.
5. The books I've chosen to bring home, and those I've read, are pieces of my bibliography, my autobiography, in a way that has meaning for me. Walk into my home and browse my shelves and you will know immediately what I value and what interests me, and how do I begin to tear that apart?

Top five reasons why I should part with many of them:
1. I don't have enough space. Period.
2. Books should be shared! Others could be enjoying them.
3. If I've had a book for five years and not read it yet, am I really ever going to?
4. If I read one but didn't like it, what is it still doing as part of my library?
5. If a stack of them falls on me, I could suffocate and die. This has happened to people.

I know it should be an easy thing to do. They're just books after all. (Full disclosure: I shuddered while I typed that last sentence.) I've been working really hard to clear clutter from my living space and from my life, but what I've realized in the process is that I'm willing and eager to get rid of all kinds of other possessions to make room for books.

What's a girl to do?

Friday Forum: Our Memories

As all of you know, today's Friday Forum falls on the anniversary of 9/11, so we want to take a moment to honor the lives lost not only on that day, but every day, by asking how do you remember the loved ones who have died?

Whether it's a friend, relative, acquaintance, or neighbor -- what are the ways you keep them in your memories?

Link Love for 9/10

Time for our next link love roundup! Remember to leave a link in the comments with what you've read or written lately so folks can check it out -- doesn't need to be a blog post, any article will do.

In Good Company takes a look at funding models that are not just about the company or the product, but the people.

Girl w/Pen reports that stereotype threat is still a factor in math and science for women and girls.

NYWSE Chapter Blog wants us all to think twice about multi-tasking because it might be doing more harm than good.

Lindsey Pollak has a great piece highlighting Gen Y's strengths rather than their assumed weaknesses.

One Writeous Chick watched Julie & Julia and shared the lessons she learned from it -- it's enough to make us want to watch the movie.

Bigotry Today

Blatant prejudice is something I have limited experience with. The worst situation I ever found myself in was in a London pub as a college student. I knew from the moment I walked through the doors of the establishment that something was not right; it wasn’t the typical friendly neighborhood pub I was used to. Surrounded by angry white men, my hair was grabbed and someone hissed in my ear, “go back to the temple, you sand n---er!” I was paralyzed with shock when my friends pulled me away from my nemesis’ grasp and we ran out of the pub unscathed. They were all appalled at what happened, and I was bewildered but calm. I assured everyone that I was fine and explained how contradictory my perpetrator was. After all, “go back to the temple” attacks Hindus, and “sand n---er” refers to someone of Middle Eastern descent, but I am neither Hindu nor Middle Eastern. He saw my brown skin and Indian features and unleashed his hate, with the help of alcohol. I will never forget how blatant he was with his emotions.

Lately, I find that bigots today are much more subtle when expressing their hatred of people they don’t like the look or sound of. One of the bus drivers on my regular bus expresses her racial dislike by not responding to me or anyone who looks like me when they say “thank you” or “good night.” I was on the bus with my mother and brother recently when we noticed how she responded to a Caucasian passenger when he exited the bus, but not to us. My mother was incensed, but I brushed it off. As long as she doesn’t say or do anything derogatory that I witness, I won’t report her. When I think about it, the bigoted bus driver is being careful when expressing her racist feelings.

Racism is expressed in various ways by people of all races, religions, and cultures. What are thoughts on bigotry today?

My Writing Muscles

Last month, I wrote about my experience this summer with the blogathon where I posted every 30 minutes for 24 hours to support my charity of choice. Looking back, this was a really great exercise and it got me thinking about writing in a new way. In the past, I considered it something small that I do sometimes for fun, but the truth is, I much prefer writing to almost any other activity I do.

So I'm considering ways I can improve my writing. The first idea is to read more. It's pretty much a given that being an avid reader will help my writing. Classic fiction, memoirs, contemporary novels, short stories, graphic novels... Over the last couple of months, and in the months to come, I will be reading works in different genres, including ones I've ignored in the past. I'll admit that I'm not only doing this to improve my writing but simply because I love reading and have hundreds of books on my "to read" list, but it will surely help my writing as well.

I've also been trying to write more. I try to write a bit each day, though I'm having trouble balancing my hectic schedule with my desired writing schedule. My first approach was setting a specific time to write, but that quickly failed. I can't wake up early enough, I work during the day, and the evening is usually my time to catch up on other responsibilities. A writer friend of mine recommended a word target rather than a scheduled time. She writes at least 250 words a day, and worries less about how she breaks that up. Given how unpredictable my schedule is, this might be a better approach for myself, though it will certainly require more discipline to make sure I actually do it.

With all of the great writers who read (and write for *cough* Kekla *cough*) the blog, I'm sure somebody must have some other advice to help me work out my writing muscles. What have you got for me?

Labor Day Memories

Happy Labor Day, all. This is a holiday that comes loaded with memories for me.

Every Labor Day weekend of my childhood, from elementary school through college, my parents took us to a Labor Day family camp sponsored by our church. Above and beyond the fact that I love all things camping, these weekends were really special to me. Though the group was never identical from year to year, there was a core contingent of families who attended faithfully. I grew up with these kids and their parents, and though I see them only rarely now, sometimes I still think of them almost like cousins, and they exist in a unique place in my mind. The space created among us was one you could walk into year after year and always find it the same, despite the changes in our normal lives.

Watching the movie Dan in Real Life the other day, I was reminded of the kinds of experiences I had at Family Camp, and I find myself craving another three day weekend of games and conversation, the kind of quality time that comes only when we separate ourselves from the daily grind, far away from television, internet access and cell phone reception.

Sally's recent post about online friends is what first got me onto this train of thought, actually. I love the way the internet brings people together who might never otherwise meet, and how it connects, engages and inspires people in myriad ways. But for me, those relationships inevitably leave me wanting.

The simplicity of singing together around a campfire is something I've never been able to replicate online. I crave the presence of people around me, sitting together with no agenda other than to simply be with one another. It utterly refreshes me and emboldens me to face the storm of technology that is my daily life.

So, here's to Labor Day weekend, may it be a time of rest, reflection and connection. A break from the fray and a chance to reach out and meet each other face to face. It makes all the difference.

Friday Forum: Back to School

Here in the U.S., many people are in some way or another getting ready for school to start up again. Students, parents, teachers, professors, administration, etc. are seeing the end of their summer days and the start of a new year.

We always remember things we dread about going back to school, but what are some things you miss about school? What do you like going back to and, if you're not in school, what do you miss most?

Be Here Now

CHICKS ROCK! welcomes our latest guest blogger, Rita.

Rita Chhabra is a CFA charterholder and has over 12 years experience in the Financial services industry. She loves to cook and has a new found love of travel.


In my 33rd year of life, I traveled alone for the first time. This was a difficult decision to make, as I am not the type who even goes to the movies or restaurants alone. But I found myself with plenty of time on my hands, an urge to travel, and a bunch of broke friends! I decided to look into travel groups -- I might be flying alone, but I didn’t want to be alone once I arrived at my destination (baby steps!).

My destination was Tuscany. I arrived on the 4th of July, Independence Day in my home country -- quite poetic given my solo journey, huh? I spent my first week at a cooking school whipping up wonderful Tuscan meals. I planned my second week at a yoga retreat, which allowed me to do four hours of yoga each day.

For the first four days of the retreat, we participated in an exercise called “be here now.” We were not allowed to talk about anything in our lives that happened prior to our arrival in Italy. If we heard someone starting to tell a story about her “past,” we yelled “be here now!” This was a difficult exercise because we are so programmed to tell people about ourselves when we meet them, particularly what we do for a living. We end up defining ourselves by our occupation alone, and more often than not, we are judged by it.

It took some getting used to, but it was enlightening to talk to people and learn who they are right now: who are you right now, what do you enjoy doing right now? On the fifth day we were able to talk about our ‘other’ lives outside of Tuscany… but by then, we didn’t really care about those things!

This trip did wonders for me, in terms of getting over my fear of traveling alone. In the process, I also made new friends and found a new way of living in the present.

I don’t know why I didn’t look into travel groups before, but now I’m already searching for my next destination!

Shades of the Toxic Personality

If we are honest with ourselves, we can easily recognize the toxic people in our lives. They possess the compulsive need to control everyone and everything around them. A toxic individual can be someone who is so obviously negative and domineering, or the person can show his or her true colors over time. Some of us can even recognize the toxicity we unleash to those around us, but this revelation requires real honesty. In short, toxic behavior is something we all deal with, and it is important for those who find themselves on the receiving end of it to not remain victims any longer.

I thought I wasn't a target for toxic people anymore. As a child and teenager, I was too forgiving of those who took advantage of my pleasant nature. But the toxicity I faced did not just come from those who tried to control me or make me feel bad about myself; those who hated themselves were also dangerous. A friend in high school would tell me about her drug and alcohol use and the people who exploited her for their purposes. When we were 18, I found the courage to tell her to save herself, because no one else could. Her response was her mantra: it was too late. I never saw or spoke to her again.

As an adult, I have faced more subtle and even more powerful toxic personalities. Recently, my sister called me out on my tendency to apologize for things that are out of my control, just to appease an annoyed acquaintance. She made me realize that I didn’t recognize this person’s personality, so I now know how to handle myself in the future.

Do you have any friends like this? Think about letting them go or limiting contact with them. If you have a toxic spouse, family member, co-worker, or employer, strengthen yourself so you can repair and preserve your dignity. It is easy to dispense this advice, but take it from someone who knows: the only one who can make you feel good about yourself is you.

Under Pressure

I announced a while back that I'm traveling to Europe this fall, and the month is finally here! The countdown for my trip has gone from months to weeks, and I'm starting to feel the pressure. Because this trip is being planned at the same time as my move, and in the midst of the busiest time at my job, my to do list is growing every day.

One thing I've noticed is that people are very eager to share their travel tips if they've been to Europe. Any time I've mentioned to somebody that I'm traveling, they start asking me where I'm going, what my plans are, where I'm staying, and so forth. They tell me about their trips to Europe, their favorite touristy spots, their favorite local spots, what and where to eat, how much to pack, the list goes on and on. Before you know it, I have enough travel advice to start a travel blog. (But I won't, because then my to do list would surely never lessen...)

So the time has come to stop procrastinating and start prioritizing. I need to figure out my packing list, buy everything I need, firm up my budget, solidify my itinerary, and make sure my travel companions have some idea of what they're doing in Europe.

Even with all this anxiety, I keep picturing in my head how much fun the trip will be. Even when it rains, even when all of us start fighting, even if something goes awry, I know that the trip will be rewarding and that I'll have a great time.

Now all I have to do is actually lay out what I need to make that happen...