On Our Own Terms

CHICKS ROCK! welcomes Adelaide as a special guest blogger this week and next after letting us interview her before the launch of the book The Big Enough Company: Creating a business that works for you. This week, she writes about what inspired her to be an entrepreneur:

Adelaide Lancaster is an entrepreneur, speaker and co-founder of In Good Company Workplaces, a first-of-its-kind community, learning center and co-working space for women entrepreneurs in New York City. She lives in Philadelphia, PA with her husband and daughter.


When it came time to graduate from my Masters program in Counseling Psychology I couldn’t find the kind of job that I was looking for. I wanted to be a career counselor for women who were deciding what direction to go professionally. Most of the positions available were in schools and there was very little counseling involved. The other larger organizations either required a lot of ancillary HR work or were working with more at-risk populations. So since I couldn’t find the job I wanted, I decided to create it! I started my own career counseling practice and consequently became an entrepreneur. I plunged myself completely into entrepreneurship, building my practice and learning everything I could about small business. My own exposure to entrepreneurship made me more interested in working with entrepreneurial clients. I got hooked and eventually morphed my whole practice into working with entrepreneurs who were starting and building businesses.

Before long we began to notice the negative impact isolation was having on our clients. Because most of them worked from home, they spent their days alone and were more unproductive, uninspired, and disconnected as a result. Plus too many of them battled to maintain a professional image while meeting clients in the local coffee shop. We decided to create a remedy: In Good Company, a community, learning center, and shared workspace designed specifically for women entrepreneurs. Four years later we support more than 300 businesses.

Two years ago we decided to shift our focus to another common entrepreneurial challenge: disenchantment. We had found that often entrepreneurs become more disenchanted as their company grows, very often because they made steep compromises on their own needs and goals. Convinced that entrepreneurial success is really about satisfaction, we decided to write The Big Enough Company: Creating a Business that Works for You. It pools our collective expertise as well as the stories of 100 entrepreneurs who demonstrate various ways to take advantage of the opportunity that entrepreneurship affords. It is our mission to help you work on your terms.

I love being an entrepreneur and love the opportunities it affords me. I have the ability to create work that is meaningful and rewarding on my own terms.

Expect the Unexpected

There are fewer things I can say I will or may never experience at home, where I have spent most of my life so far. When I experienced an earthquake tremor this Tuesday, I was in my Mother’s house in the attic, where I have spent thousands of insignificant moments in, and when the room shook for what seemed to be more than a minute, I began to look at the room and the house differently. It is still my Mother’s house of course, but now it is also a place where the unexpected can happen. It was a minor earthquake, and I am sure those on the West Coast and other parts of the world where earthquakes like the one I experienced the other day would shrug at it and move on. For those who have never experienced something like it and did for the first time, it was unsettling and just a little frightening. It is just another, very small reminder that none of us live in a cocoon, protected from what “other” people have to go through.

This became very clear to me twice in the last ten years. The first time was September 11, 2001, when the world as I and most people in this country knew it changed forever. Before that day, I had only heard of significant terrorist attacks happening in places like Israel, the Palestinian territory, India, and other countries where there were varying levels of political and social unrest. The USA appeared to be safe from it all, until that fateful day almost ten years ago. And then, when Hurricane Katrina hit the Louisiana, Alabama, and parts of Florida in 2005, my fellow Americans and I were horrified by the video footage and news reports of the utter devastation and prolonged suffering that the survivors endured in its aftermath.

These experiences make me realize how vulnerable we all are, no matter where we live, to natural and man-made disasters. It is a humbling experience, and not in a bad way either. It just makes me appreciate my good days even more.

Summer Days, Summer Nights

The end of the summer isn't normally something I feel any particular way about. I'm sad that the carefree feeling that comes with the summer months will be gone, but I look forward to the fall and getting to spend time outside without being so uncomfortable. I guess it's because for me, summer isn't that different from the rest of the year the way it once was when we were in school. Aside from taking advantage of free events in the city, I don't do much in the summer I can't do at other times.

But this year, I've done some "summery" things I don't normally do and it's got me thinking about the end of summer. For starters, I actually went on vacation a couple of times, which isn't something I normally do and kickstarted the summer feeling. It also happened that I got a lot of sun this summer because I went to the pool and beach for the first time in years. I did some of my usual summer in the city activities like Shakespeare in the Park and outdoor movies in the park. All in all, it felt like I took advantage of what the summer is supposed to offer.

Now that it's almost over, I've made an end of summer wishlist. I want to squeeze in a few more things I may not be able to do as easily in the fall: shows with limited engagement, weekend trips I can extend with summer Fridays, etc. I suddenly understand what other people mean when they feel summer slipping by. 

Do you have anything on your end of summer wishlist?

Revisionist Reruns

I'm a bit of a t.v. junkie, I admit. I like my shows and there's nothing better for me at the end of the day than settling in all cozy with a blanket and a beverage and getting lost in someone else's made-up drama, or laughing along with a sitcom, or having my heart race with anticipation as the characters try to catch the bad guys, or get themselves out of whatever scrape they're in.

I'm a sucker for story, and good storytelling in any medium--books, movies, television--is always going to capture me. But television is often less story-based and more character- and situation-based. If I like the characters or relate to their situation, that is what captures my attention.

Different kinds of shows have captured my attention in different times of life. Today, through the magic of Netflix and Hulu and iTunes, I'm able to go back in time and watch shows that I missed the first time around. I've surprised myself lately by tuning into some shows that I glossed over or even disparaged when they were contemporary, but watching them now I find myself hooked.

My changing t.v. preferences seem to speak to how I've changed as a person. Workplace comedies were amusing to me as a teenager, but as I got older and entered the workforce, the humor of them changed because I had seen the real side of those environments. My favorite show ever, The West Wing, (which I've watched all the way through at least three times), I thought was "boring" and "political" when it debuted. I loved FRIENDS from the first time I watched it, and followed it all the way through high school, college and beyond. Every episode. I admired how grown-up and quirky and out-in-the-world they seemed, but once I was out there myself, none of the many similar shows that followed ever captured me in quite the same aspirational way.

It's fun to go back and watch reruns that are new to me, and to catch up with shows I used to enjoy and see how my perspective on them has changed. Beyond sheer entertainment, I learn something about myself in the process.

What t.v. shows do you love, and how have your tastes changed over time?

Friday Forum: Bad Day

We all have days that start out less than perfect and seem to spiral down. Sometimes we're able to get a grip on things and have a positive approach, but sometimes that seems hopeless.

How do you handle a bad day? What usually lets you know that a bad day might be heading your way?

The Change-Up

CHICKS ROCK! is happy to have Kristina back as a guest blogger this week.

Kristina Leonardi is the founder of The Women’s Mosaic. She is a career/life path consultant, speaker, seminar leader and expert in the areas of women, diversity and personal growth.


When things aren't quite going your way, it's easy to fall into the grass is always greener syndrome. But as the saying goes, before you judge a man (or covet his life), walk a mile in his shoes.
 
You don't have to turn back the clock, eat a magical fortune cookie, ride in a souped up DeLorean or relieve yourself in an enchanted fountain to discover your life and relationships are exactly as they should be, or get the kick in the butt to make them better.

The fact is our lives are the sum total of all the choices we've ever made up until this point - a combination unique unto ourselves, which means we have created the situation that on some level we've wanted or needed in order to learn and grow on this journey called life. 
   
So whatever your state of affairs, take full responsibility for it. The good news is that if you don't like it,  because you got yourself into it, you totally have the power to get out of it!    
 
A lot of my clients right now are at the point of no return - where there's no turning back or delaying the inevitable any longer. They've gotten to a place where the only thing to do is to go through - there is no way round, there is no way back - they need to make a change or take action in a certain direction because at this point there really is no other alternative, whether because of forced external realities or an internal malaise and dissatisfaction that they can no longer withstand.
 
Why changes haven't been made up to now is a more complicated and varied topic for another time; often it's a stronger sense of obligation to others and what they would want or would make them happy that prevents us from moving forward to the beat of our own drum. But contrary to Hollywood plots, we are the ones who have to live in our bodies, so it's up to us to do what needs to be done. It's time to go big or go home.

The Silent Treatment

I really dislike the silent treatment. I am annoyed when people use it towards me, and I only do it if as a means of last resort when dealing with a difficult person. I understand when people have to take step back from one another at times, but when it is a recurring pattern, and it lasts months and even years, it can be absolutely frustrating, and sometimes heartbreaking. I have dealt with this in my family, and have had to learn to understand and come to terms with behavior I do not like.

When I have tried to talk to a certain someone, and that person acts like I am not there or responds in an aggressive manner, that is when I take a step back because of self-preservation. This person has always been a negative force in my life, but I have learned a lot from the extended silences and the times in between. One of the most important of these is how not to act when in conflict with someone else. While my other family members and I have to keep our physical and verbal distance from this particular person, I make sure to keep the lines of communication open with other people in my life, even if there is conflict. I don’t need to make anyone who does not like me to be “my best friend,” but I always believe in being civil and polite, even if the other person will not reciprocate. Of course if he or she is completely rude, I know I have to stand up for myself. I have learned to do so the hard way, but I think I do it pretty well when needed, and with class.

Bottom line, I just don’t think maintaining an angry silence within any relationship is a good thing. This is especially true if it keeps reoccurring; that means there is a major dysfunction that should be taken care of. If not, the cycle of silence continues.

Do you think the silent treatment works, or do you dislike it as much as I do?

Strangely Satisfying

When people find out I like to clean, they don't really get it. I suppose it's because they get an image in their head of me cleaning when I could be out at a friend's party or at a movie or show, but that's not usually the way it works. I generally like to keep things clean but when I really like to clean is when I want to spend a few hours alone with just the mess and music, or when I desperately need to de-stress and get back to some sort of equilibrium. 

The only thing that has a similar affect for me is baking. People don't really get that either, though, especially because it makes them think I'm secretly a domestic Susie Homemaker type. But there is just something about the process of both that I really love...

First there's the routine of it all. The same step-by-step process will make your dirty kitchen spotless every time and following a well-written recipe will give you a baked good you'll enjoy. Secondly, both require quite a bit of attention and patience, which helps center me when my mind is usually analyzing and over-thinking. And lastly, there is something incredibly satisfying about starting a task and knowing that in just a few hours you have a finished product you can really enjoy. With cleaning, you can literally see that all the effort was worth it when you go from a grimey surface to something you can eat off of. With baking, you do a lot of mixing and combining and meticulous measuring, then you get to stick it in the oven for a while and it comes out as something delicious. It's almost magical!

Ok, so maybe you still think I'm a little weird, but isn't there something slightly strange that you find satisfying?

Considering The Help

I went to see The Help this weekend, dragging my feet all the way. It's a film about a Southern white journalist in 1963 who bravely interviews black housekeepers in an effort to tell the truth about racism in Jackson, Mississippi. I felt resistant because I've followed some controversial articles critiquing the movie for being yet another pop-culture celebration of the (always fictional) white heroes of the civil rights movement.

To be honest, there's very little I can say about the movie that would redeem it from that particular criticism, but there were things I found enjoyable about it anyway. I was glad I chose to support it with my money, for these reasons:

1. It's a phenomenally strong female-driven cast. Men are a subplot in this film, and even then, only barely. As we know from the shocking-but-typical minimization of women in film, that's nothing short of miraculous for a Hollywood blockbuster.

2. Within the ensemble, there's an armload of black actresses who know how to bring it, each of whom got a chance to shine. Far from being minimized, their role in the film was stronger and treated with more respect than I expected.

3. Our spunky heroine enjoys having a man, but doesn't need one. (The movie doesn't need him either, frankly, but perhaps you can't fight Hollywood on too many fronts and still expect to be a blockbuster.)

Overall, I still didn't love the movie, but for unexpected reasons. Here's my problem: If you're going to make a film centered in the world of white housewives, be real about it. I think the film missed a major opportunity to show a more nuanced picture of the civil rights era from a white perspective. The evil housewives are one-dimensional caricatures; they don't seem like real women with struggles and motives and flaws. I would have enjoyed the movie more if it had taken me to the uncomfortable place of sympathizing with them, in all their racist ways, instead of merely mocking their small-mindedness. It's admittedly fun to mock them, but the few real glimpses of their perspective skewed melodramatic, and I felt let down by the way the film turned some very insidious issues toward comedy. Like what it really would have meant for a black woman to defy a white woman in some of the ways the characters do. It didn't feel like a movie set in the 1960s, it felt like a movie made today about the 1960s, and as such it may please the crowd but it fails to tell the truth.

That said, this movie's going to be a blockbuster, and with cause. There's some great stuff in it, and it's definitely worth a look.

So.....go see it, and tell me what you think.

Friday Forum: Quick Escape

The end of the summer is getting closer by the minute, and people are still trying to get their last bit of vacation time in before it ends. Of course, if you can't travel, it's always fun to pretend, so tell us: where would you travel to right now if you could go anywhere in the world for a quick escape?

Check-In

Every so often, we like to switch things up and bring the attention back to you. Today is one of those days and we want you to tell us what you want to see more of and less of here on CHICKS ROCK! We write a lot but sometimes we want to know if you're connecting with it or if there's something we can do better. So have at it in the comments, and remember you can always make it anonymous.

The Kindness of Strangers

Sometimes I find that inconsiderate behavior is often the norm rather than the exception when I am driving, in a crowd, and/or in other public areas. I often hold the door open for those in front or behind me; sometimes they say thank you or nothing at all. There are times when people hold doors open for me, and I always say thank you; formulating those two words is not a struggle for me, as it can be for others. Perhaps it was the way I was raised or just that I always make an effort to show gratitude to those who show me kindnesses, and to reciprocate whenever I can. I know that I can never take the kindness of strangers for granted. It always catches me off guard, and in a good way.

I was on line to see the Alexander McQueen exhibit at the Metropolitan Museum of Art in New York last week, and was convinced that I would not get a chance to get in to see it before the museum closed. I anticipated the worst when I saw a line that was almost a city block long in front of the building. I discovered another entrance and a shorter line that the museum employees had opened, and struck up a conversation with a man who had a museum pass from his company. I got into the building in less than ten minutes instead of the hour I was expecting to wait, and as I got ready to pay my admission fee on the next line I was on, the same man offered to use museum pass to get me in for free. I was really grateful to him, and he went his own way after I shook his hand and rushed to join my friend who was waiting for me on another line to see the exhibit. It was a kindness I made sure he knew I appreciated before we parted ways, never to see each other again.

Have you ever been surprised by the kindness of strangers?

Switch Em Up Style

The summer has been very hectic for me, especially with moving and starting a new job within a week of each other. I've now been in my new apartment for just over a month and at my new job just under a month, but I'm still trying to get used to both. The apartment end doesn't need much of an update, but I'm struggling just a bit on the job front.

It's not that things aren't going well; they're actually going splendidly in terms of my actual work, the people I'm meeting, and the compliments I've been getting about my performance. What I'm struggling with is something that seems small but is starting to cause a bit of anxiety: fashion.

Yes, my clothes, makeup, hair, and shoes are constantly on my mind now that I work in "corporate America." I straighten my hair at least once a week now and feel strange when I don't have time and it's a poofy mess of curls. I try to wear makeup every day (something I've never even come close to doing before), but have been failing somewhat miserably so far because I constantly forget until I'm in the office. I wear dresses almost every day because I haven't gotten pants that fit, and I wear cardigans or blazers to cover my tattoos. I switch back and forth between (somewhat dingy) flats and the heels I bought a while back that I never thought I'd wear regularly. 

The problem is I haven't quite figured out how I'm supposed to dress. I look at my colleagues and try to see what their outfits have in common, which isn't usually much other than not wearing jeans. Every morning is the same game of questions: is this skirt too short? Does this actually match? Am I showing too much skin?

I'm hoping I get the hang of it soon and can stop worrying about something I care as little about as fashion. Though now that I say it, maybe that's the source of the problem...

Have you ever needed to worry about switching up your style? How did it go?

Poems and Promises

I've been thinking lately about a series of poetic phrases like roads diverging in a wood (Frost), and what really does happen to a dream deferred (Hughes), and basically all the things creative people try to say with poetry because it can't really be expressed any other way.

I'm thinking about this because sometimes, like today, I get the desire to sit down and write something brief and meaningful and expressive and lasting--which is exactly the way I'd describe the poetry I most enjoy. Sometimes I want to break from the forms that I'm used to--novels, essays, blog posts--and attempt something bite-sized, based on a feeling or idea that doesn't need to be explored in the course of three hundred pages, or maybe even three hundred words.

But I'm not a poet, strictly speaking. I've written the odd poem, sure, as I suspect most people have at some point. Let's say, then, that "Poet" is a label I'm uncomfortable with, because my relationship with poetry (both as reader and writer) is awkward at best, and not something I really aspire to improve.

Every other year or so, I promise myself I'm going to try harder with poetry, reading more of it, writing more of it, and being more open to it in general. These efforts are always short-lived, but I suppose I do dabble successfully. So, should I call myself a poet? When do you cross the line between having done something, and allowing it to become part of what defines you?

Given my current mood, I think I'll try calling myself a poet...but probably only for today.

Do you enjoy reading or writing poetry?

Friday Forum: Back on Track

We all start out projects, weeks at work, or other tasks with the best of intentions. Inevitably, some of them will end up getting much less than your full attention. Maybe you've procrastinated, maybe you're waiting on somebody else, maybe you got overwhelmed or simply forgot something.

What do you do when this happens to you? What's usually the reason and what do you do to get back on track?

What Are You Waiting For?

It's been some time since we featured one of your guest posts, so it's time for another reminder. 

You don't need to be a writer or editor to submit a great guest post, you just need to tell your story in a way that's honest and authentic. Topics can range from careers to relationships to pop culture, all that we ask is that you take a look at our guidelines or some past posts before submitting.

What are you waiting for? Write down your thoughts or experiences and send your post over!

The Performance Gene

I definitely did not inherit the performance gene in my family. I have cousins who sing and dance so well that I find it hard to believe that we are related sometimes. While my childhood was isolated, they had (and continue to have) exposure to many people within their cultural and religious worlds. Part of me is glad not to have the pressures to fit in with a community that can be extremely judgmental, but another part of me knows that the experience of performance and exposure to a variety of people at a young age can be beneficial to social development.

I saw the benefits of having the performance gene recently with one of my cousins as she danced to a packed, inadequately air conditioned theater. She had the usual jitters associated with performing live in front of family and friends, but she held herself with such poise as the theater remained hot. It wasn’t so bad for me, because the ceilings were quite high and I remained seated with everyone else as I fanned myself constantly. My cousin had the stamina and the discipline to perform dance after dance, and make it look effortless.

My cousin is trained in the classic dance from of Bharatanatyam, which originates in Southern India, which she has been part of it since she was five years old. The dance recital, or Arangettam as it is called in my parents’ native language, usually takes place after years of training with a dance guru; it is like a final exam and graduation all in one. I was completely ignorant of this aspect of the classical Indian dance world my cousin has been in until the day of her Arangettam, when I saw her hard work pay off before my eyes. I am not sure I would have had the discipline and passion she has for dance, even if I had the opportunity to take classes as a child.

Do you have the performance gene? If so, do you think it gives you an advantage over those who do not?

Double Booked

As you all know, I would be lost without my calendar. I sync my work calendar to it, keep track of birthdays and special events, and every dinner, drinks, museum, or other type of social interaction that I've been invited to and accepted. The goal is to avoid double booking: agreeing to go somewhere and then realizing you already had something else going on. Sadly, it can't always be avoided.

If you take a look at my schedule for this Saturday, you'll see a birthday party, sorority meeting, friend coming into town, friend coming over to visit my new place, and laundry list of errands I haven't found time to get done (something tells me that's not happening this weekend). It's also Target First Saturday at Brooklyn Museum, which I've been looking forward to all summer but was out of town for. My day is essentially made up of things I really want to do and things I agreed to and feel I can't back out of.

The other day when I was hanging out with a friend, I explained how I had to squeeze him in and went through this week's schedule with him. When I was done, he merely said "But why can't you just cancel with people?" It's not the first time somebody has said that to me, but it was the first time it really resonated with me. He was right: most of my friends know how hectic things are for me and will appreciate any time I have to give them, but understand if I have to cancel so I can rest at home instead. The ones who don't get it or who complain that it's "just" an hour or two might not be worth it anyway.

So I'm turning over a new leaf, starting by clearing up some of my Saturday.

Do you feel bad about canceling plans? How do you manage to not double book?

Big Screen Withdrawal

You know those annoying pop-up surveys that sometimes come up when you're browsing online? Not the spam ones that you automatically close, but the briefer, official ones that are designed as market research for the company whose website you're surfing. I recently completed a fairly detailed one on the entertainment industry.*

(*SIDEBAR: Most people probably click past these, too, but I'm a geek for this sort of thing. Back in school, I was the kind of dork who looked forward to standardized testing days, because it meant I got to fill in all those little bubbles on the paper. Ahem.)

This survey started by asking how often I go to the movie theater, and it gave options ranging from once or twice a year to two or three per week. I automatically clicked the most frequent option....then realized I haven't been to a movie in over a month. In fact, there have been several months over the past year when I haven't been to even one movie.

The realization actually shocked me, because I used to go to movies ALL THE TIME. At least one per weekend, if not two or three, if several new releases seemed interesting enough. I've just been so busy with work and travel lately, and the friends I tend to see movies with have been, too. I've missed seeing some things I was looking forward to, and I suspect much more has gone by without my notice.

I can't decide whether to celebrate this shift, for all the reasons that it means I'm out in the world having adventures, or to mourn the fact that a pastime I truly loved seems to have fallen by the wayside.

Have you discovered any changed habits lately, for better or worse?

Friday Forum: Down With Debt

If you pay any attention to the headlines, you know that America's debt has become quite the issue. There isn't much we can do as individuals to affect the national debt, but it does serve as a reminder to take a look at our own debt.

How much do you stay on top of your finances? What do you do to manage your debt and get it down?

TWM Top 10 Fun Facts & Highlights

Since we are celebrating TWM's 10th Anniversary, we thought we'd look back and remember some fun facts and highlights throughout the years!

#10
On January 24, 2001, 30 diverse women gathered at TaiPei Noodle House to celebrate the Lunar New Year and launching of The Women's Mosaic®. Since then we've offered over 95 unique activities and events to over 5000 women enabling them to connect to themselves, each other and the world around them!

Countries, cultures and topics include: Haiti, India, Zimbabwe, Iraq, The Philippines, Sri Lanka, Colombia, Greece, Japan, Israel/Palestine, Tibet, Sweden, Spain, Body Image, Books, Health & Wellness, Religion, Politics and Personal Growth.

#9
One year after 9/11, TWM's My Life as a Muslim Woman gathered nine ethnically diverse Muslim women to talk about who they are and how their religion influences their everyday lives. The event dispelled myths and stereotypes about Islam and united the NYC Muslim community in the process. One of those panelists was Daisy Khan, who, along with her husband Imam Feisal, has since become a national leader and voice for American-Muslim relations.

#8
Some notable women who have contributed to the world of TWM: Terrie Williams, Adaora Udoji, and Sandra Endo moderated our panels; Sarah Jones and cast members from PBS' Colonial House spoke to us; Kekla Magoon started out right out of college with us as a volunteer grant writer and is now an award-winning Young Adult Author; Politics Schmolitics panelist Regina Calcaterra first talked publicly about her experience in the foster care system that night and ran for State Senate six years later using her story as part of her platform; Randi Zuckerberg interned with TWM working on our Spotlight on Sri Lanka event and One Hot Havana Night Fundraiser, and is now part of her brother's empire!

#7
Hopping on the "Kill Bill" and "Last Samurai" bandwagon, CNN's Jeanne Moos covers TWM's Unleash the Woman Warrior in You workshop, giving us national television exposure.

#6
TWM's Founder, Kristina Leonardi is listed as one of Hispanic Magazine's 2004 Top Latinas, receives Tango Diva's 2007 Visionary Award and honored as one of the WNBA's NY Liberty 2009 Inspiring Women and was shown on the jumbotron at MSG!

#5
TWM's panelists for My Life as a Female Soldier in Iraq were scheduled to be featured on WB11's Morning News but were bumped at the last minute due to breaking news of the Eliot Spitzer scandal!

#4
TWM launches CHICKS ROCK! our blog for women to express their experiences related to diversity and personal growth on September 18, 2008, the same day as the Black Monday stock market crash. But we have not missed a week since then with over 750 posts to date!

#3
In 2004 TWM prints its first issue of INSPIRER, a more detailed look at our events, with two more editions to follow. Our second edition features testimonials from then UN Secretary General Kofi Annan and Cosmo Magazine founder Helen Gurley Brown

#2
TWM grew out of a Visioning Workshop, that we have since offered every year for the past 10 years: 22 workshops to date with businesses, babies, makeovers, moves and more all manifesting as a result! Women have traveled from Indiana, Michigan and DC just to attend!

#1
TWM's 10th Anniversary Moroccan Magic Fundraiser took place on Tuesday, July 26th to celebrate all this and more! There was a Bellydance lesson and performance, live magician, silent auction and fun with friends old and new!

My Grandmaternal Inspiration

For me, yesterday was not only the 10th Anniversary of The Women’s Mosaic; it was also the day my maternal grandmother passed away in the 1980s. I have been thinking about how grateful I am to have what I have, since my grandmother was not as fortunate. One of many things she did not have was access to a thriving community of women like The Women’s Mosaic. She is an inspiration to me, and I am proud to be a part of her family tree.

My siblings and I never had a chance to meet my grandmother. My Mother received news that she was gravely ill and had to get enough money together so that the whole family could fly back to India. My family struggled financially for years because my parents financially supported many family members in India, so things like family trips were out of the question. When we were on the plane flying over Europe, she passed away. I have flashes of memory from my first time in India; my Mother weeping in the courtyard of her parents’ home, and me looking up at her and hugging her waist; mosquito bites all over my legs and arms, tall trees laden with tropical fruits, lots of rain, and blurry images of family members I barely knew then, and even now. Later, I started asking my Mother about the woman she was so desperate to see again before her death, but couldn’t. She told me about how difficult village life in Southern India was for her mother, including how she never learned to read and write. Even with the lack of education, she used to help my Mother with her homework, especially mathematics. Apparently she was a natural when it came to figuring out solutions to equations in her head. I wish I had that gift!

My grandmother supported her family in an often socially hostile environment, with very little money. Still, she did an amazing job, and her children and children’s children are proof of this. I honor her life as I celebrate TWM’s 10th Anniversary.

Reconnecting With Friends

When my friend told me about her upcoming trip to California and asked if I wanted to come, I didn't have to think very long before saying yes. Driving along the California coast from LA to San Francisco in the summer? I was in. 

We planned the cities we'd stop at, some of the restaurants we'd try, and the touristy things we'd want to capture pictures of.

The moment of hesitation came later when I realized I hadn't traveled with her since our junior high school trip to Europe. What if she was one of those people who lugged around half their worldly possessions on a trip? What if she was a terrible driver? What if we ran out of things to Talk about? What if we drove each other crazy?

I didn't have anything to worry about, of course. She does carry a whole lot in her luggage, but that wasn't ever a problem. Our eating and sight-seeing preferences were very much in sync and we had a great time along our drive and in the cities. We reminisced on old times, caught up on our current lives, and got to know each other a lot better. In fact, we never really ran out of things to talk about.

We get so caught up in our lives that it's so easy to get disconnected from our friends. We meet up for drinks or grab lunch, but we don't always get to appreciate their friendship. I love when I'm reminded of why I'm friends with someone in the first place.

TWM's Ready to Celebrate

Don't forget that tomorrow is TWM's 10th Anniversary Moroccan Magic Fundraiser! There'll be drinks, food, music, entertainment, and so much more. Check out the latest invite for more details -- can't wait to see you there!

Friday Forum: Summer To Do List

It's hard to believe, but summer is almost halfway over! We start out with a whole list of things we want to do or see -- that outdoor concert, those patio happy hours -- but summer often slips away before we can get to them.

What's on your summer to do list? When will you make the time to get it done?

We've Got You Covered

This post is a bit different from what you might normally find on CHICKS ROCK!, but when we were asked to join "We've Got You Covered," the birth control blog carnival co-hosted by National Women's Law Center and Planned Parenthood, we couldn't say no.

You see, the Department of Health and Human Services will soon be deciding what types of "preventive services" will be made available through the new health insurance plans without a co-pay. That alone is pretty exciting -- but how much better would it be if birth control were one of the preventive services?

Birth control is an integral part of a lot of women's lives. It gives us the power to decide when to start a family, how many children we want to have (if any), and when we want to stop with the family we have. This power never stops being important, whether you're single or married with five children, yet the cost that comes along with this power really adds up. Even those of us who choose other methods of birth control, such as fertility awareness, respect the decision of those who choose other forms. And most of us can agree that the reason better access to birth control isn't a priority in health agendas is because of the stigma that still surrounds birth control and women's sexual health. Well, that needs to change, and this would be a great way to start.

So what can you do to make it easier for women to stay proactive in their sexual health? For them to not have high costs deter them from their right to decide when and how to start a family? You can take action today.

There's a petition you can sign to ask HHS to get rid of co-pays for birth control. Share this post with your friends and urge them to get involved as well, by signing the petition and spreading the word.

The Major Misinterpreter

Have you ever been shocked by someone else’s words? So much so that you initially believed that they mistook you for someone else? Thankfully this is not a common occurrence in my life, but it did happen to me last week. I am luckier than most, because after one more meeting with her later this summer, I will never have to see or deal with this particular individual again. But I have been in long term situations in office environments where difficult people have come at me in different ways. I empathize with any of who have to endure this on a daily basis.

My situation really illustrates how mountains can be made out of molehills. I have been working on a project for a client for several months, and recommended an associate I had previously worked with to be a part of it. Even before the verbal altercation, I picked up an aloofness I had not previously detected. After meeting and exchanging emails this time around, she called to reprimand me for what really was a minor oversight on my part. Without yelling, she threatened to call my supervisor. When I got over the initial shock, which really took just a second, I calmly told her that no offense was meant and I apologized for the misunderstanding.

She then proceeded to tell me that she did not like my perceived “preference” for emails over phone conversations, and actually criticized me for my clients’ actions, which I had no previous knowledge of. I did not apologize for these “offenses,” because she completely misinterpreted them for her own reasons. I only told her where I was coming from and how my clients’ actions in these cases were their own. I think the way I was firm but not argumentative put her at ease; she even made small talk with me after I appeased her. I was pleased with myself after the phone call; it could have gone from bad to worse if I had lost my cool.

How have you dealt with the “major misinterpreters” in your lives?

Mourning More Than Harry Potter

For a lot of us, the last Harry Potter movie marks the end of an era. We grew up with the books and looked forward to each movie, even if it was just to complain that it was nothing like the book. So while saying goodbye to the books was hard enough, knowing that the movies are also behind us now makes it even more final. And, of course, I was right there with a front-row seat (so to speak) at a midnight showing.

The movie itself was entertaining and even though sometimes it felt like they were trying really hard to tie up loose ends, I thought it did the book justice. It did such a good job at that, that I found myself mourning the series in a way I didn't fully do when I finished reading the books. The deaths in the last book were some of the most intense in the series. Add to that a couple of gut-wrenching storylines and you have an emotionally exhausting experience. But because I read the book so quickly, there were things I missed or things I wasn't able to fully take in until later.

But the truth is, it wasn't just about the books or the movies, it was about everything they represented for me and everything that has changed in my life since finishing the books. I moved out of my parents' home soon after finishing the series, got engaged a few months after that, and have since moved four times and broken up with my fiance. I've lost and gained friends, pounds, and incredible memories. And, yes, a lot of those things were running through my head as I watched the final movie and cried my eyes out. (No, really, it was rather embarrassing for my sisters, who had to deal with my best friend and I sobbing.)

I can't help but appreciate everything the series meant to me and how it's still able to touch me in ways I'd never expect it to. It's rather incredible for "some books about a boy wizard," no?

Road Tripping

I'm in Vermont, writing from the road. I'm sure I've posted about this before, but I love traveling by car. I love to drive, love to ride, anything that gets me on the road is good in my book. It's one of my small, weird dreams to finally own a car someday. You really don't need one in New York, so it'll be a long time coming, but when I go out of the city and get to drive, it makes me genuinely hunger for the ability to do it more often.

It's expensive and silly to own a car while I'm living in the city. So, is the idea of owning a car a good enough reason to move my whole life to a place where a personal vehicle is more necessary and practical? Intellectually, I suppose not, but every time I get behind the wheel, I think to myself, YES! IT IS. But there's a little thought in the back of my mind: what if I get sick of it? What if easy access to a car bursts the bubble of my vehicular fantasies? Why do I want this so badly?

As a teen in the Midwest, I wanted a car because driving represented independence, self-sufficiency and freedom from the whims and clutches of my parents. Now, I have all those things in spades. Do I really need a car? No. "But I want one," says the petulant teenager within.

I joke about this desire so often that over time, I've realized it's a genuine dream that I hold. I want a car, despite its impracticality in my current life. How do I deal with something like this? I certainly don't allow myself to indulge every expensive desire I ever have. In fact, I've given up a variety of economically-satisfying and practical trajectories in favor of other, bigger dreams. Should I go after the small ones, too?

How much does the size of your dreams matter when you decide which ones you're going to pursue?

Friday Forum: Do You Believe in Magic?

It's officially over. With the release of the final film, the magical series that captivated millions around the world is now really over. Whether or not you became a fan, the series left its mark on pop culture.

Did you get caught up in the magic of Harry Potter? Are you watching the movie this weekend to say goodbye to the series?

TWM Turns 10... in Style!

We're going from one event to another here at CHICKS ROCK! Thanks so much for supporting TWM's World of Wellness -- we hope you got a lot out of it. Now we're moving on to the major event of the summer: TWM's 10th Anniversary Fundraiser! Check out the details below and be sure to RSVP today.

TWM's 10th Anniversary Moroccan Magic Fundraiser!
Tuesday, July 26 · 6:30pm - 9:00pm

Come on out for an evening to celebrate a decade of TWM's work to educate, inspire and motivate women of every background to rise up and rock the world!

Mix and mingle with friends old and new while honoring the opportunities we've provided throughout the years for women to connect to themselves, each other and the world around them with programs that promote intercultural understanding and personal growth.

Held in a private room at the exotic Katra Lounge, the event includes your first drink, authentic cuisine and music, a belly dance lesson, silent auction and more! Moroccan or Middle Eastern-inspired/Festive attire suggested.

Cost: $65.00 in advance; $75.00 at the door (cash or check only)

Location: Katra Lounge, 217 Bowery Street (at Rivington)

RSVP on Facebook, Meetup, or email sally@thewomensmosaic.org

Goodbye Harry

Now that the release of “Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 2” is approaching, I think back to when the first movie came out. I already loved the books before learning about the initial film, and was slightly skeptical about how the books would come to life in film. Many have never recovered from the Star Wars prequel films (me included) and I went to the movie theater, sat down in a musty chair, and watched “Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone” with a certain degree of bias. I walked out of the theater realizing that I had just seen a very good movie. Each film got better after that initial release, and all of the same actors stayed with their roles over the years. And now, it has all come to the final film. I just had to mark the occasion with my latest post.

I will always remember the first film, but my absolute favorite has to be “The Goblet of Fire,” which is due to many reasons, one of them being the villain’s depiction for the first time in human (or semi-human) form. As for the books, I have several favorites. For now, “The Deathly Hallows” is the one that I keep going back to. I remember pre-ordering the book months in advance, and choosing the edition with more of the artwork on the cover and a special case. It was only a few dollars extra, but to me it was worth it. When the book was finally released, I got it first thing in the morning on my doorstep and proceeded to devour every word, which took me three days. I dreaded the inevitable last page, but when it came, I found myself thinking how fitting an ending it was for Harry Potter, and wondering how it would work on screen. Soon anyone who wants to know will know on screen.

There are other books I love more of course, but I will always have a special place in my heart for this series. All good things must come to an end.

Internet Woes

Due to some technical difficulties and internet issues, Sally can't post today. Instead, you're welcome to check out her past posts.

Hair Today, Hair Tomorrow

I spent several hours last weekend watching YouTube videos of black women dealing with natural hair. They offered style tutorials, product reviews, and general advice and support for one another other. I studied their advice closely because I've been wanting to try new things with my hair lately. I stumbled upon a New York Times article that sparked a renewed interest for me.

It was a relief to find these videos, because it demonstrated that I'm not alone in my various hair woes, wondering how to manage the texture, the volume, the unruliness of these locks, which I'm convinced could be quite pretty if I could just get a handle on things. It's been a lifelong struggle to get my hair to behave in the way I would like it to, and I haven't really figured it out yet.

Growing up, no one was able to give me adequate advice, because I was raised in a predominantly white community. I had access to a few African women, but it seemed they always wanted to slap in some braids, and while that was always nice and manageable, I wanted more variety. I dreamed of wearing my hair "down." (The caveat there being that my hair doesn't really stay "down.")

I suppose the word I should have been looking toward back then was not "down," but "loose." I wanted to wear my hair loose. Which usually meant, no matter how ideal it looked in the ten minutes after my shower, it would swell as it dried into a virtual 'fro. Granted, some women are very comfortable wearing a cloud of hair bigger than their head. I'm not one of them. I vacillate between thinking it's a matter of comfort and a matter of preference. It bothers me to think I’m so uncomfortable with my hair in its natural state, but when I gear myself up to try it, I realize there are other factors, like not wanting to constantly be pushing it out of my face. So….what’s a girl to do?

Any natural hair ladies out there with brilliant solutions or even just suggestions?

Friday Forum: Change of Plans

You know that feeling when everything's going wrong? You're heading into work and the train breaks down... You get lost for 12 hours on your 10-hour road trip... You're running late for an interview and realize there's a run in your pantyhose.

What do you when suddenly faced with a scenario like this? How do you think quickly and come up with a change of plans?

A Little Help From Non-Friends

CHICKS ROCK! is happy to welcome Elaine as a first-time guest blogger this week as part of TWM's World of Wellness.

Elaine Hamnett worked for years as a public relations executive before seeking a more fulfilling and meaningful path as a coach. She’s now dedicated to empowering people to get the life of their dreams.


I discovered coaching by watching television -- something I do perhaps more than I should, but who knew it could change your life?

Several years ago, coaching guru Rhonda Britten launched the show “Starting Over” on a major network and five days a week viewers were privy to the inner lives, thoughts, troubles and ultimate growth of six women dedicated to being better. I was addicted instantly and set the DVR (or was it video?) every day. In fact, it was so inspiring to see these women work through their personal blocks, doubts and self-sabotage to get what they really wanted in life that I decided I wanted to be a coach myself. So I got certified and today I am happily helping others be their best.

Coaches believe in the process so strongly that most of us have our own coaches! I have to admit that my relationship with my coach is one of the most rewarding and productive relationships I have. Unlike therapy, coaching doesn’t typically dwell in the past or concentrate on healing wounds. Instead, it is really about forward motion. It allows me to spend 45 minutes a week thinking about what I want and how to get there. That sounds a little odd, but how often do you really think about that and then put a plan in action to achieve your dreams?

And while I can turn to friends when I need advice and comfort, it’s not always ideal. They may be coming from a place of total love, but they might have their own agenda or thoughts on what I should or shouldn’t do, unlike my coach who has nothing at stake when I make a decision. My time there is all about what I want for myself.

If this sounds like what you’re looking for, feel free to check out my website for more information, I’d be happy to speak with you.

Post 911 America, Warts And All

The United States of America has always had its critics. After the second Iraq War began in 2002, global criticism of the country grew considerably. It was a tricky time; if an American criticized the war, that person was considered unpatriotic. I even heard some people in the media saying that anyone critical against the military efforts in Iraq and Afghanistan should leave the country for good. I was critical of the second Iraq War, but as a sister of a U.S. army officer, I am completely on the side of the troops who were and still are deployed overseas. I found the attacks on people who openly criticized the war to be similar to witch hunts, only there would be no literal burnings at the stake.

Even though I am not a Muslim or an Arab, I was told by a family member that our last name implies that we could be one or both. He also claimed that we were facing bias because of it in the workplace. I personally never felt this, and refused to succumb to pressure to change my last name in the new Post-9/11 America. After all, Sikhs were being attacked because of their turbans, and they are not Arabs or connected to the Muslim religion. These attacks really had to do with xenophobia, which is an unreasonable fear or hatred of foreigners and anything foreign. When I heard about the murder of a Sikh man mistaken for an Arab on September 15, 2001, I remembered reading that the murderer was ignorant and xenophobic to begin with. After 9/11, he decided to unleash his hatred as a form of vigilante justice on those who did not look right to him.

As I celebrate the America’s birthday this week, I am reminded of our continuing struggles for freedom and against bigotry. I am proud that as an American, I can openly support and criticize my country without fear of imprisonment. Difficult times, such as those faced after 9/11, remind me that we should NEVER take our freedoms for granted.

Home Sweet Home

As I'm writing this, I'm sitting in my new apartment, surrounded by boxes and bags full of everything I own. I realize that doesn't sound particularly note-worthy to anybody else, but I've spent the last several months either traveling or living with my things scattered across New York. I had furniture, and clothes in Manhattan. I had pots, pans, dishes, and a really heavy cutting board in Brooklyn. I had clothes, toiletries, makeup, and jewelry with me in Astoria. Oh, and there were enough shoes and books spread across all three of these places to fill up several boxes and bags, and even then I had to leave a ton behind.

So now that I'm sitting on my new bed in my new apartment with everything in one place, I'm feeling like it should be documented somehow because it feels strange to say: I'm home now. 

When I say to people that I'm home, they'll no longer need to ask which place I mean. When they want to borrow something from me, I can say yes without needing to add "well, I need to see which apartment it's in first..." When I need something mailed, I'll be able to give one address rather than saying "well, it depends on what it is and when you send it..."

I got so caught up in the stress of organizing this move, I hadn't taken any real time to reflect on what it would mean, that I now have a home.

Home. Weird.

Have you ever lived a bit like a nomad? How did it feel when you were all in one place again?

Friday Forum: Flags & Fireworks

Time seems to be flying by! It seems like just yesterday we were celebrating Memorial Day, and we're already finalizing plans for Independence Day.

What do you have planned for this holiday weekend?

Know Your Flow

CHICKS ROCK! is happy to welcome Anna as a first-time guest blogger this week as part of TWM's World of Wellness.

Anna Kowalska, HHC, AADP, works with busy women in their 30s and 40s who want to stay healthy, energetic and sexy, without spending hours in the gym or obsessing over calories.


Have you ever had one of those days when one thing after another slipped through your hands or stepped in your way? You wanted to throw your hands up, crawl under the sheets and sleep ‘til the morning. When I realized that for me it happened on a regular basis, I was determined to figure out why. I learned that my own cycles go far beyond a tampon, chocolate bar and good movie to cry to.

Some days I feel untouchable, like I can do anything. Then, there are days when it feels like a force within me is slowing me down. This roller-coaster of experiences, how I react to them and how real they feel at the time, are deeply connected to my menstrual cycle.

Our female predecessors lived by these cycles and thrived celebrating their womanhood. We have since gotten far away from the rhythm we're meant to live by, and maybe that’s the reason we experience so much pain today.

Wouldn't it be easier if you knew when those “slower” days will come? You could have important meetings on days when you feel the powerful energy within you. You could have that touchy conversation with a loved one on a day when it won't affect you so deeply. When you feel a little less than your powerful self, you could ask for help and reach out to another woman for support.

How much easier could life be if you followed your cycles and knew your flow?

Good news: you can! With a dash of education, a pinch of preparation, some tracking and a few tweaks in your choices of food and activity, your life can flow.

Once I took steps to be more in tune with my body, I felt a world of difference. You can thrive with certainty grace and comfort of knowing these daily fluctuations in you and your world are your right and a privilege every woman should celebrate and embrace.

To learn more, send me an email and together we can put you on the right track to what you really want in life and for everything to just flow.​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​

Stirring Things Up

I have become much more outspoken recently, and this has attracted praise and deep criticism from others. Whether it is about my personal life or what is going on in the world right now, I believe I should express my feelings; of course there are times when speaking up is not alright. For example, I would not bring up my support of same-sex marriage to relatives from my parents’ native country or my extended family members and friends who are against it. If any of them read last week’s post about this issue and wanted to discuss (or confront) me about it, I would of course stand my ground and defend my position. Generally, I find that people will speak up to others, but not directly to the person(s) responsible for stirring things up.

There are times when being “nice” and keeping quiet should be the last things a person does. I was actually advised recently to not use the word nice when describing someone, because it implies being gullible, or easy to manipulate. I think people used to see me in this way, so when I would express my opinions it would shock and anger them sometimes. The idea that the “nice” girl would have strong points of view and speak up against injustice is still considered contradictory.

For Fathers’ Day, posted a quote and comment on Facebook about how it is easy to become a father rather than to actually be one. It was a positive status update, because it praised men who are real fathers, without mentioning those who have given up, never tried, or are just bad at it. I recently heard that someone was put off by the implication of my Facebook status. Perhaps I touched a nerve without trying; who knows? I stand by my words and what I put out on the Internet. While I am not known to be confrontational, I will defend my right to speak up when it is challenged.

Do you avoid confrontation, or are you known for stirring things up?

From Calm to Chaos

The summer is supposed to be a time to have fun and relax, but it doesn't always work out that way. There seems to be some sort of cosmic law where things are completely calm for entirely too long and then completely chaotic for even longer. I'm talking the type of calm that starts out nice until you're so starved for action and drama, you're watching Mob Wives reruns when normally you don't even watch tv. And I'm talking the type of chaos that starts as a series of good news until you're praying life will miraculously stop for just five minutes so you can breathe.

This is more or less what the last few months have been like for me. To be clear, my "calm" was still hectic, but at least it was some level of normalcy. My chaos? Well, let's break that down...

By July 11th, I will have had a performance (and tons of practice leading up to it), two trips, my mother's surprise 50th birthday party, two moves (one to a temporary place, one to my new apartment), and the start of a new job. All in less than two months. And, if we're getting specific here, the two moves, one of the trips, and the new job are all happening in less than two weeks.

Mid-July will bring birthday celebrations for a few friends, adjusting to my new place, and getting to know my new co-workers. But after that? I have lofty plans of going into a hibernation of sorts, declining invitations, catching up on work, and spending time being lazy and taking a breather.

What has your summer been like so far?

The Big Easy

I traveled to New Orleans this weekend for an American Library Association conference. While it was technically a work trip, I managed to find some fun things to do as well. I wandered the French Quarter, explored Bourbon Street--as a spectator rather than a participant in the significant festivities going on there on a Saturday night!--but my favorite stop of all was Cafe du Monde, where I ate a lovely meal of beignets and hot chocolate. Yum!

I hadn't been on a trip that was more than a day or two in over a year--and all of those were for work, too--so it was nice to settle in a bit and feel that I got to experience a new place, especially a place I've been wanting to visit for a long time. I found the journey both inspiring and relaxing, which is a pretty stellar result for a business trip, in my estimation.

I suppose I've posted about travel before, but there is something so soothing to me about getting up, packing my suitcase and hitting the road. I don't know if it is the sense of forward motion, or the opportunity to see new things, eat new food and meet new people, but every journey makes me excited. It seems whatever piece of me that is satisfied by travel adventures lives too deep to isolate or to name. I've tried for a long time, and I can't get underneath it. Oh well. I will just have to enjoy the surface of things--and in New Orleans, the surface is pretty great!

Speaking of the surface of things...in the part of the city I was in, you don't see much evidence of Hurricane Katrina; whether the area wasn't directly damaged or has been rebuilt, I'm unsure. I do know that it made me think about how things appear versus how they really are. I have a feeling if I'd been able to walk in the right direction, I would have seen the damage that is still felt around the city. I guess there is a parallel there, between how I feel as a traveler, affected from the inside-out, and how a city like New Orleans is repaired from the outside-in. I could write more about that, but I guess I still feel like I'm on vacation!

Friday Forum: Summer Lovin'

Warm weather seems to bring people out more, increasing the chances to socialize and meet new people. With everyone constantly joking about "spring flings" and "summer loving," we just have to ask if there's any truth to this.

Have you ever spent a summer with somebody, knowing it would probably end once the fall began?

Live the Life You Like

CHICKS ROCK! is happy to welcome Routh as a first-time guest blogger this week as part of TWM's World of Wellness.

Routh Chadwick, LMSW, is a personal coach and counselor specializing in helping people discover and live their life purpose while finding more pleasure in their daily lives. She has a private practice in New York City.

As the saying goes, I entered the mental health profession partly to heal myself. After suffering from depression and anxiety for years, I set out to discover a better way to live. Over time, I made changes in my thinking and habits that enabled me to reach a place of well-being. The changes weren’t easy, but I stopped trying to live my life according to the mainstream views of success and started listening to myself. I also noticed a tendency in all of us to focus on the pain in our lives rather than beauty and abundance. I saw this in the acceptance of lousy working conditions, crazy stress levels, and a constant striving for some future happiness. The cultural antidote to the pain tends to be some kind of numbing agent: too much television, too much alcohol, chronic use of antidepressants, etc.

My search for healthier solutions took me to the Zen practice of mindfulness – paying attention to your experience and being present in the moment. The pagan embrace of the pleasures that life on earth offers also helped, going against the suffering, self-denial, and guilt our culture prescribes.

Many come to me feeling lost or dissatisfied, so if you feel this way, you’re not alone. My process begins with an exploration to help you discover what it is you really want in life. We look at your life as a whole and make gradual adjustments. While long-term success means discomfort at times, the result is a richer, more fulfilling life.

One of the suggestions I give is to take note of all the ways you’re rushing through your life. Then see if once in a while, you can catch yourself and slow down for a moment. Even if you’re under the gun at work, there’s no reason you can’t allow yourself five minutes to get fresh air and enjoy some sunshine. Small actions open up a space in your life for new awareness and new habits.

I offer one-on-one sessions to assist you in making changes that will lead to a more meaningful life. If you mention TWM, you’re entitled to 15% off any services I offer.

Gay Marriage Is Right

The ongoing debate about gay marriage, particularly in New York and New Jersey, has flared up annoyance and some anger in me. Every time I think we as a society are moving closer towards acceptance of all law abiding people, regardless of sexual orientation, I am reminded by certain people that we still have a very long way to go. I have heard it said many times that the pursuit of equal rights for gay and lesbian citizens is our latest civil rights movement. People may dispute this vehemently, but I believe it is true.

I think the opposition to gay marriage shared by a number of religious groups is one of the main reasons why I am no longer religious. Born and raised a Roman Catholic and having attended Catholic schools in New Jersey, I felt genuinely repressed and ill at ease with religion as a whole. I always believed in a Higher Power, but I find the bigotry towards gays and lesbians to be contradictory to Christian values of acceptance and love. I have a distinct aversion for people who consider themselves closer to God based simply on which religious group they belong to, especially when they speak words ranging from ignorance to pure hatred towards those they see as outsiders.

As a straight woman who believes that there are many people out there who should not be married due to their destructive personalities, I am also supportive of anyone who wants to enter into the matrimonial state for all the right reasons. Love, friendship, respect, loyalty, and more can be shared by any two people who want to grow old together, and that is a beautiful thing. Regardless of the outcome of the pending vote in New York for or against gay marriage, I will always see any union between two loving people the same way, regardless of sexual orientation. Regulating love is never a good thing.

A Party & Paris

There are moments in your life that you want to make extra special, and major birthdays are one of those. My mother just turned 50 and said from the beginning of the year that she wanted a big birthday party with as much of her family there as possible.

My sisters and I, however, thought this was a terrible idea. My mother's family is a lot of drama, and we knew that even though it sounded good to her, she would regret it as soon as the party was over. And spending that much money on one night made no sense to us when a trip abroad would be the same amount and much more memorable.

So my sisters and I have spent the last few months simultaneously planning a French-themed dinner party and a trip to Paris. The dinner would be a surprise and have my mother's close friends and family here in NY as guests, but the trip would be the real gift.

Even though I knew it would all turn out at least okay if not great, it added a layer of stress to the last couple of months. My sisters and I were constantly arguing about what was and wasn't important, something being too expensive or taking too long, how our mother would feel about one detail over others. It didn't help matters that when things would not go as planned, one or the other would freak out and become a complete pain to deal with.

Well, the party was this past weekend and it was, for the most part, a success. The food was good, my mother felt special and didn't complain too much (our family is known for complaining, so it was inevitable), and she's excited for her trip to Paris this fall. As I expected, it wasn't anywhere near perfect, but it turned out well in the end. Now I just need a little break from my sisters and all will be right with the world...

Have you ever been stressed by planning a major event with other people?

Out of the Ordinary

Living in a big city is typically exciting. It's diverse and active and it tends to make me feel like the world is at my fingertips. On the other hand, over time it can become a bit claustrophobic. There are people everywhere, and riding the subway some days, it becomes very clear why the crowded road to success is often referred to as the rat race.

My solution? Get out of town!

This weekend some friends and I rented a car and drove up the Hudson Valley, no particular destination in mind, but simply with the intent to "see something green." (Yeah, Central Park is nice, but you can almost always still hear the city traffic, which stops it from feeling like a true retreat most days.) We ended up touring two old mansions with gardens that have become National Historic Landmarks, eating Dairy Queen Blizzards (Yum!) and driving through a bunch of cute little towns.

Sound like a simple outing? It really was. In fact, what I found most striking about this day trip was how easy and relatively inexpensive it was, yet how refreshing the simple change of pace could be. I suppose there are many ways of refreshing onseelf, but communing with nature and breathing different air always has a way of re-energizing me and putting regular life back into perspective.

Where do you go for a quick change of pace?

Friday Forum: J for Just Do It

Ah, June. The summer is in full swing, vacations are being planned, and... half the year has gone by! Instead of getting sidetracked and distracted, why don't you make some goals for yourself? Pull out your New Year's Resolution again, or set a new objective for the summer.

What goals are you setting (or re-setting) starting now?

There's Still Time

TWM's World of Wellness is in full swing. There's still time to become a sponsor and be featured in the weekly blasts. Plus, you get to reach even more people by writing a guest post for CHICKS ROCK!

Check out last week's email blast and get in touch with us today to join in on the fun!

The Right Kind Of Criticism

I really do not like people giving me unsolicited and undesired advice. I doubt most people welcome it in their lives. I am all for constructive criticism, but let us face it; we get the other, more negative kind more often. The other day, I was confronted with it by someone I see a few times a year, on average. I laughed it off and moved on to another conversation. When I was younger, I may have been more defensive and insecure in my response.

We are our own worst critics, and we should really give ourselves a break once in a while. If I find myself criticizing myself for working on weekends when I do not need to, then I know I need a short break before resuming my regular routine. Instead of despairing that I have not had enough sleep in the last few weeks due to work, I just make sure to make the time, so I can catch up on rest. Not enough exercise? I simply have to make time to do it daily, and to do different types of exercise. Of course there are things about myself I cannot change or would not change at this point, such as my short stature or deviated septum. My self-criticism and the criticisms from others have taught me to accept my shortcomings, and work on the parts of myself that I can change for the better.

Of course when someone does give me constructive criticism I do make sure to be open to hearing and considering it in my mind. Sometimes I take the advice and sometimes I don’t; I consider that to be a good trait. After all, we are all teachers for each other, whether we are aware of it or not. Self-improvement for the right reasons is never a bad thing.

Bummed Out

For the last few months, I've been moving non-stop. I had a dance performance this past weekend, and practicing for that was rather grueling. The luckiest of us ended up with hurt knees and one unlucky team member had a sprained ankle. I thought my trip to Vegas would give my body a break, but instead, I spent days walking up and down the strip. I even went to Spa Castle last week, where I soaked in hot tubs and tried to soothe my super-tight muscles under the jets, but it still wasn't enough.

So I've been waiting for months to give my body a rest and kept telling myself "after the show..." Except that as soon as I had time to breathe when the show was over, I realized that this week is the Chase Corporate Challenge, a 3.5-mile run in Central Park. I signed up with my co-workers a few months back and completely forgot about it. I was excited at the time and thought it'd be fun to get out and run a few miles in the nice weather. Now that it's here, I'm not seeing the fun in it at all. I wrote to a friend of mine who runs regularly and has been in a couple of marathons, and she gave me tips to get my mind and body ready in such a short time, but I'm still a bit panicky.

I'm not worried about the running itself, a few hours to listen to music and run without any distractions is not a bad thing at all. And even with my hurt knee, I know I can make it through (thank goodness my team captain bought us all knee braces last week).

No, the real problem is having this sneak up on me when I thought I'd get to be a lazy bum. I was looking forward to spending time sitting and laying down with little reason to move. And now, instead, I have to run 3.5 miles when I could be eating ice cream and watching tv.

Oh well, maybe next week I'll get to bum out.

A Brush and a Mirror

So....dare I say we've all done it? Held a hairbrush (or whatever's handy) as if it's a microphone and practiced our Oscar-winning speech in the mirror? Oh. No? Not everyone? Just me? Well, that's embarrassing....

If you haven't guessed already, I was watching the 65th Annual Tony Awards on TV last night. I'm not an actor, but it's nice to dream. I'm not a playwright, either, but I dabble. Of course, watching the show makes me want to throw it all away and start writing The Great American Stage Play so that someday I might be able to get up on stage and cry and thank a bunch of people. The only thing that stops me is the knowledge that playwriting is not the medium in which I speak best. I'm a novelist because it's what I love, and what I'm good at.

But watching people who have risen to the epitome of their profession is always inspiring. It reassures me that all the hard work might actually be worth it in the end. For my particular world, the Tony/Oscar equivalent is the American Library Association's Youth Media Awards, which are announced in mid-winter and awarded in June at the ALA national conference. I'll be headed down to New Orleans for said conference in a couple of weeks. A few close friends/colleagues have been honored this year and I look forward to celebrating these honors with them.

Full disclosure requires me to admit that my first novel actually won one of these awards, a New Talent award under the Coretta Scott King Awards banner. (Yay!) I've even been to a televised award show (the NAACP Image Awards) for the same book. (Woot.) That was over a year ago, and I'm still very pleased and proud to have earned these mentions, but it doesn't stop me from dreaming of hitting the same jackpot again, and it certainly doesn't stop me from dreaming even bigger.

Who do you thank in your mirror acceptance speeches? If you sincerely dream of being on one of those famous stages, what are you doing RIGHT NOW that might help get you there?

Friday Forum: Light Up the BBQ

We don't know about you, but we think barbecues are one of the best things about the summer. It's quaint cousin, the picnic, is also nice, even if it's not quite the same.

What are some of your favorite summer foods? Do you get to BBQ or picnic as often as you'd like?

Don't Worry, Be Happy

CHICKS ROCK! is happy to have Kristina back as a guest blogger this week.

Kristina Leonardi is the founder of The Women’s Mosaic. She is a career/life path consultant, speaker, seminar leader and expert in the areas of women, diversity and personal growth.


As the saying goes, there are three things that are certain in life: death, taxes and change. Change comes in all shapes and sizes, some more scary than others. Climate change, career change, graduations, marriages and relationships changes, TV changes, sex changes, change of residences, and regime change to name a few - and June seems chock full of them!

Most folks have a hard time with change. We'd rather stay comfy and/or miserable rather than letting go of our crutches and seeing what else life might have in store us. We cannot control things but we can control how we respond to them: we can resist and go kicking and screaming or we can accept that change happens, and just go with the flow.

Going with the flow means listening to yourself, and giving yourself what you need at any particular moment. The best way to navigate change is to trust in yourself and be your own best counsel, so it's important to have that 'muscle' in place as you go over the white water rapids of feelings that come with this thing called life.

Change is not always fun, but it's almost always for the better, because change forces growth and growth is good. And once the change happens, we can't be like a goldfish who lived in a fishbowl his whole life but then when put into the ocean still swims around in a little circle as if he were still in a bowl!

David Bowie tells us time can change you but you can't trace time. So this summer, if you feel you are ready to be hatched, then fly, be free! Not quite like Mork's egg, but more like Steve Miller's Eagle or with the help of Bob Marley's Three Little Birds and the wonder of that other Stevie who sings, Don't You Worry 'Bout a Thing.

In Memoriam

My aunt passed away this week, after being ill for a number of years. She was constantly going to the hospital for dialysis every three days, and she lived in the middle of a forest village! When I went to visit her in India after a number of years, I was shocked to see how remote it was, and what it must have been for her to live there, surrounded by trees and animals, with no hospital anywhere in the vicinity. I spent the night there with my mother in semi-detached quarters, which were connected to the main house but had its own entrance. The experience was frustrating, because I got little sleep because of the animals my mother perceived to be dangerous, and they were there just on the other side of the door. For a short night and early morning, I really stepped out of my comfort zone.

My aunt’s life was quite different than my mother’s; the former was born more than ten years before my mother was, and was made to get married at the tender age of 15, which was quite normal at the time. My mother told me that before she was pulled out of school, she was an excellent student. Years later when my mother faced similar pressures, she had the advantage of birth order and her mother’s support to continue with her education to become a nurse, and eventually settle in the United States. Through my aunt’s words and actions, it was hard not to notice that she felt left behind.

I was not close with my aunt; I had only ever met her three times before in my life. What I know about her is from my mother, who didn’t really know her either. She was only three when my aunt was married, so they never shared sisterly closeness. What my mother does remember is how opinionated she was, and what an excellent memory she had, even at the end of her life. In the end, I am glad she is is no longer suffering and at peace.

My Non-Vegas Vegas Vacation

Since I've been keeping all of you updated on my vacations, especially my trip to Vegas, it seems silly to not end up telling you how it went. In a word: splendidly.

I ended up going with just one friend who was with me for the weekend. It was great to catch up with her and together we ate some mediocre food and some delicious food, went out one night, and saw a show the other. Once she left, I had three days to myself, which I spent reading and lounging by the pool each morning and then in my room getting work done, reading, or watching Game Show Network the rest of the day. I even had my own private dance party in my hotel room one night.

As I hinted at last week, I spent more money than I budgeted, but there were some great treats that came along with that. Well, one great treat, really, with The Beatles: LOVE, Cirque du Soleil's popular show inspired by and set to the music of The Beatles. I'm a huge Beatles fan so I had already seen most of All Together Now, the documentary about how they put the show together. But I had never seen a Cirque du Soleil show and nothing could really prepare me for how entertaining it was. There's really only one thing I'm glad I splurged on in Vegas, and it was that.

But probably the best thing about my trip was spending time alone. Once there, I instantly realized how much I needed it, given how hectic my schedule has been. I can't remember the last time I spent more than a couple of hours with myself and it's been the same way since getting back. It wasn't enough to fully recharge, but it was a bit of breathing room.

So maybe my Vegas vacation was anything but your typical Vegas trip, but I still enjoyed it.

Do you like spending time by yourself while on vacation?

Post-Slump Progress

It happens to everyone. You lose steam on a project that once excited you. Dread waking up to go to work in the morning for a period of time. Drag your feet. Hit a wall. Lose focus. Drift aimlessly. Fall into a slump. Whatever you want to call it, it's never a good feeling.

I'm not sure what causes these slumps; surely it's different things at different times. If the cause is obvious, I tend to find it easier to deal with than when it's a mystery as to why I just feel a bit OFF from time to time. I got over a cold recently, yet even after my symptoms disappeared I still felt fairly slumpy. I felt myself struggling to create (which is my job, being a writer and all) and to relate (which is pretty essential in life and work in general). In short, I turned into a great big grump.

I was happy to realize over the weekend that my grump alterego has finally retreated to her cave. Hooray! Rising out of such a slump is both a relief and a source of excitement for me. I go to my computer in the mornings reminded of why I chose the work I chose, instead of annoyed that I have to do it. I feel productive and energetic and like I can start all over again. What could be better?

The one little question that tickles the back of my mind is: what did the trick? What helped me get over the slump? Was it simply a matter of time? Or did I inadvertently stumble upon some magical formula of strawberry cheesecake, peanut butter sandwiches and corny romantic comedies (Yes, these are some of my go-to items) that reversed my grumpy slumpiness? I feel that some additional research may be required....

When you feel stuck, how do you un-slump yourself?

Friday Forum: Reunited & It Feels So...

Whether it's a 10-year high school reunion or that group of kids you hung out with at summer camp ages ago, at times there seems to be a constant flurry of messages from people in your past.

Has anybody from your past ever tried to reach out to you again to get together? How did your reunion go?

Link Love for 6/2

There's been a lot of great stuff to read out there, so let's jump right in with the links, shall we?

Awaken Your CAREERpreneur gives real-life examples of how choosing something that seems off-course may be the best decision in the end.

Downtown Dharma reviews the movie Bridesmaids and offers a good life lesson we can all take away from it.

Girl w/Pen looks at something that affects all of us and our expectations for ourselves: stereotype threat.

In Good Company considers different ways of looking at entrepreneurship and what it means to make that choice based on the life you want.

Lindsey Pollak has a great strategy and helpful tips for getting a job by trying out (wait for it) blogging.

The Woodhull Institute's blog featured what sounds like a great book! It looks at what events in a woman's life impacts her happiness and self-confidence.

That's all we've got for today. What have you been reading and writing online? Leave links in the comments.

Tanning Versus Lightening

Now that summer has unofficially begun and the temperatures have climbed, I see everyone wearing lighter and fewer clothes and reveling in the sunshine. Sometimes I wonder if they have sun block on, and if they know that they have to re-apply it every two hours, no matter what color they are. In Western cultures, the general feeling is that being tan is best, and getting sun without getting sunburn is the best and inexpensive way to go. Of course there are tanning salons with tanning beds and spray tans, but nothing beats going to the beach and laying out in sun’s rays, premature aging and the possibility of skin cancer be damned.

When I was walking outside the other day, I saw a fair skinned woman of Asian descent walking with a bright red umbrella, which she had opened to avoid the darkening effects of the sun. It reminded me of my times in India and Indonesia, where dark skin is generally thought to be something that should be lightened for beauty. I would see commercials for skin lightening creams everywhere, and when I went to with a friend to a local Body Shop in an Indonesian mall to do a makeup test, they used lighter foundation for my neck and face at first; I told them to match my natural color. They looked shocked when I told them that I liked my skin tone and had no desire to be lighter. One time I made the mistake of asking for a bottle of self-tanner in a high-end mall’s beauty supply store; I walked away amused by the store employee’s look of horror at the idea of such a product.

I have no desire to sunbathe and expose my skin without protection in the afternoon sun, because I don’t want to damage it. I prefer self-tanners to “fairness” creams, which can be found at almost any Asian market. Staying healthy and even-toned are goals that are far more important to me than pursuing Western or Eastern standards of skin beauty.