The Lonely Holiday

Halloween is the loneliest holiday for me. I feel weird even putting that sentence in writing, because it sounds utterly absurd to me, but it's true. I know I'm very lucky to have always been surrounded by family and friends on the "big" holidays, which for me are Thanksgiving, Christmas and Easter. In my head, that's all that should matter. So, why do I always get myself bent out of shape about Halloween?

My childhood memories of Halloween are warm, but not earth shattering. My brother and I dressed up to trick-or-treat, but my mom never let us knock on strangers' doors, so the night was short and mostly spent at home. We often went to Halloween at the Zoo, which was awesome, but I know I can't hope to recapture that magic in adulthood. So, what am I looking for?

The thing is, it's not that hard to find stuff to do on Halloween in New York. People dress up and go out partying, but that's not exactly what I'm after. I went to the Greenwich Village parade alone one year, which was about the most depressing possible thing to do. I went another year with one friend, but we just stood on the sidelines and watched all the revelry. I always end up home early and inexplicably sad.

Last year I was lucky enough to be invited to a real Halloween party, costumes and everything, plus a screening of The Twilight Zone. People really came dressed up, and I finally felt like I was doing something to honor the holiday. I want to do that every year! I find, though, that I don't know how to plan a Halloween event, which is the obvious, proactive solution. Some element of shyness comes out in me, and I find it hard to go after what I want....which is just to dress up, eat candy and hang out with friends. Why is that so hard?

I don't know what the deal is with me and October 31, but I want to get in on it!

Any insights?