My Vision Board Is the Anchor to My Ship

CHICKS ROCK! is happy to welcome Vicki as a guest blogger this week.

Vicki Salemi is the author of Big Career in the Big City and The ABC’s of College Life, sassy freelance writer covering careers and lifestyle topics, dynamic public speaker, and die-hard Yankees fan!


When I attended TWM’s Visioning Workshop in March, I knew I was going to create a vibrant board but what I didn’t know at the time was how much power it would ultimately yield.

You know how life has a funny way of working, when you dive deep into your subconscious to find out what’s truly going on? Through Kristina’s guidance and innovative exercises, my board became a reflection of my goals and desires with my writing career (my second book, Big Career in the Big City, was published this spring), health and fitness goals (who knew I’d find broccoli so sexy?), personal goals, and the strong women I view as role models.

Well, five months have passed and I’ve already had three major A-HA moments, so intense that I literally stare at my vision board on my bedroom wall more than once a day (there are so many colorful, friendly images on it) to see what juicy happenings will leap off my wall and into my life! It's a refreshing way to begin the day as well as end it. (Another take-away was reminding myself that not everything fit onto the board. There were additional images in my pile that simply didn't fit, there's only so much room – symbolic for not being part of my goals and priorities.)

For my entertainment reporting, my critic’s quote for Sex and the City 2 appeared in print ads across the country, The New York Times, and television ads. Exciting! It wasn’t until I saw it on tv with Sarah Jessica Parker and my quote, “Fun and Fabulous” right beneath her feet did it hit me. SJP takes front and center on my vision board and the very same word graces her feet in the magazine cut-out with purple font: FABULOUS.

The next entertainment gig involved interviewing the Oscar-winning director for an HBO film featuring Ron Galella, pioneer paparazzi most known for his photos of Jackie Kennedy Onassis. Take one simple guess who is standing next to SJP on my board. That’s right: Jackie O.

And last but not least, I didn’t know it back in March when it was a figment of my imagination but I know it now: I’m going on a work-related trip to Sicily, my heritage, in September! And yes, there is a small map in the left-hand corner featuring Sicily. Get this -- all of the destinations for my trip are included in that tiny map. The map represents the itinerary that I didn’t even plan!

I’m at the point where I don’t think it’s a coincidence, nor do I think it’s freaky (though I was freaked out at first). Now, I expect amazing things that continue to occur and reflect images on that board. Suffice it to say, my vision board comes to life in ways I couldn’t even imagine! I expect the magic to keep on comin' as I remain open to the possibilities. Paging Dr. McDreamy...

What Happens Next?

With the month of August coming to a close, the reality that summer is coming to an end and that the year will be ending sooner than we know it has hit me. What else do I have to get done before 2010 comes to a close? Can I get another trip in before New Year’s Eve? What professional and personal goals do I have left to accomplish?

I have been back and forth about moving abroad to teach English again if my professional plans in the United States don’t work out this year, and it is looking like it is going to happen. I find myself in an interesting spot because I accepted one of the first positions I applied for overseas and went for it without much hesitation, but now I feel a little more cautious then I used to. I am still determined to make a decision in the next few months about where I will end up…all before the end of 2010. I think it has to do with me breaking the cycle of making safe decisions that will not challenge me enough and leave me in limbo.

At the same time, I actually have contentment in my daily life. I don’t believe in despair. I have goals I want to accomplish and I am willing to do the work to make them happen, but I am generally not a “glass half empty” person. I smile and even laugh at things every day, because I know that each day is a gift. It is good to be alive, and to sometimes not know what will happen next. I think this uncertainty makes life interesting.

Do you like not knowing what is going to happen next, or is it just too frustrating?

Style Funk or Funky Style?

For the past several weeks, I’ve really wanted a change in my appearance. I’ve been bored and have considered a drastic haircut, a dye job, a new wardrobe, even a second piercing on my ears. All because I’m in a bit of a funk as far as my own style goes.

I’ve never been one of those people who focus a lot on appearance. It’s not that I think people who do are shallow or anything like that; I just don’t have the energy to devote to it. Now that I’m more interested in thinking about what my style should be like or what type of makeup looks best on me, I’ve hit another roadblock: money. It seems that haircuts, clothing, shoes, accessories, etc. would all eat through my bank account very quickly if I actually started exploring this new style creativity.

Now I have a new plan. I’m going to start by getting up a bit earlier to play around with makeup more. I’m going to play dress-up at home to mix and match the few clothing items I own to figure out what works best, and applying the makeup I already own to see how it comes together.

I’ve also been having tons of fun with nail polish. Nail polish is cheap, and comes in more colors than one person could ever need (yet, it’s not nearly enough, it seems, as I keep buying them). There’s something I love about nail polish – it’s a pain in the butt to paint them and then wait around for an hour so they dry correctly, but the pop of color when I look down as I type or chop vegetables or whatever other daily activity just brightens up my day.

I probably won’t have the time, money, or energy to try all of the style tweaks I have in mind, but I think I have enough to keep me going for a while.

What’s your beauty and style routine? How do you break out of a funk?

New Heroines

I've been noticing a trend going on in television lately--new shows starring strong female characters in seemingly "tough" businesses. Several shows fit the bill this season: Nikita (CW) stars Maggie Q as a former assassin turned rogue, Piper Perabo is a new CIA agent on Covert Affairs (USA), and Rizzoli & Isles (TNT) features a female Boston P.D. detective and coroner duo. This trend only builds on existing shows like In Plain Sight (USA) where Mary McCormack's a U.S. Marshall or The Closer (TNT), starring Kyra Sedgwick as a Deputy Chief of the LAPD.

And it's not just law enforcement-style tough girls landing on the scene--Julianna Margulies plays a rockin' defense attorney on The Good Wife, one who overcomes sexism and scandal to hold her own in the courtroom. Edie Falco's Nurse Jackie (SHO) and Jada Pinkett Smith's HawthoRNe (TNT) show us familiar hospital settings from a new angle. I enjoy seeing more realistic portrayals of women in the workplace--playing politics behind the scenes and grappling with the roles of parent and professional

So what I wonder is, will the trend continue? Perhaps more importantly, in the long run, will these characters prove themselves to be women worthy of our attention? For me that means female characters who are sexy, but respected for more than their sex appeal; smart, but constantly challenged and empowered to demonstrate it; tough enough to take on the bad guys singlehandedly, but clever enough to call for back-up just in case. In other words: chicks who rock!

Have you found such women in television, film and media? Where?

Friday Forum: Checked In or Out?

From "beach bum" to "lazy summer days," the summer is known as the time for rest and relaxation. Between Summer Fridays and friends ditching work to head to the beach, it's hard to stay focused.

Do you stay engaged at work during the summer or do you make time to unwind? How do you keep your creativity and productivity flowing when everyone else has checked out?

We Want to Hear From You

It's been a while since we featured a guest blog post, and we're dying to hear from you!

How did you spend your summer? What do you have planned for the fall? How are your New Year's resolutions going? Have you had a significant life event that you're still dealing with?

We want to know all about the challenges, set-backs, and fulfilling moments you've had. Take some time to reflect on your year (or your life, really) and share it with us. You can read our past guest posts for some inspiration, or simply sit down and start writing your story. Be sure to check out our guest blogging guidelines if you're not sure what we're looking for.

We can't wait to read your posts!

Too Good To Be True

Have you ever been told you won something, but then found out there was a catch? Maybe more than one? I was recently informed that I won a cruise to the Bahamas after filling out an entry form at an amusement park last month; I wanted the first prize, which was $50,000. I was excited for a second, and then I was told that I had to go to the cruise ship company's office and listen to a presentation for one hour and I was required to have a particular annual salary per year, but I did not have to buy anything from them to qualify for the cruise. It sounded fishy to me, and since I did not meet the second requirement, I decided to pass. Even though I am cynical about these promotional scams, I am still taken in at times.

My mother plays the lottery whenever she gets the chance, and while I understand why she does it, I doubt we will ever answer the door to discover a group of well-dressed people with a cameraman, lots of balloons, and an over sized check for millions of dollars. Part of me dreads that scenario, because I know what would follow: estranged relatives and long-lost friends emerging from the shadows to kiss up to us for obvious reasons and becoming paranoid of anyone who tries to get close. I have seen people become more isolated and distrustful of others around them when more money comes into their lives. I would like to think that I could handle a fortune without succumbing to the pressures and fears of possessing it, but it is easy to say when it has not happened. I guess if something is too good to be true, it often is, especially when it comes to contests, lotteries, and other money schemes that can often blind us from reality.

Do you agree with my thoughts on these “too good to be true” situations? If you suddenly won the lottery, do you think you could handle the pressure and maintain your millions?

Circle of (Former) Friends

As I mentioned a couple of weeks ago, I’ve been spending a lot of time with friends lately, both new and old. It’s a pain to keep my schedule organized, my bank account isn’t too happy, and sometimes it’s almost like a second job to stay on top of all of my commitments, but the reward is great! I get to learn more about interesting people, and share the things I enjoy with others.

One thing that surprised me is how much I enjoyed spending time with people I hadn’t seen in years. Oftentimes, hanging out with somebody you were friends with in high school or junior high can be a bit… awkward. Everything’s fine during the general catch-up period – so what do you do, where did you go to college, are you in a relationship? And you can smooth out some silent moments by reminiscing –you’ll never guess who I saw a while back, remember that awful math teacher, whatever happened to that kid you liked?

But it’s what happens when you no longer have those questions that makes or breaks the encounter. Luckily for me, catching up with old friends reminded me of how cool these people were and made me realize how cool they still are. It was as if no time had passed and we were just picking up the conversations we were having a few weeks ago, not several years ago. Sure, there was still the catch-up, but we were able to laugh, learn new things about each other, and assess how much we had and hadn’t changed without it getting weird.

It’s a testament to how good of a time we had that future plans are already in the works. A party here, a yoga class there – I can’t wait to spend more time with them and make them a part of my life again.

Have you ever tried to reconnect with old friends? Did you regret it or were you pleasantly surprised?

Take One for the Team

For the past seven years, I've played in a Sunday afternoon church softball league. Okay, "played" is a bit of a stretch. I go to the games and now I'm one my church's team managers, but my role typically involves cheering from the bench and keeping score in our fancy little stats book. I'm very happy with this division of labor (read: other people doing all the work, and me sharing in the glory). Still, I come dressed up to play, just in case I'm needed.

This weekend, I got called up off the bench for the first time in a while. I'm okay on the field, but not particulary skilled, and I tend toward skittish when the ball's headed for me. But I went out, did my best, and what was strange was, it actually felt good

My performance? Less than ideal. I failed to stop a ball rolling right toward me in center field. I let another outfielder run up to catch a ball that was rightfully mine (I chickened out from calling it). I ran off third base at the wrong time and slid into home in an awkward, spectaularly failed attempt to pass the catcher. I got nothing but an out and a bloody knee to show for it. I walked off the field dusty and bruised, straight into the high-five-ready hands of my teammates. Who, instead of making me feel bad about it, celebrated my all-out attempt to score.

The reason I shy away from playing isn't because I'm so bad (usually) but because I hate the feeling of letting the team down. At the same time, I never mind when other people drop catches, or make bad plays, or run and slide at the wrong time. So why should I be so hard on myself? Everyone makes mistakes on the ballfield. Even the toughest guys on the team drop the easy catch occasionally, or swing all out into thin air (a strike), or try for a foolish run and get tagged out.

Maybe looking beyond the softball field, there's a life lesson in this for me, too. Even if the hit I have to offer isn't the best, there's a satisfaction in stepping up to the plate. There's always some level of risk when you put yourself in the game. No guts, no glory.

Friday Forum: Summers Past

The summer is a great time to spend with family - kids are out of school and parents might take extended vacations. Some of these things become traditions in the family.

What summer memories do you have from your childhood? Did you go camping, fishing, or traveling with your family?

Link Love for 8/12

We can never have too many link love round-ups over here, so it's time for another one. Check out what we've been reading on the web.

Girl w/Pen opens up about body issues and the pressure we have to hide certain parts of ourselves.

Global Sisters takes on the ever-important topic of violence against women, drawn from the inspiring story of Aisha.

In Good Company considers what it's like to be content with what you have rather than always looking forward.

Lindsay Pollak points out what everyone can learn about success from Joan Rivers.

One Writeous Chick shares how she went from teaching balance to teaching passion.

What have you been reading and writing online?

The Complexities of Travel

I am very interested in seeing Eat, Pray, Love when it opens in theaters this week. I am not a fan of any of the actors in the film, but I do enjoy the story: self-discovery, second chances, and fulfillment realized during a journey. I always find that I acknowledge aspects of personality when I have quality travel time. Many people think of travel as an escape, which it is, but I also feel that travel takes us out of our comfort zone and presents challenges that could never be faced at home.

Travel also makes travelers realize how much the same and different we all are. I am always surprised at the familiarity I feel when talking to people from other cultures about their lives, even though we may literally live on other sides of the world. As a native of New Jersey, I am often asked about what I think about a certain popular reality show with “Jersey” in the title, and I laugh because I have nothing in common with any of the people portrayed on the show. Yet having conversations about customs and societal expectations with my Indonesian friends always felt the opposite of foreign to me. I am always struck at how unpredictable my travel experiences have been, and I appreciate the feeling. I just think that travel is essential for personal growth; I know better than anyone that it is very expensive to keep up the habit, but I think putting aside a little money whenever possible for a trip to a new place at least once a year is totally worth it.

What are your thoughts on travel?

The Search for Quiet Time

This past weekend, my guy and our roommate went away for the weekend on a guy’s trip with a friend. One of my close friends – with whom I spend most of my time with, especially on weekends – was also out of town. This meant that for the first time in at least several months and possibly a year, I was home alone. And it was glorious.

Before I realized I’d be home alone, I had some goals for the weekend. There were several things I needed to write, some books I needed to finish and review, and I wanted to clean the apartment up a bit. This is the same weekend agenda I’ve had for weeks now, and it never gets done because there’s always something else coming up. Now that I was alone, I was able to read all of my books, clean the apartment up a bit, and write most of what I needed to write. There’s still a lot I need to do, but I got much more done than I have in long time.

But even more than having a productive weekend, I had a wonderfully uneventful one. It’s easy to get caught up in who wants to go where and what they want to do next; there’s never any real quiet time. I realized this weekend that I really miss that quiet time. I miss spending the day curled up on the couch with a good book in my hand and nobody around. And while I did miss my friends and there were some events I would have liked to make it to, I was so content with my weekend once it was over, that I’d do it the same way again.

I’m not going to stop going out or hanging out with friends, but I am going to try to take advantage of the quiet moments. Maybe I’ll head outside and read by the river, or go for more morning runs alone, but however I do it, it needs to get done.

Do you like spending time by yourself? Do you think you get enough quiet time?

Sounds of Me

After several years of saying I was going to do it, this week I finally started a playlist in my iTunes that I’m calling the soundtrack of my life. It’s pretty much exactly what it sounds like, except cheesier.

I’m collecting songs from old records my parents used to play, which remind me of childhood. Songs that make me feel like I’m still sitting on the yellow bus on my way to middle school. Songs that I listened to on my very first Walkman (yeah, baby), and the ones that remind me of church camp. Summer vacation. First kisses. Old friends. The cheesy songs we cried over at high school graduation, and one from the first CD I ever owned. Songs from the playlists my brother loaded on my iPod when he gave it to me, which I listened to for six months before I loaded in songs of my own. That kind of thing. My goal is to boil it down to about one or two songs per year of life, and I think it’s going to end up quite interesting. To me, and no one else.

I don’t know what the purpose of gathering these songs really is, except that it’s a fulfillment of a concept I’ve had in my mind for a while. I also don’t know why certain songs, out of the many tunes I’ve heard and enjoyed in my life, stand out in my mind and have the power to carry me back in time so viscerally.

What I do know is, over the years I have changed as much as music technology itself has. I can see in this special history of myself a certain evolution in my thoughts and emotions and the things that stir both. The process is both exciting and self-reflective, and much less of a waste of time than I expected!

What songs—new and old, errr, classic—speak to you, or tell the story of your life?

Friday Forum: Beach Reads

Summer is in full swing, and there have been plenty of beautiful weekends to lounge at the beach. We're the ultimate bookworms here at CHICKS ROCK! so, of course, instead of asking about your favorite swimsuits, we want to know what you've been reading.

What have your favorite beach reads been this summer? Are there any books you've been looking forward to reading before the end of the summer?

Time to Reconnect With Yourself

It's about that time again... Time to reconnect with yourself and get in touch with how to get what you really want. That's right, it's another Visioning Workshop! Take a break from the heat and focus on yourself.

VISIONING WORKSHOP: Using Your Creativity and Intuition to Gain Clarity, Find Focus and Manifest Your Dreams
Saturday, September 11th, 11:00 a.m. - 5:00 p.m.

Feeling a little confused with all that's going on with your career and the economy? Not sure what to do next with your life? Maybe your just a bit unsatisfied overall but can't exactly pinpoint what it is...

Our Visioning Workshop can help you sort it all out!

Come to our popular and powerful semi-annual workshop for a creative, transformative afternoon where you will make a collage to manifest your heart's desire - and you may be surprised as to what that turns out to be.

It's not unusual for participants to start new businesses, relationships, families or career paths as quickly as weeks or months after the workshop. If you are looking for both answers and results to help figure out where you are right now in your life and where you want to go next, this could be thing exact thing you need to push you forward and take you there.

COST: $75 for TWM Members; $120 for Non-Members
LOCATION: TRS Professional Suites, 44 East 32nd St, 11th Floor

RSVP on Facebook or by emailing sally@thewomensmosaic.org

CLICK HERE FOR MORE DETAILS

Making Sense of Violence

I am bewildered and saddened when I hear news reports about horrific acts of violence, particularly when the perpetrators know their victims. I always wonder what possesses someone to attack and even kill another human being, no matter how angry he or she might be. When I heard about the latest workplace shooting that killed nine and wounded two people in Connecticut, I thought about my life. Sure, I have known quite a few people that were cruel and mean to me, but none of them made so angry that I wanted to physically hurt them, or end their lives. I just never want to see them again, and this world is big enough so that can happen.

Journalists are already reporting about the possible motives behind the crime, which include racial bias, harassment, and being fired, with the latter being the catalyst for the tragic murder/suicide. There are obviously many more reasons that are far too complex for the media to cover, but it is obvious that the man felt so desperate to make his point that he used violence towards himself and the people he worked with. Was it the prospect of being unemployed in this economy, the rage of being harassed because of race, the fragility of his self-esteem as a human being, or all of the above that caused him to snap? Most of us can agree that the severity of violence was not justified. Even if some or all of the people who were killed and injured by the gunman were/are racist jerks, they did not deserve what they got. My seventh grade teacher was one the most disagreeable bigots I have ever met in my life, but ending her life in a blaze of gunfire? No way!

We cannot operate under the assumption that something like this will never happen to us or anyone we know. I believe that being more civil to one another, following our instincts, and taking action when needed are all important preventative measures, especially in schools and work environments.

What are your thoughts on the matter?

A Resolution Check-In

A few weeks ago, Pauline updated us on her summer resolutions. It reminded me that I hadn’t updated you all on my own resolutions in a few months.

If you recall, I decided to take a new approach this year: instead of making one resolution for the whole year that I forget about and fail on, I decided to make quarterly goals. Every three months, I pick a new part of my life to focus on and make a mini-resolution. First, I zeroed in on health and fitness, and then I tried setting up travel plans but went back to health and fitness after a downward spiral back to where I was.

I did okay bringing the focus back to my health goals – I had spurts of near-obsessive gym activity and I’ve been eating much better in general. But I also had some long breaks from the gym and one too many birthday celebrations in the past month set me back again.

I also made a summer goal of spending more time with friends. I’m happy to say I'm completely winning on that front! I’ve spent time with friends I haven’t seen in ages, I have a weekly date with one of my good friends, and those birthday celebrations that messed up my fitness goals did give me a chance to meet cool people.

In the next few days, I’m starting a new workout routine. It also turns out that a few opportunities to travel are starting to line up. I love how things are coming together even when I put them on the backburner for a while!

I’m still not sure what my final resolution will be for the year, but I still have a couple of months to decide. Any ideas?

As Resilient as Glass

I visited a glassworks in Louisville, Kentucky, earlier this summer, where you could sit and peer through a huge picture window into the active glassblowing studio. I sat for over an hour and watched an artist and his assistants sweat over a single vase, thrusting the glob of red-hot, molten glass in and out of the flames, pinching and turning and shaping and blowing it just so with each extraction. Fascinating.

In the time I watched, the artist drew the vase in and out of the fire once every minute or two, working it, studying it, and finally he held it up for a long inspection. I thought he was finished, he had paused so long, but then he shook his head and slammed it back in, allowing it to lose its shape entirely. He drew out the pulpy mass and started over, scrapping an hour's work, at least. Not angry, just matter-of-fact. You could see it in the set of his shoulders. Not bad, but I can do better.

The heat must have been unbearable. I felt pain for him, as he destroyed his work and started again, but his attitude about it gave me inspiration and hope. Because things don't always go as we plan, the first time. And if you don't give up, there are better things on the horizon. It's as true in life as it is in art, whether it be glassblowing or writing, which is my own stock-in-trade.

Attached to the studio there was a shop and museum of handblown glassware and glass art. I fell in love with about a dozen amazing works of art. In the end, I wasn't able to afford anything in the whole shop, apart from the trinkets at the checkout. I bought a small disk of pale blond-colored glass, swirled with strands of copper and gold, etched with the words SCRIBE DEEP.

It's small--about the size of a half dollar, only thicker, like a Nilla wafer--but it's quickly becoming a favorite touchstone for me in my writing life. A reminder that it isn't enough to go through the motions, but that I have to dig to find what's important. And, that it's okay sometimes to scrap a project and start it over, when I know I can do better. It's not the same as giving up, when the raw material (or, in my case, the idea) is still alive in the flames, ready to be drawn out and made into something beautiful.

Friday Forum: BBQs and Picnics

You probably didn't know this, but July is the National Picnic Month. Picnics and BBQs are both great ways to bring friends and family together over something most all of us love - food!

What are your favorite BBQ and picnic recipes? Do you ever host or attend picnics or BBQs in the summer months?

Link Love for 7/29

There's so much great stuff online right now, it's time for another roundup! Check out what we've been reading and be sure to leave a link in the comments to what you're reading and writing on the web.

Girl w/Pen tackles gender inequality, particularly the claim that housework is gender neutral.

Global Sisters calls out the Arizona immigration law for not only being racist, but anti-women.

In Good Company considers teaming up with a buddy when you own your own business.

Lindsey Pollak points to 5 career "super foods" you need to succeed, like setting daily goals.

One Writeous Chick has a touching piece about a friend she recently lost.

Woodhull Institute's blog talks about what high heels stand for when it comes to women and power.

Roller Coasters and Life

I recently went to an amusement park and re-discovered my love for roller coasters. The whole process of waiting on line, (my least favorite aspect, especially when the wait is long and the weather is unbearably hot) getting strapped to your seat, accelerating forward, the ride itself, and then the feeling of triumph after it is all over was an experience that constantly that day, and it made me think about how we should always do something that makes us step out of our comfort zone. Even when I remembered news reports of malfunctioning equipment that caused injuries and even death at amusement parks as I waited on line to ride for each ride, I quickly swept my worries away to enjoy the day.

After each roller coaster, I realized how much each ride on them reminded me of how life can be. There is a beginning, middle, and end, and it all goes by so fast; in between there twists and turns that catch us off guard, but ultimately we can survive and conquer our fears if we are smart; and life really is what you make of it. Some people hold their arms up on roller coasters and enjoy the ride, others close their eyes and wait for the experience to end, some refuse to go on any rides that frighten them, and then there are those who aren’t ready to raise their arms up, but they are getting there. I find myself in the latter category when it comes to roller coasters and life. I am willing to take chances and risks that will challenge me, but there is always some dread and fear on my part before it actually happens. I will continue to face my fears and challenge myself, even when my laziness attempts to get the best of me.

I am preparing myself for more roller coasters in the near future. In life, I think we all should prepare for the unexpected and challenging, if we haven’t already.

When TV Takes Over Your Life

I never thought I’d say this, but I’m afraid TV has taken over my life! I’ve always watched, of course, either in the background or obsessively, as with Lost. But in general, if I had somewhere to go, chores to catch up on, or just some reading I wanted to do, I was fine with stepping away.

Now, watching is practically my job.

Through the various outlets I write for, I’m responsible for recapping four shows at the moment: Big Brother, Burn Notice, So You Think You Can Dance, and True Blood. That means there are about six hours of television I have to watch each week. This doesn’t sound like much, but when you’ve treated TV as casually as I have, this is a complete TV takeover. The worst part is that these shows are on the same three nights of the week. Whenever somebody asks if I’m free on a Sunday, Wednesday, or Thursday, I’m now in the habit of saying no almost automatically.

The good thing about this is that I’m forced to write at least six posts a week because of it. As somebody who has struggled in the past with just putting pen to paper (or keyboard to screen?), it feels good to constantly be writing. Missing a recap is simply not an option, so I have to write something. Of course, that means I also have to watch, even if I don’t get home until midnight because I was celebrating a friend’s birthday – see why I’ve started declining invites?

But I’ll stop complaining now because the good in this does outweigh the bad, especially since it means I’m doing more of what I love: writing and sharing the things I enjoy with other people.

Dearly Beloved,

People always like to break the world up into binary groups, and I usually resist that, because I too-frequently end up on the fence between the two sides. For instance, in keeping with last week's Friday Forum, one might say there are two kinds of (single) people in the world: Those who want to get married, and those who don't.

Ummmm.....Fence, party of one?

I will say, however, that I've decided there are two kinds of weddings: Those that make me feel lonely and those that make me believe in love. I've been to a couple of weddings recently, and I consistently find myself turning all girlish and teary at the sight of a bride walking down the aisle. Gets me every time. Now, I can honestly say that I've never felt pressure to partner up and settle down--not from my family nor my friends, and not even from within myself--but sometimes I get a little nagging feeling like...is it ever going to happen for me?

Ninety-nine times out of a hundred, this little feeling is matter-of-fact, not a source of distress. I figure, I'm enjoying my life and I have time. I'm lucky enough to live in a community where it's not unusual to find unmarried women of my age. I have friends, and I'm learning things about myself, and I negotiate the world enough to feel that I have options. So I count myself lucky. But when I'm sitting in the pew watching a great couple exchange vows, I think that it must be amazing to know that you will be side by side and hand in hand with someone forever.

Yes, I'm a romantic at heart. So how do you explain what happens next? I blot tears from my eyes, and by the time dinner is served and the music is pumping and I'm rocking around the dance floor with all our mutual friends, I've forgotten I even have tissues in my purse. And I tend to avoid vying for the bouquet.

Friday Forum: Wedding Wows and Woes

Traditionally, the summer months are wedding season. Every year, millions of people get married, but the summer months are a time of love and high stress for a lot of couples.

What are some of your own wedding stories? What were the highs and lows of your own wedding planning? What are your favorite memories as wedding guests - sweet surprises or funny moments?

Like a Fish Needs a Bicycle

CHICKS ROCK! is happy to have Kristina back as a guest blogger this week.

Kristina Leonardi is the founder of The Women’s Mosaic. She is a career/life path consultant, speaker, seminar leader and expert in the areas of women, diversity and personal growth.


John and Abigail Adams. King Hussein and Queen Noor. Bill and Melinda Gates. Barack and Michelle Obama. These are just some couples who appear to have a great partnership as well as romance and passion in their marriages.

Back in the day (and in some parts in the world still) especially for women, being hitched was linked to survival or a business transaction between families. In 2010, where we can now lead successful independent lives, where does that leave us with the whole question of saying "I do"? (For an interesting musing on the subject check out Liz Gilbert's recent book, Committed.)

The 'fruits of feminism' have at times confused us all. As I recently heard in a lecture by sociologist and masculinity expert Michael Kimmel, if a woman is captain of the ice hockey team and top of her class at Yale, the guys subconsciously think, what the heck does she need me for?

Whether a woman or a man we all have needs, and then things we think are needs. You may not need another person to take care of you physically, emotionally, financially and/or spiritually, but everyone wants someone to love and to be loved in return, whether you're woman, man or even a fish. We look for partners, friends, lovers, intimacy. And that has nothing to do with what gender you are, era you were born in or who the object of your affection may be - it is a timeless, eternal and basic human instinct.

But before you tie the knot with another (or at any point throughout your nuptial bliss or blitz) I always recommend marrying yourself first- whatever that means to you. Because if you don't promise to love, honor and cherish yourself, then why would anyone else?

Can't quite make it to the altar with yourself or your beloved? I'm no Dr. Ruth, Millionaire Matchmaker or internet-ordained minister, but I can serve as 'justice of the peace' and help you discover that first comes self-love, then comes some form of marriage, then comes whatever it is you desire, even if it is just a cabbage.

Dreaming In Reality

I am like many others who often think that many of my problems will disappear once I achieve some level of personal or financial stability. I was thinking the other day about owning my own house, and how everything else will fall into place once that happens; I shook myself out of that reverie once I realized how fanciful my thoughts wered. It is always good to dream, and it is my opinion that those who claim that they don‘t are either lying or have given up on life. At the same time, we should not live primarily to dream. Life is messy, and the things we dream about may not always come to be, but sometimes this is for the best.

I once knew someone who told everyone that she wanted her future husband to be tall, dark, and handsome. She couldn't imagine anything different from the image she had in her mind, so when she first met the man she would eventually marry, she did not think of him as “husband material.” Eventually her fantasy of the perfect man changed as she learned more about his good qualities, and everyone who knows her can see she is with the right person; maturity and reality became her guides as she shed her unrealistic dreams of perfection.

Not all dreams should be significantly altered or given up completely; being successful at a career you love is entirely possible, even if there are obstacles on this ascending path. I just think that we as human beings should learn to adapt to the ever changing flow of life. Sometimes what we dream of changes completely or becomes a reality in ways we never would have imagined. I also think that as we work toward making our lives better we should enjoy moments in the present. I don‘t mean to be ominous, but none of us really know how long we have in this life! Finding happiness in the present is important as we move forward to an uncertain future.

Do you agree with my thoughts on dreams and reality?

Ditching the Plan

I’m usually a very organized person, planning things well in advance. Even when I decide to do something last-minute, I still take a moment to think about a plan before getting started. This weekend took me out of my comfort zone, but I had a great time.

It started on Saturday, when I had a birthday party planned for my guy. I wanted to get up early to make sliders, chicken tenders, etc. before anybody started coming over. But it didn’t exactly turn out that way… Everyone got up late, so I couldn’t clean up or get started with cooking until quite late in the day. By the time we were getting food in the oven and on the stovetop grill, there were already several people in the apartment. My sister was surprised and said “Why didn’t you already have this done? This is not like you.” But instead of dwelling on it as I normally might, I had fun with it and focused on getting it done. I missed out on the beginning of the party, but the food was a hit.

I guess that attitude carried over to the next day. The only plan I had for the day was an early workout and then cleaning the apartment. After the workout, however, we decided to grab lunch at a cute spot nearby. Then my guy decided he wanted to get his tattoo and asked us if we were interested in going with him. My sister and I headed down, and we both ended up getting tattoos at the last minute. Then, despite being exhausted and planning to clean and sleep for the rest of the night, we thought it’d be fun to go to the movies instead.

After a weekend of ditching the plan and dabbling in spontaneity, I can definitely see the appeal. Sure, I’m beyond exhausted and the apartment is a mess, but I had a great time, I got the tattoo I’ve been wanting for a while, and spent quality time with my sister. I may be doing this more often.

Old Familiar Pages

I've taken a bit of a break from my work life over this past week. I'm calling it "vacation," as opposed to "slacking," but in reality, it's probably somewhere on the borderline. Basically I've been sitting around watching movies and new summer t.v. series by night, and by day, poring over my bookshelves and re-reading some favorite volumes.

I'm a big fan of re-reading books. They fall into different categories for me, for example: 1) books I recall enjoying, but can't remember too much about the actual story; 2) ones I read and loved and remember, and just want to dive into again to recapture a certain feeling; and 3) ones I started but never finished, for whatever reason. Sometimes I know exactly what I'm getting into, and other times I'm surprised by what I find inside a familiar cover.

This time around I've tackled Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows (J.K. Rowling), The Hunger Games (Suzanne Collins), I Was Told There'd Be Cake (Sloane Crosley), and a couple of paperbacks each by Lee Child and Sandra Brown. I sometimes feel a bit guilty for reading books I've already read, when there are so many new books out there waiting to be discovered. And, for diving repeatedly toward such bestsellers, when there are many new young authors like myself whose work may entertain, comfort, excite, or inspire me just as much.

Books have a way of opening new worlds for me, and nothing parallels the thrill of turning a page and truly not knowing what happens next. Still, there are times when I want to be lulled by familiar words, to turn to characters I've already met and who I can return to as one might turn to good friends, and to look forward to a particular scene or turn of phrase that meets my mood at that moment. I crave new adventures, sure, but sometimes tracing a well-traveled path is wonderful, too.

Friday Forum: Globe Trotter

Summer vacations are a great time to explore new countries around the world. Even though vacations are only a few days or a few weeks, it's hard not to imagine what it'd be like to live in the places we visit.

If you could live anywhere in the world, where would you choose to live and why?

Summer Break 2010 - Day 4

It's day 4 of our summer break here at CHICKS ROCK!

Today, we want you to read through our guest bloggers' posts. Take a look at the diverse experiences they've brought to the blog, and be sure to submit your own post.

Summer Break 2010 - Day 3

It's day 3 of our summer break here at CHICKS ROCK!

Take a look back and read through Pauline's posts to connect with her thoughts and experiences. Leave a comment and engage on a post you like.

Summer Break 2010 - Day 2

It's day 2 of our summer break here at CHICKS ROCK!

Today, look back at read back on Sally's posts and connect with her thoughts and experiences. Leave a comment and join the conversation on a post you like.

Summer Break 2010 - Day 1

It's time for our summer break here at CHICKS ROCK!

Today, we encourage you to read back on Kekla's posts and connect with her thoughts and experiences. Be sure to leave a comment and jump-start the conversation on a post you like.

Friday Forum: Marathon Miles

The spring and summer is a busy time for marathon runners. The Boston Marathon a couple of months back was a major event, but there are various races left throughout the country and abroad before the New York City Marathon in the fall.

Are you a current or aspiring marathon runner? Do you have any marathons, half marathons or 50k races coming up? What are your personal goals?

Link Love for 7/8

Since we went so long without spreading the link love around, we think it's okay to have one again so close to our last round-up, right? So here are some great things we've read online recently.

Girl w/Pen lets us know about a new workplace practice "Results-Only Work Environment" that might be a great move.

Global Sisters shares the findings of a new survey that found gender equality is universally embraced, a promising finding.

In Good Company highlights a post about why you need to take a vacation without your kids.

Lindsey Pollak's blog wants us to learn the secrets of summer career success, like swapping magazines for bios.

NYWSE has a great piece up about using your unique skills to create positive social change.

Hope you enjoy the reading material. What have you been reading and writing lately?

A Sticky Situation

I recently found myself in a sticky situation with my downstairs neighbor, who I had never met before. I just come back from a vacation, and was sitting at my computer when I heard the woman enter through the front door. I heard her rummaging through her grocery bags for a few minutes, and then I heard her get extremely agitated. At first I thought she was yelling at herself, her cat, or at someone on the phone, because I heard her do so on several occasions. When I heard her addressing “the person upstairs,” I was shocked. She complained angrily about the possibility of her eviction, confusion about the rent, her astrological sign, and how she shouldn't be messed with. In other words, it made no sense.

I immediately starting wondering what it was all about. When I am in my apartment, I move around with soft slippers, socks, and my bear feet. I put down area rugs and rug pads in my bedroom and living room, which are requirements in my lease. I also don’t have a television or other noisy appliances that would bother others in the building. In short, I am a very respectful neighbor.

When the episode was over, I met with the assistant apartment manager of my building, who told me that the woman has had difficulties with former occupants and other management personnel. He offered to meet her to ask if she needed anything, and then introduce me to her. I went along with the plan, and it worked out well; I even shook hands with her twice. I walked away from the meeting relieved and a little sad; she appears to have little social contact with people, and her physical and mental capabilities are definitely declining. We did not bring up her earlier tirade, and I sincerely hope it doesn’t happen again. If it does, I will make sure to take appropriate action. For now, I am glad I handled the situation with tact.

How do you handle difficult situations like these? What would you do differently?

Back to School for Your M.R.S.?

I was talking to some friends a few weeks ago and one of them revealed a shocker - at least to me. He mentioned that all of the women on his team at work have admitted that they went to business school was to find a husband. In the 21st century? Really?! There must be cheaper ways to meet men, no?

We didn't talk about this for very long because it was mentioned during a bigger discussion, and either way, the women weren't there for me to ask personally, but this still struck me. I'm going to have to assume, for starters, that nabbing a man was only part of the reason. Business school is expensive, after all, and these women are now working for a major corporation so it's not like they're the 1950s M.R.S. degree stereotype.

But... still. The fact that these women would openly admit that they wanted to go to business school to get a husband makes me think that 1) there must be at least some truth to it and 2) it must be more than a tiny part of their thinking. Which I find shocking and confusing.

Graduate school is really expensive nowadays, and finding something compelling enough to keep your interest for at least a few years is hard. Not to mention the fact that once you get to grad school, you have to work hard and keep your attention on your studies and advancing your career. The idea that, on top of those worries, somebody would want to search for a spouse seems strange to me.

Am I alone in this? Do any of you know somebody who went to grad school to find a husband? What do you think of this?

Twilight Too

Sally's post about the Twilight series rang a bell with me. I, too, am a devoted fangirl of Harry Potter and my new fantasy love is Suzanne Collins's The Hunger Games trilogy, yet, I can't get into Twilight. Part of me wishes I could get it, but part of me is glad to be on the outside of this particular trend.

I read the first book, saw the first movie, and had no interest or intention of continuing to follow the story. This weekend a group of friends dragged me to see movie #3, Eclipse. I confess, I enjoyed the film, despite moments of confusion about the larger arc of the plot. In talking with my fangirl friends after the fact, I began to understand the appeal a bit better--but this understanding left me a bit unsettled.

Here's my problem. The basic premise of Eclipse is that Bella loves Edward (vampire) but also has feelings for Jacob (werewolf). In order to be with Edward, her "true love," Bella must sacrifice her humanity, cut herself off from her family forever, and become a vampire. Jacob, meanwhile, tries to convince her to be with him, because he can accept her for who she is, no change required.

When it comes to choosing teams, I'm with Jacob all the way. I like a good love story, and I get that relationships involve sacrifice and compromise, but I'm uneasy with the message that a girl should give up everything for a guy, even one who promises to love her forever. My fangirl friends argue that I'm reading too much into it, and I should just go with the fantasy. What do you think? Am I a major spoilsport?

Friday Forum: Holiday Plans

With Canada Day behind us, and the 4th of July this weekend, let's celebrate!

What do you do to celebrate independence each year? Family picnic? Watching the fireworks? A weekend abroad? What do you have planned for the holiday?

U S A

CHICKS ROCK! is happy to have Kristina back as a guest blogger this week.

Kristina Leonardi is the founder of The Women’s Mosaic. She is a career/life path consultant, speaker, seminar leader and expert in the areas of women, diversity and personal growth. Join her at Dream Job Hunting on Monday, July 12.

I had not paid much attention to the World Cup until last week when I happened to catch the second half of the US-Algeria game. The best part was that I was watching it on Univision, so when the US won, the emotional factor went off the charts with the Latin announcers scream-singing "GOOOOAAAALLLL" accompanied by the unbridled enthusiasm that only they can express about the how and why of the win, especially after the bad calls against them in previous games. "La esperanza! La fe! El corazon sobre la forma! La lucha y el espiritu de este equipo que triunfo, que es justo!..."

If you don't speak Spanish, the gist is this: it was all about the spirit,determination, fight and heart of the team, not necessarily anything technical that got them the win. After that, I watched with excitement their dramatic game with Ghana on Saturday. Although they did not advance further, Team USA surely did not lose.

The flamboyant, gender-bending US Olympic figure skater Johnny Weir has had ups and downs throughout his career and his share of unfair marks by international judges. All along he refused to be anything but who he is and always excelled when he put the "Johnny" back in the performance along with his love of the sport, and his costumes.

Although he did not bring home a medal from Vancouver, he skated his personal best and received incredible press, speaking engagements, his own reality show and a bright future ahead. Because he worked extremely hard, remained genuine and let his spirit shine through, Johnny surely did not lose.

What both our soccer team and Weir have in common is that they represented the USA with passion and perseverance, and in true American style embraced who they are, carried on in spite of all obstacles and were victorious in their own ways.

In honor of our upcoming Independence Day, let your Unique Spirit and Authenticity overtake whatever you do and see what happens!

Independence Wasn't Easy

When visiting Massachusetts recently, I felt the strong connection between the present and the past in many of the places I visited. Many areas in New England preserve and honor American history before and after the American Revolution, which I appreciate. The holiday isn’t just about fireworks, barbeques, and pool parties; blood was shed so that thirteen colonies could break free from an oppressive monarchy to become a nation in its own right. I try to remember the meanings of holidays that many of us take for granted, including our Independence Day, because I know there are many parts of the world that do not enjoy the same freedoms that we do. As a dark skinned woman, I felt at ease traveling to various parks and other points of interest without fear; others like me in other countries may not have those same freedoms.

The historical events surrounding Independence Day did not result in complete freedom for everyone, as we all know. Slavery did not end until the following century, Native Americans were deprived of their lands and their way of life, and women did not have the right to vote until 1921, but it was still a step in the right direction. The Declaration of Independence and the U.S. Constitution laid the groundwork for the progress in our country, and both are still admired today. In the middle of all of the Fourth of July celebrations that will be taking place this weekend, I will take at least one moment to think about all of the hard work and sacrifices made by countless people (some we know by name, and many others who we will never know) that have given us the freedoms we have today. As we know from news reports, history books, and perhaps from our own lives, living free does not come easily, even though it should.

Twi-what?

I'm assuming you've heard of Twilight, right? Unless you're living under a rock or are completely out of touch with popular culture, it's hard to think that anybody isn't at least vaguely familiar with the vampire series. Twilight has captured the attention of millions, dominating and influencing entertainment and pop culture for the past few years. Everyone from tweens to moms consider themselves Twi-hards, except for all of us who, well, don't.

Consider me in that camp.

My job requires me, among other things, to stay in tune with what's going on in entertainment, so the premiere of The Twilight Saga: Eclipse this week is kind of a big deal. Which is all well and good, except that I'm not at all a fan. I'm not into vampire lit, and I can't think of one romantic novel I've ever truly enjoyed. I watched the first film and was bored to tears. I just can't get into it. And now I find myself having to learn all about Bella, Team what's-his-face vs. Team that-other-guy, werewolves vs. vampires vs. more vampires (or something?), and so forth.

In realizing just how little I know about this series, I got a strange feeling of being an outsider. For Harry Potter, I was committed. Lost? Never missed an episode. Sex and the City... Dexter... True Blood... I can easily engage in discussions about these cultural phenomena. It makes me feel strangely disconnected to know that I'm missing out on this one.

Then again, I think I've dedicated enough time to overly excited fandoms as of late; I could use a break.

Are you a Twilight fan or have you also stayed off the bandwagon?

The BIG 3-0!

Well, as of this weekend I've officially crossed the threshold from 20s into 30s! I always planned to throw a big party for myself on my 30th birthday, but as it happened this year, the American Library Association decided to throw one for me!

Okay, not for me, exactly, but I came to their annual conference determined to get my little piece of the celebration and festivities. On Saturday I signed copies of The Rock and the River in Simon & Schuster's booth at the ALA conference expo. Then I hung out with friends from Vermont College of Fine Arts who surprised me with an Alumni Achievement Award (I cried) followed by a yummy restaurant dinner complete with key lime pie and a pink candle!

Yesterday I attended an awards banquet, where I found myself surrounded by well-known and up-and-coming YA and children's authors. Strangest of all, I began to truly feel that I could count myself among them! Which brings me to the real reason I'm here at the ALA conference: because my book was selected to receive the Coretta Scott King/John Steptoe Award for New Talent!

Tomorrow morning, at the frightening hour of 7am (!!!! I am such a night person, people. It goes against nature to expect me to function normally before the double digit hours of the morning....but for the CSK Breakfast, I will muster!), I will receive my award, and have my moment to thank the Academy...errr, the CSK selection committee. It's so exciting!

All in all, my 30th weekend did not go as I orginally expected, but I certainly feel the occasion has been extraordinarily well-marked.

Friday Forum: School's Out

For a lot of out there, summer means more than just warm weather; it also means that school's out. For students and parents alike, this can either be great or awful - it means no classes, but also too much time on your hands.

How do you spend the summer? If you're a student, do you take classes or get a job to keep you busy? If you're a parent, do you take more time off to spend with your kids? For everybody else, do you still feel like a student when the summer starts?

Link Love for 6/24

It's been a while since our last link love round-up, so here's some of the great stuff we've been reading online.

Girl w/Pen does a great job of addressing some of the concerns raised about how feminism affects the family.

Global Sister celebrated Father's Day with a piece about the incredible men who stand up as advocates for women.

In Good Company has an interesting post about whether or not having a safety net makes a new business real (the discussion can apply to other areas of life).

Lindsey Pollak's blog features a guest post exploring the jobs that matter for millennials.

One Writeous Chicks delved into the power that fear can have to spring you into action.

Savvy Ladies wants you to have some financial foreplay - getting to know your partner's money, matters.

Be sure to check out these links and leave a link to what you've been reading or writing in the comments.

Summer Resolutions

Summer officially began this week, and I already realize how fleeting the season is. The days are longer, the weather is much warmer, more people go off on vacations and wear less clothing than they usually do, but I am always amazed at how little I accomplish during this time. I already feel that this summer will be different, because I began the season accomplishing more of the things I have always wanted to do. One of these is to travel to places in the United States I have never been to before, I am currently doing that.

To keep the momentum going, I plan to continue to keep myself motivated by not overwhelming myself with too many projects that will be impossible to complete.
Many people make the same mistake when they make New Year’s resolutions, and I am determined not to repeat the same mistake for the summer season. I hope to do more outdoor activities for my health and for general wellness, because working out in a basement can’t beat sweating it out in sunshine and breathing in fresh air. I have recently fallen in love with hiking again, and I want to do more of them as long as the weather stays pleasant. I think my renewed commitment to participating in more outdoor activities comes from seeing the negative effects of sedentary lifestyles on people around me. It isn’t just physical health; I believe that our mental state is a reflection of the external world around us. Summer is a great excuse for me to do this and other things that will hopefully stay with me all seasons of the year.

What new plans do you have the summer?

Female in Relationship Seeking Friend in Relationship

It’s funny that Kekla posted on relationships yesterday, because what I’ve wanted to touch on for a while is friendship… as it relates to relationships.

I’m lucky to have a good core group of friends that I can turn to for almost anything. I have friends who I know can always make me laugh, friends who give great professional advice, friends who I have a lot in common with, and plenty of friends that I just love being around. What I don’t really have, though, are friends that I can easily turn to for relationship advice, or to simply let out my feelings about my relationship. Let me elaborate…

It’s easy enough for my friends to indulge me in general griping – when he’s made a mess in the kitchen, when he’s calling too much, when he’s not calling at all, etc. These are small things I can quickly release, make fun of, and move on from. But anything deeper than that doesn’t work. Most of my friends are single, so the number of conversations that end with “well at least you have a guy” (either in words or in general attitude) are many. Then I have friends who are in relationships, but who I don’t feel comfortable getting advice from because the dynamics of their own relationships are not what I want in mine. The advice they give me is well-meaning, but not anything I’d follow.

And so it is that whenever I am having one of those moments when I need to let out any frustrations or anxiety, or when I just need some really good advice, I usually have to look inward or get advice from a book. So far this has been an adequate strategy, but I can’t imagine it being successful for much longer. Now I’m on a mission to find more friends in relationships that I admire, but something tells me that won’t be so easy.

Do you find that you can’t talk to your single friends about relationships? Or that you can’t talk about being single with your coupled up friends? Where do you turn for advice?

Love and Longevity

Pauline has posted about the pressures on single women (especially those “of a certain age”) to get married and settle down, and Sally has posted about the pressure on committed couples to throw a wedding. I tend to land in the same place they do on this issue, which is to forget about what others think and to move along at my own pace. I don’t worry about it—I just live and let live. But the topic has a tendency to resurface.

A recent Newsweek article* discussing my generation’s shifting attitudes toward marriage cited some intriguing and comforting (to me!) statistics. For instance, the article reports that the median age for marriage in the U.S. is 28 for men, 26 for women—the highest it’s ever been. And apparently waiting isn’t such a bad thing, because: “Every year we put off marriage, our chances of divorce go down.”

The article goes on to ponder the true question of our day: “If you’re going to wait, why do it at all?” If marriage is no longer economically necessary and singledom not so strongly socially taboo, why not skip the expensive party and look for completion in other ways? A woman can make her own living these days, but is it really true that the “old maid” taboo has lifted?

I love the idea of marriage, and I’ve certainly witnessed some strong and beautiful partnerships. In fact, this weekend I attended a lovely wedding ceremony for an old college friend. Yet, I can’t help thinking about all the ways the world has changed in the last half decade. It makes sense to me that the model for marriage set by the likes of Donna Reed and Leave It to Beaver has begun to shift towards something entirely new. The old joke about women going to college to get their “MRS” no longer applies.

In the old days, marriage meant stability and commitment and protection for both parties. Today, plenty of couples commit to one another without the formality. We still value the ideals of partnership and family, and the laws are slowly coming around to support unmarried couples. So what’s the big deal? Is it the same in the end, or isn't it?

*Jessica Bennett and Jesse Ellison. “‘I Don’t’: The Case Against Marriage.” Newsweek, June 21, 2010. p 42-45.

Friday Forum: Father's Day

Even though CHICKS ROCK! is geared towards women, we know that the men in our lives are also important.

Whether it's your father, husband, son or mentors in your life, how do you celebrate the father figures in your life? Will you be celebrating with them this weekend?

Valuing Your Voice

Over the past few weeks, you've gotten a chance to read from various guest bloggers, particularly about health and wellness. Hopefully, reading the words of others has reinforced how much we value the voices of our readers. That's why we want to remind you to submit your guest posts to us!

No matter what's going on in your life, or what happened in the past that you still remember as significant to you, we'd love to hear about it. Check out guest blogging guidelines and submit your post today!

Forgiving the Unrepentant

What do you do when someone wrongs you, you want to forgive them, but they are not sorry at all? It is a dilemma that many of us face, and we handle it in different ways. Some of us hold grudges for weeks, months, and even years, while others ignore the situation to avoid conflict, but the unfair treatment constantly manifests itself. Both responses are unproductive and wind up hurting the wronged person more than the one who did the bad deed. So how do we forgive the unrepentant and move on with our lives?

I am hardly an expert, but evaluating the situation from the inside out works for me. Can I work this out amicably? Did I do anything that I have to make amends for in this situation? If so, will making the first step repair the relationship? If the answer is no for each question, I change my tactics. The first thing I do is take a step back from the person and wait to see what happens. Many people will not say “I’m sorry,” even when they know they are wrong. I prepare myself to accept that I may never hear those words from my aggressor, because pride is often stronger than admitting the truth.

Someone I care about has been in this unfortunate situation with a relative for several years now. The initial attack shook her so deeply that she collapsed and was rushed to the hospital as a result. I was angry at everyone involved, including her, because I couldn’t understand why she made herself sick over untrue accusations; I realized later that the attack roused her insecurities, and the fact that it came from someone she cared about took a heavy toll.

My advice is to accept that you may never receive the apology you deserve, but to grant forgiveness anyway. It doesn’t have to be a verbal declaration; as long as you make peace with the past and move on, good fortune will smile on you more than anyone else in the situation.

Can you forgive those who are blatantly unapologetic?

Cheap Summer o' Fun

The summer is (almost) here, which means the time has come to take advantage of all the free and cheap events in NYC! I’m not a big fan of the heat, and I could do without the bugs, but cheap fun in the city makes the summer worthwhile.

Every summer, my sister and I keep an eye out for great events that we can enjoy that cost us little or no money. Broadway at Bryant Park is one of our favorites, and last year, Shakespeare in the Park gave us one of our best stories ever (camping outside of Central Park is something you don’t easily forget). Usually, our biggest obstacle is keeping track of it all, but this year, I refused to let that be a deterrent. We spent hours going through the various summer guides and calendars that come out, picked our favorites, and made a calendar listing all of the events we’re interested in attending.

The best thing about the calendar is that now we’re able to share it with all of our friends as well. We can pick out the events we want to go to together and coordinate from there. The way I see it, if somebody wakes up and decides they want to do something fun and free that day or the next, they can look at the calendar and surely find something. Between dance classes, outdoor films, festivals, and musical performances, there won’t be a boring week all summer.

What do you have planned this summer? Is there something you look forward to each year?

Between Projects

There's nothing more satisfying than wrapping up a big, long-term project. My favorite example is typing the final scene of a novel and tacking on "The End" for good measure. It's a great feeling to have finished something important - the sense of accomplishment, and relief, just can't be beat. A short while later, though, comes this yawning moment of possibility - what to work on next?

Sometimes, in the world of assignments, tasks and deadlines, the answer comes easy. You can move on to the next item on the to-do list and start all over again. Other times, what's next is far less obvious.

I happen to be caught in such a moment now. My work is largely self-directed, so there's no boss looking over my shoulder and inspiring my priorities. Sure, I have agents, editors and publishers to please, but at this particular instant, I've done what I need to do for them, so the balls are in their courts, so to speak. Which means I can turn my attention toward anything I want. Hmmmm.

The lack of direction is simultaneously exciting, confusing, and nerve-wracking. It's liberating to be aimless for a while, but it's also an important choice, which project I dig into. Because for an author, work now means money later, and it's not always so easy to determine what type of book will serve me best a year or more from now.

So I try not to think about that. I try to run after the ideas that tease and interest me today, not worrying about tomorrow. Sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't, but most days at least it keeps my fingers flying over the page!

Friday Forum: Healthy Living 101

World of Wellness, TWM's month focusing on health and wellness, is coming to an end this weekend. We've been featuring guest posts all month and we want to turn the discussion over to you.

What is one (or two or three...) health tip you learned that made a positive impact in your life? Whether it's a workout secret you learned, a great set of healthy recipes, or a stress-reducing tip - share your knowledge so we can all learn from each other.

My Journey to Look & Feel Good

CHICKS ROCK! welcomes Barbara as a guest blogger this week, as part of TWM's World of Wellness:

Barbara Charles lives in New Jersey and works as a full-time Ardyss International distributor. When she’s not working, she devotes her time to her 3 children and two grandchildren.


When I was first introduced to the Body Magic with its claim of “Dropping 2 to 3 sizes in 10 minutes,” I didn’t believe it, but I volunteered as a model and was amazed at the results. Rolls in the front and love handles disappeared… Instant hourglass shape… The Body Magic did not roll up or down, it was comfortable and my size 8 pants were now too big!

I decided right then and there that I would get involved in this business to help people look and feel good. I feel great when I watch the transformation of women who put on a Body Magic – I see their faces beam and their self-esteem get an instant boost. I’ve learned that it’s not just about changing the body; it’s about changing a person’s perspective and making them feel good about themselves. It’s also important to start living a healthier lifestyle, and giving them that boost of confidence is often what they need to start living that way. Everyone wants to change something about their body. Most people get overwhelmed at the thought of spending months dieting and exercising, and sometimes it’s easier to stay motivated if results are visible immediately.

The Body Magic is a product of Ardyss International, a health and wellness company. Our mission is to change people’s lives and help them maintain a healthily lifestyle. Ardyss has created a unique system, the Body Magic 2-Step System, which shapes you inside and out, transforming your outer appearance while improving your health.

Step 1: Wearing the customized Body Magic to tighten your abdomen and get the figure you’ve always wanted, while at the same time improving health. It also corrects the posture, lifts the breast and buttocks into proper position.

Step 2: Supplementing your health with the nutritional line which features Le’Vive (Mangosteen, Noni, Acai Berry, Goji and Pomegranate), in addition to a wide variety of multivitamins, fat reducers, regenerators and antioxidants, energizers, fibers, and digestive products that will revitalize you from the inside-out.

An appointment with Ardyss will change your life! As part of TWM’s World of Wellness, enter promo code 7328211020.

Low Expectations

It happens more than I like to admit: someone or something raises my expectations, and then disappointment sets in when the situation doesn’t work out. I recently spoke to a friend who was let down by a mutual friend who broke promises and trust. We have all experienced the fall out that comes from having “great expectations.” I have learned from experience that having the opposite works far better.

I am not being pessimistic or overly cautious by admitting this. I just know that by not expecting too much when I meet someone for the first time or get into any particular situation without knowing all of the facts, I am protecting myself from being crushed. I know people who are so dazzled by charismatic people that come into their lives that they give their trust and believe every word they say. I have learned to be observant and a bit reserved when I meet people who seem too good to be true; I am friendly without revealing too much of myself. Even after an initial meeting, I make sure to listen to my instincts when I am getting to know someone. After all, trust is something that should be earned rather than given away like party favors. Often the desire to build friendships and romantic relationships distracts us from listening to our consciences and picking up on vibes. Most of us walk away from bad situations with just our confidence shaken; others suffer much worse. For myself, I feel more comfortable with people who consistently keep their promises, and treat other people (including myself) with respect.

Having low expectations doesn’t mean I am unfriendly or unapproachable; people who know me know I am the opposite of both. I do have my guard up and ready if I ever need it, which helps when unexpected situations arise. This requires balance which some of us are better at than others. I just tell myself and those who care to listen that it’s better to be pleasantly surprised rather than cruelly disappointed.

Do you give your trust too easily?

A Bookworm's New Obsession

A couple of weeks ago, I was wondering what on earth I'd do now that Lost is over. A couple of days later, I realized that part of the problem is that this is the first time in 10 years that I don't have either Harry Potter or Lost to obsess over. I’ve been looking for a Harry Potter replacement for a few years now, but since I still had Lost to love, I wasn’t that worried. Until I didn't, and then I was.

Well, now I can quit mourning because my new obsession is here – The Passage by Justin Cronin. I received an advance copy of this book a while back, but between everything else I had to review, I just hadn’t gotten around to this massive text. Knowing that the release date was rapidly approaching and finally done with the other books I was reading, I picked it up and started reading over the weekend. And now, I just... can’t... stop.

I don’t really know how to describe this book, partly because I have no idea what’s going on and partly because it seems like one of those things that make you sound ridiculous when you explain it. It’s like trying to explain what a horcrux is to somebody who’s never read Harry Potter, or bringing up polar bears to people who don’t watch Lost... it’s just not worth mentioning. What I can tell you is that if you also have a hole in your soul that’s aching for Harry Potter, Lost, 24, Twilight, or whatever other work of literature or tv show you really crave, you should definitely check out this book. All 700+ pages of it.

Of course, the real reason I’m hoping somebody else will pick it up is because, like HP and Lost, it’s not something I want to experience alone. I’m having a really hard time keeping what I read to myself so – for the sake of my sanity – I hope somebody starts reading it with me soon.

Women of Substance

When I was little, my mom would sometimes say about the large black women we encountered, "Now there's a woman of substance." I think this may be a West African turn of phrase that she picked up in Cameroon, but I'm not really sure. Maybe it's just her thing. At any rate, I always liked the sound of it. Much better than "fat" or "heavyset" or "big-boned," as people used to say, and also better, I would argue, than current p.c. terms like "plus-sized" or even "full-figured."

I like this phrase because it speaks of something more than physicality, some kind of soul force that is somehow more visible in large women. A presence, a power that is inescapable. You know the kind of woman I'm talking about--the ones who bear children and run households and move mountains and can silence a room full of men with a look, but more often than not have yet to be fully appreciated in the world, despite their brilliance and grace.

I'm proud to say I recently witnessed two "women of substance" breaking through, and saw each honored for her wisdom, power and voice. I attended Yale University graduation last weekend, where the school bestowed honorary doctorates on Ellen Johnson Sirleaf and Aretha Franklin. Sing it, sistahs!

Aretha Franklin, of course, is the gospel-singing goddess known as the "Queen of Soul." She received an honorary Doctor of Music. Ellen Johnson Sirleaf, President of the Republic of Liberia, is the first woman elected to lead an African nation. She received an honorary Doctor of Laws. Of course, Yale didn't discover these divas--they've both been making their mark for years. But it is gratifying to see them being honored in new forms, in new venues, in front of new audiences, so that we may continue to be inspired by their gifts.

As women go, this pair definitely has a lot of substance!

Managing Stress in the Moments You Have

CHICKS ROCK! welcomes Jennifer as a guest blogger this week, as part of TWM's World of Wellness:

Jennifer Edwards MFA, RYT is a writer, body-mind maven, and social entrepreneur. She teaches stress reduction privately and through institutions including the American Heart Association and New York University.


I started focusing on stress management because I grew up with symptoms of chronic stress - irritable bowel syndrome, constant headaches, anxiety, mild depression, oral ulcers, and blurred vision. I experienced this while training as a dancer and eating organic food. I was a poster-child for ‘healthy living’, yet I felt ‘sick’ much of the time. Having undergone batteries of tests and consultations with specialists, I decided, as single mom and college student, to seek answers on my own. I had only 2 questions: why was I ‘sick’ and how could I feel better. My passion became healing myself in the minutes of spare time I had each day.

I have found that modern-day ‘stress’ is a learned behavior. Just like any other habit, you can change the pattern of engaging the primal, neurobiological stress response. When you react to a stressor or trigger, your body releases a series of hormones that create the following results: your heart pumps faster, your digestion and reproductive systems slow down, fats and sugars are dumped into your blood stream for quick energy, and your immune, vascular, ocular and mental systems are (overly) stimulated. This can keep you alive in a situation of real danger - while you fight off or run from a predator. When we engage this reaction multiple times, daily or weekly, stress symptoms can become chronic conditions.

In daily life we often react to situations we perceive as threatening; judgment, others' expectations, or loosing a part of our self-identities (parent, partner, or successful businesswomen). When feeling stressed, start with the knowledge that you are not in real, immediate danger. Understanding the relationship between your body and mind is the first step in managing and reducing stress.

I teach people how to implement mindful practices in the moments they have each day – segments of 30 seconds to 2 minutes. The next ‘Stress Reduction 101’ class starts June 22. Mention TWM and receive 10% off the cost of the class series, or a series of private sessions, as part of TWM’s World of Wellness.

Toast (or Dance) to Your Health

As you already know, TWM has been celebrating a World of Wellness this month, with email blasts, and health-themed posts here on CHICKS ROCK!. For those of you in NYC, the culmination of all of this will be two live events. Check out the details below and be sure to RSVP today!

Latin-Lindy Dance Class with Larissa Velez
Saturday, June 12th, 2-3pm

A high octane aerobic workout, dancing Swing Samba, Salsa and more! Open to all levels.

COST: $12.50 for TWM Members; $20 for Non-Members
LOCATION: Ripley Grier Studios, 520 8th Ave. bet 36th and 37th, 16th floor

RSVP & Payment in Advance Required: christianna@thewomensmosaic.org

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TWM's Healthy Happy Hour!
Thursday, June 10th, 6:30pm-9pm

Come celebrate the culmination of our TWM World of Wellness series- meet and consult with health and wellness providers, receive a Resource Guide, take home some goodies and have a drink (some studies have indeed shown this to be beneficial - but alcohol or not, it's healthy to socialize with TWM friends old and new!). Enjoy drink specials until 8pm!

COST: FREE!!!
LOCATION: SideBar 118 East 15th Street at Irving Place

RSVP to christianna@thewomensmosaic.org

Mid Year Assessment

When June arrives, most people think about their summer plans; vacations, parties, special events, the outdoors, etc. While I think about many of same things, I also reflect on what has already happened this year, and think ahead about the remaining months ahead. The halfway mark of 2010 is particularly important to me because I made some very important New Year’s resolutions last year. The arrival of June this year makes me think about what I have accomplished so far, and what needs to be done from now on.

As human beings, we are prone to procrastination. Some of us succumb to it more than others; I know that I have listened to the small voice in my head telling me to give up or delay finishing something I have started more than I like to admit. This year, I don’t feel as guilt-ridden as I have in previous years, because I have accomplished a great deal. I know I have much more to do, such as setting a course for my career, but what I have done so far gives me the confidence to move ahead with all of my unfulfilled goals.

It is a good thing to remember that every day we are given; we have a chance to do better than the day before. Whether it be exercise, diet, cleaning up the clutter in our living spaces, resolving our differences with a co-worker or loved one, reading another chapter of a great book that has been gathering dust on your shelf, each day gives us the time we need to accomplish our goals, no matter how big or small they may be. I know that unexpected occurrences always happen, but I persuade myself not to get too upset about what cannot be helped. Each day I am able to accomplish a goal, or at least move one step closer to doing so, I feel good.

Are you hard yourself when you don’t fulfill your own expectations? When do you give yourself a break?

Spring Cleaning Turned Shopping Spree

My goal for Memorial Day weekend was to do some major spring cleaning – clean the apartment from top to bottom, rid my closet of clothes that don’t fit me, organize the 8 (!!!) bags of clothes to donate or recycle, and then take said piles to Goodwill and the textile recycling at Union Square. Lofty goals for 3 days, but I was ready to make it happen.

That is, of course, until life got in the way.

On Friday night, when I was supposed to start my cleaning spree, a good friend of mine who I haven’t seen in a long time invited me out – I couldn’t resist! I spent all of Saturday cleaning furiously, and while I was able to make the apartment sparkle, my closet was still untouched. Sunday was so beautiful that another friend and I decided to spend a couple of hours reading in the sun… That turned into an evening cooking, eating and watching a movie. By the time I got home, I was too tired to attack my closet, but since I’d made plans to go shopping with my sisters on Monday (after cleaning out my closet, of course), I knew I had to get it done.

So I woke up at 6 a.m. on a holiday to sort through the 8 (!!!) bags of clothes I had, and I did some digging in my closet, but not nearly enough. Still, after lugging 2 huge bags of clothes to the textile recycling, I felt accomplished enough to take a break for the day. I’m glad I didn’t stress over it, because it was a great day with my sisters, shopping, strolling in the sun, and having lunch at one of our favorite restaurants.

Even though my closet’s still a mess and there are still about 6 bags/crates of clothing that need to get recycled or donated, getting to spend the time with my friends and sisters made it all worth it.

How did you spend your weekend?