It's All About Me

If you've been keeping up with my posts, I'm sure you've realized that I'm a bit lost right now. In search for answers, I made a collage a few weeks ago using the same process we use at TWM's Visioning Workshops. Some things stuck out to me right away and some I still haven't figured out. But the things I've figured out, I'm starting to take action on.

One of the themes in my collage is nature. I've got trees, grass, flowers, and dirt roads running through the entire thing. Given my feeling lately that I've been spending entirely too much time in my living room, I'm pretty sure these images are a reflection of that desire to go out and explore. There are also a lot feet -- bare feet, pampered feet, active feet that are running and jumping. I think this is probably connected to the same idea of getting out there, but I think it's also about taking care of myself. Exercising, pampering myself, finding time to be peaceful... it all goes back to paying attention to my own needs.

This really drives home the main thing I got from my collage: Me. I've now made several collages, and this is the first one that's all about me. In the past, they were about relationships with other people, life changes, career, etc. But this collage doesn't really have any of that. It has affirmations, images of some of my passions (music, writing, books), and things I take to mean quiet time with myself (blankets, hot chocolate).

I've always struggled with making time to nurture myself, but I've been trying much more since making the collage. I've started to work out again, and have been walking and running a lot. My guy is on a diet, so I've started to eat healthier just by being around him. I've also become more conscious of how I spend my time and want to decide what's still important to me and what I can afford to spend time on.

These next few weeks will be a bit bumpy, but at least I'm paying attention to the road signs again.

Have you ever made a visioning collage? If you're interested, be sure to check out TWM's next Visioning Workshop later this month.

Yesterday Stories

I love hearing people's stories -- the strange, exciting, dramatic, crazy adventures they've had. It's such fun when, in conversation, you happen upon a topic that reminds someone of a moment that happened months, years or even decades ago. I find a special joy in these moments when they occur with people much older than I am, who lived through the moments I read about in history books.

In the few weeks since my book came out, I've found myself talking to many about the 1960s. (My novel is set in 1968 Chicago.) When I describe the book to people who can remember that time, they light up. They always want to tell me where they were and what they were doing. I talked to people of different races who participated in civil rights demonstrations, and one woman who desperately wanted to, but was too afraid to step forward. I talked to a white woman who had attended Black Panther Party political education classes, and another who traveled to register black voters in Mississippi. Amazing stories!

Some of these revelations came from people I've known for years. Yet, I had no idea about this corner of their pasts. Now, new doors have opened between us as a result of these conversations. I've discovered stories lying under the surface that were there all along, right under my nose. I would've loved to hear these anecdotes while I was writing the book, hungry for material, emotion and experiences to weave into my characters.

So, I find myself wondering why these things never come up. I don't quite know the answer, but I think it's mostly because I never asked them. And many people aren't comfortable sharing certain things when they're not asked. Especially when it comes to topics related to race, I think. Or maybe it's the 1960s itself that's become taboo. All the progress we've made in civil rights and race relations seems to have made people feel like it is something that no longer needs to be talked about. Not so, friends.

My resolution? I'm going to make it a point to ask people for their stories. Starting with all of you:

What were you doing in 1968? 1978? 1988? 1998?

Friday Forum: Staying on Track

Now that March is almost here, we figured it's a good time to check in with our readers to see how everyone is doing on their resolutions and goals for this year. Are you on track to accomplish what you've set out to do in 2009? Have you hit a bumpy road and need some help gettin through? Let us know where you're at!

Link Love for 2/26

It's time for another round-up of some posts from around the blogosphere.

Feministing takes a look at some of the mixed feelings about the Picture of the Year, Slumdog Millionaire.

In Good Company has some simple advice for entrepreneurs this year: be visible.

Girl w/Pen considers stereotypes and how we inadvertently help to perpetuate them.

Lindsey Pollak's blog also offers some advice, tips on sprucing up your resume in a bad economy.

This is What a Feminist Blogs Like has a series of posts up for National Eating Disorders Awareness Week, including a look at their Declaration of Independence.

Savvy Ladies, meanwhile, wants you to create a smarter family budget.


Please share links to what you've been reading and writing online by leaving a comment.

The Inconvenient Detox

I just began a detox program, which requires me to take herbal supplements and to avoid sweets, tomatoes, seafood, and a number of other foods that have been staples in my diet up to this point. My reasons for doing it are many, but one of them is to make an effort to change bad habits, which we all know are hard to break. The detox puts many things into perspective for me; I can’t make thoughtless decisions about what, where, and when I should eat, or when to exercise. It is forcing me to approach my daily routines as a series of purposeful decisions, which will hopefully bring forth positive, long-term changes in my life.

The detox will also alter my after-work plans for the next few months. I also plan to bring my lunch to work instead of going out to buy it everyday. This early in my detox, I realize how much of an emotional challenge it will be (even more so than physical) to stick with my new regimen. There are birthdays and other celebrations coming up that will make saying no to cake, and other delicious distractions, extremely difficult. I may even annoy friends and family with my detox, but I can’t worry about what they think. This course of action is the right one for me.

A man working at my local vitamin supplement store told me that once I get through the first week of detox, my habits will change, and I will be less likely to go back to the way things were. While I will never say never when it comes to ice cream, chocolate, pizza and sushi after this period of cleansing is over, I have a feeling I may limit my intake of these and other favorites as a result. It is liberating in a way, because my habits (especially a bad one like my clutter issue) are like prisons of my own making. They may be easy to get into, but they are almost impossible to break out of.

Do you have any diet/detox stories to share?

Gender Roles at Work

It seems that every conversation I've had lately with friends about careers ends with the men figuring out what kind of action they're going to take, and the women saying they will "wait it out" and see what happens.

This isn't anything new -- men are socialized to be aggressive, especially about their careers. I've studied enough about stereotypes and gender roles to know that when something goes wrong, men are not as quick to blame themselves as women are. Women are socialized to be accepting of the position they have, and think that asking for more will make others see them negatively.

A close friend gave me a great example. She knows a man who went on an interview and then worked hard to cultivate the relationship with those who would play a role in the decision-making. He went out of his way to secure his position as a top candidate, and made it clear that he wanted them to choose him. Meanwhile, another friend of hers has remained in the same position at her job for 5 years. She had the opportunity at various times to work towards a promotion or to find a better position at another company. Instead, she wanted to remain loyal to her team.

Stories like these always make me feel like I should be doing more to advance my own position. I know that I now do a lot more at my job than what was originally expected of me. I've been able to use my skills to make the most of my position, and I know that if I keep this up for a few more months, I will most certainly deserve a raise.

What I'm not so certain about is whether or not I'll actually bring myself to ask for a raise. I convince myself that this is all they can give me, that I haven't been here long enough, and so forth. But would a man in my position be saying the same things? Would he at least try to ask for it?

How about you? Are you as proactive as you should be in your career?

Social Disaster

So, I was at a party with some acquaintances. Specifically, a party for one friend, which I felt obligated to attend, even though I knew very few other people there. You know this party. We’ve all been to this party before.

I knew what to expect: I’d come in late, sip something, try to seem interested in people for a while, greet my friend, then quietly duck out and return to the waiting arms of my DVR. Obligation over.

What actually happened was not so simple.

I chatted for about twenty minutes, right when I arrived. Fine. Then I stayed at the party for an additional two hours – without talking to anyone. Not a person. The whole time. Despite the fact that everyone in the party was circling around me, talking to each other, but ignoring me. This is not an exaggeration. It was WEIRD.

Two things to point out. First of all, I could have left at any time. I’m not claiming to be a social victim, here. I also could have initiated conversations. I’m often quiet, but I’m not afraid to talk to people I don’t know. I do it all the time.

At first I stayed because it was too early to leave without being rude. Then I stayed because I wondered how long it’d be before someone talked to me. It never happened.

I’m amazed that, one, I was able to stand there so long without anyone talking to me, even accidentally. Two, that no one noticed, at least not enough to rescue me. And three, that I wasn’t really all that uncomfortable.

What I experienced is one of the classic introvert fears: being at a party and not talking to anyone, or worse, no one being interested in talking to you. So why didn’t I care?

The answer I settled on (during the two hours I was alone with my thoughts) comes down to self-confidence. I may not have made any friends that night, but I know now that I like myself enough to not care what a roomful of strangers thinks of me.

Friday Forum: Your Life on the Big Screen

In honor of the Oscars this weekend, and those with active imaginations, we want to know:

Which film genre best describes your life as it is now? Is your life a drama, comedy, adventure, romance, or a suspense? Are you more Anne Hathaway in Rachel Getting Married, Angelina Jolie in Changeling, or Penelope Cruz in Vicky Cristina Barcelona?

We would love to hear your thoughts!

Announcing Monthly Meet-ups!

For all of those who'll be in NYC on February 24th, please be sure to stop by our new monthly meet-up!

The Women's Mosaic & CHICKS ROCK! Monthly Meet-up:
New Year Networking & Mardi Gras Anniversary Celebration!

On Feb. 24, come on out to kick off the New Year, celebrate Mardi Gras and toast to TWM's eighth anniversary at this casual meet-up and networking event with TWM friends, old and new! Mix and mingle while connecting over cocktails and learn more about TWM & CHICKS ROCK! in the back lounge at SideBAR, located at 118 East 15th Street at Irving Place just off of Union Square.

Event from 7-9pm; OPEN BAR from 7-8pm

COST:$10 suggested donation; FREE for TWM Members

You can RSVP any of the following ways:
If you're on Meetup, RSVP here. If you're on Facebook, RSVP to the event there (you can also join TWM's page while you're at it). Or simply send an email.

If you can't make it this month, don't worry! We'll be announcing the monthly meet-up dates for the next few months soon.

Domestic Violence Rages On

After hearing about Chris Brown and Rihanna last week, memories of the past bubbled to the surface. Most of us know someone who has been affected by domestic violence; some of us may even be survivors ourselves. I was forever changed when my 6th grade homeroom teacher and family friend was killed by her abusive husband. He violated a restraining order, beat her severely, and left her brain-dead. A week later, she died as a result of her injuries. Most of her family and friends were unaware of the years of abuse she suffered at the hands of her husband. Last week’s incident made me shudder inwardly, because it is just another reminder that domestic violence still runs rampant in our society.

It wasn’t too long ago that people were told to keep quiet and so that they and everyone around them would remain in a state of denial. While there is increased awareness and many legal and cultural changes have been implemented to protect and support survivors, domestic violence is still a serious human crisis.

I have read enough on the subject (and watched enough “Oprah”) to know there are always warning signs before physical violence takes place. These include verbal abuse, and needing permission from their significant other to see family, friends, or to merely leave the house. Unfortunately, many people ignore chronic possessiveness, jealousy, and disrespectful behavior for various reasons. When physical abuse happens, many victims think that if they are patient and obliging, the violence will eventually stop. I know my family friend mistakenly thought so.

When I think about the Rihanna/Chris Brown incident, I have to wonder: is this the first time domestic violence has erupted between them? Are they both making excuses for each other without dealing with the issue head-on? After the incident, Rihanna’s father expressed hope that she will speak out against domestic violence. While it is entirely up to her what she will or will not do, we should be inspired to become (and remain) vocal about this issue. In cases like these, silence is the enemy.

Shedding Labels

There has been a lot of buzz around the feminist blogosphere lately about the divisions within the feminist movement, and how that is creating a rift among feminist bloggers as well.

I've considered myself a feminist for as long as I can remember, and I've been a proud, active member of the feminist blogosphere for a couple of years now. But for the past year or so, a lot of negativity has started to fester. The election season created an "us vs. them" mentality between supporters of the various candidates. A couple of very popular women of color (WOC) faced racism and felt isolated from the rest of the mainstream (mostly white) bloggers. These and several other episodes have left many, including myself, feeling uneasy and, to some extent, even unwelcome.

More than anything, what this has done for me is make me seriously question the label "feminist." While I recognize that you do not need the label in order to take action and fight for the causes important to you, there is a sense of community - however broken it might be - and togetherness. It's good to know that in an endless fight like women's rights, there are people behind you who share a common goal.

But what happens when the people around you who are supposed to be providing support also end up saying and doing things that you consider racist, homophobic, ableist, etc.? At what point do you say enough is enough and find a new crew or just fly solo?

I still feel deeply connected to the label "feminist," even with everything that's been going on. It has long been the only label I willingly use to describe myself and the only pigeonhole I've accepted regardless of the negative stereotypes associated with it. Can I really let go of something that has defined me for so long? It feels like cutting off my arm or denying an identity I've claimed my whole life.

What are some labels you've left behind and how did you feel once you let it go?

I'm an INFP

Someone recently had me take a personality test called The Myers-Briggs Personality Indicator. Have you ever taken it? I’d done it before, a long time ago. I like taking quizzes and surveys, so I do things like this for fun. But this time, it took on a deeper significance for me.

The Myers-Briggs test is simple: you answer a series of Yes/No questions about your behavior, preferences and tendencies. Depending on the answers, you are classified on four binary criteria: Introvert/Extrovert, Sensor/Intuitive (N), Feeler/Thinker and Judger/Perceiver. The result is one of sixteen possible combinations, each of which is represented by an acronym: for example, I happen to be an Introvert-Intuitive-Feeler-Perceiver, or INFP.

So, you do the quiz, then read the description of your category. It’s a fairly detailed analysis, discussing how people like you act in certain situations, which jobs you’re suited for, and how you perform in all kinds of relationships, from work to family to romance.

For me, the description fit to a T. Scarily so. (If you must know, some of the things that come up for INFPs: having lots of paper-piles and clutter in your living space, the tendency to feel or think more than you are willing to say out loud. Hmm...)

Hearing it struck me really hard this time. I found myself wanting to have the description framed and put on my wall, something to look at on the days when being who I am seems most ridiculous, or the times when I feel like I’m failing at all the things the rest of the world considers normal.

If you've never taken a personality test like this, I recommend it. Not because I think such classifications are the be-all end-all of who a person is, but because it can be another step on the way to figuring out who you are. For me, at least, it serves as a reminder that there’s not a single right way to be. That I don’t have to strive to fit a certain mold because there is value in things that come naturally to me.

Friday Forum: Valentine's Day

Tomorrow is the holiday people love. Or hate. And in celebration, we want to know, how did you meet your...

best friend?

Valentine's Day is all about the people we love, and who doesn't love their best friend?

On Being a Female Athlete

CHICKS ROCK! wants you to welcome Bridget back as a guest blogger this week:

Bridget is a senior at Vassar College, studying Political Science and Women's Studies. She loves watching movies with her younger brother and playing rugby for her school.


With February comes the beginning of the rugby season. I’ve been playing sports competitively since seventh grade. I was mostly involved in basketball growing up, traveling across the nation to play at tournaments for college recruiting scouts. In my first year at Vassar, one of my basketball teammates began playing rugby. She told me, “It’s like American football, but without any pads and a thousand times more fun.” I couldn’t believe how she or anyone could possibly enjoy being tackled, risking broken bones and concussions.

At that time, I was burning out from basketball, tired of being in a gym every night and watching endless hours of basketball footage. I decided to move on to something fresh and play a sport that I had no real knowledge of or experience with.

My first day of rugby should have been miserable. The sky was a deep gray, it was pouring rain, and there seemed to be chaos breaking out on the field with people running on top of each other. But it felt liberating to be in an open field, breathe fresh air, and not only practice with men, but match them in pace and strength!

Rugby is an incredibly brutal contact sport. Often described as “organized violence,” it demands strict discipline, both physically and mentally. Nothing will challenge your stamina more than hitting a blue body bag, getting back up and hitting it again with equal ferocity. Because of the physicality, teams must be cohesive and close-knit. If your teammate doesn’t perform well, you might suffer a big hit.

Many people can’t fathom why and how women play. But we play for each other. We play for those who had the courage to start a women’s program. We play to respect our teammates who suffer injuries and still come back. We play to defy stereotypes of women as fragile, weak, and inferior. There is no greater feeling than that of empowerment, and it drove me to return to my team after breaking my leg in a game. Taking pride in our past and the hard hours we put in for each other, I can’t wait to hit those blue bags again.

Me Vs. Clutter

I have a clutter problem. This is something about myself that I am not particularly proud of, and I look around my room in a state of disbelief sometimes. How did it ever come to this?

The source of the problem is that my bedroom is too small, and the furniture in it is too big. I also hold on to things, like old brochures, magazines, and clothes that I think I might wear again someday, but probably never will. I don't have to be a psychologist to know that this physical disarray has something to do with state of my mind. I have too much on my plate right now, and it shows.

When I lived and worked in Indonesia for a year, I was far more organized. I always put my personal effects away in their proper place, in addition to cooking and cleaning on a daily basis. I still clean the kitchen, bathroom, and other common areas that I share with my family. My battle with clutter is centered around the room I sleep and change in, and it rages on. Sometimes I have the upper hand, other times, the clutter overwhelms me.

Do you have a clutter problem, or do you have any advice to give me on how to deal with mine?

If These Walls Could Talk

I consider myself to be quite the homebody. I can spend hours, probably days, completely alone and at home and find countless ways to keep myself entertained. I can watch movies, read blogs, make life lists, catch up on work, clean, and about a hundred other things endlessly and be perfectly happy that way. I grew up sharing a room with two younger sisters and my family has no qualms about opening doors without knocking, so I think at first I just reveled in peaceful time by myself.

But as this year began, I realized that 2008 was quite uneventful for me. A bit too uneventful, perhaps. I had spent so much quiet time alone and at home, that I'd moved from homebody to hermit.

It has especially struck me these past couple of weekends. Once my guy is out with his friends and the apartment is silent, I suddenly feel I should be doing something, anything, as long as it's out of my living room. He keeps telling me to go out with my friends, but I don't much like the club-hopping scene. The only other friends I have who don't like partying are also homebodies. What to do?

We've been trying to come up with fun, cheap activities that we can do together, but nothing has stuck yet. We wanted to learn how to knit, but don't have anybody to teach us. We wanted to start cooking for each other, but none of us has regular access to a car and we live far from one another. Bowling, karaoke and off-broadway shows were also thrown around, but we're all in serious debt and depending on how often we do this, those small outings would add up quickly. So, that's about as far as our brainstorming got.

But life is short! My window can only show me so much of the outside world and my walls have stopped responding to my attempts at conversation.

Can anybody else relate to needing a change of scenery? Where do you go when you're in a funk?

Too Young to be Ageist?

I recently went to my usual dental practice, but for an appointment with a new partner in the practice who I’d never met. So I’m sprawled in the chair, waiting, and this gorgeous, grinning guy walks in, who looks to me like a frat boy, one of my younger brother’s friends. My first thought was: This is the professional who’s going to drill my teeth? My second thought was: Can’t be. He’s too young to be a dentist.

My third thought was mortal embarrassment. His diploma was hanging on the wall in front of me. Clearly he’s qualified. So what’s my problem? Have I suddenly gotten old? I’m not one of those people who think young people are less accomplished. In fact, I often take umbrage when people qualify my own achievements with “for someone your age.”

I’ve always considered myself to be a young person. I moved ahead a grade in elementary school, so I was always at least a year younger than my classmates. Even today, most of my friends are older than I am – some quite significantly so – but we get along fine. I tend to pride myself on having accomplished relatively a lot in my “young” adulthood, but have I already crossed over into plain old adulthood? I’m still a couple years away from thirty, but I’m living a grown-up life that isn’t likely to change much for a while. Still, there are days when I feel like I’m playing house and sooner or later summer vacation will come along and I’ll get to go home to my mommy.

I wonder about the line between young and old. When do you cross it, and how do you know? Is it just in how you feel? How you act? How others see you? Or is it a combination of these things that give your age a certain meaning?

I have no idea how old my dentist is; I couldn’t bring myself to ask. It doesn’t even matter. It was simply shocking to me that I even began to wonder.

How old do you feel?

Friday Forum: Childhood Ambition

We've moved into February (is it just us, or is the new year going by a bit quickly?) and everyone seems to be making decisions about how to move forward in their careers. Sometimes the path we take is quite different from the one we envisioned when we were younger.

Looking back to when you were a kid, what did you want to be when you grew up? How different is that from what you're doing now? If it's a completely different track, where do you think you veered off?

Link Love for 2/5

Today we bring to you some of what's been going on in the blogosphere.

Lindsey Pollak is blogging on ABC.com and has great ideas about figuring out how to communicate in the workplace.

Fresh off the heels of Pauline's post yesterday, Change.org's Social Entrepreneurship Blog takes a look at volunteerism and the Serve America Act.

Jill has a post up at Comment is Free, America wants us to push the new administration to keep pushing for women's rights.

Savvy Ladies explains why it's important to focus on women when talking about money.

Meanwhile, Fourth Wave Feminism considers how unemployment might affect equal pay.

Change.org's Women's Rights Blog gives some insight into the rise of women entrepreneurs.

Enjoy the links, and be sure to leave your own in the comments.

Finding Time to Volunteer

I have renewed my commitment to contribute my time to worthy causes. The new presidential administration has ushered all of us into a new era of hope and optimism, tempered with sobering realities. Yes, the recession is in full swing, and things will probably get worse before they get better, but I still want to volunteer. But when will I find the time to do so?

While I have done some work for The Women’s Mosaic since January 2008, I have always envisioned myself working for different non-profit organizations. Last autumn, I was looking forward to working with the American Red Cross in Greater New York and the All Stars Project, Inc., which are both located in Manhattan. I was unemployed at the time and ready to start volunteering. I attended information sessions and orientation meetings and underwent an extensive background check, so I was all set... until I got two paying jobs at the same time. I mistakenly thought I could volunteer at both organizations every week, in addition to my paid employment, but that didn’t happen.

My time is extremely limited, especially since I am working long hours during the week and some weekends. I still hope to volunteer at both places on a periodic basis, but it is all about time management and saying “no” when I feel overwhelmed and over-worked. I am anxious to start volunteering sooner rather than later, because it is like nourishment for my soul. Running from one job to another makes me feel like a mouse running inside a wheel: I’m going nowhere fast. Volunteering will allow me to break out of that wheel, so I can participate in meaningful work to help others.

Volunteering is not merely a resume booster for me. Spending a few hours at a soup kitchen, collecting food donations, and other supplies for communities in need are activities that mean more to me than sitting behind a desk and performing repetitive, mundane duties for a paycheck.

Do you volunteer, or do you have plans to do so?

Scattered Pieces of Myself

Do you often find yourself being a different person around different people? Like you've split yourself into smaller pieces that you only share with certain groups? (If you don't, please take those as rhetorical questions...) I think this is something a lot of us (all of us?) do to survive. We like to keep people as close as we need them without showing them all of what we are.

The simplest example of this is at work. You need to draw the line somewhere between the obsession you and your co-workers share about Battlestar Galactica and telling them about the time you got so drunk somewhere you passed out for hours. But where do you draw the line for the other people in your life?

I've been thinking about this more lately because keeping up these multiple personalities has become incredibly exhausting for me. I want to be myself with everyone, but people already know me a particular way. Somehow, showing them sides of myself they don't know seems like a violation of the unspoken rules in our relationships. I understand that I have to bend to people's comfort levels, but is there any way to start bending them back my way, if only a little?

Even as I write this, I'm self-editing to not give away too much of myself.

It is particularly challenging for the different versions of myself I spread throughout cyberspace. I write on a number of blogs, semi-regularly update Facebook and am addicted to Twitter. Somebody might be able to pull all of me together if they access all of these, but they might be surprised to what they find.

The strange part about it is that I don't purposely hide these sides of myself -- like I said, it's really rather exhausting. It's just the way the relationships have grown that I now don't know how to snap out of.

Does anybody else feel this way? And if you acknowledge that you have pieces of you scattered everywhere, is it something that bothers you or something you have gotten used to? Or am I completely insane and alone in feeling this way?

A Question of Race?

Last week I was out with a friend of mine in Harlem. My friend happens to be a white woman, blond and beautiful, which in this case has bearing on the story. At least I think so. Here’s what happened:

We were on 125th street (a busy area) just after dusk, headed for the subway, when we were prevented from crossing the street by a rush of police cars, lights strobing, sirens screaming. After a moment’s pause, more cop cars came out of nowhere--regular sedans, NYPD vans, ambulances, all kinds of emergency personnel, from all directions, within the space of several blocks around us.

I said to my friend, “Something’s going down.” I told her that when I’d worked in Harlem, I’d occasionally seen police turn out en masse like this for some big bust operation. To be honest, the level of police activity made me anxious. I wanted to keep my head down and get in the subway asap.

My friend reacted differently. As two cops hurried toward us on foot, she said, “Let’s ask them.” Then she did just that. “What’s going on?” The cop didn’t really answer her, but that’s not the point. When she stepped toward them, I literally, physically shied away from the encounter. It was involuntary.

Afterward, she found me on the other side of the sidewalk. I couldn’t believe that she’d stopped them, and I told her so. But she hadn’t thought twice about it.

It never in a million years would’ve occurred to me to speak to them. She and I talked about the dynamics at play, and we decided it comes down to race. As a white woman walking down the street, she (perhaps subconsciously) sees a police officer as a protector, a source of information, one of the good guys. As a black woman walking down the street, I see a police officer and I worry what he’s up to and whether he’s looking at me.

It doesn’t matter that I’m basically a law abiding citizen (Well, I like to drive fast. So sue me.) or that I haven’t done anything wrong. It’s just what it is.

Friday Forum: Women on TV

We thought we'd keep it fun for this week's Friday Forum:

Where are the strong female characters on television? Looking back on shows like Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Xena: Warrior Princess, were characters on these shows as strong as we remember them? Are there characters like this on TV now?

And what about reality TV - are the women on some of these shows hurting the perception of women?

Let us know your thoughts in the comments.

Questions of My American Identity

CHICKS ROCK! welcomes our next guest blogger, and TWM's newest intern, Bridget:

Bridget is a senior at Vassar College, studying Political Science and Women's Studies. She loves watching movies with her younger brother and playing rugby for her school.


Being American is something I never particularly thought about or questioned before I went to study abroad for a semester in Copenhagen, Denmark. At home, I considered my experience unique, exceptional to the general stereotypes of a red-meat-eating, baseball-loving American. I identified regionally, as a New Yorker first and a liberal arts student second. However, being abroad, an outsider in a foreign country, whose language I was struggling to learn, I was confronted with questions of my own identity.

In the months abroad, a special camaraderie formed between me and my American classmates as we tried to navigate maps of the city, learn appropriate patience when waiting for the street light to change, and taste delicious Danish pastries. They hailed from all across America -- Tennessee, Ohio, and the US/Mexico border. The differences in attitude and social customs that I thought once divided me from people outside of New York dissolved as I began to recognize our commonalities. Coping in the European context, I could not rely on the fixed pose of the fast-paced, hard-nosed New Yorker. From the Danes’ perspective, we weren’t Southerners or New Yorkers, we were Americans. And so my classmates and I depended on each other, united over our confusion of Dane’s obsession with potatoes at every meal, the 4 hours of sunlight, and how Danish does not have an official word for “please.”

Reevaluating my own values, I began to appreciate home. As I compared it to Copenhagen, I realized just how fortunate and proud I am to be a citizen of a country where not everyone wears the same clothes, has the same political beliefs, or celebrates the same holidays. Although my classmates and I have different accents, we all share similar experiences, values, and hopes for a better future. We are lucky to live in an incredibly nuanced and diverse country. Reflecting on my time abroad and watching the inauguration of our new president, I am reminded that, despite our diversity, we are truly unified as a people. I take great pride in introducing myself, no longer as "Bridget from New York," but "Bridget from the USA."

Learning From the Past

While watching the recent Golden Globes and SAG Awards, and with all the Oscar buzz and accolades that Slumdog Millionaire is receiving, I've been thinking a lot lately about my grandfather's contribution to the Indian film industry.

Since childhood, I have heard whispers about my grandfather’s life and film career in India. At age 12, K.D. George left his home state of Kerala to find work after losing his mother and step-mother. He taught himself English, Hindi, and various other languages. He joined the British army, lived in Syria for some time, and learned to edit film and sound recordings. He went on to work in over one hundred films, most notably Chemmeen, the first South Indian film to win the Indian President’s Gold Medal for Best Film in 1965. In spite of his professional achievements, my grandfather was eventually terminated for his bad eyesight, and the financial demands of his greedy father and siblings took a devastating toll on him, my grandmother, and their children. When I lived with him several years before he died, one of the many things I remember is how his silence left me and my family with many unanswered questions. Why didn’t he keep track of the films he was involved with? Was his association with the film industry the reason why he hated movies later in life? Did he have many regrets?

When I started searching for K.D. George on the Internet, I wasn’t expecting to find anything. Among other things, I was surprised to discover that he was mentioned on IMDB for one film. With the help of a few family members, I have started to add more to my grandfather’s web page. It is my small way to pay tribute to his contributions to South Indian cinema. I have also learned how important it is to understand our mistakes, as well as those made in previous generations. I hope my grandfather agrees with me, wherever he is.

Moving Forward with No Direction

The great thing about a new year is what it symbolizes: a fresh start and a chance to move forward.

The awful thing about a new year is what it symbolizes: a fresh start and a chance to move forward.

With all this talk of resolutions, a new administration, hope for the future, and so forth, it certainly is the perfect time to think about your life and reprioritize. One thing I've been thinking a lot about is what I'm going to do next. Right now, I'm lucky to be at a job I really like, and doing enough other things to keep me busy and on my toes. But I know I won't be there forever, and I have to start making decisions about what to do next.

Should I go to grad school and get a PhD in Women's Studies? While that's what I've wanted to do for the longest time now, WST programs are being cut all over the place and I'd like to have a job after getting a PhD. So, should I go to law school? This does seem like a good choice... but do I want to accumulate all that debt if I don't like the high-paying lawyer jobs? Ok, should I forget about school altogether and just keep working my way up the non-profit world? That sounds good and easy... but probably too easy for somebody who loves learning and feels most at home in school. Hmm. So, should I go to grad school and get a PhD in Women's Studies?

This is the debate I have with myself every other day. I go around in circles and have no conclusion other than "this is annoying, I'll figure it out tomorrow."

But all of these months later, I think "tomorrow" is finally here. I still have no idea what to do, but I've given myself until March to decide. Can somebody out there please help me out with advice?

Identity in Ink

At my book signing in Harlem last week, I gave a little talk (eek!) and took questions (double eek!) before the actual signing. It was my first bookstore appearance. I felt very official.

I uttered my remarks, feeling nervous, peeking at my notes probably a little too often. I drew only a small crowd, due to frigid weather and everyone’s inauguration excitement. Still, at question time, the few but faithful really stuck it to me. “How'd you get the idea for the book?” (“Um... that’s what my talk was about. Weren’t you listening?”) “You weren’t alive in 1968, so did you interview people who were?” (“Not really... it’s fiction, not a research paper. I used my imagination.”) “Why'd you use standard English, not Ebonics?” ("Um... no good answer for this, except that I don’t speak Ebonics, so...") You get the idea.

Then came the real kicker: “Do you think there are any identity issues you personally were dealing with in writing this book?”

I almost laughed out loud. The only genuine answer to a question like that is “Yeah. Duh.” I don’t mean to be flip – it’s an excellent question, but challenging to answer meaningfully.

I’m a black woman writing about the civil rights movement, so how could identity exploration not play a role? Fiction, for me, is about imagining myself in various circumstances. I write (and read) to learn. I write about things I love, things that make me nervous or disturb me, or to speak about what’s important to me. That’s forming identity, right?

Besides, I think anyone who writes anything at all deals on some level with identity issues. Whether it’s fiction, non-fiction, intentionally personal or ostensibly objective – what we write has to do with who we are. And trying to figure out who we are. Is that a journey that ever ends? I doubt it. Maybe when you’re old, you just make peace with the things you know about yourself and the things you don’t, but until then, isn’t pretty much everything about defining yourself in relation to the world?

For me, right now, it is. What about you?

Friday Forum: Back in Time

For some of the history buffs out there, or those with a creative imagination:

If you could live for one week at any time in history, when would it be and why?

These should be interesting! Leave your response in the comments.

Link Love for 1/22

The blogosphere has been quite abuzz these past few weeks. Here is just a bit of the online conversation:

Girl w/Pen has a review of the new film, Last Chance Harvey, from a feminist perspective (warning: there are a few spoilers).

Lindsey Pollak has a piece about why it's important to stop bashing Gen Y and instead welcome them into the fold.

Savvy Ladies reminds us that even in this economy, it's a great idea to donate to non-profits, if only for the tax break.

Change.org's Women's Rights Blog discusses how equal pay laws designed to help women might negatively impact mothers.

Professor, What If... asks what if mother-wisdom shaped the world?

Don't forget to leave a comment with the things you've been reading and writing.

Mother India Beckons

I think the universe is giving me signs to go to India this year. Slumdog Millionaire deservedly won many awards this year, and there is a great PBS series entitled The Story of India, which covers the beginnings and progression of Indian civilization, starting with the earliest human migrations from Africa, to the present day. It is my parents’ country of origin, and strangers usually identify me as Indian, even though I can count on one hand how many times I’ve been there. Still, I feel drawn to Mother India, and it doesn't have much to do with my familial connections to the country. The diversity of its people, their religions, cultures, politics, climates, and landscapes makes the Indian subcontinent a fascinating place to visit again and again.

The last time I spent significant time in the country was in December 2004, and I made a promise to myself and to a few family members to return two years later. I broke that promise, much to my dismay, but I did go back for a week in 2007 for a friend’s wedding. Obviously, seven days is not enough time to do the kind of traveling I yearn to do, which is taking the train from the North to the South. I will experience Mother India’s chaos the way a traveler is meant to using that mode of transportation: its natural beauties, art, music, pollution, corruption, despair, and hope.

I have a love/hate relationship with my parents’ country; it is formed from my family’s stories, my own observations of Indian people (from within and outside India), and the news. While my mother is wary of the country because of her difficult childhood, my father hopes to return to Mother India after retirement, so he can live out the rest of his days surrounded by coconut trees, peacocks, and mosquitoes. As a cultural outsider, I see it as a place to experience history and progress simultaneously, while learning more about myself in the process. India is a mess that some choose to do without; I choose the opposite.

Do you have similar relationships with other countries?

Our Moment and Time

The significance of today's events are not lost on me. The fact that it's all happening the day after a national holiday honoring one of the most significant Civil Rights leaders is also not lost on me. (Of course, even if it was, the pundits and newscasters would still keep reminding me every five minutes.)

And while I am feeling just as much emotion and excitement as everyone else, I can't help but think of what it'll be like a year from now...

The dust will have settled. The novelty of this moment will have passed. We'll be left with our memories of today and our steps toward the future. So we have to start now.

As most know by now, social responsibility and civic engagement are very important to me. I look at moments like these, rare as they are, as a chance for people to reach out to each other and consider new ways of becoming active. Before the freshness of the new year passes, I want to commit to rising up to the challenge myself. Starting this year and growing as these four years go by, I am going to read more newspapers, familiarize myself with local politics, read up on the legislation I normally ignore, and take every chance I get to teach others about what I learn and encourage them to do the same.

I hope you all take some time to reflect today and that you'll join me in making a commitment to play our part in making this country ours. In the words of our new President, "This is our chance to answer that call. This is our moment. This is our time..."

(Cross-posted at Jump off the Bridge)

Beyond Our Dead Heroes

Somehow, I always feel a little bit prouder of my existence and heritage on Martin Luther King, Jr. Day. I look forward to it every year, and not only because I associate the day with freedom from work!

Even though we label it with Dr. King’s name, I don’t think today is just about one man’s life and legacy. Instead, I think it should be a day when we celebrate all the heroes – famous and unnamed – who fought for racial equality.

Why? Because although Dr. King was a dynamic, irreplaceable leader, he didn’t walk alone. I’m sure he would be the first to affirm that the civil rights struggle was a movement of the people. He always thought in terms of “we,” not “me.”

Now, having written a children’s novel, I find myself wondering how this holiday affects others. At a writers’ conference in Harlem, I heard parents lamenting the lack of black characters in children’s books. One comment really resonated with me. A frustrated mom said: “books targeted to black children are always about the same dead heroes.” She said, “Holding up these heroes over and over makes regular kids feel inadequate. It’s a model that most can never live up to, so many of them stop trying.”

I couldn’t disagree. I remember, as a kid, how much I looked up to Dr. King, Rosa Parks, Harriet Tubman, etc. It seemed to me that we needed a lot more heroes that would keep changing the world. Only as an adult have I come to understand that it’s not heroes who made the history. It never has been any one person alone.

On Martin Luther King, Jr. Day, we should all get to share in the celebration. For me, it’s easier to imagine myself standing in the crowd than being the one up front. But I also want to believe that even my own work makes a difference in the world, and that I hold a little piece of our collective victories. So, let today be MLK Day Plus!

Who are the unsung heroes in your life?

Friday Forum: Literary Likes & Dislikes

While we're celebrating the book launch our very own CHICKS ROCK! blogger, Kekla, we were curious about your own reading and writing habits.

What are some of your favorite books and why? What about favorite authors? If you're a writer, what do you like to write about?

New Year's Resolution: Make Your Voice Heard

Now that we're in a brand new year, we wanted to remind you how you can make your voice heard here on CHICKS ROCK!

Remember, this is your space too, and we love hearing from you. So check out the guest blogger guidelines and submit an entry. You never know, perhaps you'll love it and get bitten by the blogging bug.

As always, you can also submit ideas for the Friday Forum and Feature, or comment on a post when you have something to say.

Make it your resolution this year to speak up and speak out!

Giving Up On Grudges

We all know at least one person who has taken advantage of us. It could be someone who never paid back a loan, flirted with your significant other, or talked about you behind your back to others, but acts like nothing is wrong in front of you... we are all familiar with these undesirable scenarios. Now that 2009 is here, I have begun the difficult process of coming to terms with those who have "done me wrong," even if I don’t get to see or speak to them directly. It is like unloading the baggage for a fresh start and it is something I strongly recommend to anyone who is burdened by their grudges.

Personally, I find them to be a waste of my energy, something that I can channel into something else. Recently, I came face-to-face with a relative who has been less than kind to me in the past. When I saw him during the holidays, I was surprised to find that my grudge was gone. Maybe it was because I had time to work through my feelings, but I was gratified not to be tense in his presence anymore. True, we won’t have a close relationship, and he will never apologize for his wrongdoings. I still feel peaceful knowing that I no longer carry the burden of the grudge on my shoulders.

I recently came to terms with a long-time friend, which has been more difficult because it is more recent. She had (or has) a bigger grudge against me than I did towards her, and I decided to bring it up so we could work through our issues. Since we have been friends for long time, I decided to initiate the effort so we can save our friendship. While things between us are still tenuous, I remain hopeful that our relationship will be free from grudges in the future.

How do you handle grudges? Are you able to let things go?

A Man-Free Weekend

Like most other 20something women, I love spending time with my friends. We get to let our hair down, relax, and enjoy each other's company. It's rare that a large group of us has time to get together all at once, so when we do it's a great treat.

There are some downsides, of course, such as clashing personalities or small gripes that come up. But one of my biggest annoyances is how much time we spend talking about men. We are all intelligent, mature, successful women and it confuses me that we have to spend so much time talking about men. It's not that I think there's never a time to talk about relationships, I just get tired of it being the #1 thing we bring up when we get together.

So when we were preparing for a weekend away together, I announced our new rule well in advance: there could be no talk of relationships. We could talk about work, friends, family, random thoughts, etc. but could not directly talk about relationships, marriage or the recently-popular "so who's the next to have kids?"

Now that our weekend is over, I'm happy that it was (mostly) a success. There were still times where the blurry line into "relationship talk" was crossed, but for the most part, everyone stuck to the rule. I think the time was better for it because we got to know each other better in a way that had nothing to do with whatever drama is going on with the men in our lives.

What about your circle of friends? Do you think you spend too much time talking about romantic relationships? If so, does it bother you? I'd love to hear your thoughts.

All the Time in the World

When I was in Zambia this past spring, one of the things that struck me, culturally, was the different sense of time people have there. Their pace of life is much slower than ours. Much steadier. People move through the days with a casual confidence that there will be enough time to do what needs to be done. This difference is born of circumstance, of course, but it is a matter of attitude, as well.

On the trip, we had ample time built in to just spend time with our hosts and with each other. For us, at first it felt like we weren’t doing anything. We're used to being busy, because in New York, there's always somewhere to be and something to do other than where you are and what you’re doing. But the Zambians seemed to lack awareness that there is a constant shortage of time. Taking time to relate to one another is important to them. We even encountered people who had walked dozens of miles to visit friends or to do business together, with no appointment scheduled in advance. If their host wasn’t home, they simply sat down to wait.

Returning home, I asked myself when was the last time I dropped by a friend’s apartment unannounced. I came up with NEVER. No, I’d always call first to be sure she was home, not headed out or cleaning or working or watching a favorite show, so that my presence wouldn’t disturb her schedule too much. I’d call, and maybe we’d arrange a coffee date for the following week, a time to catch up briefly between my doctor’s appointment and her lunch meeting. We’d get together as planned. After she dashed off, if she’s a friend I didn’t see often, I might even pat myself on the back for making time to sustain this relationship. I’d probably subconsciously weigh how much I enjoyed the time with her against how hard it was to find a mutually-agreeable place and time to talk—all so I could decide how soon I ought to contact her to do it again. Or maybe I’d wait until she called me...

What would you like to make more time for in your life?

Friday Forum: Lessons Learned

As we're still experiencing the start of the new year, it's good to reflect back on the things we learned in the past year.

What did you learn about yourself in 2008 that you will apply to 2009? Similarly, if you made any major mistakes last year, how will you avoid making them this time around?

Link Love for 1/8

Even though most of the blogosphere has been quiet for the past several weeks, things are starting to pick up again. Check out some of the posts below to see what's been on people's mind so far this year.

Girl with Pen shared a great PSA about fatherhood involvement.

NYWSE blog comments on the rise of women entrepreneurs and the supportive community they're building for each other and themselves.

The Curvature has an important post about how we can help combat teen dating violence.

Global Comment comments on the significance of having the first black President and a black family as the primary residents of the White House.

Change.org's Women's Rights Blog is also thinking about the soon-to-be first family, specifically about the girls' experience in their new school.

Lindsey Pollak has the first three of twelve career resolutions to help you find your dream job in 2009.


Enjoy this first round-up of the new year, and don't forget to leave your own links in the comments section.

New Year... Now What?

In the middle of remembering to write 2009 rather than 2008 on checks and other correspondence, I can’t help thinking about past transitions from one year to the next. I start each year with different plans and hopes, some a bit fanciful, others more realistic and yet still challenging to achieve. Last year, I was looking forward to my trek on the Inca Trail to Machu Picchu in Peru and getting a job so I wouldn’t be broke after the fact. A year later, I have fond memories of the trip and I am working, which is a blessing in the current economic situation we are living with now. Now that 2009 is here, I hope to make meaningful decisions that will ensure lasting success in my professional life. Whether I remain in publishing, go into teaching, or get into public service is still not certain, but I hope I can look back at 2009 with a sense of accomplishment in this aspect of my life.

I am also committed to getting healthy this year. While I have no desire to become “super skinny,” I am aware my family history of heart disease and diabetes puts me at risk. This past Christmas made me realize how important regular exercise and a consistent healthy diet really are. I discovered that just cutting out soda, sugary drinks, and junk food is not enough for me; I have to eat smaller food portions, and exercise every day. My sluggish metabolism has bothered me in the past, but it took a few random moments this past holiday season to really motivate me to do something about it. I am happy to say that I am sticking to a fitness regime and diet that seems to be working for me.

These aren’t really resolutions. I personally feel that calling them by that name subconsciously makes me less likely to follow through with them. I would rather call them plans or projects, because I am one myself... I am a work-in-progress, and always will be.

What are your plans/projects for 2009?

A Gutsy Resolution

CHICKS ROCK! readers are no strangers to my struggles with finding my voice and owning it. That, coupled with my other major struggle to focus on myself, has led to a very nebulous yet incredibly important resolution for this new year: to listen to myself.

Being silenced by several people throughout my life has gotten me in the habit of silencing myself. Rather than just doing it during regular, spoken communication with others, I am realizing more and more that I've been doing it to my own inner voice. I find myself looking back in situation after situation and thinking to myself "I should've trusted my gut." For me, a life of regrets is simply not an option, and that's the road I see myself going down if I keep betraying my instincts.

So this year, I want to listen to myself as much as I can. When my body is hungry, when my brain needs a break, when my muscles are sore, when work is taking all of my energy, I will listen to myself. If I am uncomfortable, happy, sad, disappointed, or overwhelmed by unclear emotions, I will be honest with myself and others about how I'm feeling. And when faced with difficult decisions or feelings of ambivalence, I will go with my gut.

As with anything, I'm sure this is much easier said than done. Thankfully, I've got people around me who will constantly check on me to see how I'm progressing. Even though it's in some ways a very personal resolution, I know I can't do it completely alone.

New Year, New Book: The Rock and the River

I'm kicking off my posts for 2009 with a little shameless self-promotion. This is a most exciting week for me. Well, let me not understate: This is a most exciting year for me. My first novel hits bookstores tomorrow!

A few words about the book:
The Rock and the River is a young adult novel set in 1968 Chicago. Thirteen-year-old Sam finds himself torn between his father (a leader in the nonviolent civil rights movement), and his older brother, Stick (a member of the Black Panther Party). Will Sam follow his father or his brother? His mind or his heart? The rock or the river?

It's hard to know what to say about the book coming out. To me, it's so momentous. But I find it difficult to express to people outside my profession what the inner world of writing and publishing is like: unpredictable, slow-moving, fraught with challenges and rejection, yet at the same time utterly tied to your soul. I feel about this book the way I imagine I might feel about my own child -- it came from within me, I've nurtured it, helped it grow, learned from it, fought with it, fought for it, and finally it's big enough to move on its own into the world.

My mind is suddenly flooded with all the things I could say, about the writing process, the topic of the book, my inspirations, the adventures of being an author. Yes, there's much more I could say, and I will -- in future posts. For now, I'm allowing the excitement to overtake me. The holiday season, which typically blows by in one deep breath, has been agonizingly slow as I've awaited the book release. It's finally here, and I'm beyond thrilled!

That's what's new with me... so, what's new with you in this new year?

Friday Forum: New Year, New You!

Welcome to a brand new year! As everyone is settling in and getting comfortable with saying it's 2009(!!), we were wondering about your New Year's resolutions!

Have you made any resolutions yet for this year? If so, what are they, and if not, what are you thinking about? Or, do you avoid making resolutions altogether?

Whatever the answer, let us know!

Happy New Year!

All of us at The Women's Mosaic and CHICKS ROCK! wish you a very Happy New Year! Let's celebrate 2008 and look forward to 2009!

Looking Back and Moving Forward*

The following was originally posted on Nov. 5, 2008. It is being re-posted as part of our CHICKS ROCK! Holiday series.


Finally, the 2008 U.S. presidential election is over! I am one of many Americans who were extremely annoyed with the mudslinging that the candidates and their respective campaigns resorted to in recent months. It makes me wonder: what lessons can we learn from this election? Would local, state, and federal races be handled better if more women ran for office and managed political campaigns?

I recently wrote an article about a TWM event that took place almost four years ago and featured an eclectic group of women who were (and still are) involved in politics. We need more events like "Politics Schmolitics" so that more women can be inspired to become politically informed, and maybe even venture into politics in their own lives. I know that I could not become a politician, but I would willingly throw my support toward a qualified female candidate that really inspires me. As I mentioned in a previous post, it is important for the next female candidate for president to impress potential voters with keen intelligence and a positive attitude. She will have to be ready for the challenges of an arduous campaign, without resorting to dirty tactics that previous candidates have resorted to in the past. If she must "go there," then hopefully she can do so without tarnishing her reputation in the public eye.

Now that we as a nation have elected our first African American president, I know that a female president will not be far behind. The possibilities are endless, and we have much to look forward to.

To read more about TWM's Politics Schmolitics event, check out the article: "Politics Schmolitics, Four Years Later."

A Helping Hand*

The following was originally posted on Oct. 14, 2008. It is being re-posted as part of our CHICKS ROCK! Holiday series.


A while back, I was talking to a friend of mine about mentoring. We agreed that, when done right, mentorship is a powerful thing. We were both able to point to at least a couple of women in our lives who seemed to enter at the right time and nudged us along in our development. They continue to steer us in the right direction without feeling pressure to give the "right" kind of advice, and without us feeling that they're telling us what to do.

Then our conversation turned to the other side of mentorship. Mentorship programs can sometimes feel forced: you are given one person who is supposed to be your guide, but sometimes has no connection to you. They don't understand who you are. Maybe they can give insight from their own experiences, but there can be an impersonal quality that pretty much defeats the purpose of having a mentor in the first place.

I bring all of this up because I've been thinking about my own unofficial role as a mentor in other people's lives. The idea of joining an official mentorship program has always seemed strange to me, but I do want to help other women fulfill their potential.

Organic or not, having a mentor must be better than having no direction at all. Being a woman, especially a woman of color, is challenging no matter what field you want to go in. And, of course, there's the personal connection. Even if a relationship feels somewhat forced, at least there's one there, right? At least there is somebody out there who actually cares about you and the decisions you make.

I feel that it's my responsibility to lend a helping hand, because there was somebody there to help me. But how do I go about doing that? How many of you can say you've had a mentor in your life? How many of you have been a mentor to somebody else? Was it part of a program or did it develop naturally? I'd love to hear everyone's thoughts.

Growing Pains (Hair, Part I)*

The following was originally posted on Oct. 13, 2008. It is being re-posted as part of our CHICKS ROCK! Holiday series.


My hair has long been the bane of my existence. There’s a love-hate thing going on between us that originated around the time when my mother decided I was old enough to manage it myself.

At home, I liked my hair. I thought it was pretty. In a few moments of wild self-confidence, I even thought I was pretty because of it. At school, though, I was mercilessly teased over my hairstyles. This was suburban Indiana – no one had a ‘fro. Except me. I didn’t know how to deal with my hair, so I wore it in awkward braids or in a big puffy ponytail. I let it grow because I believed that the longer it got, the heavier it would be and the flatter it would lie…but denial ain’t just a river in Egypt.

As a teen, I spent laborious hours “managing” my hair. I slathered on gel. I sprayed and spritzed, tousled and tucked. I didn’t want my look to be so different. But the meager understanding of hair care and products I’d gained up until that point was based on what white women do. My mom is white, with hair that does what it’s told. At the time, the majority of my friends were white. All the black girls I knew had their hair chemically straightened—that was what you were supposed to do—so they weren’t much help to me, either. My mom consistently refused to let me try straightening. (If I’d known the word “sadist” back then, I’d have screamed it at her.)

The funny thing is, I’ve never actually wished for other hair. I don’t want it to be straight, or blond or conducive to highlights, layers or bangs. I like my hair as it is, I just often wish that I could train it to always look its best. But it doesn’t want to be tamed, simplified or made ordinary. It wants to stand out. I’ve always known that if I can draw that quality out of my hair and into myself, I will be a better woman for it.

What are your hair stories?

Happy Holidays!

From everyone at The Women's Mosaic and here at CHICKS ROCK!, we wish you a happy and safe holiday season! Stay warm, keep dry, and enjoy the time with your friends and family.

The Kindness of a Stranger*

The following was originally posted on Sept. 24, 2008. It is being re-posted as part of our CHICKS ROCK! Holiday series.


I think Maine has always been one of my favorite states. I love New England in the summer and autumn months, and when the opportunity to go to the northernmost state in the region presented itself, I knew I had to go. With only one full day to really explore Portland, which is on the southeastern coast of Maine, I hoped that the weather would be pleasant enough for sailing. When I heard raindrops hitting the windows of my hotel room that morning, I had to replace these plans with tours through the Portland Museum of Art, Henry Wadsworth Longfellow’s home and the Victoria Mansion. I thoroughly enjoyed learning about the tumultuous history of Portland, and getting lost (and drenched) in its quirky streets.

As great as all of these tourist attractions were, it was my brief meeting with a friendly waitress at a well-known neighborhood restaurant that I will remember most. From the moment Kelly seated me and my parents at our table, we felt a genuine connection to her that was anything but fake. She introduced us to some unique local produce, told us about upcoming events and places of interest in Portland, and gave us directions by drawing simple street maps on some note paper. Kelly went out of her way to give us advice without any benefit on her part, and that is quite rare. By the time I went back to the hotel that evening, I almost forgot about the rain and my failed plans to sail.

There is something to be said about the kindness of strangers, especially when traveling. I hope to meet more people like Kelly in my future sojourns. Have any of you had a similar experience? I would love to hear your comments.

Finding Your Voice*

The following was originally posted on Sept. 17, 2008. It is being re-posted as part of our CHICKS ROCK! Holiday series.


Growing up, I didn't think much of my opinion. It didn't seem others thought much about it either, so I didn't give it unless it was explicitly asked of me - which wasn't often.

In college, it got better. I had women's studies classes where I felt comfortable opening up. I had my Hermanas (sorority sisters) who always valued my opinion, asked for it all the time, and let me give it even if they didn't ask! But even then, it was hard to do this in a group of strangers.

What really changed this was my involvement in TWM. Suddenly, I was asked to give an opinion about everything, even things I didn't really have an opinion about. I mingled at events, spoke up at a Visioning Workshop, organized an entire event, and became an integral part of TWM. I slowly started to speak up at work and grew more confident each time. I'm still quiet, but usually because I'm thinking - not from fear of speaking up. Oftentimes, I don't shut up really!

I'm writing all of this not just to reflect, but because I've met countless other women who still haven't found their voice. When I was young, it seemed everybody else was speaking out with little effort and I was the odd one out. Unfortunately, I wasn't.

The truth is, women are still being silenced. There are cultural and generational differences, but, on the whole, women's opinions just don't matter as much. What do we know? What interest could we possibly have in politics or society or the workforce? We're defined by those around us without much thought to who we actually are.

That's why I love blogs! Women who normally keep quiet can comment on whatever moves them, without as much fear. Nobody knows who they are, and they're likely to find a space somewhere, where others share their opinions. Best case scenario, if you don't already speak up in "real life," this helps you come closer to doing that.

Are you making sure your voice is heard? If you have something to say, do you say it, or keep quiet more often than not?

The Times That Haven't Changed*

The following was originally posted on Oct. 6, 2008. It is being re-posted as part of our CHICKS ROCK! Holiday series.


I recently had a long conversation with a friend about relationships, specifically interracial ones. This friend is a young white man who’s in a long-term relationship with a woman of color. They’re bizarrely compatible, totally in love, and now planning to get married. Suddenly, a flock of doubters have emerged out of the woodwork – his family and friends, advising him against taking this particular plunge.

It continues to surprise me that in this time and place it is still so hard for some people to accept interracial marriages. My parents have spoken about various encounters they had in the 1970s, when their relationship began. Back then, it was still unusual to see a black man and a white woman walking hand in hand. Somehow, I had come to believe that times had changed.

My friend said his family claimed to be worried about the struggles he, his wife and their (hypothetical) biracial children might face in the future. They thought he was setting himself up for an unnecessarily difficult life. Devastated by their lack of support, my friend called me, looking for me to tell him that it would all be okay. He asked if I thought his engagement was a bad idea, and if I felt my life had been made more difficult because I am biracial.

It hurts me a little that these questions have to be asked, though I understand why they are. I answered in the only way I could. Being biracial has certainly affected me and shaped my life into what it is today. It’s impossible to list the ways it has made me different, because I’ve never experienced the world from within any other skin. But I don’t believe that any of those differences are bad, or something to be avoided.

Every relationship has challenges. This we know for sure. So why are the challenges faced by interracial couples perceived to be worse than those of any other couple? Why are they perceived to be avoidable? What is the supposed solution: just marry someone else? It's hard enough to find one person to love and be loved by.

I hope that as a society, someday we will be able to value each other’s happiness over our own fears, and to affirm love, in whatever form it may come, over prejudice.

What would you have said, if a friend called you with these questions?

Friday Forum: CHICKS ROCK! Faves

Yesterday, we announced that CHICKS ROCK! will be highlighting some past posts for the next couple of weeks. It's got us thinking, what are some of your favorite CHICKS ROCK! posts? Are there a couple that stand out in your mind? If so, what about them did you enjoy?

We'd love to hear your feedback!

CHICKS ROCK! Holiday

Now that the holiday season is nearing its end, we want to give the bloggers here at CHICKS ROCK! some time to enjoy their own family and friends. But we won't be leaving the blog high and dry during this time. Instead, we've chosen some of the top posts from the past three months to highlight. This will give new readers a chance to catch up on some of the discussions we've had on here, and old readers to give more thought to forgotten posts.

We hope you enjoy this trip down memory lane!

Discovering My Inner Abolitionist

I recently saw a documentary film entitled Call + Response, which openly addresses human trafficking and the sex slavery industries in the twenty-first century. After watching it, I feel both lucky to be born and raised free, and extremely disturbed knowing that there at least 27 million people enslaved today. I discovered my inner abolitionist, and knew I had to start doing something immediately.

I decided to check out some of the websites the organizers of the film screening provided to become more informed and to take some action to address the issue. Chain Store Reaction allows visitors to add their names to email form letters, which are sent directly to representatives from companies such as the GAP, Microsoft, Motorola, and Kellogg’s. On the homepage, you can see how many emails have been sent to each business and if they have sent responses. While it is satisfying to simply add my name, email address, and zip code before clicking “submit,” it just seems too easy.

Visitors to SlaveryMap can document and categorize incidents of slavery on a map of the world. I signed up so I can view other people’s reports, and I may even wind up reporting my own. It is a sobering experience to see all of the locations and read some of the reports of forced labor and sex slavery in the U.S.A., of all places. The site just started this year, so don’t let the empty spaces in certain continents and countries fool you... the reports just haven’t been written and entered yet.

Being a twenty-first century abolitionist requires plenty of research to understand how pervasive the scourge of human slavery is in today’s world. The latest Trafficking In Persons Report from the State Department is a great place to start, because it clearly defines what human trafficking is, and classifies each country by its compliance with anti-trafficking laws. It’s a very detailed report, but I found it easy to navigate through the different sections. I was surprised to discover that Ireland and the Philippines are equally ranked; both countries have not done enough to prosecute traffickers within their borders.

Were you aware of the prevalence of slavery today? What can we do to end it for good?

Las Navidades - Christmastime

As I mentioned last week, I have a love-hate relationship with the holiday season. But my two favorite things about the holidays are the music and the movies. So it didn't take much convincing to get me to go watch Nothing Like the Holidays, especially with an all-Latino cast. The movie won't be winning any awards, and at times it was a little too sad for my liking (sorry, no spoilers here, you'll have to go watch it yourself), but it was still a fun time and watching a screen full of Latino actors not playing to negative stereotypes was great.

I do have to say that some of my favorite moments were that ones that many might consider stereotypical, simply because they spoke to my experiences. When they're sitting at dinner talking loudly and seemingly on top of each other, Debra Messing's character thinks they're all fighting. People who aren't in my family always think we're fighting when we all get together -- we're THAT loud! Somehow we manage to flow in and out of the conversations happening around us with relative ease, but outsiders are quickly overwhelmed.

Another stereotype in the movie is the pressure to have children. Let me set the record straight on this. While I hear friends from other cultures complain about this, none of them have complained as much or for as long (some as early as 17) as my Latina friends. In fact, as I'm writing this, I'm picturing all of them nodding their heads sadly as they realize that their existence comes down to the question "why haven't you had any children yet?" At no point is this question off-limits and everyone in the family can ask it, no matter how distant the familial connection.

So maybe this time the stereotypes really got it right. Our loudness, the obsession with having kids, our love of food, our dysfunctional relationships... it was all there and it all made it feel a little bit like home.

Angel Anxiety

I participate in a Christmas Angel project, where I purchase presents for children who have an incarcerated parent. It's fun, and meaningful to know I'm doing it on behalf of someone who won't make it to a store this year. At least that's what I think at the moment when I pick up the child's name...

Then comes the shopping. Did I say this was going to be fun? It's horrid. Long lines at the toy stores, long lines at the clothing stores, and the inescapable anxiety that comes from wondering if the kid will even like what I've picked out. I shouldn’t worry so much – they can always exchange it (gift receipts are a brilliant slice of technology) – but I always stress myself out.

I spend hours stalking through store aisles, bypassing perfectly acceptable gifts in favor of something I can’t put my finger on. I convince myself that when the right gift appears, I'll know beyond a shadow of a doubt. Usually it happens eventually – I'm struck by a bolt of certainty, and I feel free to approach the register. Whether it's divine intervention, or sheer exhaustion talking, I will never know.

During the holidays, people always talk about the joy of giving. When I buy for family and friends, I do feel it. Finding the perfect item is thrilling, and it’s truly joyful to watch someone open your present and be excited by what they find. With my Christmas Angels, I don’t get to see that moment of surprise, so the joy is rather diminished for me. Is it selfish to feel that way? Sure. But it’s true. And it also makes me realize that the joy of giving isn’t in “here’s something I bought.” It’s in “here’s something I bought just for you.”

I struggle through Christmas Angel every year, because even though it’s un-joyful for me, there’s a chance that my gift will bring joy to someone else. Knowing that fills me with a different kind of happiness, one that is worth all the anxiety.

How do you experience the joy of giving?

Give the Gift of TWM

The holidays are not only a season of celebration, but also a season of giving. In that spirit, we're asking you to consider giving the gift of TWM to the rockin' chicks in your life. Because TWM is a non-profit organization, we need donations to keep us running. By supporting TWM, you're helping us create more programs and doing your part to sustain our community here at CHICKS ROCK!

There are a number of ways you can give to TWM:
Become a member and get the perks of membership -- discounts to events, special offers throughout the year, preference for posting as a guest blogger on CHICKS ROCK!, and more!
Purchase a TWM Gift Membership for somebody else to let them receive all the perks of membership.
Make a tax-deductible donation in any amount -- remember every penny counts, so there is no gift too big or too small!
Buy a CHICKS ROCK! t-shirt and be stylin' like the rest of us -- simply enter a donation for $25 and indicate your t-shirt size S-XL in PayPal.

Thank you for your support!

The "New" Me

CHICKS ROCK! wants you to welcome our latest guest blogger, Heather:

Heather Floyd owns Whole Web Impact, which helps sole-proprietors get more clients and more visibility from their websites and online marketing. She publishes a weekly e-zine, Web Impact and blogs at HeatherFloyd.com.


If you would have asked me a year ago whether I would hire a personal stylist, I would probably have said – sure, when I have a million bucks and nothing to do with my time but shop! But believe it or not, in May of 2008 I did hire a stylist (Monica Diaz of Style Matters, Inc., in case you were wondering).

So, what caused such a change of heart? Believe it or not – it was business. Specifically, my own. I was planning out a change to my business model and doing some rebranding. “Why not upgrade my own image as well?” I thought. (Besides, isn’t it always easier to justify spending the money if it’s “a business investment?”)

The process was actually a lot of fun. Though there were some squirming moments while Monica pulled out decades-old clothes from my wardrobe and gave me that look – “Have you had this since high school?” (“Yes…” I mumbled sheepishly.) We also went shopping and she picked out dozens of outfits for me to try – many things I would never pick off the rack for myself before meeting her. She was able to be an objective voice in the fitting room: “No, I don’t like how that bunches,” “You are definitely not that pant size! Go one smaller.”

I ended up with several new professional outfits, along with a new haircut and a quick make-up routine, but more valuable was re-awakening my own interest in fashion. Now when I pass boutiques on the street, I pay attention to what’s in the windows. I have a better idea of what sizes and styles I should be looking for based on my body shape. And I have new confidence when I go out to meet clients or attend networking events.

When you have your own business, as I do, you always have to remember that you ARE frequently the business, and you need to represent that visually. Just like a website conveys your brand, so does your personal presentation.

And if you don’t want to hire a professional, call on one of your style-savvy girlfriends to go shopping and suggest some new looks for you. Even if you don’t end up with a new look, you will have a fun afternoon.